Friday Foolery: Reading Rrrrrrrrrainbow

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you. Without some foolery to fall out to.

Blah blah blah screenwriting taking up my whole life blah. Let’s get right to it, my lovely Pinchers!

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I love intelligent ignance. It’s better than plain intelligence and better than plain ignance. It’s this fusion of two things I love that brings me life.

Let’s get nostalgic. Ya’ll remember Reading Rainbow, right? Duh, of course you do. Anything else is scientifically impossible. Plus, Levar Burton (in his awesomeness) will never let you forget. It’s such a beloved show because it had kids flying twice as high, presumably higher than a butterfly in the sky.

And for those of us who believe children are our future, reading is fundamental, especially for the kiddies. And we try to get them to read so they’re not… ignant.

Wellll…

What if I told you that the VERY hot mess that personifies NOT reading was combined with reading? Think it cancels each other out? Hmmm…

Take a look, in a book… at my live commentary:

0:00 – YES, you read that right. It’s DMX infused with Reading Rainbow. Shenanigans SHALL ensue. 

0:02 – K, DMX lettin’ ya’ll know that this is that real shit, yo. Because reading IS real. A reading rainbow might not be (O_O I’m just playin’ kids, it IS real… then again you shouldn’t be reading this, get out grown folks bidness!), but reading?! That’s a real issue. Because the internet will SHOLE show you that… well, it’s a fundamental exercise that more people need to participate in. Oop!

0:06 – DMX doing his hype growl because he obviously excited about literacy.

0:09 – AWWWWW snap, you know it’s bout to be a party when DMX says, “COME ON!”… I already know this joint could legit be at the club. o_____O

0:11 – For some reason, I see “I can go twice as high” as something… different with this DMX ad-libs fusion. Different as in… I think of drugs. I have no clue why. -_-

0:13 – LMAO… “take a look… nigga!” See, this is where DMX tryna speak to the hood. You know how folks speak in the language of the community in order to get through to them? This what DMX is doing. I bet he got their attention… and yours too. 

0:17 – YOU THINK IT’S A GAME?! Tell ‘em, DMX! Because if you think Reading Rainbow is a game, then you will lose. At life. 

0:23 – “I can go anywhere… suck my…” HOL’ UP. Did he just tell ya’ll to suck his SAW-SEEGE? LMAO, I can go anywhere indeed. Is DMX’s peen in Google Maps? It’s prolly on 69 S Deez Nuts Blvd or somethin’.

0:29 – HERE WE GO AGAIN. Ish finna get extra hype now. 

0:34 – “I can be anything…. same ol’ shit, WHAT?!” ROFL, I feel like DMX is responding to the singer now. Like, oh we back at this part again? At the bridge? Just repeatin the same ol’ ish over and over, huh?

0:38 – There’s something SUPER hilarious with DMX sayin’ “my nigga” while this Ben Franklin mofo is onscreen right now. Wait… *looks at him pulling ship* that’s, like… Christopher “Smallpox” Columbus ain’t it? I need to read. 

0:44 – DMX, you better DRILL in their head that this ain’t a game by asking rhetorical questions regarding whether it’s a game!

0:48 – WHAT’CHALL REALLY WAAAAANT AH AH. You want to READ that’s what. That’s the only answer.

0:51 – RIDE OR DIE. We just gone pretend “Ride” is code for “Read.” This makes sense.

So, how ya’ll like this Reading Rainbow Remix? Don’t ya’ll got this huge urge to go READ something?! I mean, other than this blog post you just read? Let’s go outside and ride the Reading Rainbow, Pinchers!

ONE.

TWO.

MEET ME OUTSIDE.

Lawd. Have a great weekend, ya’ll. You were missed. Foolery was missed.

Love ya like Romney loves snatching his own wig for $50,000 a plate,

Tonja

Friday Foolery: Seussian Silliness

!!!!!!!!

My FAVORITE Dr. Seuss book of all time is Green Eggs & Ham.

Now, what does that have to do with the price of chai tea in Starbucks that’s checked in via Foursquare? And why am I talmbout that when there’s foolery to be had on this here Friday?

Wellllll…

Green Eggs and Ham just so happens to be my inspiration for today. And it all started from a random convo. Yes, random. I know, surprise of the century, knowing me.

And the random convo was with the ninja I love to hate, Panama Jackson. I know! Random and PJ?! WHAAAAAA? -_-

It was so dayum random, I forgot what even PROMPTED this, but PJ said something about “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.” So, I then wondered if that book would one day become one of the Seussian book-to-movies. And THEN, I expressed how much I want the next film to be my fave, Green Eggs and Ham.

This is where it gets good.

Well, being my typo-ridden self, I actually typed GREENS Eggs and Ham and backspaced real quick. Freudian slip, perhaps. And since I’m never one to let a typo go by without saying something silly about it (seriously, anyone who GChats with me can attest to this mess), I came up with an idea.

To make a hood Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham.

-_______________-

I even threw around some lines and said that I’d make the star character, Sam-I-am… Sam-L-Jackson-I-am. And have him offer the food to a white person who had never had it before.

Ya’ll, word of advice. Never give me any inch because I’ll be SURE to take a mile.

So, because I fancy myself a writer and I love me some Seuss, I figured I’d write the entire parody using the exact model of the book. So, without further ado, I bring to you…

DR. CHEEKS’ GREENS EGGS AND HAM

I am Sam L Jackson.

Jackson L Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not eff with
that Sam-I-am!

Do you like you some greens, eggs and ham?

