Blah blah blah screenwriting taking up my whole life blah. Let’s get right to it, my lovely Pinchers!

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I love intelligent ignance. It’s better than plain intelligence and better than plain ignance. It’s this fusion of two things I love that brings me life.

Let’s get nostalgic. Ya’ll remember Reading Rainbow, right? Duh, of course you do. Anything else is scientifically impossible. Plus, Levar Burton (in his awesomeness) will never let you forget. It’s such a beloved show because it had kids flying twice as high, presumably higher than a butterfly in the sky.

And for those of us who believe children are our future, reading is fundamental, especially for the kiddies. And we try to get them to read so they’re not… ignant.

Wellll…

What if I told you that the VERY hot mess that personifies NOT reading was combined with reading? Think it cancels each other out? Hmmm…

Take a look, in a book… at my live commentary:

0:00 – YES, you read that right. It’s DMX infused with Reading Rainbow. Shenanigans SHALL ensue. 

0:02 – K, DMX lettin’ ya’ll know that this is that real shit, yo. Because reading IS real. A reading rainbow might not be (O_O I’m just playin’ kids, it IS real… then again you shouldn’t be reading this, get out grown folks bidness!), but reading?! That’s a real issue. Because the internet will SHOLE show you that… well, it’s a fundamental exercise that more people need to participate in. Oop!

0:06 – DMX doing his hype growl because he obviously excited about literacy.

0:09 – AWWWWW snap, you know it’s bout to be a party when DMX says, “COME ON!”… I already know this joint could legit be at the club. o_____O

0:11 – For some reason, I see “I can go twice as high” as something… different with this DMX ad-libs fusion. Different as in… I think of drugs. I have no clue why. -_-

0:13 – LMAO… “take a look… nigga!” See, this is where DMX tryna speak to the hood. You know how folks speak in the language of the community in order to get through to them? This what DMX is doing. I bet he got their attention… and yours too. 

0:17 – YOU THINK IT’S A GAME?! Tell ‘em, DMX! Because if you think Reading Rainbow is a game, then you will lose. At life. 

0:23 – “I can go anywhere… suck my…” HOL’ UP. Did he just tell ya’ll to suck his SAW-SEEGE? LMAO, I can go anywhere indeed. Is DMX’s peen in Google Maps? It’s prolly on 69 S Deez Nuts Blvd or somethin’.

0:29 – HERE WE GO AGAIN. Ish finna get extra hype now. 

0:34 – “I can be anything…. same ol’ shit, WHAT?!” ROFL, I feel like DMX is responding to the singer now. Like, oh we back at this part again? At the bridge? Just repeatin the same ol’ ish over and over, huh?

0:38 – There’s something SUPER hilarious with DMX sayin’ “my nigga” while this Ben Franklin mofo is onscreen right now. Wait… *looks at him pulling ship* that’s, like… Christopher “Smallpox” Columbus ain’t it? I need to read. 

0:44 – DMX, you better DRILL in their head that this ain’t a game by asking rhetorical questions regarding whether it’s a game!

0:48 – WHAT’CHALL REALLY WAAAAANT AH AH. You want to READ that’s what. That’s the only answer.

0:51 – RIDE OR DIE. We just gone pretend “Ride” is code for “Read.” This makes sense.

So, how ya’ll like this Reading Rainbow Remix? Don’t ya’ll got this huge urge to go READ something?! I mean, other than this blog post you just read? Let’s go outside and ride the Reading Rainbow, Pinchers!

ONE.

TWO.

MEET ME OUTSIDE.

Lawd. Have a great weekend, ya’ll. You were missed. Foolery was missed.

Love ya like Romney loves snatching his own wig for $50,000 a plate,

Tonja

Sang it, Smokey.

But ain’t too much sadder than…

Being funny is… funny.

Laughter, in general, is easily my most cherished emotion. I love laughing; I love making people laugh. And, allegedly, I’m pretty good at the latter. I’m proud of that fact because as much as I love to laugh, I love even more to share in laughter with someone else.

The interesting conundrum that comes with this territory, though, is that once you have been established as the “funny one”, you are nothing but. And in an ideal world, I would love to always be the clown, facilitating the pure joy of my audience.

But, that ain’t real.

…

Shit about to get real, however.

Pinchers, as you know, I’m a sharing creature. Mostly laughter, cuteness, foolery and the like. Today, I share this: I’ve recently entered therapy.

It was a road hesitantly-traveled at first, but I finally got here. Ever since I was a child, I was the embodiment of “laugh to keep from crying.” I exploited my goofy nature as a protective umbrella, hovering over the darkness of loneliness. And lawd, was I lonely. Lawd, AM I lonely. You know that feeling of feeling most lonely within a crowd of people? That.

