A Pinched Guest: Gospel That Grinds My Gears

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Hey, Pinchers! Today, I’m honored to have God’s Executive Assistant and my eMama, MsEsquire! She’s hilarious and I’m still campaigning for her to have her own blog. And by “campaigning”, I mean, “saying, ‘You should have your own blog, guhl!’ every now and then.” I love her and if you ain’t already familiar (thus, already loving her because nothing else is even possible), you will feel the same way after reading the below. Enjoy!

I was raised in church (go Baptists!) and one of my favorite parts of the worship experience has always been the music. I sang in the choir (altos stand up!) and loved the way we along with the piano, organ, drums, tambourines*, horns and guitar all came together and to get the congregation on their feet. I love all kinds of gospel/Christian music: hymns, Negro spirituals, anthems, praise & worship songs, etc. However, there are a few songs that irk my nerves. Which songs, you ask? Well here we go:

1)     “I’m Glad I Got that Old Time Religion” If you aren’t familiar with it here’s a sample of the lyrics: “On Monday, I got that old time religion. On Monday I got that old time religion. On Monday I got that old time religion. I’m glad, I’m glad, I’m glad!”

This song is sooo repetitive! It’s all fun and games when you’re singing about Monday and Tuesday but by Thursday you just want the misery to be over. Whoever wrote this was the world’s laziest lyricist. *sigh* I rarely hear this song anymore and for that I am exceedingly glad!

2)     “Kumbaya” Main verse/chorus: “Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Ohhh Lord, Kumbaya.”

If you don’t know this song you must have been raised in a cave, barn or alternate universe. It’s a favorite in Sunday school, vacation Bible school, camps and daycare/nursery schools across the nation. My first problem: Who/what is a kumbaya and why can’t we just use the English word/phrase?! Second problem: Why are the lyrics so uncreative? It’s like a 5 year-old wrote it! Whenever, I hear this song referenced in real-life or a TV/show movie I cringe. It makes me want to kick a squirrel!**

3)     “Jesus Will Work It Out” (original and remix) I hate this song so much I REFUSE to type any of the “lyrics”.

I (thankfully!) have never heard either of these songs in an actual church service but Christian radio sneaks them into rotation enough that I’ve heard them more often than the law should allow. There are sooo many problems with this one but here are my top 3:

a) The soloist doesn’t sing, she screams. In the original version she screeches, “Abraham, Abraham!”*** and I promise he heard her. This pains my ears and my spirit. I want to slap her with a microphone!****

b) Why are almost all of her issues about being broke? Baby needs a pair a shoes, the light bill is due, house in foreclosure, etc. How about you stop hollering and get a job! The line I hate most is: “Telephone disconnect, waitin’ on yo’ next paycheck!”. Times are hard but what kind of hood ish is this?!

c) (This one is for my Bible scholars. *pops collar for Jesus*) The song is called Jesus will work it out but all of the Biblical references are to Old Testament stories…BEFORE JESUS WAS BORN!!! I love scripture references in songs (Fred Hammond is the man!) but could you PLEASE go to Bible study before you go to the studio. Most churches have it on Tuesday or Wednesday night, check your bulletin from Sunday and follow-up.

Anyway, those are the gospel songs that make me want to commit a felony. Do you have any?

Love you like Shirley Ceasar loves high collars and long hemlines,

MsEsquire

*My friend, Lori, gave me a tambourine for my birthday a few years ago because I always wanted one. Unfortunately I’m too scared to bring it to church though since I’ve never really “played”. I wonder if anyone teaches tambourine lessons…

**I despise ALL rodents but I have an extra-deep seated hatred in my heart for squirrels. Squirrels are everywhere, especially during the fall. Why can’t the Lord send a pox upon them and wipe them off the Earth…WHY?!?!

***FYI: My friend, Lori, gave me a Siamese fighting fish for my birthday once. His name was Father Abraham. I miss him. *sniffles* Sidenote: Lori gives great gifts!

****If I ever find her it’s on! Start saving my bail money. Please and thank you

A Pinched Guest: Hope For Hoverhand

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Ok, so lemme explain. That Damn African hacked into my WordPress account and decided to hijack my eCrib with his foolishness. Either that or I asked him to honor my joint with a guest post! He’s a fool so ya’ll will enjoy this one, Pinchers! Welcome him with ridicule love and pinches!

