Friday Foolery: Showin’ Up And Showin’ Out

Oh look, it’s Friday.

Before we get started here, allow me to re-introduce myself throw out a lil’ disclaimer.

*Pinched Disclaimer* —> I know the following content has been discussed ad nauseam, so just get out your barf bags now. I may be late for the party, but… so what? We like to party! I may be young, but I’m ready! Besides, I HAD to speak my piece on this.

Are you ready, though? Ready or not, here I come. You can’t hide. Leggo!

If you have been to any type of function, you know that person. Who is that person? I just said you know ‘em. But, I’ll tell you anyway. That person is always the one who shows up and does, wears, says, or looks like something that steals the entire show.

There have been two examples of this occurrence that I couldn’t just let slide like an electric line dance.

The first…

– As soon as I saw this pic on my Twitter timeline, I chastised my followers, non-followers, AND spambots. I said somethin’ like, “So ya’ll just gon’ let Charlie Wilson come on this Grammys red carpet with a wig made of gathered bathtub hair?!” It needed to be said. Because ya’ll wrong for that.

– You KNOW he done effed up when he has me longing for the days of his cornrows. And I straight up LOATHED his cornrows. You know how someone is too grown to wear cornrows? Well, Charlie is REAL grown and he still decided it was a good idea to step back into the music industry with baby braids.

– This picture only reminded me how much I hated that stoopid (yup, spelt like that. yup… spelt.) “First Name Charlie, Last Name Wilson” song. Like… ninja, this ain’t a Scantron. Plus, he look like that creepy uncle at the reunion talmbout how thick you got since he last seent you (which, was prolly when you were NINE years old or somethin’).

Moving on. The second…

– … yeah.

– So, ya’ll prolly heard the story by now. Jaheim showed up to Whitney’s funeral in this zoot suit. And the entire nation expected him to stroll down the sidewalk like Denzel and Spike did in the film, “Malcolm X.”

– Ya know, this suit brings up a frustration I can’t quite kick. I’m sorta color-blind when it comes to non-obvious purples and blues. I call purple, “blue” and blue, “purple.” So, while I thought it was purple, other folks said it was blue and everybody I was confuddled. And it DID look purple in some pictures and blue in others. Which… even more confuddling. Then again, I did read some report that he said wore purple which is what Whitney wore (and her fave color). Which, is cute. There are approx. 38,574,935 other ways to wear purple, though, so there’s that.

– Aside from the fact that he showed up to a funeral looking like “if a California Raisin and Steve Harvey mated” was hilarious in and of itself, there were the hilarious spoofs of his suit. If you missed any of the parodies, check this out. And yes, DUH, the Simba spoof is my favorite.

Pinchers, do you totally love the looks displayed above? And what are other ways famous folks have showed up and showed out, recently? Let’s get foolish up in here.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Love ya like Obama loves Omar,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Yes Shave November

Ya’ll heard of No Shave November? <– Click that link if you haven’t. Even if you have, I bet the Internets will take over your subconscious, causing you to click the link anyway. Because that’s what happens on the internets.

Basically, it’s a campaign for men’s health issues (such as prostate cancer) awareness. Since I’m bout that “eff cancer” life, I love the idea and fully support it.

What does this have to do with foolishness? Well, nothing really, but since I don’t have a segway*, I figured I’d use it as a segue. o____O

Segue into what, you (didn’t) ask? Well…

– O____________O

– Is this even hair?! I’m 72% convinced that this is a tattoo. This entire thing. On his head, too.

– In WHAT world are ninjas tryna get that Ken doll neatness with their facial hair in real life? Oh wait… this one. *flings self off bridge*

– What I’m extra mad at is how this Barbershop website is supposedly advertising this as if it’s something to advertise. I bet NOT find out that more than 1 person has this on their face. Hell, 1 is too much already.

– If it’s not a tat, then it HAS to be that tar slick that Jermaine Jackson uses on his head.

I’m done. WELL done. Like a burnt steak.

Pinchers, what ya’ll think of this fellow’s fresh ‘do? Do you think he looks like a ripe plum fool or is he lookin’ proper for a night out with a wifey chick? Or D, none of the above?

Have a great weekend. Oh! And Happy Lehm Lehm Lehm.

Love ya like Chicago loves to have multiple seasons in one day,

Cheekie

*I don’t want one.

Friday Foolery: Ridiculous Rumors

Trust me, this is relevant.

As you probably heard, the entire Black community did a collective faint when rumors of Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith separating surfaced. Some say it caused the east coast earthquake. Basically, it was major.