And I used my wild imagination to help combat that. Or more accurately, to escape that. I still do today. It’s what lead me to being a writer.

My biggest roadblock to therapy has admittedly been pride. Not ashamed of what therapy is because I have always been an advocate for it… for other people. It’s easy for me to dispense advice, not so much to take that very advice.

I am the epitome of “keeping a straight face” despite dying inside. I’ve been commended for this supposed talent at work and praised for it at home. I have a smile to envy the brightness of the sun itself, but sometimes… it’s a clown’s smile. Painted-on.

I am usually the go-to person for advice, help, assistance and anything in between. And I do it happily. I’m the person who honestly loves to surprise someone with a gift than being surprised with one myself. But throughout that, it’s easy to forget that sometimes the roles have to be reversed. I can’t handle all of my own problems any more than the very people I help can with theirs. I’m certainly not super-woman, but I sure act like it. This ain’t an Oscar-winning role, though… this is life.

I needed help. I need help. The heartbreaks, stress, tragedy and trauma that has colored my life a dull grey was outlined by the bright yellow of my foolery. And it took me a while to take off the clown costume, to take off the super-woman costume, to take off the “Cheekie” costume… and expose me.  And I felt naked. I felt vulnerable. I felt — and this is the scariest part of all — free.

As I type this, I have to let ya’ll know that I had this post brewing in my mind for a while now. In fact, ideally, I wanted to write it before I my first appointment. But as of now, I’ve been to two sessions. What my ideal and the real have in common though, is that I wanted this to come straight from the heart.

As I ramble off my heartstrings to ya’ll, tears are slipping from my eyes and onto the keyboard. And yet I keep writing.

I’m not even entirely sure what my ultimate goal is in writing this. Simply to share, to inspire, to remove the stigma? All of the above? Even more than that? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m in the process of healing myself and it was of utmost importance that I share this. I’m only two sessions in and I’m already pretty sure that therapy is one of the best things that will even happen to me. Because it’ll only serve as a catalyst to other great things I want/need in my life. And the timing is so divine in relation to the many opportunities that are the horizon for me, it has left me speechless. It has only showed me that I need this… to move forward with that.

Laughter is fantastic. Laughter to the point of crying is even better. Today, I ask you to simply… cry with me.

Love ya like Dumbo loves to fly,

Cheekie

So, in addition to my note in the past saying I would be kinda ghost in the blogoshere due to my screenwriting, this most recent absence from the eCrib was because I was ghost… in America. Sweet Jesus.

That’s right, a nigga went to the United Kingdom! Intimately known to me as the Yoo Kay. Great Britain up in this piece. Long story short (for those not following me on the Twittuh. which… blasphemy!), the plantation sent me over there so I could train a team of folks. Importance, thy name is Cheeks. Anyway, I had a weekend there to do as I dayum well pleased so I decided to spend some time shopping (even though I was technically poor in the UK since Pounds shits on US Dollars… lawd)! DUH.

Allow me to show you what I got over there…

Copped From: Marks & Spencer. Airbody was saying this was a popular department store so I had to get something from here. I loved the colors from this dress. It was of the limited collection, too. Le swag.

Copped From: H&M UK. I saw a LOT of the bird-print in the shops there, so I decided I had to snatch me one. I thought this one was cute and flightly. Pun totally intended.

Copped From: H&M UK. (jeans are my own) I love these sheer button up blouses and I thought this soft yellow one was cute.

Copped From: H&M UK. (white cami my own) More sheer. But, in skirt form. It was DEFINITELY the color that jumped out at me. I had to have this brightness in my life. lol

Copped From: TopShop UK. (jeans my own) I’ve been wanting a peplum top and/or dress for the longest time and it’s a really big thang in the UK especially. So, I snatched this cute black number that I can wear with jeans or a pencil skirt.

Copped From: H&M UK. (jeans my own) Unsurprisingly, this is my FAVORITE piece I bought. It ain’t EEEEEEM time to be wearing this hot ass sweater but I HAD to grab this. This Mickey is TOO pinchable. (O^_^O)

Copped From: Dorothy Perkins (scarf, necklace [top right], earrings), H&M UK (necklace [bottom right]). The scarf, I had to get because of the LOVEly message on it and I was feelin’ all romantical. The colors are great too. I thought the Dorothy Perkins necklace was badass AND it was on sale! And I actually plan to pair up those earrings and the H&M necklace because of the pinkish/raspberry color which I’m diggin’ as a color for jewelry nowadays.

Cheers!

