Pinchworthy: See’s Candies

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: A thousand apologies for leaving ya’ll stranded and pinchless this past Monday, but I was sending off my niece to her first year of college (At my alma mater, NIU! Go Huskies!). The fam all gathered for her move-in day in the dorms, and man there was shole a lot of allergen-prone ish in the air because I cried.

I see you, See's!

There comes a time when you’re introduced to something that makes you thank AND curse the universe, simultaneously. This is one of those times.

Two words: See’s Candies. What’s funny is that it took me going to an entirely different country to be introduced to this blissful yumminess. When I went to Toronto, I met BP and Legit Soul for the first time in person and they each greeted me with what is sure to be my new addiction.

When I got to Max’s house, BP showered me with a B-day card and a box of the candies. She said, “I always give these to people as a token of Cali!” Caught up with the excitement of finally getting there, I didn’t open the box right away but was thrilled to get it. Because, duh, I love candy. Adore it, even. Later on in the evening, we happened to be talking about the infamous candy and BP mentioned that she happened to have a few in her purse and she wanted everyone to try some AT THAT VERY MOMENT. The candy?

THESE:

*Homer Simpson Drool*

Butterscotch Pops, yo. Also known as “heaven in your mouth.” (I just made this up; See’s has not endorsed this slogan, whatsoever) Once I popped that lollipop into my mouth, I hummed Weezy’s “Lollipop” to myself I was in love. They’re a pretty nice size, too! The Canadians said it was a huge size, but the American (and CHICAGOAN… double-whammy) in me downed that sucker like a pro. *sly grin and wink*

Later on that night, I was swimming in See’s… sea. *doubles over in laughter at own pun* …

Anyway.

Then Legit Soul decided to add crack to a dope fiend by also giving me a Cali token. The chocolates (pictured way above). LAWD. Talk about melt in your mouf. I didn’t get to savor them until I got home (And they didn’t even melt! Went through an entire bus/plane ride intact!) and boy, was it worth the wait. Like Legit mentioned, I appreciated that none of the chocolates involved that surprise fruity ish. It was all nuts/caramel/non-fruity insides. Win-NING.

So, yeah, See’s definitely has a new stan in me. And when I was recently GChatting with Legit, she made the mistake of letting me know that you can order these goodies online. Awwwww, sookie sookie nah!

Pinchers, have you tried the deliciousness that is See’s Candies? Any other candy recommendations? Hit me up (contact page here) if you want to either SEND ME SOME or give suggestions so that I can order them! Obvious emphasis on the former. Tee hee. And if you haven’t tried them, you dayum well should. Thank me (and BP/Legit Soul, who represents the entire state of California now, as far as I’m concerned) later.

Love ya like Facebook loves making decisions for you,

Cheekie

P.S. Let’s not even talk about how I MURKED each of these boxes of candy already. At all. Grazie.

Drifting On A D.C. Memory

 

Of COURSE our nation’s capital has a monument that is phallic.

*wistful sigh*

Oh, Dee Cee. I came, I saw, I… was pinched. It was the best of times. It was the ratchetest (o_O) of times.

Quick background as to how I got there.

Remember way back when (like 50-lem years ago… or um, this past October), a few ladies and I descended onto the beaches of Miami? Well, we all decided to do that again, but bigger! Bigger, as in more folks!

In no particular order (or in order of how much I like them if ya wanna be messy for the hell of it), the participants/victims were: MsEsquire77, Nick@Nite (blog swag), Max (blog swag), LaLa (blog swag), Keisha Brown, Gem of the Ocean (blog swag), Starita34, SaneN85, Miss Patterson, L Boogie (blog swag), and That Damn African (blog swag).

Anyway, it was a fabulous time and I figured I’d give ya’ll a glimpse as to why. Soooooo…

Ten Memorable Moments In The Dee To The Cee (Oh, And Murrland, Too):

1. Up In The Air. No George Clooney. I had to list this first because I had QUITE the side-eye worthy experience traveling to and fro. Ok. So, I love Southwest. So much so that I lovingly refer to it as “Soufwest.” However, they disappointed me with their shenanigans this weekend. I kinda wanna be all Mufasa, like, “You deliberately disobeyed me!” It’s that serious. For one, my flight to BWI airport was quite a bumpy one. Like, the entire ride was doing the Bankhead Bounce. But, WAIT… there’s more! The day prior to my departure, I got a text notifying me that my flight was canceled. My face, at that very moment ~~>> ( ._.). So, after rescheduling my flight for the last departure of the night, I head to the airport and it was delayed yet again. All due to the nationwide news of Southwest having maintenance troubleshooting AND the fact that it was a thunderstorm so the staff couldn’t even fix our plane on time. And THIS flight?! Rough. Like Charlie Sheen’s aura. Pretty sure we passed through a stormy cloud (and lightning appeared WHILST we were inside) and the descent back into the Chi was rough as well. Lawd. However, even amongst all this fragglenaggle bull, the trip was SO worth it…

