Somethin’ For Side-Eyes: Let It Marinate

 

His last name is “Johnson”, and he’s getting soaked. What I did there… you see it?

Sometimes you come across a story in the media and the only thing you can muster at the time is:

o_O

Yeah, that’s kinda how I felt when the homie, Keisha Brown decided to share this. <<~~ That is probably not so safe for work.

After a little bit of shock, awe, confuddlement, and questions from the title alone, I decided to read up a little bit more on it. The article discusses the art of “dick-soaking”, which has apparently been practiced within the Mormon faith for quite some time. Hit up the Urban Dictionary definition (#2) here.

Basically, this practice is about men being able to marinate their man-parts on some dick Lawry’s ish so that they can feel the bliss that is the cooch-hug, without actually getting to the happy ending.

This all brings up a couple of points:

– Loosely Defined. Of course, the modernization of many societal aspects (such as technology or media) includes sex in some form. I mean, it makes sense that the main thing that drives our choices (other than money) would be altered in a way to match the changing world we live in. Mormonism, at its purest, is a very strict practice and yet the many young folks that are born into it are expected to adapt to it, despite the fact that the world today is leaning toward… well… not-so-strict. This paradox leads the younger generation toward changing the definition of what constitutes as sex so that they can feel better about possibly going against their strong morals. And the strong morals bring me to…

– Holier Than Thou? Not So Much. Lemme get this 180 degrees straight from the jump. I’m not one to look down on anyone’s faith just because it doesn’t mirror mine. Hell, the way I see it, we have one main thing in common: We have faith. What I cannot stand is the hypocrisy laced within being holier-than-thou.* I mean, being involved in this peen-soaking method pretty much excludes you from standing on a high moral pedestal, in my honest opinion. And this is not to say that everyone who practices this religion (or any other one that doesn’t condone pre-marital sex) are holier-than-thou, because that’s obviously not true. My point is that if do you feel that you can be holier than thou and still partake in this… well, you can’t. I mean, at one point, any penetration meant sex, now it’s only if there’s geyser explosion involved?  So, I guess that means that the TONS of women who believe they haven’t yet experienced an orgasm during penetrated sex are still virgins? Oh.

Ah well, lemme digress ASAPtually. Pinchers, the (heated) floor is yours. What say you? Speak (er… type) on it.

 

Love ya like Ochocinco loves to believe his last name means “eighty-five”… except it doesn’t,

Cheekie

 

P.S. Yeah, so a former Mormon says this entire practice is falseness, but then a commenter on this post says that it is true and has been for years. Whoever to believe, I think the above post is still relevant even if ONE person is doing it…

 

 

 

*This is not dissimilar to Huckabee lambasting Natalie Portman for getting married outta wedlock and “parading” it around, even though no one remembers any similar statements when Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin & Co did the same thing, arguably at a higher rate. Funny, since the main difference between the two girls is that one is GROWN and the other one was a minor. Huh. I mean, if you’re gonna judge, judge all the way around, not only for folks that share your agenda. And for the record, I don’t see anything “wrong” with either case.

Somethin’ For Side-Eyes: The Unpopularity of Popularity

I bet the Bandwagon got A/C

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while now, but the recent wide-release of the iPhone 4* and the mass reaction to it definitely brought this concept into resurgence for me. What concept you ask? Why am I assuming you asked me something? I’ll answer the first question only. The concept is:

Anyone Who Likes Something Popular Is Assumed To Have Jumped On Some Alleged Bandwagon.

Hmm. No.

Lemme say this upfront. Yes, there are folks that ignorantly join something just because everyone else around them is doing it and they’re so dumb they don’t know how to add without using an abacus *coughteabaggerscough*. I acknowledge that. They exist.

But, come on folks, stop with the default “You just jumping on the bandwagon. You’re a trend follower.” Maybe, just maybe, people simply just like something that happens to be popular. Not because they don’t want to be left out of some fad, not because some huge corporation put an invisible chip in their brain, and not because Lady of Rage threatened their life if they didn’t conform.

And please be aware that by raging against what’s trendy, you are also jumping on a bandwagon. As you look like this: O_O

Yes. No need to look shocked. Because you know dayum well, for some reason…having an unpopular opinion ain’t even all that unpopular. In fact, in an eerie twist of wtf-ness, it seems to be the popular thing to do nowadays. I witness more people ranting about their desire to go against the grain than those who happen to follow it. Ya’ll already know how I feel about the need to be “different.” As I said then, just do you. In all manner of speaking. Forget how it looks to other people, if other people are doing it/not doing it, or if other people hate that everyone else is doing it.

