Friday Foolery: Zero Phalanges

So, I was sitting at my work computer eagerly typing away at my TPS reports…

… Wayment, *record scratch*. Yes, I gotta record scratch my own shat because I am so full of it. Know how I’m full of it? Because my job doesn’t EEEM entail nan T, P, nor S reports.

So. I was eagerly typing in my GChat box at work when L Boogie hit me up with “how have I not seen this?” followed by a YouTube link. I immediately had to echo the question because we’re the same person I seriously couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it, either.

The video in question? Is brought to you by Mr. Phill Wade (a brotha I have quite the foolery-induced affinity for as I’ve mentioned in the past):

I Say Look Ma, No FCC-Delayed Commentary:

0:15 – Ok, right off the BAT, (the baseball one that goes with peanut butter and jelly) I’m in love. This nicca is singing “The Lion King” opening sequence goon call. YASSSS.

0:24 – Seriously, that is totally some ish I’d do. Sit at the computer and bust out singing “NAHHHHHZEWAYNYAAAAAADEBADEEZSAYDABAHYAH.” Why? Because it’s an extra dope part in the movie, that’s why. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to enter rooms while someone yells that in the background.

0:35 – LOL @ him doing the background ad-libs, too. I do wonder what he mumbled at this point, doe! (Pinchers, help me and my AARP ear out. Per favore and grazie.)

0:44 – That DANCE! AHAHAHA.

0:53 – Did this mofo just do some Alvin Ailey type dance moves?! No sense. NO sense, I tell you.

1:02 – Ok, I guffawed at him accidentally slapping the chair when he danced. Mostly because I always seem to do something like that when I’m really getting into my foolish-dancing mojo. He hurt himself, too! Yeah, typical me. I’m a foolery thug.

1:19 – And of COURSE, in pure brilliance, Phill uses this opportunity to create a song. LOL

1:35 – I love how his finger is shaking and whatnot. It’s funny because it’s TRUE. That is real life, yo.

1:38 – Is that Dave Chappelle voice?! Tyrone Biggums. AHAHAHA.

2:04 – WAIT. He is SERIOUSLY singing a gospel version of “No Hands” WHILST pretending to be a crackhead. I not only quit Phill, I fire him. Prepare to get a pink slip, fool. OMG, I hate that I love him.

2:10 – HE JUST GOT UP AND DID THE “I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT” DANCE!!! And I’m done for…

2:17 – His resting stance, doe!

2:30 – “I’mma sip moscata (yes it sound like he said moscata), you gone lose yo pants… wait!” LMFAO. I cannot with him.

2:37 – Best “no hands” dance EVAH. On the real. He is gettin’ it, too!

2:46 – *hollers*

2:56 – And of course his homies laughing in the background always gets me. I’mma NEED for these dudes to be my friends. It can’t be boring around these fools. Ever.

3:08 – Did this kneegrow just say “communion!” after he poured some dayum Vitamin Water into the lid?!!!! *falls clean the eff out*

3:26 – He blessed dude like a G! AHAHAHAHA. He pulled off dude’s hat THEN slapped the ish outta his bald head. And called it a blessing. LORDT.

3:40 – Yeah, I want them as my friends for Christmas. It’s settled, Santa. Get on that, nicca.

3:51 – And end it with the cone-bread!! YES!!!

Ya’ll, I can’t breathe. Revive me in the comment section. Oh, and have a good weekend!!

Love ya like one’s alma mater loves its alumini (money),

Cheekie

A Foxy Fail

Oh, hi.

Welllll, obviousssssly, we have big news these days.

Osama Bin Laden has, indeed, left the building. Or the cave. And while that was monumental news for a plethora of reasons, one particular thing distracted me for a moment:

BYE.

-_________________________-

Ah, yes, this MUST have been an innocent mistake. Because the ‘s’ is RIGHT next to ‘b’ on the infamous QWERTY keyboard, right? I won’t even mention their infamous rep for not exactly being a fan of Mr. Barry O, nor their blatant allegations of him being a Muslim (and on top of that, alleging that something would be wrong with that if he was). I’m sure that has absolutely no correlation.