Thankfully, Will and Jada released a statement that shut down those rumors and continued their role as the Atlas of Black love.*

All was well with the world. Until. UN-TIL. I was watching E! News Wednesday evening and one of the talking heads mentioned that there were rumors swirling around alleging that Jada was having an affair with newly-divorcing Marc Anthony (also her costar on Hawthorne). o_O

Seriously, click this link right ‘chere. Ish said that Will caught Marc and Jada together in the Smiths’ home and “left crying.”

JIGGA WHOM?!!!

So, I hit up my sister from another mister, L Boogie, and told her of the allegations. The following occurred:

L Boogie: Woo!
me: jada pinkett was in a movie called woo, wasn’t she? random as fuck my bad lmao
L Boogie: LMAO lawd.
me: thats not entirely random
i mean it is… but it’s because theres been a lot of jada pinket news lately because of the rumor and they mentioned that movie lol
now niggas saying she fucked marc anthony
girl bye
L Boogie: Right?! She got Will, nigga!
me: RIGHT. what she look like fucking skeletor’s grandpa
man please
L Boogie: LMFAO
me: and even if they DO have an open marriage (the infidelity rumors would be for naught lol), she wouldn’t pick HIM lmao
L Boogie: eggsactlee
me: hilarity
L Boogie: she’s jada pinkett smith
me: jada motherfucking pinkett smith
L Boogie: Come the entirety of the hell on.
me: NOT the entirety
L Boogie: Lmfao
Cuz Marc Anthony is high on her list
O_-
me: the entire realm of hell doe lmao
RIGHT
out of all the hollywood niggas she knows. marc motherfucking jlo sloppy seconds anthony? oh ok.
…
me: ok like imagine marc even STEPPING to jada… what would he say?
L Boogie: BAILAMOS
wait.
whoops.
me: *hollers*
no, i really hollered. not internet hollered.
L Boogie: um
LET THE RHYTHM TAKE YOU OVER JADA, BAILAMOSSSSS TE QUIERO AMOR MIO
me: !!!!!!!!!!!
And she would give him an epic side-eye
L Boogie: *cackles*
me: like set it off proportions
L Boogie: and be like “oh so you think i like that sh!t?”
me: seriously, marc WAS enrique, the stranger bish version wasn’t he?
L Boogie: *thinks back over the years* yeah, i’d agree
me: they were out the exact same time. marc was like “is there room for me?”
L Boogie: how does D list Marc Anthony get to even be in the same room as A list by marriage Jada Pinkett Smith?
me: RIGHT. in fact, he d-list now because j.lo. welp!
L Boogie: who holds that invite list?
*rimshot*
me: OH!! and while I was researching, there were reports that… brace yourself…
L Boogie: *braces*
me: will WALKED in on the two of them and… LEFT CRYING
L Boogie: no mouf doe
me: IN HIS HOME
L Boogie: WTF
O_O
WHAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE DID THAT HAPPEN IN
Will MF’in Smith?! leaving his house, crying ?
me: He is motherfucking WILL smith. HE INVENTED raphael de la ghetto
L Boogie: he ain’t cried since 7 Pounds!
me: ok?! I know he’s an epic crier and all that, but not over this melting wax figure!
L Boogie: and Marc Anthony gon be the reason his tear ducts sign a new contract?
eggsacklee.
shoo.
me: Like, he gon’ cry bout that dayum dog SAM before he cry over some former mr j.lo
L Boogie: what lifetime movie are the tabloids tryna write?
me: ok?!
L Boogie: hell, i’m sure he’d cry over a broken fingernail before he cried over marc anthony.
me: bingo
How is Marc gonna overthrow ANYONE who actually survived Gettin Jiggy Wit It? Come on now.
L Boogie: !!!
(na na na na nana na)
me: *does the dance at my computer*
L Boogie: Marc prolly thought Will was down when Will did “Welcome to Miami”
since he said Bienvenidos a Miami in it.
NAWL SON
me: Man you probably right. smh. he reaching like a dayum rubber band, yo
L Boogie: mmhmm.
me: plus, ain’t he Jada’s HEIGHT?!
he look like it
L Boogie: might be shorter.
i think he may wear low heels, tryna steal Prince’s swag.
me: *snort*
And Jada would be like, “Ma’am. You must be this tall to ride*points to cardboard cut-out of Will*”
L Boogie: and then he would try to sing his way onto the ride
 do we even know a Marc Anthony song?
me: Girl, you have no idea HOW hard my brain has been working to think of one
I knew one before but… *blink*
L Boogie: *opens spotify*
*spotify does not recognize artist*
WELP
me: LMAOOOOOO

O_O Lawd, that was so wrong it was right. Did we HAVE to go in on that po’ man like that? Apparently so. Since we ain’t feces (props to That Damn African for this phrase; and NO, TDA, this does not count as influencing a Friday Foolery post).

Pinchers, do the opposite of being a sweet liar and tell me the truth. Do you honestly think a Marc Anthony/Jada Pinkett Smith affair could happen?