I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them here or there?

I would not eat them here or there.
I would not eat them any damn where.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them in a trap house?
Would you eat them with a mouse?

I do not want to even enter a trap house,
And please get an exterminator for that mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I ain’t tasting them anywhere!
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them next to your bootleg Comcast box?
Would you eat them while twisting your locs?

Not with a cable box, not with… I don’t even HAVE locs!
Not in that trap house, or the infestation of a mouse.
I would not eat them here or there.
Trust me, I wouldn’t eat them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you? Could you? In a Maybach car?
Eat them, eat them!
Because I got… BARS!

I would not could not in an overly expensive car.

You may like them, you will see!
And if you eat them, you’ll be a G.

I would not, could not be a G,
I don’t have a Maybach car so let me be!

I do not like them with the cable box.
I do not like them with non-existent locs.
I do not like them in a trap house.
I do not like them with a rabies mouse.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

A train! A train!
Could you, would you c’mon ride a train?

Not in a train! Not to be a G!
No Maybach car, give me free!*

I would not, could not next to a bad cable box.
I would not, could not with white boy locs.
I will not eat them with that mouse.
I will not eat them in that dangerous house.
I will not eat them here nor there.
I won’t eat ‘em anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Aye!
In the dark?
After the streetlights go out, in the dark?
Would you, could you in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

Would you, could you with T-Pain?

Who? I would not, could not with T-Pain.
Not in the dark, not on a train.
Not in a car, I am not a G.
I’m not checking for them, Sam, you see?
Not in a trap house. Not with a cable box.
Not with a mouse, nor wearing any locs.
I will not eat them here or there.
I’m trying to tell you, not anywhere!

You don’t want my grandma’s greens eggs and ham?
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
Could you would you with a goat?
I would not, could not with a… where’d you get a goat?

Would you, could you wearing a chinchilla coat?

It’s summertime, I could not would not wear a chinchilla coat,
I will not, will not with this probably illegal goat.
I will not eat them with T-Pain, and not on a train.
Not in the dark, I’m too afraid, thus not a G.
Not in the stolen Maybach car, you let me be!
I do not like this cable box, nor would I look right in locs.
I’d get jumped on in the trap house, and I need a cat for that mouse.
I do not eat them here or there, I do not eat them ANYWHERE!

I do not like greens, eggs and ham.
I do not like them Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

You do not like them?
You need more people, I say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them please, since I quoted Jay.

Sam!
If you let me be,
I will try this hot mess
And you will see.

*he takes a bite of dem greens, eggs and ham and sees Jesus*

Aye!
I like me some greens, eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am.

And though it’s hot as hell, I’d eat ‘em wearing a chinchilla coat,
I’d eat them (but not share, ’cause this too damn good) with a goat,
And I will eat them with T-Pain (he ain’t gettin’ none either, this ain’t a game),
Eat them in the dark, and on a train.
And I’ll co-sign that Maybach car, because I’m a G.
These are — *smacks lips* — so, so good you see!
So, I’ll eat them with my new cable box,
I’ll eat them… um, with someone who has locs.
I’ll eat them and share (ain’t tryin’ to get jumped on) with the trap house
Even leave the crumbs for the mouse.
And I will eat them here and there,
YOLO! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

I do so love me some greens, eggs and ham.
Good lookin’ out, good lookin’ out,
Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

Fin.

Have a good weekend, Pinchers! Have fun… and get me some help while ya’ll at it. Grazie.

Love ya like Katie Holmes loves her new-found freedom,

Cheekie

*I guess he’s claiming reverse racism with this line. (._.)

Friday Foolery: Concrete Jungle Where… WTF?!

Ya’ll know that song “Count On Me” by Whitney Houston? (R.I.P.) Of course you do. It talked about sticking through thick and thin in a friendship that’ll never… what? End, ninjas.

I kinda feel that way when it comes to foolery. Folks that know me always tell me that no matter what, I come through with some type of foolery.

Couuuuuunnnnnt on meee through thiiiiiiick and thin, a foo-luh-reeee that’ll nevvvvver ennnnd!

Ahem.

Anyway, the dopeness known as Tunde told me just that on Twitter (follow him here!) not too long ago. Something not so smile-able was going on in our Twitter timelines (I seriously forgot what… YOLO) and Tunde lamented that he needed some foolery on his timeline at that very moment.

Here I come swooping in like a foolish Mighty Mouse with a link of something silly I had come across and Tunde was all, “I can always count on Cheekie for bringing the foolery.” Ya’ll, I beamed on a balance beam. Because these are the types of things that I want to tell my grandchildren. That I is kind, I is smart, I is foolishly important.

Cut to this week. Ya know, life be funny. Kinda like women be shoppin. Lo and behold*, Tunde became someone to count on for foolery.

It was a Wednesday morning and I was on my way to work via train. As usual, I decided to see what Twitter was up to and I saw Tunde tweet, “this is what i see most mornings as i walk from the train to my building. smh.”

Duh, OF COURSE I had to click that! That was a great sell! And so, I did. The following picture prompted me to completely collapse in mental hysterics, causing me to practically demand Tunde that I use this for Friday Foolery. Since he cool, he said, “cool.”

Look, tho:

– What in the five-Boroughs hell???!!!

– First off, I’m mad this dude is a regular. I’m soooo wondering what he be doing there BESIDE winning the contest for Hottest Mess on the Block.

– This joint is seriously like an internet puzzle game called… “Spot a Struggle.”

