Friday Foolery: A Disney Dummy

Or should I say, “A Disney Dumbo.” Tee hee!!!

… ( ._.)

Anyhow.

I love fusion. Basically, I love when two things join together to form this perfect marriage. Like Disney/Pixar! Or smash/bang (smang)!

There are two particular things I especially love that I always welcome to join in a union: ratchedness and Disney. Or #RatchetDisney, as I’ve dubbed on the Twittuhs. Which, between that and Tumblr, I’ve definitely found such Disney Ratchedness. The hilarious pictures (w/ ratched captions) featuring Disney themes, the “Simba” adult meme… lawd, the list (much like the beat) goes on.

Even seeing those, I never would’ve predicted something like this. What is this? Well…

I logged onto Gchat a few days ago and Alise immediately presented me with a World Star Hip Hop (yeah, “uh-oh”, already) link. She claimed she was eager for me to log on. I’m thinkin’, it must be really perfect. Ninja, it shole was. I promptly told her that it must be the next Friday Foolery, thus eff any other topic. It was that serious.

Three words: Lion King Bounce. Yes, this exists. My favorite gottdayum Disney movie turned into a silly dance. WHO would create something like this? Why, Mr. Ghetto, of course! I had his messy self up here on this blog before. Welcome back, Sir Ghetto…

The Circle of Live Commentary:

0:05 – Oh, lawd. The epic Lion Kang opening goon call. And these bishes walking around in their finest animal-print spandex jumpsuits from Citi Trends.

o:17 – So, um, would Mr. Ghetto be “Mufasa” or “Simba” in this here scenario? I mean, he’s obviously the king because all the “lionesses” are searching for him. And, yes, I know this due to their superb video-girl acting skills.

0:19 – I cannot imagine what historic monument had to suffer the fate of appearing in this video. Ya’ll know where they at? I only say historic monument because lion statues usually seem to grace the front of important places like the Art Institute of Chicago. Like, if you see lion statues, that place of establishment is on some official ish…

0:25 – Yeah, Mr. Ghetto, I know you da Lion Kang, but if you remember correctly there were technically TWO lion kings featured in the film so I’mma need you to be a bit more specific. For research purposes. Maybe we’ll see a human version of “Scar” to clear things up here…

0:27 – I’m sorry. Did this creature call himself the lion king because he is smanging in a manner similar to an animal that leaves in the wild kingdom? Did I hear that correctly? … Hmm. K.

0:33 – This dude smanging like lions, tigers, AND bears. Watch out, National Geographic!

0:36 – Oh yeah, this is definitely a Mr. Ghetto production. There go the booties!

0:46 – Wayment. This dance looks EXACTLY like the Wally Wally World dance. I’ve been bamboozled! Hoodwinked! … *as I keep watching*

0:54 – They done actually climbed the trees to do this dance. Dedication like a mug.

1:05 – OMG, featuring Timon?! YASSSSSSSSS! Smart move. Because Timon is known for droppin’ heat on singles. -_-

1:09 – This lady crawling. I wonder if her name is Amber Dandelion or something.

1:22 – AH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m not even finna admit how I started bouncing to this part. Not at all.

1:39 – This dude implementing “Hakuna Matata” in here, too. This is entirely too much. But, hey, no worries…

1:55 – Is that Chris Tucker?? The person in the leopard leggings. Oh wait, nawl, he ain’t that skinny no mo’…

2:23 – No, they do NOT have this lady singing “Circle of Life.” Like, that verse was on some “chuuch” status and they got it in this song? I can’t!

2:36 – This video reminds me of the seizure-esque effects of Kanye’s “All of The Lights” music video, except replacing lights with booties.

2:40 – Crouch like a lioness. Oh, aiight.

2:43 – Did he say pounce?? I’ll never look at Nala the same way again…

2:52 – This wifebeater’d ninja is POPPIN’ IT ON A HANDSTAND.  *exits the entire internet*

3:13 – No, I did not hear the hype man (or DJ?) in the background say “You a genius…!” Nope. Couldn’t have heard that.

3:17 – For some reason, the fact that the swinging tire is there made this entire thing art. Like, swinging tires have nothing to do with jungles. Yet, it makes sense here. Prolly because this entire thing is nonsense.

Pinchers, what you think of the Lion King Bounce? A hot new dance at the club? Remember to crouch like a lioness. Happy Friday!