2. Transportation That Happens To Be Public. Like anyone who visits D.C. should, I definitely partook in The Metro. And what an experience it was. One special moment I had was when Keisha Brown realized that all of the ads in our train car was for Minute Rice. Hmm, wonder why I enjoyed that. However, what happened on Thursday night definitely stands out in terms of Metro memories. We were on our way to Park (on 14th… more on that soon) when this lady entered our train car having a full-on conversation. Of course, even my foolish self wants to give folks the benefit of the doubt so I looked for an earpiece. No dice. Not ONE damn die. She was definitely talking to herself, hand gestures and all. And she even turned to me and started talking, of which I exclaimed to Miss Patterson and Nick, “Um, she’s having a conversation with me, but I’m not a part of it.” Yup, that moment definitely solidified my place in D.C. because you aren’t officially welcomed to any big city unless you experience a crazy person on its public transportation.

3. Tourist Troubleshooting. So, we pick up Max at her hotel and decide to take a cab to Park. We tell him to go to Park on 14th and he proceeds to go. Several minutes later, we notice that it’s taking a bit long to get to our destination (especially since we were told it’s pretty close). Convo went a little like this:

Everyone: Um… sir. You know where you’re going?
Cabbie: Yes, 14th and um Park, you said?
Everyone: -___________- ?????
Nick: OMG, WHAT?!
Miss Patterson: No, we said PARK ON 14th. The nightclub. Why would you take us somewhere we didn’t say?
Me: Does 14th and Park even exist? Where were you taking us?
Cabbie: No, no no, you said 14th and Park.
Max: I don’t know what’s going on in your little dream world but we said Park at 14th.
Cabbie: I’ve been a cab driver for 30 yrs blahblahblahI’mAnAssholeWhoObviouslySwindledTouristsblahblahblah
Everyone: *gets out taxi in a huff and flags another one with some damn sense*

Right. We got Punk’d. -_- Moving on… lol

4. Pimpin’ at Park. Everyone and their mama suggested that we head to Park because it’s usually poppin’ on Thursday nights. Here is where we met Dr. J (blog swag) of SBM (where he proceeded to pinch my cheeks and say that I had the best cheeks in the world… *blush*). And here is also where everyone got super hype… so much so that folks actually made it rain at one point in the night. And Miss Patterson actually grabbed a dollar. Don’t worry, she kept it classy and slid it toward her with her foot. She didn’t just run over and bend face down, ass up.

5. First, Last… And Some Suppers In Between. The first night, L Boogie made a fabulous dinner for all of the gals who were staying at her house. Barbecue chicken, mashed sweet potatoes, and cornbread (pronounced, “cone-bread”). The cornbread in particular was mighty epic. I felt like John Coffee. Definitely quoted him, too. And then that morning, Starita decided to grace us with her infamous homemade bubble bread. Other great group dinners were at California Pizza Kitchen (where our waitress COULDA got shanked by Nick because she spilt a whole gang of drinks where she was sitting, but Nick had gotten up to go to the restroom), Busboys & Poets (where I enjoyed a lovely DC Tap Water and Mediterranean Burger), and Carrabas (where I just UP and told Eddie Brock that he smelt like heaven. Told ya I love me some cologne.).

6. Like We’re Teenagers Again. Yes, we went to the Mall. We had an actual Mall outing. Annapolis Mall to be specific. It’s such a large mall that we all decided to go off in different directions. Because I’m a bag hag, I decided to accompany Keisha Brown so that she can make her Michael Kors bag purchase. We made a few stops in between but my main destination was Macy’s. When we arrived to the bag, I gave her a great pep/hype talk and she bought it! I was like a proud mama. I think I did some variation of the dougie in celebration. Not sure… things are fuzzy. But, I wasn’t drunk… yet. Oh! And we also took Max to Target for the first time which was a special epic moment for me.