I mean, why would a “reputable” (at least to some) news station steal a historical moment for our country to take a dig at its leader? Unheard of, right? It’s not like they’re known for questioning whether he was born in this country a year and some odd months after he has taken oath for this position.

I mean, I could be just as petty and say that I’m sure Donald Trump’s hairhat is from Todd’s fur (of The Fox and the Hound fame), thus it is a perfect mascot for Fox News. But, I shant go there.

Nah, I’mma just relish in the moment of Obama’s fabulous follow-up speech, look forward to the future, and…
DUST OFF THE SEAT THAT THE ENTIRE STAFF OF FOX NEWS SHOULD HAVE.

Yeah, that’s it.

*sips tea*

Love ya like Seth Meyers loves roasting real estate bigwigs,

Cheekie

A Pinched Guest: Hope For Hoverhand

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Ok, so lemme explain. That Damn African hacked into my WordPress account and decided to hijack my eCrib with his foolishness. Either that or I asked him to honor my joint with a guest post! He’s a fool so ya’ll will enjoy this one, Pinchers! Welcome him with ridicule love and pinches!

*Camera opens with Bono singing “One” in the background as a dark silhouette stands in the foreground. Two eyes appear and you realize it’s not a silhouette*

Hi, I’m Troy McClure That Damn African. You may remember me from such blog posts as My First Time At Red Lobster and Running The Two-Minute Drill. I’m here to talk to you about an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for far too long. I’m talking about hoverhand. Hundreds of men are diagnosed with hoverhand every year and not enough attention is brought to this debilitating condition.

Urbandictionary.com defines it as a condition that “…usually takes place in photos at conventions when a nervous nerdy guy is posing with an attractive female actress or model. They usually wrap their arm around the chicks back and have their hand hover over the females shoulder or waist, afraid to touch them.” Don’t be fooled, however. There are many cases of hoverhand happening outside of conventions all over the country. Many people have friends and family members who have hoverhand and don’t even know about it.

What causes hoverhand? Some hypothesize that there is a Darwinian principle at work that causes men of lower social and evolutionary quality to be intimidated by women of higher social and evolutionary quality. Others believe it is electromagnetic in nature. Geeky fellows might have a similar Metachlorian ion concentration with that of attractive women, in which case their matching polarity would act in a repellent manner like two magnets. However, most think it’s just a guy being lame. Academics still debate about what causes it and with your donations, we can better understand this disease and help prevent it before it starts.

*picture of adolescent TDA appears in the background*

This act of limb levitation was something I battled with while I was in my youth. As a member of the Socially Awkward Brigade (SAB), I used to clam up when an attractive girl would get too close. I didn’t know the rules of touching women. How to touch them. Where to touch them. When to touch them. How much to tip after they let you touch them. It was confusing. After years of oppression and ridicule from women, I came to expect chastising before it even happened. So when presented with an opportunity to stand next to a woman in a picture, I would avoid touching her. When I was expected to put my arm around her, I would keep my hand at a safe distance away from areas that she may deem inappropriate for me to touch (i.e. her entire body). This is what plagues the minds of men with hoverhand. This is why we need your help.

There are many different types of hoverhand. There’s the “over the shoulder” hoverhand as illustrated in the picture above. There’s the “upper back” hoverhand. There’s the “lower back“ or “waist” hoverhand. However, the most troubling is a recent discovery of an evolved version of the hoverhand: the hoverarm (viewer discretion is advised). But don’t worry. If you or anyone you know have symptoms similar to what you’ve just seen, there’s hope.

Scientists have figured out that “self-confidence” can get rid of this condition once and for all. Self-confidence allows a man to not worry about inappropriately touching a woman because she probably wants him to touch her inappropriately anyway. With self-confidence, these men won’t be afraid to embrace a woman for fear of ridicule or an untimely erection. Although a method to directly infuse men with self-confidence doesn’t currently exist, scientists are working to develop technology that can. They hope this technology will be available by Stardate 2387.