In fact, I am willing to bet 500 Monopoly dollars and the road it takes to get to Ne-Yo’s hairline that everyone fancies something popular. There has to be some mathematics law out there that proves it. Will Hunting, help me out here.

Sure, I admire when people do what they please regardless if society accepts it, but that action goes both ways. Because you are just as likely — if not more, nowadays — to get peer-pressured when you like something popular as you would be if you liked something unpopular. It would just be by a different group of folks. But trust, that group is just as large. And just as popular.

*doesn’t drop mic, but instead decides to give it to Taylor Swift*

Pinchers, what are you thoughts on this? Can you relate to the above? Are you sometimes made to feel bad by your peers because you like a popular thing and are (wrongfully) accused of being a follower? Tell ‘em to “follow deez.” That’s essentially what they’re doing anyway by yanking your proverbial balls for just doing what you do. Do you think I’m just blogging outta the side of my ass? I wanna read it all. I am the Reading Rainbow of comments. Let’s hear it. It’s Monday.

The BET Awards were effing foolish**.

*Please note that while I am an unapologetic Apple ho, I am not a $300 dollar guinea pig and refuse to buy 1st generation Apple products. I wait ’til there’s some establishment. So, I’m not a crazy Apple stan, just a regular one. o_O @ a “regular stan.” WTF? I know.

** So, I usually write my entries some time in advance…before posting. And I actually wrote this statement at approx. 4:15 pm CST, way before the BET Awards actually aired. But, come on, predicting that wasn’t exactly a risk now was it?

Somethin’ For Side-Eyes: Check Yourself…Into Cash

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Because I like answering questions (read: I love wasting time when there’s time to be wasted), I’ve created a formspring account! Check me out at http://www.formspring.me/pinchmycheekie and/or fill out the formspring … um, form … on the right sidebar. K? Thank you muchly. And now back to our regularly scheduled blogging…

Welcome to the Hood Rich Exchange!

Today’s side-eye is brought to you by folks who call themselves grown and don’t have a checking account.

Jigga what?!

I said, folks who call themselves grown and don’t have a checking account.

I cannot deal with folks who crip-walk on down to the Currency Exchange, Grocery Store, or any other Check Cashing place every other week to get their money. Talmbout, “I don’t trust no bank holdin’ my money.” Oh, so you trust someone charging you to get paid? o_O

Don’t even step to me sayin’ you got yo grown-on and the vault that holds your entire life savings is a money clip.

If you cash your check at a Check Cashing venue you also probably:

– Attended a college that was just invented tomorrow.

– Live in your mama’s second bathroom.

– Spent all your tax refund money on a Sylvania 92 inch TV.

– Suck your thumb.

– Sell Frooties, Chews, and Socks on the expressway.

Raise your hand if these fit you. Oh wait, you can’t because your hands are in your pockets since you have every single penny to your name inside of them.

And I really don’t understand the places that offer “Direct Deposit.” Um, isn’t that a bank’s territory? You might as well get a Rush Card so you can receive your fake credit score online.

So, remember folks, if you claim to be an adult, make sure you open a checking account. Even if no one uses checks anymore, you’ll probably get a free check booklet. And maybe a t-shirt. Best of all, you’ll get a debit card. It keeps you from standing in a long line waiting to get some money, which frankly, sounds like an unemployment office. And we all know we like to avoid that place.

Ultimately, I’ll never really get the allurement of the Check Cashing Place. They have way too many signs on their windows and some of them cause you to draw check signs into the air like a moron:

Direct Linkage

So, pinchers, do you know someone who needs to stop playin’ and get a checking account? Tell them to read this post. Do you need to stop playin’ and get a checking account? Read this post again.

Love ya like Justin Bieber (obviously) loves hair in his corneas,

Cheekie

Somethin’ For Side-Eyes: Tell Your Mind to Hush

Don’t let these pearls fool you, I’mma thug!

Check out this scenario:

Setting: Restaurant Chain

Waitress: Hi, welcome to TGI AppleChillis! You two ready to order?

Miss Home-Training (MNHT): Yeah, I’ll have the ranch chicken wrap.

Miss No-Home-Training (MHT): And I’ll have the buffalo chicken club sandwich.

Waitress: Ok, I’ll be back with your order soon!

*time elapses*

Waitress: Ok, here you go, *places each plate down* *walks away*

MNHT: *takes bite of sandwich* Ugh, this cold as hell! Aw, hell naw. Um, waitress?!

Waitress: Yes?

MNHT: Um, ya’ll need to learn how to cook food. This is the third time somethin’ went wrong with my food!