*Camera opens with Bono singing “One” in the background as a dark silhouette stands in the foreground. Two eyes appear and you realize it’s not a silhouette*

Hi, I’m Troy McClure That Damn African. You may remember me from such blog posts as My First Time At Red Lobster and Running The Two-Minute Drill. I’m here to talk to you about an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for far too long. I’m talking about hoverhand. Hundreds of men are diagnosed with hoverhand every year and not enough attention is brought to this debilitating condition.

Urbandictionary.com defines it as a condition that “…usually takes place in photos at conventions when a nervous nerdy guy is posing with an attractive female actress or model. They usually wrap their arm around the chicks back and have their hand hover over the females shoulder or waist, afraid to touch them.” Don’t be fooled, however. There are many cases of hoverhand happening outside of conventions all over the country. Many people have friends and family members who have hoverhand and don’t even know about it.

What causes hoverhand? Some hypothesize that there is a Darwinian principle at work that causes men of lower social and evolutionary quality to be intimidated by women of higher social and evolutionary quality. Others believe it is electromagnetic in nature. Geeky fellows might have a similar Metachlorian ion concentration with that of attractive women, in which case their matching polarity would act in a repellent manner like two magnets. However, most think it’s just a guy being lame. Academics still debate about what causes it and with your donations, we can better understand this disease and help prevent it before it starts.

*picture of adolescent TDA appears in the background*

This act of limb levitation was something I battled with while I was in my youth. As a member of the Socially Awkward Brigade (SAB), I used to clam up when an attractive girl would get too close. I didn’t know the rules of touching women. How to touch them. Where to touch them. When to touch them. How much to tip after they let you touch them. It was confusing. After years of oppression and ridicule from women, I came to expect chastising before it even happened. So when presented with an opportunity to stand next to a woman in a picture, I would avoid touching her. When I was expected to put my arm around her, I would keep my hand at a safe distance away from areas that she may deem inappropriate for me to touch (i.e. her entire body). This is what plagues the minds of men with hoverhand. This is why we need your help.

There are many different types of hoverhand. There’s the “over the shoulder” hoverhand as illustrated in the picture above. There’s the “upper back” hoverhand. There’s the “lower back“ or “waist” hoverhand. However, the most troubling is a recent discovery of an evolved version of the hoverhand: the hoverarm (viewer discretion is advised). But don’t worry. If you or anyone you know have symptoms similar to what you’ve just seen, there’s hope.

Scientists have figured out that “self-confidence” can get rid of this condition once and for all. Self-confidence allows a man to not worry about inappropriately touching a woman because she probably wants him to touch her inappropriately anyway. With self-confidence, these men won’t be afraid to embrace a woman for fear of ridicule or an untimely erection. Although a method to directly infuse men with self-confidence doesn’t currently exist, scientists are working to develop technology that can. They hope this technology will be available by Stardate 2387.

This is where you come in. With a generous donation, you can help us get closer to this goal. Thousands of men with hoverhand are awkwardly taking pictures and posting them on the internet at this very moment. We laugh at them because we take for granted our own self-confidence with women, but we can’t sit idly while our fellow man suffers. Take a stand and help the fight against hoverhand today. God bless you and God bless America.

-TDA

A Pinched Guest: Size Matters?

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: So, remember last week in my Thanksgiving post where I expressed the difficulty of rushing on Sunday night to create a post? Yeah, this is where I lament said difficulty in real time. ESPECIALLY since it is the Sunday after the Thanksgiving bonanza. I have severe acute ‘itis. Yes, that’s real. So, today, I bring my second guest. My own sister, Chyna! This was originally posted on our old collab blog and I decided to bring her words over to the new spot. Enjoy! *stuffs face in peach cobbler*

Consider America’s obsession with being thin! I guess in a way I get it, because I think clothes look better on a svelte body, and obviously a lean physique is more appealing to the eye. What I don’t get however, is the attraction, especially to Caucasian men, to a woman whose body closely resembles that of a 12-year-old, pre-pubescent boy. I mean, take away the breasts, and add those little short boy haircuts, and you’ve got Dutch paint boy.

I mean, I assume that there is a clear and obvious reason that one is attracted to the opposite sex. I that it’s primarily because they are “opposite”. I assume a man has a desire to lay in bed with breasts, and hips…otherwise, what’s the point?

As demented and twisted as my analogy might sound, I’ve often wondered if a man who desires a non-curvy woman who weighs 90 pounds soaking wet, really has a desire to sleep with children. Why as a woman, who is attracted to the opposite of me, want to lie with a man who weighs 95 non-muscular pounds and he’s 30? It’s just a bit odd to me.