– Let’s start with that bike. Somewhere, some little girl can’t even ride to the Boys and Girls Club because this dude straight jacked her bike.

– Ya’ll see how he reppin’ Miss Liberty, tho?! YOO ESS AYE!

– Totally got those sandals at a beauty supply house.

– Lemme stop listing stuff for a moment to ask this. New Yorker Pinchers, please learn me something. IS this man an on-the-road novelty store? Because his entire essence is doing the most. Dude look like a struggle rummage sale.

– I see he got Red Bull. Valid. I’d need energy to wear this loud ass get-up too.

– So mad he obviously stole the free tote bag you get with an Elizabeth Arden purchase at Macy’s. Or something. *looks closer* Wait… is that a DIAPER bag?! Someone PLEASE think of the children!!!

– That watch. Every time he come around the city, BLING-BLING occurs.

– He is so serious in his fabulosity. Obviously. Because he even adorned his ride with plastic flowers.

– Is that tied-up belly shirt on some SATIN steez? That thing look a tad shiny.

Ya’ll, I can’t. This is why I love big cities. Things like this happen and you can’t do nothing but side-eye and go about your day because, well, it happens all the time. It be some characters chillin’ round town, I’m tellin’ ya!

Which, by the way, Pinchers… if ya’ll EVER see some hometown madness such as the above, feel free to send it my way. Put on for yo city. Contact me riiiiiiight…. —> here.

And with that, I’m done. Ya’ll can’t blame me! LOL

Have a fab and foolish weekend!

Love ya like NBA fans love alley-oops,

Cheekie

*I kinda wanna make a buddy sitcom called “Lo and Behold” with various attention-seeking shenanigans.

Friday Foolery: You Complete Me

“You complete me.”

A phrase that is forever cemented in pop culture because Tom Cruise stood in the doorway wearing lifts and poured his heart out to Renée Zellweger in “Jerry Maguire.”

I’ve said this to many folks before. Many folks have said it to me. Peanut butter has said it to jelly. Kool-Aid said it to sugar. Cassidy said it to irrelevancy.

Ya’ll get it.

Because of this phrase, the idea of “completing” someone is the ultimate love goal. It basically validated the soulmate label. It has been romanticized over and over via grand gestures, spoken words, television, movies, the internet… and of course, epic tales.

You may have read about the epic tale I featured here in the past. Well, friends and you ninjas I’ont like, I got another one. And it also comes from the legendary Facebook!

Interestingly enough, I came across this tale at the end of my work day so it — in a sense — completed my day. Ba dum tsssss. I’ll be here all night therestofthispost!

– Um.

– Ya know, this would be SOOOOOO sweet in a world where ovaries were LIFE-DEPENDENT organs that MEN had.

– I can’t wait ’til this becomes super viral because MAD women are gonna be posting passive-aggressive Facebook statuses, and tweeting passive-aggressive tweets and yelling STRAIGHT-aggressive things to their men talmbout, “YEW’ONT NEVA PROVE YO LUV TUH ME! YEW SENT SUH-PRIZE FLOWUHS TUH MAH JOB?! BASIC BISH! YEW AIN’T DONATE YO OVARIEZ, THO!! AIN’T SHIT NINJA!!!” Basically, this story will be the new “John Q.” You’re welcome, fellas.

– I do love how the epic tale suggests that we repost it if we would do anything for our bf OR gf. With a double-headed heart emoticon. But, back to the point. It’s equal opportunity! Which means a gf could prove HER love by donating HER ovariez to her bf when he gets ovarian cancer. Which is bawse, because then later, he can get preggers and have ALL OF THE SPAWN. WIN WIN. Don’t ya’ll love love???

– Hmm. Ya know… I wonder how that education reform is doing.

Have a great weekend, Pinchers! And make sure you prove your love to your boo by donating something worthwhile like your ovariez. YOLO!

Love ya like Erykah Badu loves to do weird nude videos then be pissed off about the final cut,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Da Bess Mayne (Redux)

I love when folks hit me up for the SOLE purpose of sending me foolery. No need to waste time with pleasantries or all’at ish normal people have to deal with. Cut to the foolish chase!

That’s exactly what the homie, Star did. She hit me up on GChat with a link RIGHT off the bat and told me she knew I’d love this video because it did THEE most. She get me.

Now, before I get to the video, I wanna do a prologue, so to speak. The prologue, is actually the YouTube description, but it’s too good NOT to feature on its own. Alas…

“shiiiiiiii, 3rd track off my album. gonna be a hidden track, you gotta listen to the second track all the way through to get to dis one. took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY I JUS SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.

DIS ONE CALLED IMDABES

shout out to Eli”

Huh. Firstly, I love how ol’ dude is like, “EXCLUSIVE ‘SCLUSIVE, THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET THE 3RD JOINT IS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS ONE ALLLLLAWAY THROUGH, IT’S A SECRET EGG!” As if YouTube doesn’t give users the ability to — I don’t know — fast-forward/rewind to a certain point in the video. I gotta respect the fact that he gave us the behind-the-scenes of how this video came to be, tho. Everyone loves a good DVD commentary, so mad props for that, mister. AND, as you can see, he just gave a shout-out to Eli. YES, that Eli. The Eli who has provided the most epic Friday Foolery material to ever be Friday Foolery’d. o_O

How do I know he’s paying homage to THEE Eli Porter? Le duh! The joint is called, “IMDABES.” Sure, he switched it up a bit by subtracting the “mayne”, deleting an extra ‘s’, and making it one word, but we all know who is the OG of being da bess.

