Are You There Siri? It’s Me, Cheeks.

"Siri, are you 'Team Edward' or 'Team Jacob'?"

There were a lot of components of the iPhone 4S that excited me. Coming from the iPhone 3GS, I liked the new design. The iOS 5 software? Niiiice. The wireless sync aspect? Winning! The 8 megapixel camera that shoots in 1080p HD?  Fabulous!

As lovely as all those updates (not all listed, of course) were, none of them excited me more than the birth of Siri. And it wasn’t even about the fact that she’d actually come in handy for practicality reasons. Nawl sons and daughters.

What got me most geeked? The fact that I’d be able to ask Siri foolish ass questions! YESSSS!

So, I awaited with the utmost bated breath as I read several reviews of Siri and how smart she is. And not only that, she’s witty! And ya’ll know I luh me some sassy intelligent bots. I definitely knew there was fun to be had once I received my own iPhone.

The fun time has come, my Pinchers. I came up with a few questions that I’d been meaning to ask Siri (Which, by the way… her voice? Sounds like she’s Stephen Hawking’s jumpoff) and I’m thrilled to share ‘em with you… as well as her answers. Leggo!

Q: What dat mouf do?
A: Wayment, so she don’t understand what her own mouf does? Or maybe she tryna be demure. I’ll ask again later in the night and see if she be on her “Twitter after dark” steez. Which, I did proceed to ask her if the freaks come out at night and she ain’t understand that, either.

Q: Are you married?
A: Oh, so now she tryna be coy? I see how it is. I TOLD you whose jumpoff she was, so that’s why she don’t wanna answer. Moving right along…

Q: Do you have any brothers?
A: Ya know what?! Here I was tryna get me a man (I even wrote a post about it!) and Siri over here cockblocking like a pig standing in front of a rooster. So, I decided to express what I needed…

Q: I need love.
A: o_O??? I think Siri is a cynic.

Q: Who’s the fairest of them all?
A: See, I was obviously fishing for compliments at this point, but she just gone give the answer that the mirror gives. She essentially copied off the mirror’s paper during an exam. Cheaters never what? Mothereffing prosper. Ok, fine, back to silliness…

Q: Where’s Waldo?
A: Well, I guess that DOES explain why she can’t find him…

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Tee hee. The more you know. *shooting star… ding*

Q: Do you like Microsoft?
A: Clearly, I was tryna start ish, but like a true politician, Siri smoothly dodged the question.

Q: What good is a diamond nobody can see?
A: Very nice! This has always been a deep philosophical question in my opinion (o_O), and I loved how Siri essentially solved the “nobody can see” part by showing a list of places where I COULD see some diamonds. Male Pinchers, feel free to purchase said diamonds and send them me. *sweet smile*

And of course, to round ‘em out, I had to combine a logical Siri question WITH a bit of foolery…

Q: How’s the weather in Deez Nuts?
A: Forget about her claiming to not know where it is (AGAIN, being suspiciously demure), the fact that she heard “Dee’s Nuts” is pretty genius. Like, now she makes me want to get a loan from some greedy bank, invest said money into a building, and create a store called, “Dee’s Nuts” that sells a variety of nuts and nut-based products. Which, obviously, each of these products would include a warning for those allergic to nuts. In fact, the warning will be on the store’s sign like, “This ENTIRE STORE may contain nuts and/or traces of nuts.” Anyway, let me keep my business plan to myself for now. Thanks, Siri! I’ll be sure to give you 5% of the proceeds.

So, that was pretty much my fun with Siri. I’m definitely not done asking her questions and I’m sure I’ll have to share more convos with ya’ll. Pinchers, do you have an iPhone 4S? If so, what have you randomly asked Siri and what did she say? If you don’t have one… uMad? I mean… er… what would you ask Siri? I’ll be your liason and whatnot.

Have a fabulous Thanksgiving, Pinchers! *turkey hugs*

Love ya like Elmo loves being tickled,

Cheekie

P.S. Interestingly enough, while I was writing this post, I came across an insane Siri exchange on Twitter (via @YolieTheJew’s retweet). Click here to check this ridiculousness out. I fell out!

The Daytime Idiot Box

 

Bingo.

So, after my Miyamuh trip (I recapped it 4 score and 10 years after the fact), I took a couple of  “me time” days off of work just to chill. During this time, I was afforded a rare luxury. Other than lying around like a slob couch potato… I got to watch daytime TV!

Those who work or go to school during the day know the rare privilege of being able to watch daytime television.  We usually only get to get a glimpse on holidays*, time-off, or if we happen to call in “sick.” Daytime TV is totally different from other-time TV, obviously. While enjoying this day of “non-productivity”, I realized that maybe it’s best that I ingest weekday TV that airs while the sun is at the highest point in the sky… at minimal intervals. Smaller doses, if you will. Or won’t. The choice is yours. The adventure is, too.

So…

Things Daytime TV Provide That I Can’t Take Too Much Of.