Ok, now how about this? What up with guys who are turned on by women who body build? Have you seen these women….. these Schwarzennegerettes? WHY in the hell would a MAN want to snuggle in bed with something that feels like his homey? But, who are we kidding? More than likely, ain’t none of his boys even that cut! In my opinion, if you want to sleep with a person that feels like a man, you’re likely attracted to men. I don’t give a damn what you say! Again, what’s natural is that if you’re attracted to the opposite sex…..well, hence the word “opposite”. Otherwise, why would a man want a woman who can bench-press his ass? I have said many times, I can’t be with a man whose ass I can kick. It’s just not going to be a safe environment for him.

I have nothing against homosexual people. I am often impressed by, more than anything, their courage to be what they are despite the threat of social repercussions. But, at least they’re not perpetrating. Now, this is all based on my personal theory. There could certainly be the possibility that men are attracted to extremely small women, or women whose biceps are twice the size of their own. Maybe I simply don’t understand or conceive the motivation of that kind of attraction. Could be! I just wonder what else could explain it.

Chyna

A Pinched Guest: We Don’t Want Equal Rights To Do This

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Happy Monday, Pinchers! Today, I bring you a special guest. My FIRST guest, in fact. That’s right, Mr. Humble_One, the infamous 1.5 of the innanets has popped my guest post cherry! *flings white confetti* Please give him a warm welcome (pinches, preferably), ya’ll! And thanks, Humble, for blessing my eCrib.

About a month ago I was at home on a Saturday afternoon and happened to catch an equestrian tournament. After watching about 5 long minutes of it  I realized that there were no Black people in it. I then realized that was a good thing. I got to thinking of other things that Black folks don’t need to integrate.

1. Stunt and Prank Shows like Jackass and WildBoyz.
Black folks get enough action in everyday life. We don’t need to get our kicks by letting alligators bite our genitals and getting thrown around in a port-a-potty.

2. Doing stuff like this when you fall asleep.
- http://bit.ly/cNLAbl
I can’t speak for everyone but where I come from this type of ish is a guaranteed beat down. Hell it might get you shot. How do you get your jollies off this? What’s so fun and funny about doing this? I think this needs to remain segregated.

3. Joining the Polar Bear Plunge.
Why you would want to dive into ice cold or damn near frozen water when it is 32 degrees or colder in January or February? This totally baffles me. We come from a tropical people. Getting in water for fun outside is only considered when it is at least 78 degrees. And sometimes that’s not warm enough. This activity does not need to be integrated.

4. Getting close and intimate with animals.
I think we can leave the kissing animals in the mouth, swimming with sharks, and playing with lions to 2520s. We don’t need an African-American or Latino-American Steve Irwin. Our people have learned to live and respect animals from a far. We stay out their hood and they stay out of ours.

5. Gay humor by straight men.
I don’t get the humor of straight men kissing each other in the mouth or simulating sex with another man. Some folks find this hilarious. Andy Samberg and Daniel Tosh are guilty of this. Can you imagine Kevin Hart or Dave Chapelle doing this? Yeah, I can’t either. I’m not homophobic or anti-gay. I’m just a Black man that doesn’t see the humor in two straight guys dry humping each other. This type of comedy does not need to be integrated.
- http://bit.ly/aIn5qn
- http://bit.ly/1bhSXj

6. Wearing clothes with animals on it or the American flag.
Other than the Polo sweater with the American flag most clothes with a big American flag looks tacky and cheesy. The same goes for 2520s that wear sweaters and shirts (with a collar and buttons) that have deer, eagles, or any other wild animal. If you stay in the Midwest or South I know you’ve seen this. What grown man/woman wears clothes with wild animals on it?
- http://amzn.to/bGtCAE
- http://amzn.to/aMNs17

7. Hunting or killing animals for sport.
It’s one thing if you stay in a rural area and thats how you eat. But if you stay in the city or suburbs there is no reason for you to hunt when you have a grocery store with a variety of meat 10 minutes from the crib. Also whats the deal with getting off hiding in the bushes killing a animal minding its on business? For sport!! This is something that we don’t need to integrate.

8. Solving race relations when drunk.
For some reason 2520s want to try to fix 400 years of oppression when they’re drunk. For some reason drunk 2520s want to reveal all their racist guilt to me.  When Black folks get drunk we don’t pour 100 years of Jim Crow onto white folks. I’ve had several White men come to me and apologize for the past, proclaim their love for Black people, and tell me how we just need peace  We minorities don’t need to integrate this activity.

I’m pretty sure there are a few things that I’ve missed. People in Cyberspace, what are other activities that don’t need to be integrated?

– Pinched by Humble_One