Speaking of cutting to the chase, lemme drink my “digress” flavored tea and get to the gettin’:

DABESLIVECOMMENTARY:

*Quick Yet Important Note*: If you are watching this on the YouTube website instead of the embedded video above, please click the Closed Captioning (CC) button for the FULL experience. Basically, you should see subtitles while viewing. You’re welcome.

0:05 – Ya’ll see that animated video ho? What is this, some “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” or “Cool World” (mad points if you know ’bout this here) type ish? Move over Paula Abdul! This guy is DABES at live-action animated fusions! Speaking of… is that his name? IMDABES? *looks at YouTube name* Well, that says “gmcfosho”, so I may go with that. Though, the former IS more fun. Moving on…

0:07 – This is totally giving me bootleg “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” vibes.

0:23 – Oh, he doin’ the “swagswagswagswag” ad libs?! I’m in love already…

0:29 – Whoa now! Who dat? Is this ninja Liu Kang bicycle-kicking across the screen, tho?!! In a chill manner? This mofo like “woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop”, Liu Kang-ing in slow motion.

0:41 – Those hands popping out from behind the car! LOL Ok, I can already tell this gonna be one of those super fun videos where if you blink, you miss something.

0:47 – I agree. Standin on a car with a “fenga” in the air is the most accurate manner in which to provide scientific evidence that one is, indeed… DABES.

0:54 – Are “Streetfighter Turnamints” little minty candies sold at novelty stores? One of the flavors could be Raspberry Ryu or somethin’.

0:57 – FREEZE. So, I had to pause here because my ears were telling me one thing (one million dollars) but my eyes were saying another, (ALL OF THE ZEROS). So, I stopped and counted. It’s 11 zeros up in that 1 million. Aiight.

1:06 – Homie said he got the “hyest” score in the world on his SAT (which is allegedly 1600, right?), but then said he went to “Evrest.” Wow. Way to stay humble, ninja.

1:13 – LMAO. Dude was like, lemme stop playin’, a billion sounds nice but I’m just gone make up this bigger number because I’m the what? BEST.

1:19 – Power Rangers shout-out!! *Black Ranger Body Roll* Though, I do wonder what TV station he was watchin’ “Powa Rainjas” on. Oooh, Kenan & Kel! *nostalgia-gasm*

1:32 – SERIOUSLY wondering what his sudden dire need for a lightsaber is, tho.

1:37 – It seems to be just for swag purposes, but ya never know, a buffalo may pop outta nowhere or something. Hell, Drake did it when he was taking care of you.

1:41 – YESSSSSS, pyro!

1:45 – Ruh roh… those opening doors. This some Hitchcockian suspense right’chere.

1:54 – I… can’t… add anything to this.

2:00 – Yo, is that Weird Al Yankovic over there on the right???

2:01 – Ya’ll, his car move when he ain’t driving it. Either he in a automatic car wash with his joint on “neutral” or he’s the Black Chuck Norris. You decide.

2:07 – AW SNAP! The Liu Kang ninja back, but he on fire!! Too much pyro! THIS is the time to use the lightsaber. Not sure how it’ll put out a fire, but everything that has managed to happen so far leads me to believe anything is possible.

2:12 – “Teabaggin ya’ll. Liptons. On da rocs.” Lawd, Jay-Z WISH he came up with that, I bet. Missed opportunities.

2:19 – Hol’ up. So, when the baby wasn’t his, he threw ol’ girl on a MINE?! Um, where is this Maury episode? Eff seeing dudes doing various hot dances in celebration, that’s old news. Is there a Director’s Cut Maury DVD or something? Ya’ll gotta let me know this stuff.

2:23 – Lawd, this dude just Oliver Twist’d that po’ chile and he still talmbout how he the best. Prolly BECAUSE of it. Just evil.

2:25 – Chekm8, tho. *flings self off chair* … *gets up* I’m mad he felt the need to say he was playing chess (minus one ‘s’… this dude is double-s racist, obviously). Dude. You got the best SAT score in the world, but you ain’t gotta be condescending. Give us lowly “non-best” SAT scorers some credit here. Hmph.

2:31 – Wait. Wayment. Way-thehell-ment. Again with my ears and eyes having beef. I HEARD “arthritis.” YA’LL heard, “arthritis.” But, WHAT do my eyes present to me?? Motherlovin’, “ARASEDDFASDFIS.” I Shan’t! Ok, I keep joking that my squinty eyes give me limited vision, but I totally believe it now. Because this can’t be true life.

2:42 – o__________O

2:54 – See! I ain’t eeeem notice the moment where he got that random bottle of wine. SWAG on, sir!

2:59 – Oh, he must be pouring it out for that flaming Liu Kang ninja that he REFUSED to attempt to save. R.I.P. Flaming Kang.

3:04 – This fight going on in the foreground, tho. SMH

3:14 – *actually puts fengas in the sky since I’m aware of my “besssss” status*

3:20 – Wayment. How you gone uplift us then shoot us down by telling us to acknowledge that YOU the best, now? :-/

3:21 – Aw, hell now the animated video ho is on fire, too. This “Catching Fire” arse video.

3:28 – He said it!! He said, “I deed it.” HOMAGE, paid in full, bishessssss.

3:34 – He put on that crown to make it official.

3:38 – Shout-out to that sun with the shades up there with that bawse bass in its voice, too.