Love ya like Olympians love to bite their gold medals,

Cheekie

!!!!!!!!

My FAVORITE Dr. Seuss book of all time is Green Eggs & Ham.

Now, what does that have to do with the price of chai tea in Starbucks that’s checked in via Foursquare? And why am I talmbout that when there’s foolery to be had on this here Friday?

Wellllll…

Green Eggs and Ham just so happens to be my inspiration for today. And it all started from a random convo. Yes, random. I know, surprise of the century, knowing me.

And the random convo was with the ninja I love to hate, Panama Jackson. I know! Random and PJ?! WHAAAAAA? -_-

It was so dayum random, I forgot what even PROMPTED this, but PJ said something about “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.” So, I then wondered if that book would one day become one of the Seussian book-to-movies. And THEN, I expressed how much I want the next film to be my fave, Green Eggs and Ham.

This is where it gets good.

Well, being my typo-ridden self, I actually typed GREENS Eggs and Ham and backspaced real quick. Freudian slip, perhaps. And since I’m never one to let a typo go by without saying something silly about it (seriously, anyone who GChats with me can attest to this mess), I came up with an idea.

To make a hood Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham.

-_______________-

I even threw around some lines and said that I’d make the star character, Sam-I-am… Sam-L-Jackson-I-am. And have him offer the food to a white person who had never had it before.

Ya’ll, word of advice. Never give me any inch because I’ll be SURE to take a mile.

So, because I fancy myself a writer and I love me some Seuss, I figured I’d write the entire parody using the exact model of the book. So, without further ado, I bring to you…

DR. CHEEKS’ GREENS EGGS AND HAM

I am Sam L Jackson.

Jackson L Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not eff with
that Sam-I-am!

Do you like you some greens, eggs and ham?

I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them here or there?

I would not eat them here or there.
I would not eat them any damn where.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them in a trap house?
Would you eat them with a mouse?

I do not want to even enter a trap house,
And please get an exterminator for that mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I ain’t tasting them anywhere!
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them next to your bootleg Comcast box?
Would you eat them while twisting your locs?

Not with a cable box, not with… I don’t even HAVE locs!
Not in that trap house, or the infestation of a mouse.
I would not eat them here or there.
Trust me, I wouldn’t eat them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you? Could you? In a Maybach car?
Eat them, eat them!
Because I got… BARS!

I would not could not in an overly expensive car.

You may like them, you will see!
And if you eat them, you’ll be a G.

I would not, could not be a G,
I don’t have a Maybach car so let me be!

I do not like them with the cable box.
I do not like them with non-existent locs.
I do not like them in a trap house.
I do not like them with a rabies mouse.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

A train! A train!
Could you, would you c’mon ride a train?

Not in a train! Not to be a G!
No Maybach car, give me free!*

I would not, could not next to a bad cable box.
I would not, could not with white boy locs.
I will not eat them with that mouse.
I will not eat them in that dangerous house.
I will not eat them here nor there.
I won’t eat ‘em anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Aye!
In the dark?
After the streetlights go out, in the dark?
Would you, could you in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

Would you, could you with T-Pain?

Who? I would not, could not with T-Pain.
Not in the dark, not on a train.
Not in a car, I am not a G.
I’m not checking for them, Sam, you see?
Not in a trap house. Not with a cable box.
Not with a mouse, nor wearing any locs.
I will not eat them here or there.
I’m trying to tell you, not anywhere!

You don’t want my grandma’s greens eggs and ham?
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
Could you would you with a goat?
I would not, could not with a… where’d you get a goat?

Would you, could you wearing a chinchilla coat?

It’s summertime, I could not would not wear a chinchilla coat,
I will not, will not with this probably illegal goat.
I will not eat them with T-Pain, and not on a train.
Not in the dark, I’m too afraid, thus not a G.
Not in the stolen Maybach car, you let me be!
I do not like this cable box, nor would I look right in locs.
I’d get jumped on in the trap house, and I need a cat for that mouse.
I do not eat them here or there, I do not eat them ANYWHERE!

I do not like greens, eggs and ham.
I do not like them Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

You do not like them?
You need more people, I say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them please, since I quoted Jay.

Sam!
If you let me be,
I will try this hot mess
And you will see.

*he takes a bite of dem greens, eggs and ham and sees Jesus*

Aye!
I like me some greens, eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am.