7. King Me! The evening right before we went to Adams Morgan, we all decided to do a little pep rally/pre-drinking. And what better way to do that than drinking games. Lawd. First, we decided to play the game where you have to point to a body part and say everything BUT what the body part actually is (for example, if you point to your knee, say “arm” or some ish). Whilst clapping in rhythm. It was hilarity because Miss Patterson kept messing up and having to take a sip and the one round where she SWORE she had it down pat, she pointed to her cheek and yelled, “CHEEK!” *DEAD* She was so sure of herself. Guess that was a shout-out? And THEN. We decided to play Kings which was full of laughs, but the greatest moment was when I pulled the last King. For those not familiar with this particular version of the game (because there really are several), the person who does this has to drink their entire drank… whatever is left inside. Lemme tell ya’ll when I pulled the card, I was PRAYING that I didn’t. Kept saying “please no King” over and over. Lo and effing behold, eff my entire life, I did. Why was this bad? Because I had JUST refilled my cup with Bacardi Dragonberry and there were probably TWO drops of lemonade left. WTF, that wasn’t a chaser, that was maybe a skip. Had to down the entire thing to the soundtrack of the ladies’ laughter. -___________-

8. Morgan Comma Adams. Adams Morgan: Another “have to go when in D.C.” spot. It’s basically a gaggle of joints for bar-hopping purposes. We got it IN at Grand Central. Most of us were already pre-drunk so we danced (and drank some more) the entire night. And the e-boo, Panama Jackson stopped by to party with us! I showed my appreciation by backin’ it up on him with the other cheeks. Hell, I’m sure he got sammiched by a bunch of us ladies at several points of the night. Also met Slim Jackson of SBM, where he proceeded to hug me for a long time… it was an awwwwww moment. Everyone was in such great spirits. This one dude was doing the absolute MOST and proceeded to grind on me like he could smell me ovulating or some ish. Shout-out to Stank-O for saving me from that creeperson.

9. Blossoms To The Right Of Them, Blossoms To The Left Of Them, Blossoms In Front Of Them. Let’s go get some barbecue and get busy. Anyway, one of my main reasons for trekking to the Dee Cee urr-rea, was to revel in the Cherry Blossom festival. And LAWD were they beautiful. The only thing I wish was that I saw them all at their peak (their pinkest), but I did get to see a few in all of their pink glory. When we first arrived downtown, it was gorgeous outside. The sky was perfect and I certainly thanked Jesus, Mary AND Joseph for it. Because, I had had a long conversation with the Heavenly Father prior that we had great weather for this day at least. I was JUST about to go around dancing with a collection plate praising Him when all of a sudden, ominous clouds appeared. Uh-oh. Yeah, uh-oh, indeed. It started to HAIL. Yes, a hailstorm. We all had to run under a bridge for cover. Thank gawd I was with a fun group because we all got to laugh about it.

10. *Sesame Street Count Voice* One, Two… THREE Deez. AH-AH-AH. This was where history was made. The Champ and Panama Jackson (and Liz!) of VSB finally ended up in one place and celebrated good times. Come on. (their #threedeez recap here). Wow, that was a great time. I can’t even fully express how much fun I had but let’s just say I met a ton of great folks (lurkers and regulars), got my cheeks pinched several times (well, ya’ll basic bishes pinched them… Dr. J bit them. LMAO), met more of the SBM crew, The Most Interesting Man In The World (blog swag) and Streetz (blog swag), got my VSB book signed, took shots, danced, and *mumbles other incriminating ish that I conveniently don’t remember*.

*leiomy-drops from all this damn typing*

If you made it way down here, merci beaucoup. Now’s the time to share. My VSSs! What memories do you have that I’ve forgotten (or omitted because this post would have a 50K word count). Any memories from those of you who shared any of the Dee Cee events with us? And for those who didn’t get to share in any of these festivities but HAVE been to Dee Cee… what other things do you suggest I do when I return? Yeah, I said “when.” Because I WILL be back. Ahhhh-nold.

 

Love ya like Steve Urkel (and MsEsquire77) loves cheese,

Cheekie

 

We Are Family

 

Exactly.

You know how Charlie Sheen is bi-winning right nah? Well, this post ain’t about him. Oh, you wanted a 39797597894549th write-up about Mr. Tiger Blood? Oh.

Well, I mentioned him, at least. *watches hits go up a bit due to folks Googling his name to possibly lead to my blog*

Well, there seems to be another group of folks bi-winning and they have no relation to Mr. Sheen. Unless they also have Adonis DNA. Then we have an epic Maury episode on our hands.

These folks are the Very Smart Brothas (VSB) crew. Their success has been skyrocketing at a pace that can’t really be measured. Most recently, especially, has been sort of a snowball effect in terms of big thangs poppin’. Their blog, for one, has thousands of readers per day, then there’s the book, then there’s the WaPo article, and then there’s the e-beau*, Panama Jackson on Weekly With Ed Gordon this past Sunday night. I can’t even list all of the other coverage they’ve already gotten, but these particular things of note all happened in such a small time frame, it gave me whiplash. Figuratively, not literally.