3:45 – *final and epic finger in the air*

And apparently (from looking at the “related videos” screenshots) this dude has LOADS of other videos doing all kinds of random mess. I see who gonna be making frequent appearances here. *whistles*

Pinchers, do you think he da bessssssss? Are YOU da bessssss? Am I da besssssss? Also, fill free to shout-out any little moments I didn’t mention above. I need a reason to watch this over and over in search for something new. It’s one of those.

Have a foolishly patriotic Memorial Day weekend!

Love ya like Eddie Murphy apparently loves to randomly smang Rocsi,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: I’m Just Saying… Do Better

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you… without some foolery to laugh ’til you lose your breath to.

(-_-)

Because of my slight absence from the Friday Foolery series, I figured I had to return with a bang. And ain’t it quite apropos that Mr. “Cole You Stoopid” himself, Panama Jackson provided the ammo.

So, one day I was chatting with him and we were dispensing our pleasantries — the “hi’s”, the “how are you’s” — when he hit me with the hee:

“YOU.ARE.WELCOME. http://www.reverbnation.com/shugaree”

Yeah, despite your presumptuous statement, Panda… I do gotta say: Thank you. Muchly. Jerk.

So, without ANY further ado, Pinchers… I present to you, Shugaree.

BETTER Live Commentary:

0:05 – Just 5 seconds in and I HAVE to note the Alanis-level IRONY of the title. I’mma just let that marinate.

0:11 – (._. ) … ( ._.) … (._.) So, um… well, at least we can see the lyrics. So, um… we can, um… sing along! But, let’s take a moment to assess this opening line, “We have got to better with the things we got to do…” Oh, aiight. Deep.

0:12 – TELL me this ain’t a Powerpoint Presentation from Windows ’98.

0:23 – So, lemme pause and let ya’ll know that this song apparently exists to assist efforts with the Gulf Oil Spill clean-up, which is great, but um muh ruh… where is the charity for this song, tho?!

0:31 – Ya’ll hear her stumbling on “responsibility?!” It’s like in the middle of the word she almost decided to change it to another word because she was on Thesaurus (dot) com, but then she’s like “YOLO”* and kept it movin’…

0:38 – The “GET TOGETHER” was capitalized, but she shole said it as monotonous and “eh” as she’s singing the rest of the song, so…

0:39 – Also, — and I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this before — THIS MUSIC. It’s totally on some incompatibility mess. It don’t even GO wif with this song, ya’ll! The music and this song mixes like oil and water. Wait… not THAT kind of oil. WELP. Totally just ran into that bad pun… *whistles*

0:44 – I swear she singing these lyrics like a 3rd grader who has to read a book in front of the class and happens to come across a few words (s)he doesn’t know.

1:08 – Ok, I figured it out. She recording this on the toilet after eating Taco Bell, ain’t she?

1:14 – Her “come on now” adlib didn’t even sound like an adlib because, once again, it sounded JUST like every other bit of the song! AND I have no desire to come on now… or later. Hype fail.

1:31 – Ya know, saying we gotta do better for the things we gotta do is some PRESSURE like a mug. Think about it… you’ve already been assigned something you GOTTA do now this mofo tryna tell you to do it better? Lawd.

1:37 – O_O Chile, NO. NO. NO. NO. THE OPPOSITE OF YES.

1:57 – Ok, I BUST out laughing at the “QUIT BLAMING THE PRESIDENT MAKE IT SAFE” sign. You TELL ‘em Bulah and Thelma!

1:58 – 2:02 – Um, they ain’t provide lyrics for this part. And this part needed lyrics more than ANY of the other parts because I can only conclude that she was singing in tongues. But, yeah… what’s done is done.

2:20 – Seriously. Did she get this music from the cell phone holding music catalogue? I SWEAR I heard this one time while I was waiting for my outsourced customer service rep.

2:28 – She tryna do that “sexy and passionate” thing with her voice they did in the 90s. Yeah… no.

2:57 – That awkward moment when the singer’s voice is sadder than the images that are being displayed…

3:07 – Did they just put up a framed picture from the Liquidator’s sale of a furniture store, tho?????

3:15 – Is that her man?

3:50 – She. Cons-ti-pa-ted.

3:59 – So, they just said, “eff the lyrics”, at this point, huh? I guess this the freestyle part of the song…

4:07 – BULAH AND THELMA AGAIN! HAY, MAMAS! Wait… *leans toward computer screen* Those ARE both women, right? (kinda skeptical about the one on the left) *squints some more* Yeah, I think so… okay. LADIES, YOU BETTA WERK!

4:17 – At first glance… totally thought that was cocaine. But, um… what is it?

4:68 – LOL, with that “hey heyyy HAYheyyyy” riff she just did, she totally sounded like three different people. Maybe she wants to be a girl group now.

4:42 – Awww!!! Cheeks luh da kids.

4:47 – “Unlike the recent natural disasters, the Gulf Oil Spill was manmade. That still doesn’t stop the fact that it will affect us.” Girl, WHAT?! What type of argument is that??? LMAO. Um, who even questioned that a manmade disaster would affect us? If anything, they’re likely to affect us in a MORE deadly way in some instances. Why was this included? What… was the point… there?

4:53 – “Directly or indirectly.” Aw, snap! That was deep, yo. She dropped that, what? KNOWLEDGE. She learned ya’ll somethin’ right there.

4:53 – “Sooner or later.” … Ok, how many addenda (ya’ll see that Latin plural swag I had to look up on Google?) gon’ pop up now? Lawd.

4:59 – It’s TIME for this song to end… in fact, it’s lonnnnnnnng overdue.