And though it’s hot as hell, I’d eat ‘em wearing a chinchilla coat,
I’d eat them (but not share, ’cause this too damn good) with a goat,
And I will eat them with T-Pain (he ain’t gettin’ none either, this ain’t a game),
Eat them in the dark, and on a train.
And I’ll co-sign that Maybach car, because I’m a G.
These are — *smacks lips* — so, so good you see!
So, I’ll eat them with my new cable box,
I’ll eat them… um, with someone who has locs.
I’ll eat them and share (ain’t tryin’ to get jumped on) with the trap house
Even leave the crumbs for the mouse.
And I will eat them here and there,
YOLO! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

I do so love me some greens, eggs and ham.
Good lookin’ out, good lookin’ out,
Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

Fin.

Have a good weekend, Pinchers! Have fun… and get me some help while ya’ll at it. Grazie.

Love ya like Katie Holmes loves her new-found freedom,

Cheekie

*I guess he’s claiming reverse racism with this line. (._.)

Are we still using that “it’s a recession”, excuse? I’mma go with that. *flips hair*

I’ve heard it so many times. Especially when I was a kid. I still hear it now.

“They swear because they can’t think of a better word to say.” or “If you cuss, you’re intellectually lazy.”

Any variation of that, but you get the point.

It’s been touted as a universal truth amongst us ninjas who read. And frankly, I consider it to contain as much bullshit as a Chicago basketball team bathroom. Excuse my français.

Here’s the thing. I’m a writer. So, I love words. And that includes ALL words. I believe every word can be used artistically in some way. Being a writer means sometimes loving words so much that you break the word’s rules and make up you own. It happens. But, what it also means is that I AM aware of the hunnid-thousand-trillion other words out there that I could use, but guess what, chicken butt?

I don’t want to.

Not because I’m lazy, not because I don’t know any other “smarter” words, but because I’d rather cuss. Cussing is colorful.

I could use ANY flowery word in the dictionary, but nothing adds spark to a sentence like a, “fuck.”

On the “intellectually lazy” tip, that can’t make sense because just as I could say, “This some bullshit”, I can EASILY also say, “This some effervescent bullshit” to “appear” more intelligent and lookee there… I’m still using the dreaded bad word ain’t I?

And yeah, I know both are still grammatically incorrect, but grammatically kiss my cheeks. *smize*

Bottom line, I can sum it up like this.

Cussing IS:

1. A way to colorfully jazz up an otherwise bland sentence.

2. A way to let out emotion, whether it be extreme anger or extreme happiness. Or anything in between.

3. Something Samuel L. Jackson has transformed into an art form.

Cussing is NOT:

1. Necessarily a cry for help due to lack of Thesaurus funds.

2. Necessarily proof of slacking in the brain department.

3. Necessarily… that damn deep.

Oh kay kay kay?! Ok, then.

Just had to make that as clear as the house ya’ll throwin’ stones from.

Pinchers, what do you feel about cussing/cursing/swearing? It’s cool if you choose not to use this language yourself, but for those who do? Is the above phrase merited for them or is it the shit from the Old Spice horse? Speak on it.

Oh, and watch your language in the comments. Tee hee. I kid. I also play.

Love ya like Frank Ocean loves to swim good,

Cheekie

P.S. On a lighter note, I have another thing to add about cussing. Ya’ll remember in school there were always those kids that couldn’t quite pronounce words correctly? They’d put the letter “r” where it didn’t even belong? Be like, “charkboard” instead of “chalkboard.” The elders used to tell me (when I was a wee Cheeks) that this phenomenon occurred because those kids cussed too much. I believed them. … Still do. ( ._.)

I kinda feel that way when it comes to foolery. Folks that know me always tell me that no matter what, I come through with some type of foolery.

Couuuuuunnnnnt on meee through thiiiiiiick and thin, a foo-luh-reeee that’ll nevvvvver ennnnd!

Ahem.

Anyway, the dopeness known as Tunde told me just that on Twitter (follow him here!) not too long ago. Something not so smile-able was going on in our Twitter timelines (I seriously forgot what… YOLO) and Tunde lamented that he needed some foolery on his timeline at that very moment.

Here I come swooping in like a foolish Mighty Mouse with a link of something silly I had come across and Tunde was all, “I can always count on Cheekie for bringing the foolery.” Ya’ll, I beamed on a balance beam. Because these are the types of things that I want to tell my grandchildren. That I is kind, I is smart, I is foolishly important.

Cut to this week. Ya know, life be funny. Kinda like women be shoppin. Lo and behold*, Tunde became someone to count on for foolery.

It was a Wednesday morning and I was on my way to work via train. As usual, I decided to see what Twitter was up to and I saw Tunde tweet, “this is what i see most mornings as i walk from the train to my building. smh.”

Duh, OF COURSE I had to click that! That was a great sell! And so, I did. The following picture prompted me to completely collapse in mental hysterics, causing me to practically demand Tunde that I use this for Friday Foolery. Since he cool, he said, “cool.”