Have a weekend full of foolery!!

Love ya like peaches love cream,

Cheekie

*What I mean is that they have the burden of carrying the entire image of Black love on their shoulders. Or more accurately, their union does.

Hustle Non-Softly

Life's greatest mysteries.

“Money isn’t the root of all evil; the lack of money is the root of all evil.” I remember reading that in high school via Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad Poor Dad. And I’m now nodding my head with co-signage just as I did when I first read it.

I respect hustlers. I truly do. Big ups to folks who find creative ways to obtain that cash (which happens to rule everything around me). However, I ain’t gonna lie. The search of said cash can have folks doing some strange things and people.

Case in point? Lenny.*

Now, Lenny was the neighborhood drunkard when I was a wee Cheeks. He looked like a taller and skinnier Flava Flav. No lie. Exactly like that. And he wore the tightest pants evah. To quote my girl way back when (regarding Lenny), “His pants so tight, he can’t even fart.” He’d hobble up and down the block holding the infamous “mysterious brown paper bag drink.” -_-

Sometimes, though, he’d have a shopping cart with him. Yup, he was one of those. Loitered the grocery story parking lots and kidnapped carts. He’s the reason why dollar stores use those carts with the huge pole attached at the top so that customers can’t take it out the door. Anyway, he’d cart this buggy up and down the block, going from door-to-door and soliciting his services. ANYthing he could think of.

Lemme take ya back… way back, back into time to one particular instance…

*Lenny rings doorbell*

(from upstairs) *Mama Cheeks checks window and sees him*

Mama Cheeks: *lets out Marge Simpson Sigh* (ok, I totally made that up for dramatic effect but I’ve always wanted my mama to do this and imagined she’d be the type of person to do it)

*I also do the quick “Jehovah’s Witness” window peek and stare at Mama*

*Mama Cheeks heads downstairs*

*I follow her*

*Mama Cheeks opens door with me peeking behind her*

Mama Cheeks: Hi, Lenny, what’s up? (I can hear the sigh in her voice… lol)

Lenny: Oh, hey um, Mama Cheeks… *stops to wave to me as well* … um, I got some stuff fuh ya here! I got a lot of stuff, I just went to the Swap-o-rama and –

Mama Cheeks: What ya got, Lenny? You know I don’t have much money… I’m tryin to save myself so –

Lenny: Yeah, yeah yeah, I feel ya. Um, I just got this. It’s fresh. *pulls out toddler-sized faux-fur coat*

*I give him the most side of side-eyes (pretty sure I actually turned to the side and looked at him out the corner of my eye) and look toward the fiery sun, knowing damn well it is the middle of July and about 50-lem degrees*

Mama Cheeks: *polite chuckle*  Lenny, what am I gonna do with that? I don’t have any little children in the home.

Lenny: Oh, oh, you can give it to a cousin or a niece or a grandbaby or somethin’… This is brand new… this is like new…

*I hold back giggles*

Mama Cheeks: -_______- Um, no, that’s okay, Lenny, but thanks!

Lenny: Ya sure, because this is a fresh coat and — Ok. Can I get a square?**

Mama Cheeks: Oh, alrighty, Lenny. *hands him one*

Lenny: Aight, thanks, Mama Cheeks *waves to me* Bye, lil’ bit.

*I smile and wave in response*

Mama Cheeks: God Bless.

*Mama Cheeks closes door*

*I BUST OUT LAUGHING*

So, yeah, that was just one of the many examples in which he would try to squeeze a dollar out of a Chuck E. Cheese game token. He was a nice guy, doe. Like, I never felt in danger around him, in fact, I think he genuinely cared about his neighbors and we did of him. But, you know how you have that “special” family member that you still love? Yeah, that.

Pinchers, did ya’ll ever have THAT neighbor? The one who was pretty much infamous throughout the block? Whether they be a Nosy Nancy or a Crazy Carl… share in the comments. Sha’mone!

Love ya like Cher loves to believe in life after love,

Cheekie

*Name changed to protect the overzealous hustler.
** “Cigarette” for you bougie folks.

Friday Foolery: Pinched Pictures Vol. 3

Since the big chop, I’ve been mighty obsessed with hair, lately. I’ve spent fortnights hours on natural hair websites, viewed tons of hair pr0n, researched new products… le sigh, the list (much like the beat) goes on.

Funnily enough, even my foolery has been hair-centric. From Twitter to Gmail, I’ve come across some hair… “styles” that were, shall I say… “follically-challenged.” Basically, hair is having the best and worst week ever, simultaneously.

Allow me to explain, in pictorial form:

1.

Pic Props to That Damn African

– SIR. I’mma need you to not wander about in public resembling the Looney Tunes Abominable Snowman.