I was on Gchat/Twitter with a few other VSB fans and the sentiment was universal: pride. A convo I had with commenter, Keisha Brown in particular had me thinking about this feeling and where it came from.

Usually, when you watch a platform increase in popularity, it causes you to think back on its beginning. I remember when I first found VSB. I was a frequent visitor of the now-defunct, Stuff Black People Hate** (SBPH) and one day I came across a link in its comment section. I went over and checked out a few posts*** and also noticed a few folks from SBPH in VSB’s comment section. I immediately felt at home. Not solely for the fact that I got welcomed with glitter (for real, for real), but because the overall feeling was that of a community. I had never quite experienced that at a blog. Not at that level. I quickly fell in love with The Champ’s hilarious witticisms and Panama Jackson’s hilarious randomness and found myself visiting there first in my daily e-driveby. Which, yup, I still do to this day.

Anyway, back to feelings. Whoa whoa whoa feelings.

This feeling of community I experienced rapidly delved into a feeling of family. And watching VSB’s success explode makes me swell with pride on some weightlifter ish. I talmbout, swole. I feel like I’m a part of it in some small way. Their success is my success. Our success.

And from what I’ve read of my fellow commenters, we all pretty much feel the same way. No matter how personally the commenters may know the writers or not, they feel as if they do. And this is the type of atmosphere that VSB has provided. We held the VSB book as goosebumps ran through our fingers, we saw the announcement of Washington Post doing an article in a state of shock, and we watched Panama Jackson on BET with a “That’s my boy, yo!” feeling in our gut.

Champ, Panama, and Liz. Mucho hugs and congrats to ya’ll. And here’s looking forward to many more. And yeah, this VSBer will always be along for the ride. I’ll hang on tight.

Pinchers, speak your Very Smart Brothas love… below. You don’t know of them? How you find me before them? Yeah, impossible…

Love ya like Girl Scouts love to tempt me with Thin Mints,

Cheekie

 

 

 

*Props to the VSB commenters for inspiring me to step up my fanciness.
**Lawd, I miss that site.
***I can’t say this is the first post I’ve read of theirs, but this is the first post that truly resonated with me in a “Oh, yeah, I definitely gotta read them every damn day” kinda way.

Nom Nom Nom: Thanksgiving Edition

I see Mr. Turkey is DESPERATE to change Dubya's mind about the butchering...

 

As your tummy probably told you (via growling), Thanksgiving Day is on the horizon. And that brings food, food, and oh yeah… food. I’m guessing the holiday version of the “Freshman Fifteen” would be the Thanksgiving Thirty?

Anyhow, since the holidays can put people in a sharing mood, I figured I’d share my favorite Thanksgiving dishes. These dishes have been a part of my life since forever and eating them always gives me a little dose of heaven.*

Alas, I present:

My Top Five Thanksgiving Viddles

1. Greens. Oh, just typing out the letters “G-R-E-E-N-S” just makes me shiver with bliss. Grandma Cheekie used to often make collard greens with rice and it was divine. However, my favorite type of greens is mustard/turnip greens mixed with spinach. My sister puts her foot in some mustard/turnip greens. I’m not really the great cook in the family (hell, I can’t compete! but I do learn some things!) so I usually do the preparing. And “preparing” greens ain’t no picnic. We don’t do that canned shit. We use fresh, multiple bunches of greens. Every Thanksgiving, I pick and wash the greens. And greens are dirty (bugs and air-thang), so it takes several different rounds of washing to get them to an edible state. But, lawdhamercy is it worf it. I complain and complain about having to pick/wash the greens, but I end up saying it’s all worth it when I’m eating it. I do this routine every year, too. I do have to admit, I feel all kinds of salty when I pick/wash 10 bunches of greens only to watch them shrivel up like peen in Antarctica when we toss the greens in the boiling pot, causing it to appear as if I didn’t do that much work. Rude. They still tasty dinna mug, doe. *Homer drool*

2. Macaroni and Cheese. Or should I say “cheese and macaroni?” I’ve mentioned my bizarre relationship with cheese before, and this is one of the items that I love to be super cheesy. The cheesier, the better. And let me get this clear right now, I don’t fux with that box shit. Kraft Mac’ N’ Cheese or whatever other ish that comes with powder cheese is NOT macaroni and cheese, IMO. I’m talmbout baked macaroni and cheese. As far as I’m concerned, there is no other kind. The kind with the hardened cheesy top, giving it sort of a different texture. Mmmmm!