Look, tho:

– What in the five-Boroughs hell???!!!

– First off, I’m mad this dude is a regular. I’m soooo wondering what he be doing there BESIDE winning the contest for Hottest Mess on the Block.

– This joint is seriously like an internet puzzle game called… “Spot a Struggle.”

– Let’s start with that bike. Somewhere, some little girl can’t even ride to the Boys and Girls Club because this dude straight jacked her bike.

– Ya’ll see how he reppin’ Miss Liberty, tho?! YOO ESS AYE!

– Totally got those sandals at a beauty supply house.

– Lemme stop listing stuff for a moment to ask this. New Yorker Pinchers, please learn me something. IS this man an on-the-road novelty store? Because his entire essence is doing the most. Dude look like a struggle rummage sale.

– I see he got Red Bull. Valid. I’d need energy to wear this loud ass get-up too.

– So mad he obviously stole the free tote bag you get with an Elizabeth Arden purchase at Macy’s. Or something. *looks closer* Wait… is that a DIAPER bag?! Someone PLEASE think of the children!!!

– That watch. Every time he come around the city, BLING-BLING occurs.

– He is so serious in his fabulosity. Obviously. Because he even adorned his ride with plastic flowers.

– Is that tied-up belly shirt on some SATIN steez? That thing look a tad shiny.

Ya’ll, I can’t. This is why I love big cities. Things like this happen and you can’t do nothing but side-eye and go about your day because, well, it happens all the time. It be some characters chillin’ round town, I’m tellin’ ya!

Which, by the way, Pinchers… if ya’ll EVER see some hometown madness such as the above, feel free to send it my way. Put on for yo city. Contact me riiiiiiight…. —> here.

And with that, I’m done. Ya’ll can’t blame me! LOL

Have a fab and foolish weekend!

Love ya like NBA fans love alley-oops,

Cheekie

*I kinda wanna make a buddy sitcom called “Lo and Behold” with various attention-seeking shenanigans.

Throwin’ up that young C… reppin’ the Chi, y’all!

I remember a little over a year ago, I was browsing a few blogs and I saw one particular site linked, Bon Bon Vie.

I remember being enraptured by how dope the tees were and being proud at the fact that the owner, Shari Neal was also from the Chi. And I totally respect indie businesses.

I also remember always saying that I’d buy some ish from her site. Again, that was a little over a year ago. I am quite the procrastinator.

But, the AOL keyword here is “remember.” As in, I never forgot the site nor the gorgeous Shari herself. First off, her hair is EVERYthang. I hadn’t even dived into the natural hurr pool at the time of finding Bon Bon Vie, but I do consider Shari one of my pre-inspirations.

Cut to late spring/almost-summer of this year. I finally decided that it was time to go ahead and cop the two items I had been coveting for quite some time.

What were these items? Wellll…

1. The Chicago Transit Tee. I love these type of simple, yet fashionable statement tees anyway. Whether they be witty phrases or music lyrics… they speak volumes to me. Every Chicagoan complains about the public transit system (valid! lol), but despite the trouble it causes, it IS Chicago. The “L” is that silent/invisible letter in the word, “Chicago.” And when I first saw this shirt, I knew I had to get it since it fully captures Chicago’s essence just by listing the train lines. And I have to admit I love that The Red Line is on top. Southsiiiiiiiiide!

2. The Ad Infinitum Necklace. Here’s a Pinched Fact for ya’ll: My favorite number is 8. Basically, I’m bout that infinite life. I love that the look of the number itself, represents “never-ending.” I’m bout that “to infinity and beyond” life. That “circle of life”… um… life. Plus, there’s an 8 in my birfdate! And there’s a reason why I was obsessed with the closing credits song in “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along” as a mini Cheeks. So, when I saw this necklace way back when, it was etched in my brain ever since. And I was geeked when I finally wore it out for the first time… which, funny enough, was on the 8th day of the month.

Another thing I appreciate about businesses is the little details. I love when companies add little aspects into their packaging or products that separates them from the rest. It makes it a bit more… personal. And Bon Bon Vie does just that. Finding the little “Thank You” buttons (pictured above; also there are more sold as a pack here) put a big smile on my face. I just thought that was so cute.

And then when I excitedly posted my package arrival on Instagram, tagging @sharibonbonvie (this is also her Twitter name, follow her!), she responded in kind and totally seems like a cool person. And most importantly, one who sincerely cares about the quality of her products.

Nicenessness!

There are a few other products I already know I want (especially the natural hair tees now that I’m all up and through the club) and I’ll certainly be back for more.