– I can’t believe that lady can just walk past him without full-on GAWKING. Like she don’t see that pile of hairy cocaine sitting there. Then again, maybe she cares about her eyes and doesn’t have insurance.

– Look at homie over there in the goggles, doe. You just KNOW he is thinking, “That is some unfortunate ish.”

– And, forgive me for even pointing this out because it’s not even the most offensive thing about this picture (but I’m a detail-oriented ho), but uh… no he is NOT wearing jean shorts. He looks like he eats moose hot dogs and washes it down with beaver sweatjuice. Lawd.

– Also, ain’t he hot?! Naw, not that kinda hot. In fact, I can’t believe you would even consider that as a possible meaning. Anyway, he’s basically wearing a sweater in what looks to be sweltering weather. Is this part of the outfit that goes with Mo’Nique’s cashmere legs? Ah well, at least no sheep had to die for it. Then again, I bet a sheep would sacrifice itself to replace that hot mess on his back.

2.

Pic Props to Keisha Brown

– Like Steen said on her Tumblr (where KB got it from), be suspicious of dudes with ‘locs wearing those fabulous hats because that up there? Can be going on underneath all’at.

– Like, I just do NOT understand how he has all that Niagra Falls-length hurr everywhere else, yet allowing the bald dome to shine through. Yes, I know your ‘locs took four score and seven years to grow, but it is time to let go and let God, on the real.

– AND let’s not talk about how he managed to get a chick to dry-hump against in a rhythmic pattern (I think the kids call it, “dancing”). Blame it on the Goose, indeed. Either that or she takes solace in the fact that he is BEHIND her. Ya know, ignorance is bliss. There will be NO turning around and eye-boning whilst shaking dem hips. Backing up ONLY.

– Chick over to his right? She know what it is. I know, girl… I. KNOW.

3.

Pic Props to Humble_One (for re-tweeting)

– WHAT IN THE “NOTHIN’ BUT A G THANG STRUGGLE  SIDE-PONYTAIL” HELL?!

– Une fille, AU REVOIR. I mean, really, young lady?! REALLY. You just gone sit there comfortably, reading your worn-in paperback book like you DON’T have a miniature ponytail (see what I did there?) sitting atop your head?!

– I know for a scientific FACT that she used an entire jar of Black Magic Styling Gel, some Super-Super Glue from “Matilda”, and a Heavyweight Olympic Lifter to get that ponytail happening.

– Also, I’m pretty sure if someone runs their fingers through it, it’ll sound like biting into a Pringles Chip.

I. CAN’T.

Man, lemme caress the entire bajeebus outta my hair because I’m thankful dinna mug for what I got.

Have a great weekend, Pinchers!

Love ya like scorned women love (garbage) disposing of wangs,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Maintaining Your Fabulussity

Yeah, you read that right. The red squiggly lines are hella pissed at that title, for sure. It’ll all make sense soon. Or not.

So, I entered the makeup game pretty late in life. I was a tomboy throughout my childhood and well into my early teens. I’m still not too much into makeup outside of mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss. And I still have much to learn.

I will NOT, however, EVER — EHHHH-VUH EVUH EVUH — learn from the following young lady:

Pinchers and Pincherettes, meet Stay Fabuluss. Apparently, she has taken upon herself to share her “look” with the world via YouTube. Google, you are going to hell for allowing this, by the way.

Let’s get to the fabuluss commentary:

0:01 – Hol’ up! (Wait a minute!) Dem eyebrows, doe. Yes, must start here. This is the reason why men are confuddled by women who shave off their eyebrows only to draw some on. This is what they were afraid of. I CANNOT with someone lookin’ like: ^._.^ Her eyebrows look like they diving into a pool at the motherlovin’ Summer Olympics.

0:09 – “And you may wonder, ‘How is beauty tips your favorite thing?’” No, puddin’, if we are wondering about ANYthing, it’s the fact that you set your makeup gun to “whore.”

0:18 – So she calls her look a “high-maintenance profile.” Lawd, her maintenance is so high, it’s John Legend.

0:32 – I love how she felt the need to specify that her makeup isn’t part of a “winter or summer regimen.” Professional! Looks like she knows her stuff! If only she’d apply that supposed knowledge to her face, though.

0:54 – “Guys if you’re watching, then maybe you can learn something, also.” *dies* They learning how to stay as far away from you as possible, boo.

1:25 – She didn’t do research?! You don’t SAY! All this shat is off the top of the dome? Lawd, I have a new respect for her, nah! -_-

1:34 – The child said “this has been working for me for years.” Girl. Your face looks like it’s working overtime with no pay.

1:55 – I love how she says drinks lots of water (props for that, as water is AIRTHANG), but hasn’t decided to splash some on her mug to wash off that color-gasm.

