Fashion Nonsense: The Trilogy

Yeah, I’m as confused as his facial expression.

Back in the day (WAY back, back into TIME, even)  when I was still a Blogger* bum, I started a little series called Fashion Nonsense. Click that link I just made back there to check ‘em out, by the way.

It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you, my precious series. But, now I’m back in the habit on some Whoopi ish!

So here we go, five more fashionable (or not so much) items that I just don’t get:

1. Flip-Flops. Now hear me out. I’m not hating on flip-flops, in general — they can be comfy in certain situations — just particular aspects. Those el cheapo Old Navy flip-flops can go die somewhere. They look like plastic mistakes and they are not nice on your toes. I’ve probably scratched or somehow irritated my toes in one way or another by wearing those. Secondly, why are flip-flops the go-to shoe for EVERYWHERE for some folks? Like I said, they are comfy, but in certain situations. Flip-flops are not — lemme echo this one mo’ ‘gain — flip flops are NOT walking shoes. I often see people walking long distances in their flip flop joints and I say a little prayer (and a couple Hail Marys just in case) for their poor feets. Also, for some reason these shoes seem to be the most common offender of “Oh, I didn’t know it was 30 degrees outside” type folks who REFUSE to believe that summer is over.

2. Holiday Sweaters. Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, all’at. Christmas sweaters are the worst because there are actual events surrounding them. Like, you know something’s bad when someone creates an entire bar crawl in honor of mocking folks that actually think it’s cool. Look, I get it. You like a particular holiday. But how about — at the very most — rocking the color schemes to celebrate? Why you gotta get a sweater that is probably shapeless and can only be worn for a few days? I ADORE Christmas. It’s my fave. But I’ll be DAMNED (on some eternal damnation ish) if you ever catch me wearing a sweater with some holly and snowflakes bedazzled on it. Unless, I’m doing a fug Christmas sweater bar crawl. Which, hell, I’m hesitant about doing those but if the right person invites me and there are dranks involved, well…

3. Fingerless Gloves. You know the type that the stereotypical cartoony bum (who can surprisingly afford clown makeup) wears to show you how downtrodden he is? Those. This is that “seasonal oxymoron” ish I just cannot deal with. So, your hands are cold, but your fingers — a mere inch away, if that — ain’t? Sure, it makes it easier to type or lollygag on your smartphone, but don’t they have those touch gloves now? Which supposedly come in handy for the touch-phones? Or those mittens with the top that pops off so you can do yo thang for a hot second and then cover them back up. Which, still doesn’t make sense because if I’m cold, I mean… REALLY cold? I’m tryna rush into a warm building ASAP and avoid doing anything that will stall me from doing so, including texting some nicca. They can wait.

4. Leggings As Pants. Lawdhamercyonme, this is a FREQUENT offender. And where does this happen most? On ladies who have legs that look like walking ham hocks. I am all #TeamThickThighs (meaning my thighs rub together when I walk) so I know I have no bidness looking like I’m auditioning for a Shakespeare play. And don’t think the skinty bishes can get away with it. Lindsay Lohan STAYED wearing leggings as pants and the hilarious ladies at Go Fug Yourself roasted her for days, and rightfully so. Lookin’ like Peter Pan’s shameful cousin that he don’t claim. Leggings are an accessory, not a main clothing item. They are best worn with tunics, dresses, or any other item that is long enough to actually cover your rump and at least grace your thighs. Camel Toe should stay on the Sahara, ladies. K? Grazie.

5. Bling Overload. My mama yo mama (live across the street) and everybody’s mama always said, “Money can’t buy you class.” And lawwwwd, is this ever true when it comes to jewelry. It seems that as soon as someone comes across a nice amount of dough (be that lottery, fame, or plain ol’ hood rich tax refund check), they feel the need to display their entire bank account on their body via bling. I CANNOT with oversized gold chains, young men. Especially if you are NOT a caricature a la Mister T. I don’t see you pitying any fools. Sit alla’way down. And ladies? Why you gotta wear every single ring in your jewelry box at the same time? A ring on every single finger? Even if it’s just one hand, that’s too much. Give one (or two; one is best, frankly) ring its shine, damn!

Pinchers, strut yo fashion sense! What do you think about the ones I listed above? Am I being too hard on ‘em or not hard enough? And feel free to list any more that I haven’t covered and I’ll probably jack yo style — er, I mean, thankfully use one of your suggestions.

 

Love ya like Hoarders love to keep everything… ever… in the history of saving,

Cheekie

 

 

 

*Blogger is the blogosphere’s Everest College. *takes a shot… of Patron*

Fashion Nonsense: The Sequel

This may make you look like you married your first cousin, but it’s a logical outfit, right?