Pinchers, ya’ll know that as a creative type I totally respect and admire other creative types (especially in venues in which I have NO clue what I’m doing) so I totally recommend Bon Bon Vie products. They are all made with love, passion and hard work.

So, get ya’ll tails over there and browse… you’ll surely find something you like!

Love ya like rappers love to subtweet nowadays,

Cheekie

A phrase that is forever cemented in pop culture because Tom Cruise stood in the doorway wearing lifts and poured his heart out to Renée Zellweger in “Jerry Maguire.”

I’ve said this to many folks before. Many folks have said it to me. Peanut butter has said it to jelly. Kool-Aid said it to sugar. Cassidy said it to irrelevancy.

Ya’ll get it.

Because of this phrase, the idea of “completing” someone is the ultimate love goal. It basically validated the soulmate label. It has been romanticized over and over via grand gestures, spoken words, television, movies, the internet… and of course, epic tales.

You may have read about the epic tale I featured here in the past. Well, friends and you ninjas I’ont like, I got another one. And it also comes from the legendary Facebook!

Interestingly enough, I came across this tale at the end of my work day so it — in a sense — completed my day. Ba dum tsssss. I’ll be here all night therestofthispost!

– Um.

– Ya know, this would be SOOOOOO sweet in a world where ovaries were LIFE-DEPENDENT organs that MEN had.

– I can’t wait ’til this becomes super viral because MAD women are gonna be posting passive-aggressive Facebook statuses, and tweeting passive-aggressive tweets and yelling STRAIGHT-aggressive things to their men talmbout, “YEW’ONT NEVA PROVE YO LUV TUH ME! YEW SENT SUH-PRIZE FLOWUHS TUH MAH JOB?! BASIC BISH! YEW AIN’T DONATE YO OVARIEZ, THO!! AIN’T SHIT NINJA!!!” Basically, this story will be the new “John Q.” You’re welcome, fellas.

– I do love how the epic tale suggests that we repost it if we would do anything for our bf OR gf. With a double-headed heart emoticon. But, back to the point. It’s equal opportunity! Which means a gf could prove HER love by donating HER ovariez to her bf when he gets ovarian cancer. Which is bawse, because then later, he can get preggers and have ALL OF THE SPAWN. WIN WIN. Don’t ya’ll love love???

– Hmm. Ya know… I wonder how that education reform is doing.

Have a great weekend, Pinchers! And make sure you prove your love to your boo by donating something worthwhile like your ovariez. YOLO!

Love ya like Erykah Badu loves to do weird nude videos then be pissed off about the final cut,

Cheekie

‘Chall know bout that blue corn moon??

It all started with a Facebook status.

Which, ain’t so surprising. Facebook is the den of dumbness, the room of ratchet, the lair of… ludicrous.

So, Beez (who happens to beez in the trap… MIND BLOWN) posted a very poignant status with much chagrin…

Beez: First bacon. Now, the hipster foodies are trying to gentrify “soul food.” Neck bones never did anything to anybody.

Word, Beezy F. Baby. Word. I know folks are all over the Carolinas of North talmbout how “sacred” marriage is, but let’s get to the REAL pressing issues. What seems to be losing its sacred status is good ol’ soul food. Like, we can’t have NOTHIN’, can we?

Just because a bunch of 2520s with an ironic fashion sense happen to “come across” something, doesn’t make it newly cool. I’m here to learn ya’ll something. Because if you don’t know, now you know. Greens, macaroni and cheese (the kind the OVEN begat… there is no other kind), sweet potatoes, cornbread, peach cobbler, neck bones… all’at and et cetera? Has always been cool. ALL-the-hell-WAYS.

This is not some new exclusive ish that will have a special on E! at 8 o’clock, 7 central. Talmbout some dayum, “Chitterlings: The E! True Hollywood Story.” Nawl, joe!

Of course, Beez’ observation sparked quite the… passionate discourse among Alise and I. The following occurred…

Me: LET me see some “hog maws sushi.” I am catching a CASE!

Beez: You know they’re already on it… I’ve seen more oxtails mentioned in fine dining in the last 6 months than I have my whole life. We didn’t give up offal for folks to give it a fancier name and lay claim to that ish.

Alise: Chitterling Quiche with a Texas Pete reduction.

Me: *DEAD* Alise, please vacate all parts of my life.

Beez: Hog head cheese etoufee.

Me: Oh, hell. Might as well… pickled pig feet quinoa.

Beez: I swear, if this trend drives up the cost of turkey necks, me and the hipsters are gonna have a “talk.” In my “office.”

Peebz (special guest star!): Lordy, Lordy…I need a 40. *lays down*

Yeah, this is why you shouldn’t give us nice things such as open-ended statements.