2:15 – CHILDREN. NINJA. HONEY. She just up and shouted out that young Tahitian Treat Fruit Punch. That was my DRANK, yo. Haven’t had any in a while, and this person may have inspired a comeback. Call it that.

2:38 – Lawd, she even stay fabuluss when she drinking carbonated beverages! Also, props to her for kinda realizing she brought out some pop after JUST preaching the water gospel. Also, did she say she had it because it’s for the KIDS she tutors? Lawd, those some strong chirruns. I bet her makeup is the reason they lost their innocence. They probably skipping around all cynical and whatnot.

3:07 – LMAO @ these health tips. So she can’t eat every vegetable on her plate at one time so her ONLY solution is to blend them in a drink? Oh. Guess having multiple meals a day wouldn’t help separate some of those veggie servings at all, huh?

4:41 – No, she is NOT talmbout ish being clogged up when her pores can’t breathe worth any kind of shit.

6:15 – She made sure to let us know that if you wash your face with baking soda, use that Arm & Hammer… not that cheap generic ish. She embodies another F adjective! Fancy! Or um… “fancee!”

7:48 – WTF was that sound? The fact that it happened right after she announced she was gonna tell her most important tip evah is hilarious. Like a record scratch. And ya’ll saw that look she gave? *falls out laughing*

7:58 – She broke her computer what? Whatever it was, she still continuing with her tutorial like a G.

8:15 – I am DYING @ the fact that she’s basically staging a campaign against chicks who doll themselves up elsewhere but don’t pay attention to their chapped Gucci lips.

8:27 – She’s definitely not a fan of the “unkempt” look. Which, I can dig it. I wonder how she feels about looking “TOO kempt”, doe?

9:55 – LOL. You can tell she was trying her bestest and nicest way to say, “You stank, ho.”

12:54 – Did this creature just cite some damn Calgon Take Me Away as her go-to for smelling good?

13:44 – This list of essentials, doe!!!

14:43 – So, she did note that if we don’t want to follow her exact rules, make sure you don’t look busted (i.e. not being ashy, avoiding wax “spilling out your ears”, etc.). Words of effing wisdom, yo.

And there ya have it! The Bozo for the brothas! Have a fabuluss Friday and weekend, Pinchers!

Love ya like the Bulls love an Eastern Final,

Cheekie

P.S. I love how apt today’s entry is, seeing as it’s Friday the 13th. I feel quite unlucky for having to be subjected to this. I apologize for bringing you along for the ride, but misery loves company, as they say.

Friday Foolery: Change We Can Be-Weave In

*breaks the fourth wall*

Hey, Pinchers! Lemme rap with you for a second.

As you know (or assume since I’m a melanin mama), I love my President. Of course the dude ain’t perfect, but I’m not even sure that’s even possible… or wanted, for that matter. So, when folks come for him on some unfounded ish, I tend to get a little defensive.

But, after a few minutes of getting caught up in my feelings, I tend to laugh it off and make a joke of it. Especially if the entire situation is a joke, if ya know what I mean. What am I talmbout? Donald Trump. Ya’ll know what happened. He came for Barack’s wig despite being the one who actually wears one on some “Where’s your birth certificate? SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS!” mess.

But, I’m of the mind that good can come out of any situation. Ladies and gentlemen of the cyberspace, I present to you Exhibit A:

Sidenote, before I react to the above foolishness, lemme give props where props are due. I found this on on the twittuh, so thanks Twitter! Even though That Damn African thought he inspired it when he linked it on GChat several hours too late.  Womp. Ok, back to regularly scheduled programming…

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

This. Is. Genius.

Now, let’s say we lived in a world where a completely unqualified person was able to get as far as running a huge campaign and being featured all over the media as legit competition. Oh wait, we do.

I can imagine Chump Trump’s platform now:

– Hair implants will be 100% covered by your health care provider.

– The word “huge” will be officially replaced with “yoooge.”

– Implementing the “Slickback Douche Foundation”, co-founded by Donald Trump, Jr.

– Reestablishing a successful economy with the “Apprenticeship” program for minorities, low-income residents, and men with receding hairlines.

– Creating a National Holiday: “D-Day” (I’m sure his monumental ego will cause him to develop a plan so that all of America forgets that “other” D-Day and only acknowledges his)

– Restructuring the curriculum of schools across the nation. Real Estate Development will be required learning as it’s the only real way to make any money in this town.

– Taxes will be raised and dropped simultaneously.

– Banishment of any sense of humor whatsoever.

– Nationally recognized moment of silence every year for the obese ferret that had to perish to make his hairhat.

– Anti-”anyone involved named Ivanka”-marriage.

Ya know, just a basic idea of what The Donald is all about.