Let’s take a skip down memory lane. Earlier this month, I wrote a post listing aspects of fashion I just don’t get. I quickly realized that I had much more than five and noticed there’s a huge possibility this list will grow the more I engage in the great hobby of people-watching. And, of course, add the fact that my fabulous pinchers gave me great suggestions so I wouldn’t have to think so much that I mostly certainly appreciate. Mix those factors together and I have myself a little “series”, so to speak.

And with that, I bring you…

Five MORE Fashion Thangs That I Just Don’t Get

1. Indoor Sunglasses. How about we take a moment and look at the word. It’s such a lovely Compound* Word. The first part of the word is “sun.” I’m assuming that wasn’t just a fluke when Webster The Dictionary Man or whoever made up words for a living decided to dub the term. See where I’m going? Good, take my hand. The word itself tells you that the glasses are to be worn where there is sunlight present. The main goal of a pair of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun and/or keep you from looking like a squinty fool**. So, tell me why folks insist on wearing them inside? A place where the sun absolutely does NOT dwell? Mr. Rhetorical suggests that you not answer that, by the way. I’m thinkin’ it has something to do with looking cool. Well, lemme learn you somethin’ about that trend. The art of lookin’ cool is seamless. Those who wear sunglasses inside are not seamless. They reek of trying too hard. Know what you look like when you’re trying too hard to be cool? The exact opposite of cool. It was typed.

2. Ed Hardy. I don’t know about you, but I don’t fancy clothes that give my eyes seizures. Mr. Audigier, I don’t know you from Adam (or Eve), but what kind of evil plan do you got going on here? Why must there be 50-lem different things happening on one shirt? You can save some of those designs for upcoming lines. Seriously, one shirt has enough designs for 43 fashion seasons. And for some reason, it tends to attract thee most obnoxious people. Ed Hardy begats Summer’s Eve douchebags. If you wear Ed Hardy, I automatically assume you’re kind of a donkey. And I know the saying about assumptions, making me sort of an ass as well, but I’ll take a chance. I’m used to ass. I happen to have a decent one. Allegedly.

3. Camouflage. Now, I know I’m stepping on a lot of camouflaged (thus, hidden) toes with this addition because it was so popular at one point, but I ain’t neva scared. I am scared of Bonecrusher, though. Anyhow, I never got into this fashion trend. I cannot fathom what is fashionable about a design primarily made for being all that you can be. I happen to think it is a perfect design for the military because it screams…well, military. It just has that aura. I cannot understand why someone decided to make it a fashion statement. It is absolutely fug to me. And it’s not even the plain green fatigues that make my head hurt the mostest***, it’s the extended versions: the blue, the pink, etc. I blame Destiny’s Child. *shrug*

4. Open-toed Boots. One of those “Weather WTF” moments. And, yes, I know I’m being silly for applying logic to the fabulous-ness that is fashion, but I simply must in a lot of cases. I really want to be in the room with the ninja who sat back and was like, “You know how I can make a boot better? Turn it into a sandal.” o_O I want to channel Jadakiss and ask this person, “Why?” Because I have a pretty good feeling that the world was okay without having to know for sure what it would be like to be able to feel the chilling breeze solely against your toes while your ankles are still nice and toasty.

5. Drape vests. This is a newer trend so here is a pic just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about. Hell, I have an idea what I’m talking about and I don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about. Because these things make n’an sense to me. I think folks who wear these secretly want to be a window with curtains in their next life. That’s my psychoanalysis for that ass. You’re welcome.

Ya know, writing this makes me wonder if I rock anything that folks just don’t understand. Probably. I’m gonna go with yes. See? Even as I stand on my pedestal questioning folks’ fashion sense, I’m positioned to get knocked down. Ah well, I have fluffy cheeks to land on. Love me.

Love ya like ninjas love to have simulated sex on the dance floor,

Cheekie

*Speaking of compound words, I used to think I was the ish when I first learned what a compound word was. Then I became super fascinated in finding out each and every one of them. That fascination probably lasted like 1 month, at the most. Short attention spans for the win.

**Kind of how I look like all the time. Beady ass eyes. #TeamSquinty

***Who dat said I can’t make up words?

Fashion Nonsense

I understand this more than a lot of “regular” fashion. But, I’m bizarre that way. Want your bad romance.

Hi, my Precious* Pinchers. So, you remember the time when we fell in love I mocked Crocs? Well, that was only a prologue to today’s post. Actually, I had no idea I would write this post ’til several weeks later, but the former sounds more romantic or whatever writers use for their stuffs.