And of course, we followed up with more via Gchat, which is where the foolery that was birthed via one social network (Facebook, Twitter, etc) is taken to cross ALL of the lines.

More hipster food happenings…

Beez: headcheese consomme
with the fancy thing over the e

Alise: I have a hankering for a Vienna sausage hash over turkey grease flavored couscous

Me: i can’t wait to get that fatback 100% lean goat bacon tho

Beez: I’m thinking of a pickled pig feet and quinoa salad with beets.
don’t forget the scrapple vinaigrette

Beez:  *makes chitlin borscht*

Alise: *makes a potted meat remoulade*

Me: beeeez noooo lmao
wait til i make my hot water gluten free cornbread tho

Again. No amount of nice things should be distributed amongst us.

Oh, by the way, since we obviously adopted a “can’t beat ‘em, join them… or actually, OVERthrow them” mantra, we figured we could make one of these hipster soul food joints.

My restaurant name idea? “RENT ‘EM SPORKS!” Yeah.

And Beez, rightfully said, “You’ve gotta put green in there somewhere. Hipsters do not go if there’s green.” And she’s right. So, I posited that we can put some environmental stamp on it. Maybe a picture of some little tree ninja with sunglasses on… or some ish.

SMH @ our entire essence.

Pinchers, how do you feel about gentrification? Or hipster-ization. Even beyond houses, buildings, and neighborhoods, I mean in terms of traditions period? Especially when it comes to food, it seems like there’s always some “hot, new” item to digest when really, ish been around since Morgan Freeman played stick ball with Abel (and Cain was obviously salty that Morgan liked Abel better than him). Also, do you have any other foodie items that should appear on our menu for the (now hypothetical) “Rent ‘Em Sporks” trendy restaurant?

Love ya like Chicago loves to go NUCKING FUTS when there is the combo of sunshine and a holiday weekend,

Cheekie

That’s exactly what the homie, Star did. She hit me up on GChat with a link RIGHT off the bat and told me she knew I’d love this video because it did THEE most. She get me.

Now, before I get to the video, I wanna do a prologue, so to speak. The prologue, is actually the YouTube description, but it’s too good NOT to feature on its own. Alas…

“shiiiiiiii, 3rd track off my album. gonna be a hidden track, you gotta listen to the second track all the way through to get to dis one. took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY I JUS SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.

DIS ONE CALLED IMDABES

shout out to Eli”

Huh. Firstly, I love how ol’ dude is like, “EXCLUSIVE ‘SCLUSIVE, THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET THE 3RD JOINT IS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS ONE ALLLLLAWAY THROUGH, IT’S A SECRET EGG!” As if YouTube doesn’t give users the ability to — I don’t know — fast-forward/rewind to a certain point in the video. I gotta respect the fact that he gave us the behind-the-scenes of how this video came to be, tho. Everyone loves a good DVD commentary, so mad props for that, mister. AND, as you can see, he just gave a shout-out to Eli. YES, that Eli. The Eli who has provided the most epic Friday Foolery material to ever be Friday Foolery’d. o_O

How do I know he’s paying homage to THEE Eli Porter? Le duh! The joint is called, “IMDABES.” Sure, he switched it up a bit by subtracting the “mayne”, deleting an extra ‘s’, and making it one word, but we all know who is the OG of being da bess.

Speaking of cutting to the chase, lemme drink my “digress” flavored tea and get to the gettin’:

DABESLIVECOMMENTARY:

*Quick Yet Important Note*: If you are watching this on the YouTube website instead of the embedded video above, please click the Closed Captioning (CC) button for the FULL experience. Basically, you should see subtitles while viewing. You’re welcome.

0:05 – Ya’ll see that animated video ho? What is this, some “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” or “Cool World” (mad points if you know ’bout this here) type ish? Move over Paula Abdul! This guy is DABES at live-action animated fusions! Speaking of… is that his name? IMDABES? *looks at YouTube name* Well, that says “gmcfosho”, so I may go with that. Though, the former IS more fun. Moving on…

0:07 – This is totally giving me bootleg “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” vibes.

0:23 – Oh, he doin’ the “swagswagswagswag” ad libs?! I’m in love already…

0:29 – Whoa now! Who dat? Is this ninja Liu Kang bicycle-kicking across the screen, tho?!! In a chill manner? This mofo like “woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop”, Liu Kang-ing in slow motion.

0:41 – Those hands popping out from behind the car! LOL Ok, I can already tell this gonna be one of those super fun videos where if you blink, you miss something.

0:47 – I agree. Standin on a car with a “fenga” in the air is the most accurate manner in which to provide scientific evidence that one is, indeed… DABES.