3. Peach Cobbler. For some strange reason, I actually didn’t get to taste Mama Cheekie’s infamous peach cobbler until later in life. Maybe she went on a peach cobbler hiatus while I was staying with my grandma? Who knows. Either way, I cannot believe I went half of my life without knowing the taste of this pure heaven. Mama Cheekie isn’t exactly known as the “cook” in the family, but Lawd she throws the eff DOWN on that young peach cobbler. It is the perfect amount of tart/sweet and, of course, my favorite part is the corner since the breading is a bit crunchier on the edge. Yum!

4. Cornish Hens. You know how everything tastes like chicken? Well, these actually taste like chicken considering it is pretty much a damn chicken. It’s like a mini chicken. Our family never really had a huge turkey as our main meat (in fact, my mama prefers duck), so cornish hens would be the meat stuffed with (and placed among the) dressing. Which, I have to mention that, yeah I (and many other Black folks) don’t do stuffing. It’s DRESSING. I love this so much because it’s a very lean meat and it’s mostly white meat, which I love. Oh, don’t worry, that applies mainly to food, brothas. *sucks fingers*

5. Sweet Potato Pie. Another one of Mama Cheekie’s treats. Every Thanskgiving (since living on my own), I always have to request my own personal pie to take home with me because it is so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a spoilt youngest daughter. Hey, in my defense, she does it for other folks, too. She’s doting that way. Anyhow, the pie is extra good with a dash of Cool Whip. Oh, and by the way: Sweet Potato Pie > Pumpkin Pie. You mad? *salivates*

Pinchers, it’s your turn! What are your favorite Thanksgiving Dishes? Do share, I’m interested in seeing what kinds of different dishes ya’ll cook out there! Your IP address will get banned if you say ‘chitlins.’ Ok, no it won’t. (It might)

 

Love ya like Nicki Minaj loves Fridays that are pink,

Cheekie

 

 

 

*Idris Elba would give me an overdose of heaven, by the way.

Nom Nom Nom: School Snack Attack

Yeah, I see why I chose junk food over this nitrates-loaf.

I wish nostalgic started with a “w” so I could make a cutesy title for Wednesday.

Recently, there’s been a ginormous surge in Facebook friend requests from ninjas I knew in elementary school. This got me feeling all Barbara Streisand as I frolicked through the memories in the corner of my mind. Got me sitting here wondering how everyone aged and daydreaming about the days of yore. When I was a wee Cheekie. When my cheeks were even more pinchable than they are now and yet I was more likely to cut a bish if anyone pinched them.

One particular aspect of my elementary school — wait… *record scratch* Hol’ up. WHY am I callin’ it “elementary school” when I know dayum well I say “grammar school?” Oh, I’m fancy, huh? Naw, I’m still down. *B-Boy stance* — I mean, one particular aspect of my grammar school times was the cafeteria. And my fondest memories have absolutely nothing to do with the preservative burgers they call food, it was the snacks that ruled the cafeteria at my joint.

It’ll take forever to list ‘em all, and Lawd knows no one has time for that (unless you live in a boring place like Utah, then you have time for everything. #ignorantshotsfired). So, I’ll just list my top five. Gimme a high five!*

1. The Hot Pickle. Excuse me, you thought you were cool? No, trick, no. You were not the ish until you made that pop sound using your tongue and the roof of your mouth after biting into a hot pickle. Yes, you could’ve gotten “sour”, like the Average Tyrone, but if you got that young hot pickle? You were gangsta. I’ve always loved me some spicy stuff (still do), but I could only eat these in moderation. Even though I loved them so. Let’s just say that I’d rather sacrifice my vice than having to introduce vaseline (old school) to my other cheeks. o_O

2. The Hot-Sauced Doritos. Oh, praise Him, this is still one of my weaknesses to this day. I’ve calmed down on them since my more youthful years (shiiiit, I’m STILL youthful, Fountain of Youth BISH), but I used to go SO hard on Doritos with hot sauce. I used to drench those mofos with hot sauce so much, there would be a pool of hot sauce remaining after I scraped up the last crumb. I had my Doritos swimming at a hot sauce waterpark. It was so obnoxious and now that I think about it as a current grown folk (i.e. more rational), I want to backhand younger Cheekie for wasting all that good hot sauce. If I’ve done my fake calculations correctly, I could’ve had 4 extra bottles of hot sauce right now. SON OF A –