5:08 – Are ya’ll wondering how much was donated? Because I SHOLE am. Pure curiosity. *sips tea*

Well… dayum.

Pinchers, what ya’ll think of this charitable effort? You want her to perform at schools and events in your community, dont’cha? Mmmhmm.

Happy Friday!

Love ya like President Obama (publicly) loves equal marriage rights,

Cheekie

*I’m totally and fully aware that the YOLO acronym wasn’t around at this time, but the saying itself shole was so… YOLO.

Friday Foolery: Never Forget

I don’t have the best memory.

One may even call me “senile.” I seem to forget the most important ish like someone’s birfday or to note something epic that may serve one of my writing projects.* My sister always says “You’re too young to be that damn forgetful.” Welp! Ok, I’m forgetful.

And yet I can totally remember the entire script, word-for-word, intonation included to “The Lion King”, which debuted about 18 years ago. (O_O)

Huh.

Like that example, there are just some things you can never forget. Even when it’s gone from your direct vision. Case in point, I saw the following tweet from Mr. Dimples w/ a hot NY accent himself, Streetz a loooonnnnng while back:

RT @streetztalk YO RT @wayno119: Wow RT @SirSKRIBE: @Wayno119 THIS is even funnier, he has a RIP shirt on and is ON an RIP shirt http://twitpic.com/8ag9cw

What they trippin’ about? Wellll…

– What in the undertaker matrix HELL?!

– Lemme get this 180 degrees straight. Ya’ll mean to tell ME. … That not nann person in this gentleman’s family and/or friend circle, could find another picture of him in which he was NOT wearing a “R.I.P.” for somebody else???

– For serious. That shirt is like the song that never ends. Or the gifts in cartoons that the cartoon open only to find another box, then another, and so on. LET me find out the dude IN the tshirt was also wearing a “R.I.P.” shirt for HIS homie, too. I’m so curious as to what’s underneath his folded arms right now.

– And dude on the phone in that pic, too. I wonder if he was calling to make reservations in heaven.

– Now that I think about it, I have a feeling that his peoples chose this pic because he was wearing his best pants. Look at him lookin’ SHAHP on his honoree tshirt.

– OR! Or he could’ve specifically requested that this be his tshirt pic because he knew dayum well it would be legendary. Way to be epic, homie!

– He look like Paul Wall.

Yeah, Big Jerry, you will most certainly not be forgotten, ever. Because I can’t say I’ve ever seen someone ON a R.I.P. shirt WEARING a R.I.P. shirt. In fact, the person who uploaded the pic said it best in the pic’s caption:

“Im pretty sure this should cause a space time continum rip. he has a RIP shirt on and is ON an RIP shirt “

Basically.

Pinchers, what say you? You ever seen something like this before? Would YOU request something like this so you’d be gone but not forgotten? Let me know.

Happy Easter! How you like yo eggs? Fried or fertilized?

Love ya like the Cadbury Bunny loves clucking,

Cheekie

*Somehow, I manage to forget this in SUCH a short time span, too. Like, I’d actually take OUT my phone to write what I NEED to remember, get distracted by some dumb ish, then go back to my phone like, “Wait… what was I ‘sposed to put in here again?” SMDH @ my life.

Friday Foolery: A WiFi WTF

Lemme tell ya’ll a little secret. Come closer. Riiiiiight there. Ok, stop. This is getting creepy.

Even before starting this Friday Foolery series, I had quite a few ideas on what to feature. Ideas that I STILL haven’t gotten to yet. I figured this series could and would go on and on because foolery is as sure as death and taxes. Foolery material will always be there and more and more will keep coming. I was never worried about that. And as time went on, ya’ll — my lovely Pinchers — would keep tweeting, emailing, sending carrier pigeons of foolery so that I could add my commentary to it. Thanks for that by the way. And thank you for being a friend.

Every now and then, I happen to come across a situation in the middle of the week after I had already decided on that week’s Friday Foolery. And well… it’s SO epically foolish that it totally trumps the one I had in mind.

Pretty sure you get where I’m going at this point. Yup, that particular situation applies here.

I was on Twitter when I saw this, from St. Lunatic (or on Twitter, @280PROOF… at least for NOW. That ninja stay changing his name. Talk about “change we can believe in”… sheesh.):

“Remember the commercial where the guy brought his desktop to the coffee shop? Yea. That’s happening. Right here. Right now.”

Of course that piqued my interest because well, when does that EVER happen in real life? And if it does, why can’t it happen to me! I was jealous! But, the skeptic in me (the one who needs for you to have more people) raised an eyebrow as I read a few more of his tweets:

“I can’t believe this. He’s unwrapping his keyboard now. #niggashit“
“He is gonna be PISSED when he finds out they’re closing in an hour for renovations”
“The worst part? It’s an iMac. Them joints AT LEAST $1500, right?”
“I’m gonna find a way to surreptitiously twitpic.”
“he just asked me how to connect to the internet. On the new-model iMac he just unpacked inside this store. This isn’t happening.”
“St. Louis. St. Louis. Never a shortage of stories.”
“This is a whole nother level of foolishness. @whoisyoungblood cant even top this shit.”
“They shoulda neva gave you ninjas Apple products.”
“I just walked over and showed him how to turn on his wifi. I can’t believe this. This can’t be happening.”
“he and his sister are now watching WSHH videos. I’m in Clayton (rich suburb). I can’t.”
“but we not even remotely in an appropriate location RT @NicknotNikki @me .like he came in Starbucks specifically to floss his hoodrichness..”
“like I would expect this shit at the mall Starbucks. I’m in a small neighborhood Starbucks, in an affluent area. Where they come from???”