- The Commercials. The ones I hate the most are the ones for those 3 dollar bill ass colleges. I hate them because they are obviously targeting groups like minorities or single moms. I probably saw 50-lem dudes rapping about getting a degree in 4 hours and a paralegal certification in 6. And that one lady that says you can still go to college even if you “got a kid.” *heavy sigh* She even said “we womens.” I quit humanity every time I see that commercial.

And don’t forget the commercials that let you know it’s ok not to have a bank account like a grownup. You can just get a FUBU card! Ok, that don’t exist, but ya’ll know what I’m talmbout. Or, you can just cash your check at some shack on the corner next to the man that sells 12 pairs of socks for a dollar.

And that Education Connection heaux? I’mma need her to play in traffic during rush hour. She GRATES. Like a cheese shredder.

And ya’ll know how I feel about Infomercials. Oh, you don’t? Check out that young old school post, then!

- The Talk Shows. I enjoy the truly ratchet ones like Maury and Jerry Springer. And Wendy Williams. *howyoudoin* But, with Maury in particular, there is only so many “paternity tests” shows I can take. I actually groan every time Maury comes on with yet another paternity test show. I truly believe he is the only paternity test ticket in town. Gah. I do have to admit, though, I’mma lowkey love Maury Povich forever for being the vessel for this shit right chere. And though Jerry Springer is a lot of the same formula as well, I do enjoy the cheap sound effects by the one old producer guy in the sound booth and I can always appreciate a show that features a guy marrying a horse. “The Worst Show On Television”, indeed.

- The Judges. These are probably more popular than talk shows nowadays. Everyone and their grandma is a tv judge. Me and you, yo mama and yo cousin, too. What I find particularly interesting (and by interesting, I mean, “o___O”), is the huge increase in Latina tv judges. Like when Judge Marilyn Milian hit it big, there were like 30 other judges simultaneously trying to emulate her in some fashion. It was mighty obvious. I guess it was the same thing with the “sassy Black Lady” judge after Divorce Court’s Mablean. They replaced her with some chick that tried too hard to be sassy. Like, I TRULY believe that Mablean would sass me and then tell me to lick the icing off the spoon after she bakes a cake, but these other stranger bishes? Meh. The People’s Court theme still bumps, doe. Ya’ll remember when Nelly sampled that? Ya’ll remember Nelly? Oh, and I met Judge Mathis once. Said “hey” and shook his hand but he was kinda aloof because he was chatting with a male friend and/or companion. O_O (Lemme stop)

- I would add “Soap Operas” but I never in a day in my life effed with them. I just couldn’t get invested in the drama like most folks because even as a child, I kept bursting out laughing at the gawdawful acting. I’d watch it if folks revealed to me that Soap Operas are a parody. But, alas, these mofos are serious.

Pinchers, what do you all think about daytime television? Are you able to watch it everyday? If you’re a stay-at-home mom, are you annoyed or enraptured by all of the commercials obviously geared toward you to buy-buy-buy! Do you remember Nelly?

 

Love ya like Dubya loves to snicker like a creepy old man,

Cheekie

P.S. FYI, I didn’t forget “Cheaters.” I’m just kinda thinking about dedicating an entire post to it in the future. Stay tuned. *as you don’t give a flying frick*

 

*Speaking of holidays, I am HELLA salty that I don’t get Veterans Day off.

The Tool Of The Garden

 

I hope you don't think this post gonna be about the intricacies of gardening...

 

Recently, I was watching a marathon of Jersey Shore, just like any other self-respecting scholar. In one particular episode, the gang was in a club and Vinny was offered the chance of a lifetime. A threesome. *as all the male Pinchers do the Arsenio Hall doghouse call like it’s circa 1992* Vinny, however, wanted to remain true to his maybe-boo and decline. Mike (The Situation), decided to take one for the man-meat team and scoop ‘em up for himself.

I lay down all that backstory to say this: Situation, Vinny, and Pauly D called these chicks all kinds of hos and trollops. Ok, not “trollops”, but I just like typing/saying that word.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, all kinds of flags on the play. Pause with me for a sec. Now, I know that this double standard is something that’s not going away anytime soon. And by “anytime soon”, I mean “ever or as long Oprah rules the world, whichever comes last”, but dis some bullshit. For as much as ya’ll menfolk talk about our “chick logic” (i.e. how women rationalize), some of the rationalization that men use to call a chick a “ho” to completely avoid the fact that they are a “ho” (and even more so in cases) is hilarious at best. Yes, chick logic is insane, but ya’ll have an equivalent. Everyone say it with me now…dick logic.

First off, in the Jersey Shore example, how are any of the ladies considered hos and The Situation isn’t? Looking at the episode, it seemed as if these ladies actually knew each other. And yet, they were called all kinds of nasty for boning The Situation. Perhaps my calculations are all askew, but wouldn’t The Situation be the true nasty ho here? He decided to eff a couple a chicks he doesn’t know from Wednesday and yet they’re the nasty ones? It’s funny because “numbers” was once used against another castmember, Angelina, in the past and yet that is somehow forgotton just so the ladies get the ho moniker and everything is in balance with the common world. Dick logic.