So, Pinchers, what do you think of Trump’s fake-but-could-totally-happen-in-real-life campaign? Would you vote for him? What other things do you think he’ll stand for? Vote or dye.

Have a great weekend! Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas!

Love ya like Patrick and Demi loved clay sculptures,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Pinched Pictures Vol. 1

Salutations, Pinchers.

As ya’ll can tell, most of my Friday Foolery content consists of videos. And, sure, there have been a few pics and other miscellaneous nonsense thrown in for good foolish measure. However, I figured that I’ve come across SO many pictures, that I should dedicate posts just for those. After all, pictures can convey a thousand words. They’re quite chatty.

So, since everything happens in threes, let’s say I dedicate three pics/gifs per post. Is that cool? *waits for answer*

…

Oh wait, ya’ll in MY house, so I can do what I want.* Whose house?! Cheeks’ house!

1.

Grazie to That Damn African

~ To fully appreciate this picture: After you read the GLORIOUS caption, make sure to look at EVERYONE else’s faces. Every single other person is reacting to the baseball bat.
~ A baseball bat, doe. Is HURLING toward everyone. It is muh-friggin Peanut Butter Jelly Time, and this chick is like, “Hmm, that butterfly over yonder has 483 distinct colors.” Gangsta.
~ Even the baby, a couple rows back — who looks to be at least 3 years younger than the indifferent girl — is like, “OMG, my life is OVER! I’m coming to see you, LORD JEEBUS.”
~ Oh, ya’ll think the lady in the pink shirt and sunglasses ain’t reacting? Children, she is eating her last kernel of popcorn so that she will die happy. Because she KNOWS she’s a goner.

 

2.

Grazie to Star

~ O_O Whoa. He laid that po chile OWT. And for what? It all seemed so sudden. Hmm. Guess I gotta use my imagination for this one:
~ Man With Cap (MWC): Yo Mama. / Red Shirt Man (RSM): *WHACK*
~ MWC: Keyser Söze was actually — / RSM: *MOLLYWOP*
~ MWC: Hit me with your best shot. / RSM: *PWNED* / MWC: *meets maker*
~ MWC: I don’t believe in gravity. / RSM: *TURNS HIM INTO A BELIEVER*
~ MWC: Beyonce ain’t even cute, doe. / RSM: *BOOMPOW*

 

3.

Grazie to Humble One

~ Um. I CANNOT.
~ Ya’ll see his rogue ass hairline?! His hairline is on some fugitive, Harrison Ford ish.
~ Is that a BARBER chair behind him? He at the barbershop?! Ok, I wish I WOULD walk up in there with that much hair and they charge me full price. They have to give him a discount price, right? Perhaps the child special?
~ And I’m mad his lining is RIGHT. I mean, that mess is neat as hell. They used a dayum ruler AND a protractor to get it that straight. Guess they gotta make up for lack of hair with presentation.
~ Seriously, what do you call his forehead? A fore-teenhead?
~ And why he smirkin’? Surely, he can’t be pleased with himself and the fact that his hairline is on the FBI Most Wanted List.
~ Dude, just let go and let God. Go bald. Baldies are sexy, trust me! ANYTHING would be an upgrade to this.

That’s all, folks!

As you know, I’m always willing to partake in more foolery so if you have a hilarious pic/gif that you want to see featured in Friday Foolery, make sure to send em to pinchmycheekie@gmail.com. That goes for videos, too, of course.

Ya’ll have a great weekend! If it involves flying baseball bats, ninjas getting slapped, and a runaway hairline, consider yourself blessed.

 

Love ya like Chicago’s wind chill loves to murk my pores,

Cheekie

*Lowkey, I seriously care what ya’ll think. Please don’t leave me. I still run shat, doe. *gangsta lean*

Friday Foolery: Hard In The Stank

Ah, the sense of smell. It is a truly glorious thing. You know, they* say that smell is the strongest sense of recall. A lot of our memories are based on smells. For example, a chick may not remember how the lame that danced with her (drunk self) at the club looked like, but she for damn sure remembered that his armpits smelt like Boost Mobile.

Smell is most definitely the more powerful of the 5 senses. I know this because even though I have a friggin’ deviated septum, it still affects me the most when it comes to the male clan. It is my ultimate favorite thing about a ninja. NOTHING gets me weaker than a man that smells good. I don’t care if he look like Celie’s reflection, I will do a double-take if his cologne game is right. *faints just thinking about it*

Wellllllll, obviously, this young gentleman knows the power of scent on women. Behold:

I'm pretty sure this smells like patchouli and illiteracy.

%#$#$^$&$%$&%$U$%&%$#E!!!!%#$^$#&$%&&$&%$^$%  <~~~ My reaction upon first seeing this, give or take a few creative license points.