Waitress: I’m so sorry ma’am, I didn’t cook the food, but I’ll –

MNHT: Um, how ’bout you just get my order right, okay?! Someone’s tip is decreasin’.

*Waitress walks away with a frown*

MHT: Oh, come on girl, she’s just the messenger…

MNHT: And?! You think I care who she is?!

*Other customers start to stare*

MHT: Please, keep it down, chick, folks are starin’…

MNHT: Let ‘em stare! They just mad ‘cuz I speak my mind and I ain’t scared to say what the eff I feel!

*Waitress hawks back and spits a huge lugie in MNHT’s plate of food*

Ah, those who speak their mind. The ones who “keep it real”. Lemme learn ya’ll somethin’. Folks ain’t mad because you’re keepin’ it real, they’re usually mad because you’re a tactless donkey. Look, I respect truthfulness, but when we pass the age of 5, we start to learn the art of being tactful. And even more so when we enter the adult stage.

I hate to quote a muppet, but to paraphrase the illustrious New York from “Flavor of Love” in response to another contestant, Bootz, “We all speak our mind, what do you think our thoughts come from, our ass?!”. Tabernacle truth right there.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that folks who “speak their mind” are less about keeping it real and more about keeping all the attention on them. I mean, I always side-eye folks that always have to loudly proclaim who they are and what they’re about. It reeks of trying too much. And trying too much smells like Diddy’s gym socks. Kinda like folks who always say “I’m so cool”. Um, no, you’re not cool, boo, because if you were, you wouldn’t have to say it, others would say it for you.

Anywho.

Overall, I understand the need to voice certain thoughts, but there’s a reason why thoughts in general are solely inside our head. Not every thought needs to be vocalized. Trust me, I like to keep it real too, but when keepin’ it real could lead to me making a damn fool outta myself, I’d rather tell my mind to kindly STFU. Hallelujer.

Love ya like Tiger Woods loves Nike,

Cheekie

Somethin’ For Side-Eyes: Unique is Common

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: This marks the first in a series of rants for people/places/things/ideas/whatever-Flava-Flav-is that warrant the side-eye (aka: o_O). There are many things I encounter in life that deserve it. Hence the justification for the series. Boomboompow.

Imagine with me for a minute. You’re* out with your homie at the shopping mall. Ya’ll enter any one of the miscellaneous popular stores. Ya’ll browse. You spot something you like and the exchange goes a little somethin’ like this:

You: Man, you see this ish?!

Homie: What?

You: *eagerly points to a pair of shoes with every pattern known to man displayed on it*

Homie: Yeah, I see it…unfortunately.

You: These are tight! Ain’t nobody gon’ have these joints! I. Must. Have. *explodes from exclusiveness*

Stop right there.

That…that ish right there, is what makes me side-eye folks. This “I must be unique and I will go all outta my way to differentiate myself from the next person” mentality that plagues the masses. Notice how I said “the masses”. Yeah, that’s right, the very idea of “standing out” is a damn trend in and of itself! I mean, I get it, you don’t wanna be like everybody else. But, don’t you realize that by trying hard not to be like everybody else, you are essentially being like everybody else? You don’t? Well, lemme learn you somethin’.

How about, instead of focusing so hard on being unique and not following trends, you just …*gasp*… DO YOU. Wear something because you like it. It ain’t like Helena Bonham Carter will present you with an “OMG! U SO DIFFERENT!”award for your efforts**. Because, trust, while you are turning your nose up at folks that follow trends, there are just as many people — if not more — who are on the search to be “different”. Thus, creating a trend. So, you ain’t as unique as you think. So, for the love of Brandy’s lacefront, please stop styling yourself solely for the sake of being different. You’re not cool. You’re a tool. In fact, you may very well be the head tool in the shed. The hammer.

Besides, the only true unique creature is this chick:

Uniqua (From “The Backyardigans“)

If you’re not be-spotted, pink, and can capture my baby nephew’s attention with your fierce (stuffed-nose-sounding) singing voice, you ain’t unique. Stop trying so hard. Just be you. That’s enough. Love yourself. In every sense of the phrase.

Love ya like KFC loves clogged arteries (allegedly),

Cheekie

*The Requisite Disclaimer: I’m just saying “you” for second-person, “Choose Your Own Adventure”-type purposes. I ain’t directly addressing you. I mean, unless you’re guilty of this topic. In which case, that’s the only reason you’d be upset enough to need this disclaimer actually. It is what it is. *kanyeshrug*

**I imagine the award to be a statuette of this.