3. The Frooties. Ya’ll remember the penny candy lady? The one who illegaly sold candy out of her crib? Shoot, ya’ll remember penny candy period? Well, my favorite was Chews and Frooties, with a slight advantage to Frooties. I would murder a huge bag of those things and I’d only be out of, like, 50 cents. Those were the days, Archie and Edith. Hell, my sister Chyna upped and surprised me by buying me two big ol’ bags of Frooties recently. She wins at sibling-hood. *as my teeth Leiomy-drop** due to all that torture*

4. The Butter Cookies. Ah, the classic cafeteria snack. The cafeteria ladies used to set up this table in the corner of the lunchroom (another non-bougie switch from “cafeteria”…I know damn well I said “lunchroom” back then) and sell these buttery versions of manna for a quarter. This snack is truly a heart-attack waiting to happen classic. Hell, Mama Cheekie — to this day — lusts for these since she ate them when she was a young buck at school as well. It’s hard to find some true butter cookies unless you frequent the hole-in-the-wall chicken shack. Which I proudly do. Harolds FTW. As much as I liked these, they still didn’t hold a candle to…

5. The Caramel Cake. JesusMaryJoseph, I just had a food-gasm right nah. Just thinking about it. Next to the butter cookies, the lunchroom ladies would set up a baking pan full of caramel cake slices, fresh out of the oven, of which they’d sell for 50 cents. And I’m not talking about caramel icing. Let’s get this straight right the eff now. I mean, ooey-gooey warm caramel. Those cakes left me in such a perpetual state of bliss, I am mighty sure I pissed platinum during those days. I remember feeling the ultimate butthurtness when they stopped selling them and I went on a rampage trying to find them at stores, but everyone is up on that icing blasphemy. That ain’t caramel! I know caramel (*points to skin*), and that ain’t no caramel. Blech. But, you know who really reigns supreme in that area? My auntie! She makes THEE best caramel cake in the history of flour. I remember I tasted it at a family gathering one day and was like, ‘Um, why come no one told me ’bout this?!” I was heated that I went about 13 years without knowing the heaven she made in the oven. Where dey do dat at? #FamilyFAIL. Once I got the true benefits from her delectable pastries, she moved to New Orleans. FML. *as I plan to visit her in the near future on some “Heywherethecakeat? It’s so great to see you! *hugs* Thecake, doe.” ish.*

And that wraps up the list. Thank goodness it’s over because my tummy is in that growling mode and that’s never a good thing.***

Pinchers! Share your favorite school snacks! And while you’re sharing, if you can make a caramel cake like the one described above, send it my way. I will pay you in pinches. You pay the shipping & handling charges. Much love.

Love ya like Brian Pumper loves to look like a funhouse mirror Lloyd Banks,

Cheekie

*”We’re brothers. We’re happy and we’re singing and we’re colored.” is what truly precedes this sentence and everyone knows that. It is law.
**So, apparently her name is spelt “Leoimy” and not “Leyomi?” I just found this out, TODAY. Ok, whichever one of you anonymous internet ninjas made me think this queen’s name was spelt like the latter? I wish for you an entire lifetime of Crocs fashion shows. The nerve. And nobody had the ego heart to correct me after all this time?! Hmph.
***My tummy seems to growl at the worst times, like during an exam when I was in college (everyone is quiet) or during a meeting at work (everyone is quiet and trying to stay awake). FML.

Reach for the Sky: 3 Main Things I Loved About Toy Story 3

So, I know this ain’t the official TS3 promo pic, but this shirt is too fabulous to not post here.

Remember when I said I’d do a review of Toy Story 3? No? Well, allow me to make like F5 on a PC and REFRESH your memory with this link. Got it? Great.

Please be warned that this review — like most, if not all reviews — may be a bit spoilery. I’m warning you not because it’s the right thing to do, but because I effing HATE to be spoiled myself. Sympathy for the win. See how I bolded AND drowned this warning in red? I care.

Oh pinchers, lemme tell ya it was super hard for me to narrow down three concrete things I really loved about Toy Story 3. But, I wanted to be all clever and shit by making a list of three in honor of the third installment of the Toy Story series. Genius? I think so.

Short Review: It was the fucking best I ever had. No Drake. Long-ish Review: Please see below.