I apologize to the word “genius” for arbitrarily attributing it to anything other than this. Because this? IS GENIUS. Come on. Eau Le Doet? My funny bone is envious that I didn’t think of it first. WHO thought of it first, by the way? A chuuch hug and a pinch goes to the person who lets me know. Then a real hug and pinch goes to the person who came up with it. I might even let you cop a feel.

For those of you who read books instead of surfing the internets and/or listening to the radio, Eau Le Doet is a satirical spin on Waka Flocka Flame’s single, entitled, “O Let’s Do It” (pronounced oh-lay-doo-it). Alright? Alrighty. Glad we’re all caught up.

Mr. Flame. Sir. If you don’t already know about this nor have you gotten your publicist on this project, please rectify that like… yesterday. Hell, I have n’an experience in selling anything but my soul to Pixar, but even I have ideas on how to market this lovely scent.

Follow me down the brainstorming road…

If I Were To Market Waka Flocka Flame’s “Eau Le Doet” Scent:

– I’d fancify (of COURSE I can make up words, the topic is Waka) Waka Flocka’s name a bit to match the Frenchy name. I’d flash “Eau Le Doet, a scent by Wakavian Flock’shell Flameboutin” across the screen at the end of the gorgeous commercial. TELL me that don’t scream couture. Right.

– You know how fragrances have special deals such as “free tote with gift set purchase?” Well, with each purchase Waka gift set (includes Eau Le Doet cologne, aftershave cream, and soap on a string) you’d get free automatic admission to the University of Phoenix! How cool is that?! Edumacation for the win.

– I’d make sure Monsieur Flame doesn’t get confused by the new spelling. When it’s time to shoot the commercial, I don’t want his voiceover to sound like:

Waka: Oh, here go my… co-long-nee?
Production Assistant (Backstage): Cologne!
Waka: Oh! Cologne. … Eee-oh-yoo…um, E-I-E-I-O? Wuz dis e-a-u, shit?
Production Assistant: It’s pronounced “Oh.” Do it like we rehearsed, man. Just like your song. Oh. Lay. Do. It.
Waka: Oh yeah, raht. My cah-long, oh lay doo it. You do it. I do it. Less do dis. WAKAAAAAAAAAA!

Yeah…no. I want it to go a bit smoother than that. Hence my eagerness to make sure he’s comfortable and not confuddled.

So, that’s just a few ideas I had dougie-ing in my head. It’s still a work in progress, but on the real… Flamester? Hit me up if you want to make some real cash. Have your people call… me. I’ll make you BIG! *swivels in chair*

(-_-)

Happy Friday, Pinchers! Have a fabulous weekend. Hopefully, (unlike me) you’ve started your Chrismahanukwanzakah shopping. See, if the above cologne actually existed, we could’ve made some ninja’s Christmas MUCH brighter. *missed opportunities sigh*

Love ya like Lebron James loves the smell of talcum powder (in Cleveland) in the morning,

Cheekie

P.S. Random Blogger Tidbit: While typing this post, I spelled Waka’s name “Wacka” the entire time until I Googled him for something and realized I’ve been spelling it wrong the entire time. Ever since I’ve been aware of his “career.” In fact, I didn’t realize it until I was re-reading the finished post for typo-checking so I had to go back and correct each mention. I misspelled a non-existent word. FAIL. Which is hilarious, considering that I could’ve pulled that off as a pun (you know… calling him wack. Wack-a.), but I seriously thought it was spelled that way. Wayment. I should’ve just lied and said it was a pun the whole time. Too late… *smacks forehead*

*What I’ve always wondered is, who is this… “they?” You know, the folks that people always cite as saying some old proverb or adage? Who is they? The Illuminati? Probably.

No One Man Should Have All That Dour

 

Oh, I bet you ain’t emo NOW, Kanye.

Yo, I’m happy for you and I’mma let myself begin writing today’s post, but the following post is the first Kanye blog post OF ALL TIME. *kanyeshrughandsbackmic*

o__________O

So, as you know, Kanye’s new album is set to officially drop soon. November 22nd, in fact. Looks like the bootleg man has a few more days to say, “I got that young Kanye before it eeem come owt!” on the hood corner where ninjas don’t have Torrent, Limewire, or MediaFire.

Recently, Yeezy has been doing the rounds and promoting his musical spawn, much like any other artist would. However, Kanye Titter is a bit more vocal than most artists. Apparently, Matt Lauer pissed him off during The Today Show interview sparking a series of enraged/emo ALL CAPS tweets. If you’re not already (you are), follow him, by the way. Beaucoup entertainment.

Obviously, this ain’t the first time Mr. West has sounded off (more like screamed off) against folks/things that piss him off. But recently, I’ve really been hoping that he pulls a Terry McMillian and considers getting to happy.