And I read the play-by-play with amusement as I eagerly awaited the picture tweet. Then…

“X___X http://t.co/8TZvZUv“

Yeah… this:

 

 – What in the iHell?!
 – Now, come on. Ya’ll. My peoples my peoples. My fellow Appleheads. Steve Jobs (may he rest in peace) did NOT present his cherished treasures to the world wearing his best mockneck and jean set so that ya’ll ninjas could bring an ENTIRE desktop into Starbucks like it’s portable or some ish.

St. Lunatic immediately @’d me on Le Twitter and proclaimed it Friday Foolery. I can’t even be mad, because it’s true. It is Friday Foolery as those who have been reading this post can plainly see. He wrapped it up with this:

“WSHH video paused. . . brows furrowed. . never has sharing an outlet @ starbucks been so risky”

Word. Annnnd that sums it up. This is Cheekola reporting. Have a good evening. Stay classy, San Diego.

Pinchers, what do you make of this hot sizzling mess? Getcho cousins.

Love ya like beans love cornbread,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Yes Yes Ya’ll And Ya Don’t Stop

“I Used To Love H.E.R.” One of my favorite songs by my boo, Common. It brilliantly illustrates his love of hip-hop by using the metaphor of a dope chick. This song is hip-hop and hip-hop is this song.

So, it comes to absolutely no surprise that this song automatically popped into my head when my lowkey hair crush homie Pincher, fuzzytele* tweeted me the following video, which claims to also be hip-hop:

This Is Live Commentary:

0:04 – LOL, oh lawd…

0:05 – WHAT. ARE. THEY. DOING.

0:07 – Ya’ll see the intensity in Justin Bieber’s auntie eyes, tho???

0:10 – Oh, she got a name. Hey, Deena. Or Dina. Or D33na. Whatever. Can I ask you somethin’? Why you got on a goalie shirt? I half expect a commentator to be like, “GOLLLLLLLLLLL”** later on in the video.

0:12 – Wow, she just gettin’ right to it! Talmbout look at her feet. *looks*

0:18 – Let’s talk about how her accent sounds country and Idaho-ish*** at the same time. But, back to her feet. She over there explaining why you DON’T want your feet straight ahead. She wants you to turn ‘em out like Charlie Brown an’nem.

0:20 – Look at her shoulders go! That’s how you make it look like hip-hop. Wait… that’s how hip-hop LOOKS?! The entire essence of hip-hop?! The very idea of it?! Wow, mystery of the universe… solved.

0:24 – “The thing with hip-hop is that everything’s down low.” Um… pause. She done called out every bit of the hip-hop culture. Dry snitch!!!

0:31 – Why did she randomly appear with that jacket she got from Walgreens, tho?

0:34 – Awww, she tellin’ us her childhood stories so that we can be sympathetic to her. Protagonist swag.

0:37 – She just THREW that jacket to the ground. I have a feeling that is a symbol of rebellion, because well…

0:38 – “… ya know what, I won’t stand up straight.” AWWWWWW snap crackle AND pop! You better ROLL your neck, figuratively, Deena/Dina!

0:44 – I seriously guffawed here. She was like, “Hit. AH. Hit. UH.” I guess that’s her version of the “boom kack.” And those shoulders won’t QUIT!

0:47 – “The more relaxed you are, that’s what makes it hip hop.” Now, I gotta agree with her here. What makes rhythm so fluid is that it’s effortless. But, for some reason, her moves don’t scream “relaxed” to me. Despite her “relaxed” arms, she still look like she tryin too hard. LOL

0:53 – WTF was that?! Ya’ll saw that thrown-in random clip, right? And then she just went back to teaching? Did I imagine this? She was like, “And this the first thing I’m gonna say to ya’ll, if you wanna do hip-hop, you gotta stand like this.” *cheesy urban pose* Oh, aiight…

0:57 – THAT’S the hip-hop head, huh. So, for all ya’ll new new ninjas that say you’re a hip-hop head, you BEST pay homage to Deena/Dina.

0:58 – The hip-hop head going up and down, tho…

1:01 – Awwww snap, she just did the “you got served” hands… WITH the “ahhhhhh” exhalation. STEP. to her.

1:06 – Now leanback. LEANback. LEANback. LEANback.

1:07 – 1:12 – dljfldfjdfidrufweodjmdslfjdlsfjsdofjsdlkfdljlksd

1:18 – Ya’ll got that? Ah. Straight. AH. Straight. No homo.

1:26 – Here we go with another “one time at band camp” story… wayment. OMG, NO BAGGY PANTS AND NO SNEAKERS?! That’s not hip-hop, is it??? Lawd, DeenaDina, PLEASE tell us you told them bout themselves!

1:29 – “…and, and, I just didn’t know what to think about that.” *quick cut back to teaching.* … ( -_-)

1:30 – “I took these from an African piece.” Oh, herewego…

1:36 – Sooooooo lemme get this 180 degrees straight. In Africa, the move is done with closed-fists, but in hip-hop (which is a continent now #also #aswell, I guess…) it’s done with your fingers spread out? Gotcha.

1:37 – Yes, a BIG difference.

1:38 – 1:44 – Hmmm… k.

1:50 – Ok, seriously who edited this?! LMAO But, I love how she had to let ya’ll know that this (this, being hip-hop I’m sure) is her. This who she is. Ain’t no 3 dolla bills here!

1:54 – Did this lady just say she’s into “points” a lot?