I now present you with the three main things I loved about Toy Story 3:

1. The Andy/Woody relationship dynamic. This was definitely my favorite aspect of the film. It’s what ultimately made me shed the waterworks at the end. I loved the fact that as Andy grew up, so did Woody. And at the same pace! Brilliant, if you ask me. Which, you didn’t. And yet, I’ve answered. Anyhow. I’ve always related to “that special toy” aspect that Andy and Woody shared. I effing busted out laughing when he held up Woody and Buzz while deciding what to do with them and he abruptly tosses Woody into the “college” box and Buzz into the “attic” bag. It was so hilarious, especially since Woody was so worried about being replaced in the first Toy Story installment. Just like Andy, even though I knew I was “too old” for those toys, they always held a special place in my heart. For me, it was my Barbie doll collection (something I’ll probably blog about in the future) and I actually didn’t get rid of them until last year. I donated them…just like Andy. The difficult decision Andy makes with Woody in particular tugged at the heartstrings and I left the theater emotionally satisfied. Pixar always had that effect on me and it definitely did with this wrap-up of my favorite series.

2. The Opening Scene. Similar to the film, Up, I really enjoyed the opening scene and follow-up montage. I appreciated the decision to truly place the toys in the setting that Andy created for them. Brilliant. It made me think of the opening scene of the first film where you could still clearly tell he was playing with the toys. In the third film, all of the action was happening as if the toy characters were truly real. No hands handling them, just them. I think showing it this way was definitely an effective pre-cursor to the “Andy growing up” home-video montage. That scene spoke to the wide (and wild) imagination we each had as a child. I thought it was a great way to start this particular film…the end of a saga.

3. Ken, the Accessory. Seriously, wasn’t it hilarious how he was called just an accessory to Barbie? Anyhow, I loved this character. I adored the “Barbie/Ken meet” scene like no one’s business. I cracked up at the subtle nods to his questionable sexuality. I died a thousand splendid deaths when all of the toys thought they received a letter from Barbie and when they realized it was actually Ken who wrote it, Woody brilliant broke the fourth wall and gave the audience the “knowing side-eye.” Yeah, it was stereotypical, but in that cute way. And I just realized Michael Keaton portrayed his voice! I thought he was a fantastic character. By the way, if you haven’t seen his special promo (which involves Ken) for the film, you need to. I’ll provide you with the sustenance. Don’t thank me later…or in gum. I accept U.S. Currency and hugs. In that order.

Overall, I enjoyed this film like a plate of warm rice for dinner followed by ice cream for dessert. And if you know me, those two things are manna from heaven. I definitely recommend you pretend like you’re taking some little kid to see it go out and enjoy this film if you haven’t already.

To those pinchers who have seen it, what did you like best about TS3?

Love ya like the Chi wind loves throwin’ dem ‘bows at trees lately,

Cheekie

Dear Pixar: We Should Be Together Too

Oh, Pixar, I’d drink your computer-generated bathwater.

In honor of the upcoming premier of the Pixar-gasm known as Toy Story 3 (Friday, June 18th, bishes!!!), I’ve decided to present the following:

My Ode To Pixar.

I’m a Pixar stan. It brings me joy like ol’ dude who brought Mary J. Blige joy. The main thing that I — and my fellow Pixar stans — love about Pixar is that while its movies are animated and kid-friendly, it deftly incorporates adult-themes in a way that parents can enjoy with their children while remaining inoffensive to both demographic groups. No easy feat. Pixar movies aren’t just animated movies, they’re simply movies… that happen to be animated.

Another thing I admire is Pixar’s devotion to story. While Pixar arguably holds the CGI-crown, that’s not what truly makes their films so fabulous. The Pixar team views story as a primary factor and as a screenwriter, I truly appreciate that. It’s why my dream job* is to write for them one day. Wish upon a star, Jiminy Cricket.

So, since I’ve noticed that several cable channels have been running a little Pixar marathon in celebration of the upcoming Toy Story 3 premiere and I’m in a nostalgic mood, I’ve decided to go through my Pixar journey via each feature film. In blog form. Annnnnd go:

Toy Story. *nostalgic sigh* Picture an eleven-year-old Cheekie in the theater, buck-eyed** in amazement. Pixar’s attention to detail sealed my love from the jump. Woody was my homie. I loves me some Tom Hanks, and he had me saying “Reach for the skyyyyyyy” at random moments like a psycho person. And when he abruptly screamed (after a long silence), “YOU! ARE! A! TOYYYYY!” I died laughing for a good 50-lem minutes. To this day, it is in my top 10 funny moments. And the very idea of centering a story around what all kids think/wonder (their toys coming alive when they leave the room) was effing genius. My favorite of them all. Simply because it was my first.

A Bug’s Life. Again with the detail. I loved how Pixar took us straight into the anthills and other places where bugs roam. The great one-liners centered around bugs (Fly: Hey waiter, I’m in my soup). The brilliant decision to create a rivalry between the ants and grasshoppers (word to Aesop). And Heimlich? Comedy platinum.