Speaking of writing, one thing that makes me a fabulous good** writer is how observant I am. I’m a people-watcher. I’m curious. Some say it killed the cat. But, I’m a lion, bish. Leos run this peninsula tonight.

Anyway, I get most of my observing done while walking down the streets of downtown Chicago. A lot of this observing involves fashion that makes no sense to me. I’ve been dying to write about it for eons, but since I want to continue living life and being Kanye-great, I better start now.

Speaking of Kanye Titter, I need to employ his ALL-CAPS tactic for a hot minute…

DISCLAIMER THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE NEEDED: I apologize (Anita Baker) in advance for those who may be fans of the following clothing items/styles. I’m not necessarily saying the following should burn in the fiery pits of Gucci Mane’s hot breath throat***, I’m just saying I furrow my brow when I see them. If you are a fan of any of these, maybe you can learn me something and explain why these things are needed in life. Then, I’ll do a “The More You Know” PSA segment on NBC. A network that doesn’t endorse me in any way so if you’re actually awaiting the future PSA? You’ll be a waiting mofo. *pushes digress button*

Five Fashion Thangs That I Just Don’t Get:

1. Uggs With Shorts. To be completely honest, I don’t fux with Uggs at all, but I do understand that they’re super-warm. I get that. Logical. What is the complete opposite of logical (aka the teabaggers’ existence) is wearing footwear designed for wintertime coupled with clothing designed for summertime. Folks who wear this combo are walking oxymorons. I mean, are you hot or cold? Are only your legs hot and your feet cold? Did Omarosa attend Steve Harvey’s School of Dentistry? These are the equations that are made to be solved.

2. Gaucho Pants. Probably the most unappealing, least complimenting item of clothing in the history of spandex. Look, I’m blessed in the thigh area. Why would I want to wear pants that make my thighs look like bloated hamhocks? This is what I mentally ask other thigh-blessed chicks. Don’t get me wrong, I love brothas and brothas love thighs, so I’m cool with mine. (thoughicouldusesometoning) But, I don’t want them any bigger, causing me to look like a reflection on the outside of a car. Hell, gauchos even make waif models look like thickums. How in the theory of relativity is that possible? Gauchos are evil, that’s how.

3. Summer Scarfs. See, I have a thing with weather confusion. Like the uggs/shorts combo above, there are clothing items that are clearly meant for a certain season and that season only. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some pretty scarfs in an array of fun colors. But, see, I usually wear them in the fall (where it can get pretty nippy here) and in the winter. Never in the summer where my neck already sweats enough. Just the thought of ish on my sweaty neck during the summer makes me want one of these, and I’ll be damned if I wear one of those.

4. Extra-Extra Low Rise Jeans. Man, these are a disaster. Not only are they the criminal behind the “plumber’s crack” (or the “Crack is Wack”, as I like to call it), but they are just plain stupid. I always cringe when I see the “noassatall” club sport these. Because — and I had no idea this is possible — but it gives chick’s negative ass. It is not flattering. My aunt has a hilarious description of “noassatall”. She just claps her hands to describe it. That’s how it looks. I die laughing every time. She’s all, “Her ass was like this. *claps*.” I can’t take my family sometimes.

5. Sleeveless Turtlenecks. Yet another “Weather WTF.” My own Mama (yes THEE Mama Cheekie, one who deserves entire posts dedicated to her fabulousness) is a violator of this one. She loves to wear them under jean jackets. I do not understand them. I would not, could not, Sam I am. What is this contraption that is the sleeveless turtleneck? It looks like it should be worn during the fifth season of the year: Wintummer. I’m thoroughly convinced that someone accidentally snipped a hole in one of the arms while cutting their Rapunzel armpit hair with scissors and instead of sewing up the hole (they didn’t know how to), they just cut off both arms in frustration so everything could be uniform. And thus begat sleeveless turtlenecks. Yup, that’s it. I’m gonna put that on Wikipedia…

That was a Joe Wilson lie by the way.

My dearest pinchers, what say you? I mean, what write you? Wait…what type you? Dammit, what’s your opinion? And feel free to add more things about fashion that you don’t get/like as well. I plan on continuing this particular…series. That’s my way of saying “Please do the hard part for me and come up with ideas while I take all the credit.” Except I always give credit. Like a boss. Slim Thug.

Happy Hump(ing) Day!

Love ya like The Dream loves shawty right there who is a ten, yet he a 1.3,

Cheekie

*Don’t you hate how we can’t even say “precious” no mo’ without someone taking it as an insult? Thanks a lot, Sapphire.

**Fake humility is hot!

***Because God is good, I have no idea how his breath smells. I’ve never met him in person. But, you know how folks just look like they breath stank? He look like his breath stank.