0:54 – Are “Streetfighter Turnamints” little minty candies sold at novelty stores? One of the flavors could be Raspberry Ryu or somethin’.

0:57 – FREEZE. So, I had to pause here because my ears were telling me one thing (one million dollars) but my eyes were saying another, (ALL OF THE ZEROS). So, I stopped and counted. It’s 11 zeros up in that 1 million. Aiight.

1:06 – Homie said he got the “hyest” score in the world on his SAT (which is allegedly 1600, right?), but then said he went to “Evrest.” Wow. Way to stay humble, ninja.

1:13 – LMAO. Dude was like, lemme stop playin’, a billion sounds nice but I’m just gone make up this bigger number because I’m the what? BEST.

1:19 – Power Rangers shout-out!! *Black Ranger Body Roll* Though, I do wonder what TV station he was watchin’ “Powa Rainjas” on. Oooh, Kenan & Kel! *nostalgia-gasm*

1:32 – SERIOUSLY wondering what his sudden dire need for a lightsaber is, tho.

1:37 – It seems to be just for swag purposes, but ya never know, a buffalo may pop outta nowhere or something. Hell, Drake did it when he was taking care of you.

1:41 – YESSSSSS, pyro!

1:45 – Ruh roh… those opening doors. This some Hitchcockian suspense right’chere.

1:54 – I… can’t… add anything to this.

2:00 – Yo, is that Weird Al Yankovic over there on the right???

2:01 – Ya’ll, his car move when he ain’t driving it. Either he in a automatic car wash with his joint on “neutral” or he’s the Black Chuck Norris. You decide.

2:07 – AW SNAP! The Liu Kang ninja back, but he on fire!! Too much pyro! THIS is the time to use the lightsaber. Not sure how it’ll put out a fire, but everything that has managed to happen so far leads me to believe anything is possible.

2:12 – “Teabaggin ya’ll. Liptons. On da rocs.” Lawd, Jay-Z WISH he came up with that, I bet. Missed opportunities.

2:19 – Hol’ up. So, when the baby wasn’t his, he threw ol’ girl on a MINE?! Um, where is this Maury episode? Eff seeing dudes doing various hot dances in celebration, that’s old news. Is there a Director’s Cut Maury DVD or something? Ya’ll gotta let me know this stuff.

2:23 – Lawd, this dude just Oliver Twist’d that po’ chile and he still talmbout how he the best. Prolly BECAUSE of it. Just evil.

2:25 – Chekm8, tho. *flings self off chair* … *gets up* I’m mad he felt the need to say he was playing chess (minus one ‘s’… this dude is double-s racist, obviously). Dude. You got the best SAT score in the world, but you ain’t gotta be condescending. Give us lowly “non-best” SAT scorers some credit here. Hmph.

2:31 – Wait. Wayment. Way-thehell-ment. Again with my ears and eyes having beef. I HEARD “arthritis.” YA’LL heard, “arthritis.” But, WHAT do my eyes present to me?? Motherlovin’, “ARASEDDFASDFIS.” I Shan’t! Ok, I keep joking that my squinty eyes give me limited vision, but I totally believe it now. Because this can’t be true life.

2:42 – o__________O

2:54 – See! I ain’t eeeem notice the moment where he got that random bottle of wine. SWAG on, sir!

2:59 – Oh, he must be pouring it out for that flaming Liu Kang ninja that he REFUSED to attempt to save. R.I.P. Flaming Kang.

3:04 – This fight going on in the foreground, tho. SMH

3:14 – *actually puts fengas in the sky since I’m aware of my “besssss” status*

3:20 – Wayment. How you gone uplift us then shoot us down by telling us to acknowledge that YOU the best, now? :-/

3:21 – Aw, hell now the animated video ho is on fire, too. This “Catching Fire” arse video.

3:28 – He said it!! He said, “I deed it.” HOMAGE, paid in full, bishessssss.

3:34 – He put on that crown to make it official.

3:38 – Shout-out to that sun with the shades up there with that bawse bass in its voice, too.

3:45 – *final and epic finger in the air*

And apparently (from looking at the “related videos” screenshots) this dude has LOADS of other videos doing all kinds of random mess. I see who gonna be making frequent appearances here. *whistles*

Pinchers, do you think he da bessssssss? Are YOU da bessssss? Am I da besssssss? Also, fill free to shout-out any little moments I didn’t mention above. I need a reason to watch this over and over in search for something new. It’s one of those.

Have a foolishly patriotic Memorial Day weekend!

Love ya like Eddie Murphy apparently loves to randomly smang Rocsi,

Cheekie