Toy Story 2. Jessie’s Motherfrickin Song. Need I say more? I don’t, but I will. I loved the concept of Woody finding his toymates and fully realizing that Andy won’t have him forever. It was great character development, which yes, I’m saying “character development” for an animation. A quote-unquote kid’s movie. Because Pixar is that damn dope. There was also character growth for Buzz when he realized how delusional he was while interacting with the Other Buzz at Al’s Toy Barn. Good times.

Monster’s Inc. My love! I loved me some big, blue and furry, Sulley. One time (no band camp), I actually entered to win a giant life-sized furry Sulley at Toys-R-Us. Didn’t win. I’m sure my mama is pleased because she would’ve had none of that in her abode. Seriously, it was, like, 6 feet. And Boo?! Most precious thang evah. My sister said I look like her. (WTF) Her “kitty” at the end warmed my heart like a golden Hawaiian bun. And yes, I cried at their goodbye scene. I can’t thug it up ALL the time. *pout* Also, Billy Crystal’s Mike Wazowski was fantastic. All in the delivery.

Finding Nemo. Probably the most quotable of them all. “Aww, you guys made me ink” being my favorite. Ellen D’s (See how I tried to give her a homie nickname? It’s partly about being cool and partly about not quite knowing how to spell her surname/being too lazy to look it up) Dory was perfection in terms of casting. Dory is a neurotic, spastic character and if anyone has that voice, it’s Ellen. Her friendship with Marlin was epic. And the Nemo/Marlin reunion scene? Bliss!

The Incredibles. I’ll admit I procrastinated in seeing this, but I slapped myself silly for doing so because it ended up being in my top 3! The concept was terrific. Ex-superheroes in mundane suburban life? Tons of adults can relate to that (minus the superhero part, unless you’re Barack Obama) feeling. Jack-Jack is super adorable and I love how he ended up being the wild card hero. And I loved Violet because she spoke to me. The too-shy-to-talk-to-that-special-guy me. *sigh*

Cars. Also procrastinated in seeing this one. But, it didn’t have the same effect as The Incredibles. It wasn’t one of my favorites, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless. Maybe it loses points because Owen Wilson (who I irrationally hate) voices the protagonist, Lightning McQueen? Seriously, though, it was a good film. I enjoyed the one-liners (“For the love of Chrysler!”), little gags, and the friendship between McQueen and Mater (the latter of which was a great character).

Ratatouille. This one may be the most well-written. Loved the “foodie snob/garbage rat” dynamic. Instant conflict. And it really mirrored what us Black folks go through regarding the “too big for your britches” battle we have to fight. The main character, Remy, struggled between staying true to his family (i.e. staying “down”) or risking that by branching out into the restaurant world. My favorite thing about this movie was that it was basically a love story to food. There was so much attention given to food, it was basically another character. And you couldn’t help but love the adorable Linguini.

WALL-E. Effing genius film. I truly appreciate a film that can show rather than tell. “Telling” is the easier way out in writing and this movie managed to effectively present a story with little to no dialogue. And effectively, at that. The relationship between WALL-E and EVE is one of the most epic romances of all time. OF ALL TIME. That montage of WALL-E trying to impress her is hilarious and had me dying with giggles and glee. This movie also made me cry. Of course. I’m a crying fool. Which is a nice segue into…

Up. Easily tied as second place in my top 3, with WALL-E. The opening montage is pure cinematic brilliance. I’ve probably never cried during the first few minutes of a film, but I did here. In fact, I cried all up and through this film. My thug wasn’t just on the floor, it was in the basement. Carl and Russell’s relationship was the most poignant story evah… in the history of Aristotle. And, oh lawd, the reveal of Alpha’s voice had me on the floor, dying in a sea of giggles. And the “cone of shame?” Mastercard priceless.

Whoomp, there it is. My thoughts on all that is Pixar feature films. Hopefully, my love shined through your computer and gave you a hug. Because that’s what Pixar brings me. Sweet Love. Anita Baker.

Moral of the blog: Pixar is better than you. Fin.

Love ya like Bodie loves hawking loogies,

Cheekie

P.S. Ya’ll don’t understand: I am super geeked about seeing Toy Story 3. Yes, I plan to see it on its premiere date. And yes, I will provide a review.

*My other dream job is to be Idris Elba’s lip chap.

** It is virtually impossible (without the virtually) for my squinty-eyed ass to get buck-eyed, so Pixar making my eyes go buck speaks to how fierce they are. And. What.