So, I asked myself (while gazing into the mirror because I like to look folks in the eye when I’m inquiring shit), “Self, what WOULD make Kanye smile? What would actually be his beautiful dark twisted fantasy?” I thought of about four things…

1. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs…and oh yeah, HUGS. Quite a few real people and ePeople have said that Kanye needs a hug. I’ll raise you one and say he not only needs a hug, but someone needs to throw a Hug Benefit. Sponsored by The Illuminati. I mean, Jay-Z and Roc Nation. That was a typo, ya’ll. *looks over shoulder* Don’t be too hasty in shrugging off this idea, though. Picture it. A lavish affair with wall-to-wall celebs and a “suggested donation” ticket price of $3500! With attractions such as:

– Kanye Hug Booth (you can’t really hug him, doe, just a wax figure of him…but he’ll feel it! he’ll appreciate it!)
– Kanye Swag Bag, endearingly called “The Kwag Bag.” Features every one of his albums, a compass shaped like his head with the directions,  “North, South, East, and Kanye West.”, a bonus track that NO ONE else’s bag has, among other goodies.
– A Live Kanye Performance, performed entirely on Jay-Z’s shoulders.
– George Bush walking around shaking hands and caring about Black people.

2. It’s Complicated With Autotune. Kanye loves him some autotune. It allows him to sing without making dogs Leiomy-drop into a pained faint. And, I can’t lie, he does use it nicely. Dem was some catchy songs on 808s. But, whenever autotune and Kanye mate, there is some downtrodden ish going on. Basically,

Kanye Autotune : Emo :: Wacka Flacka Flame : WTF

I hereby suggest that instead of autotune, Kanye substitutes that effect with something more upbeat like… Chipmunk voice. Everyone knows the chipmunk voices make every song better and puts folks (and by “folks”, I mean “me”) in a giggly mood. Seriously, ya’ll, go to YouTube and type “Chipmunk [insert whatever song you fancy here]” and consider your life MADE. *sing-songs in autotune* Give up that autotune in the name of happiness, Kanyeezy! Use that Chipmunk effect! It’ll match your cheeks!

3. In The Name Of Fashion. He sometimes carries a murse. Point made.

Ok, all jokes aside, I never see Kanye as excited and orgasmic as he is at a fashion show (HIS TWEETS). Other than probably looking in a mirror or being in the studio, Kanye doesn’t enjoy much else than fashion. And ya must admit, he does have a certain sense of style. It may not be everyone’s style, but it’s a legit style, nonetheless. You can tell he actually takes calculated effort in putting articles of clothing together in order to look debonair… or at least his version of it. What if he had his own private fashion show? At his crib. Like, every Friday? It could be called G.O.O.D. Fashion Friday or something crazy like that. Featuring his own clothing line? His head would explode with joy. I’m sure he would have a fashion-gasm. Or at least not be in a perpetual state of the facial expression he made throughout the entire duration of his short film, Runaway. Question is, would he let Amber Rose walk his catwalk?

4. Celllll-le-brate Kan-ye, Come On! I saved the best for last. I bet $400 Monopoly dollars, a plaster of paris mold of Drake’s knee, and a partridge in a pear tree that Kanye would love this idea the best. A national Kanye holiday! Kanyepalooza, bishes!

This holiday will feature everything within your dark fantasy. The entire country will be decorated with gorgeous frills and all sorts of pomp and circumstance. Neighborhoods will probably lose their electrical power due to all of the lights adorning the sky. There will be a a 24-hour parade featuring elaborate costumes, ninjas walking in stilts, and the grand finale featuring a man dressed as a monster so grotesque, you’d most definitely be so appalled by it. Of course, there will be lots of couture and imaginable fashion, perhaps a devil in a new dress? All of the commotion would make you want to runaway to a secluded place to take a breather, but naw nicca, this is Kanye Day. This day will be so eventful, you’ll tell your grandkids that you’ve had a hell of a life, just based off this one day. If you don’t enjoy this day, don’t play the blame game and put it on the chaos going on around you because if you happen to get lost in the world of Kanye, that’s your fault. Makes you wonder just who will survive in America when someone can’t enjoy a day that Kanye orchestrates. Kanye. A dude that wears a v-neck blouse MUST be tons of fun, right? Shit would be bananas. He’d be the Willy Wonka of my beautiful dark twisted fantasy, I’m guessing.*kanyeshrug*

So, that’s just a few things I think would bring a smile to those adorrabo chipmunk cheeks. Things that would make me want to pinch ‘em even more. Pinchers, the Kanye Karpet is yours. What do you think would make Kanye smile (at best) or just less emo (at worst)?

 

Love ya like Barbara Streisand loves to remember the corners of her mind,

Cheekie

 

Yeezy taught me.