1:58 – *points with various pops and locks* THE DEF JAM.

2:08 – Ya’ll she spoke that WORD just now. She said hip-hop is in here (ya’ll heart), so it can NEVER go out. It can never go what? OUT. Shouldaboughtahonda.

2:12 – WOW, oh DeenaDina, Duchess of Rappity Rap****, please teach me that intricate and magical dance step you just did.

2:18: If she interrupt with some “pearl of wisdom” (more like gold-plated chain of ignance) ONE MO’ ‘GAIN…

2:21 – LMAO, how she gon’ say, “I’mma tell ya another thing that makes hip-hop, hip-hop”, then cut to those frantic dancers, the very opposite of what hip-hop will ever be?

2:40 – o_O Yeah, guess who else lookin’ at you like you crazy…

2:43 – OF COURSE she did the B-boy pose! Because that is… um, what’s it called again? I forgot because she didn’t mention it enough in the video.

2:47 – Peace. She out!

No no, ya’ll… PLEASE stop.

Pinchers, what you think of Deena/Dina’s tutorial on all hip-hop airthang? Would you take one of her classes? Because who I’m talmbout ya’ll is hip-hop.

Love ya like President Obama loves sign language,

Cheekie

*And SHE said she got the video from her father. YESSSS! Parents passing down foolery to their children is what our forefathers fought for. Or something. #teamPapafuzzytele
**My favorite part of soccer, aside from actually playing/watching the game.
***Idahoshit.
****Alise’s loving term for “rap.” Stolen. *Jadakiss laugh*

Friday Foolery: (Two) Colors Of The Wind

So, I got two gifts from Alise and Bee.

… and it’s not even my birfday. No Rihanna. Hi Rihanna.

And due to the ancient mathematical equation, “sharing = caring”, I figured I’d share with ya’ll. And this gift is allegedly a “love song message you can dance to.” EVERYbody loves that!

The gift? Sean Fury. Any and everyone needs him in their lives. You’re welcome and I’m sorry.

Without further ado…

Jungle Feverish Live Commentary:

0:05 – “The Legend of Sean Fury”, doe? Here we go…

0:09 – Fury, you better WEAR your finest maroon linen suit for this performance!

0:11 – O_O Oh, he got right into it, didn’t he??

0:14 – Yo, look at the dudes wearing the orange tees in the back. Especially ol’ boy on the right. You see his neck twerking? Straight pop n’ lockin’ from the neck up. He is feelin’ it!!

0:23 – Oh lawd!!! *tears forming* He is already doing the most and this is just the lead-up…

0:28 – Ya know, out of ALL the first lines of songs I’ve heard, I never would’ve guessed “She’s bi-racial…” to exist as one. I don’t know why, but I wouldn’t.

0:39 – So, Sean Fury kinda looks like Clifton Powell’s and Bruh-Man’s hypothetical love child.

0:44 – He wasn’t kidding when he said you could dance to it. He’s like Chris Brown, actively twerking to a slow song, except, ya know… uncle-age.

1:08 – This dude STRAIGHT up made a “tragic mulatto” song. *falls out* “She has to choose one side.” ?????????? Mariah Carey circa 1990s, are you listening to this mess?!!

1:18 – That high note, doe. And by “high”, I mean that was his state of being when he thought he could hit said note.

1:26 – There are MORE than two people being subjected to this?! Hell, I thought 2 was too much. ZERO is too much. And I’m mad he up in somebody’s non-profit art museum performing this.

1:45 – Hol’ up. Did he say, “She’s not an average girl, she’s like a diamond pearl.” Hmmmm???? Please confirm… actually scratch that, please prove me wrong since I know I sorta have bad ears. PLEASE correct me.

1:48 – He winked. At me. Actually… no, at YOU. *runs away*

1:52 – NOT the “R&B group 180 degree arc finger point!!” A term, of which, I totally made up just now out of pure ignorance of the official term, if there is one.

2:21 – Dude totally drew something in the air just now. Like, he straight up played a quick game of “Pictionary” whilst performing this song.

2:26 – LMFAO!!!!! Did he just go over to that dude (who was neck-jammin’ in his seat earlier) and flirt wif him? And got totally rejected on some, “o_O, why you over here?” ish? Lemme stop being dramatic. He prolly just went over there and said, “Watch this…” leading to…

2:27 – … whateverthehellthatdancebreakwas.

2:45 – Ya’ll saw that chick in the background smiling like, “He talmbout me and my good hurr”, right? Ok.

2:49 – LOL, she straight up gave her girl (next to her) dap because she KNOW he sanging to her.

3:00 – Wayment. These background vocals. I straight up thought it was bad dubbing or something. LOL

***I paused the video JUST to say the lady in black & white (I SEE what she did there with that choice of outfit!! o_O) looks like Liza Minnelli. Ok, resume…***

3:16 – Hol’ up! Ya’ll saw his mouth moving as if he was singing some epic note? I ain’t hear NONE of that. Just this random background track that came in. WHAT is going on? Ya know what… I shoulda asked that question lonnnnnng ago.

3:22 – Dude in the back snappin’ his fangers with his neck rolls now.

3:26 – No, he didn’t BOW like he the Karate Kid or some ish. And dude in the back mimicked him. Ok, I’m calling it. That’s Sean Fury’s protege. He prolly gonna call himself, Shawn Rage.

Lawd.

But, that’s not all! Click here. Watch. Discuss. Once again, you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

Have a great weekend!

Love ya like polar bears love Coca Cola,

Cheekie