Again — because I’m gonna have to repeat my acknowledgement of this for some folks who will probably go outta there way to “inform” me of this fact — I know that this is just the way things are. And it’s gonna be hard to change it. Kinda like the allowance of the Tea Party’s existence. It’s just there. Baddabing. Doesn’t mean I can’t question it and call out its nonsense.

What really makes me side-eye this phenomenon is women’s reluctance to dispute it and — even worse — their complete agreement with it. Using Jersey Shore again since it’s obviously my muse, when the boys called Angelina a ho up one side and down the other, one of the ladies J-Wow said something like, “Look, I know it’s a double standard, but you’re just giving these dudes a reason to talk about you.” o________O And?! They can talk all they want. They’re talking outta their proverbial asses. Look, I don’t even like Angelina, but there’s only so far I can take a double standard. Especially since it’s so blatant. I mean, these men were calling her a ho for bringing back multiple guys while they’re escorting their several conquests out the door?! Come on now.

The way I feel, a ho is a ho is a ho. Sure in men’s minds, it’s only gender-based, but tell that to Mr. STD or his cousin, Mr. STI. Yeah, I made them male, intentionally. *cackles* You think Syphillis Jenkins be like, “Wait, this host has a peen?! Oh right, men can’t be hos! Let me be about my way then” and just flat out skips over men? Yeah…no.

So, I know this one post (or even a million of them) can’t change folks’ minds, but I seriously think the majority of folks are being stingy with the word “ho.” Why only limit it to women? It’s such a fun word. I am equal opportunity with my ho-usage. A man can be one. A woman can be one. Hell, I call myself one sometimes and you know how that’s next to impossible when we consider the actual definition of the term. Inanimate objects? Ya’ll ain’t exempt, either! In fact, don’t even limit it to nouns. Verb, adjective, and gerund that mofo up!

I mean, if you limit usage of the word, how else can you construct fabulous sentences such as, “This ho must be out his mind if he think I’m going to take this ho-arse twenty dollars and be out this ho like I’m some kinda ho.”

Pinchers, the ho flo’ is yours. What do you feel about the usage of the word “ho?” Do you think it’s unfairly limited? Why or why not?

Ohhhhh, youza hoooooo.

 

Love ya like months shole love to speed by like they ain’t got 31 days (it’s November ALREADY?!),

Cheekie

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of … WTF?!

I love me some mindless entertainment. Said mindless entertainment usually comes in the form of stupid reality shows. I may be losing brain cells with each viewing of these shows, but at least I’m self-aware so don’t worry about me.

One stupid reality show I’ve been watching since its inception? The Hills. Shooooot, I even watched Laguna Beach. #dontjudgeme (Actually, go ahead, I deserve it.)

Anyhow, tonight was the season premiere of the, um…

Wait. *runs to Google*

Ok, I’m back. Tonight was the season premiere of the sixth (and last) season of The Hills. Lots of scripted stuff happened. And alls I’m gonna talk about is this creature:

Even Madame Tussaud is like, “Waynch, you look fake”.

Um, yeah. Hi…Heidi*?

Look, I get it. In the land of Hollyweird, everybody and their grandma (who don’t wanna be called that because she tryin’ to be cougar, shugah) wants to look perfect. A “dimepiece”, if you will. I have nothing against plastic surgery. Do what you do. But, like anything, someone has to take it to an extreme. Like Cat Lady. Heidi is already way ahead of schedule to become her. Maybe she’ll be Chinchilla Lady?

Anywho, the eagerness to be perfect in Hollywood was Heidi’s defense for getting 50-lem plastic surgeries in such a short span of time. And, sure, it’s a valid defense.

But, Heidi? Look at me. Read my typestrokes. EVEN HOLLYWOOD FOLKS ARE WONDERING WHAT THE FRICK AND FRACK YOU ARE SMOKING.

Yes, I just busted out the ‘Caps Lock’ key on her misguided hot mess self. Like her mother said, she should’ve spent that money and time to get an inside job. She should’ve went to therapy, because even though Heidi is on Silicone Cloud 9 right now and lovin’ her newness, that ish will fade and her insecurities will emerge once again.

Heidi was having none of that, though. Her mother’s sage advice resulted in Heidi reacting like this:

Cry me a river of Botox.

I’m sorry in advance, but:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who cries like that?! I thought Oprah had the reigns on the ugly cry, but this? Is in the motherlovin’ running for top crown. It’s like the Oprah Ugly Cry of the iPhone generation. This ain’t even just an ugly cry, it’s an unfortunate ugly cry. You can just feel her face straining to register emotion. Hot steaming mess.

And she aspires to look like Barbie? Yeah, if Barbie wasn’t an inanimate object and had enough time with her 6,731,962 different careers to even acknowledge Heidi, she would be giving her major side-eye right now. And I would second that emotion. #seewhatididthere

Love ya like Tom Cruise loves shoe-lifts,

Cheekie

*Am I the only one who thinks — when the name “Heidi” is mentioned — of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air episode when Will sung “Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Ho…Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Hey…Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Fleiss” on top of a mountain so he could hear his echo? Especially after the most recent season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew/Sober House featuring Heidi Fleiss. Yes, duh, of course I watch those shows as well. Refer back to the first sentence of this post, please and merci beaucoup.