This is where you come in. With a generous donation, you can help us get closer to this goal. Thousands of men with hoverhand are awkwardly taking pictures and posting them on the internet at this very moment. We laugh at them because we take for granted our own self-confidence with women, but we can’t sit idly while our fellow man suffers. Take a stand and help the fight against hoverhand today. God bless you and God bless America.

-TDA

"Run Tell THAT, Homeboy"

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: I really hate to be in this position (that’s what she said?), but I’m here offering my deepest apologies for not showing face (or cheeks) this past Friday. Every Friday should have some foolery in it and I wish I was here to supply a little bit extra. Let’s just say a nicca some extenuating circumstances kept me from you. But, I have returned. And for not providing sufficient foolery this past Friday, I’m gonna go off a bit on my schedule and provide some today. A “Monday Madness” if you will. I may never use that theme title ever again, for the record. Anyhow, due to the material that has presented itself recently and because I owe ya’ll, today’s post couldn’t be about anything else. Enjoy.

Unless you’ve been living under Dru Hill’s career, you probably heard about the Huntsville home intruder. You probably heard way more about the victim’s brother, Antoine Dodson. To say he is a character is like calling the KFC Double-Down a light brunch. I’mma let him speak for himself, since he got all done up nice for ya’ll. It would be rude not to watch the following video:

That Young Link

Because he is spitting that KNOWLEDGE, I think it’ll be pretty lame of me not to reiterate Antoine’s report here for you to read. Especially since he put on his crusty red bandana to tell you:

- Apparently, there is a sexually-charged man in the town of Lincoln Park.

- He enjoys the sport of climbing up windows, snatching up several citizens and assaulting them in order to fulfill his sexual desires.

- It would be best to hide your offspring and your spouse (male or female).

- The intruder is assaulting everyone in the vicinity.

- Everyone has collected his personal items, thus rendering him imbecilic. So imbecilic. Really imbecilic. For real.

- There is no need for him to make a confession because everyone is searching for him. Antoine is forwarding this important information at this exact moment.

- Antoine wants the intruder to be aware that he is allowed to repeat what he has said as quickly as possible.

YA’LL SAW THAT EYE-ROLL AT THE END, THOUGH?!

Due to the magic that is the Al Gore internets, Antoine has discovered that he is now an internet sensation. And deservedly so. Here’s his follow-up interview (special thanks to Serenitiye for hipping me to this particular clip):

Linked Up

A Few Thoughts:

- This mofo got a t-shirt and a ringtone, though. *DEAD* I hate and love America, simultaneously. Ya’ll some fools, on the real.

- Oh, so folks didn’t agree with what he had to say? Them haters just didn’t agree with the fact that he has a ringtone and they don’t. Gon’ ‘head and speak your red bandana’d mind, Antoine.

- OF COURSE, ninjas made a rap of his video. I hate ya’ll!! *cracking up*

- Ok, so for the follow-up interview he done brought out the special “Ol’ Draws That Got a Hole In It, But Hell, I Can Still Use It For Somethin’” head scarf for ya’ll. I see you, Ant!

- Look at his outfit. Ya’ll KNOW you want to wear that at the next family reunion. Antoine Dodson Couture up in this ho.

- I love how he said, “I’mma beat his ass, and then I’mma call the police while beating his ass.” Yeah, I’m no expert, but I have a feeling that the only thing Antoine would have to do is step in the room and the intruder would be UP. Folks would see dust, that’s how fast he woulda ran out. There wouldn’t have to be any ass beaten. Stop the violence.

- Elizabeth Gentle treated EVERYONE when she said (in response to those criticizing him expressing his views), “Censoring Antoine Dodson would be far worse.” BOOM.

Hopefully, this stopped the few pinchers I do have from gathering a mob with torches and ya’ll can forgive me for just skipping out on Friday Foolery without a word. Happy Monday, ya’ll!!

Love ya like Kojak loved lollipops,

Cheekie