Love ya like Cheers patrons love Norm,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Gettin’ Busy, Aquatically

I’ve noticed that for some reason, the very presence of water causes ninjas to wax lovingly poetic. Take Sir Charles, for instance… whom I featured here in the past.

Yes, that’s right, I’ve done this before. For subjecting ya’ll to the following mess, you can blame the homie, I Am Your People (hilariously enough, she also inspired the above linked video). She dropped this link over at VSB and I knew it had foolery of a Friday nature written all over it. In invisible ink, of course. Duh.

To quote the ever-illustrious Panama Jackson in the comments section, “there should be a board of people who decide who can and cannot make music.” Word, Panda… word. Then again, if that board existed, I wouldn’t have 85% of my material. Conundrum.

Let’s take out our safety scissors and cut to the chase shall we?

“Making Love In The Water” by Ladomour

Making Live Commentary In The Water:

0:03 – Um. Before we hear too much of his “voice”, let’s talk about his hair. And how he must have used ALL the tar from his uncle’s garage (which was meant for the driveway) AND from Jermaine Jackson’s head. I cannot with these mofos lookin’ like Black Ken dolls. NO ONE’S hair looks like this in real life!

0:05 – K, onto his voice. Which sounds like a cat that just got ran over by an SUV filled with dying cats. Lawd!

0:17 – LMAO. I’m mad he sung the hook in the studio and got that “Man, that was on point!” look on his face and wrote the lyrics down. Like he just hit a goldmine. He was wrong.

0:29 – I’m sittin’ here wondering if this video was shot in a hotel bathroom. No idea why I got that impression. Maybe I have a “Ninjas with extra long ponytails would do something like that” stereotype embedded in my mind?

0:40 – Ya’ll see that cowrie shell necklace he got from JC Penny, doe?! Fly!

0:48 – Um. He just got a little too hype to be talmbout love in the shower…

0:53 – Why is he bouncing around like that?! Looks like he about to jump into a turning double-dutch rope.

1:01 – He seriously just showed a quick shot of his grandma’s clock to emphasize the fact that it’s 12 o’clock.

1:10 – Awww, they got wine and candles. *looks that the upload date was in 2009* How much ya’ll wanna bet that wine woulda been Moscato if he uploaded this in today’s times?

1:21 – I can totally tell ol’ girl has a VERY hard time pretending as if she’s interested in him. She’s doing one of those constrained smiles where you can tell she’s thinking, “dis some bullshit.” Times is hard, I know chile.

2:09 – I CANNOT with these Powerpoint Presentation transitions, ya’ll…

2:16 – Lawd, the way he ends a sentence! The emphasis he puts on the last word? He sounds like he needs stock in Ex-Lax.

2:43 – There he go with the clock again. Now, look. Grandma ain’t gone have you using her good clock she got from the Swap Meet for all this fornication and carryin’ on.

3:17 – Why did it cut abruptly like that? Ya’ll noticed that? Wait, was I just applying professional tactics to this video? Father forgive me…

3:26 – Aw, now they walking out in the sunshine. And ya’ll KNOW the sun is looking at the top of his head like, “LOOK, nicca, I do this shining ish. I’m a solo act and don’t eeeeeem need your help, mmkay?”

3:46 – Ok, we get it. Sunflower. Dayum… Zoom-in/zoom-out overload like a mug!

3:51 – She’s singing ALONG, doe? Girl, you better GET your bonus!

4:10 – Uh-oh, wasn’t expecting the extra bass-grunt in his voice. Aw, snap!

4:40 – These random shots, yo…

4:58 – Annd he wraps it up with the constipated elongated note. Marvelous work. o_____O

Yeah, y’all have a fabulous weekend. Make it so hot that the water won’t cool you down. I plan to!

Love ya like meatheads (allegedly) love steroids,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Surprisingly enough, I’m not talmbout the infamous Peanut Butter Jelly Time video. Nor am I talmbout the equally infamous Family Guy parody of said video.

I’m talmbout something much less fun and much more disturbing.

I was wandering aimlessly along my Twitter timeline when I came across a reblogged Tumblr photo from Steen Fox. It was to her hilarious side-piece Tumblr called “#ThatPlate” (which, DUH, instant follow). After gleefully clasping my hands together at the fact that someone created this Tumblr, I looked at the photo…

O__________o

Jigga WHO.DONE.WHAT.NOW?!

Are my squinty eyes deceiving me or are they seeing what I think they’re seeing? Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammich in a CAN?! What in the Podunk, Iowa hell?!

Like Steen noted, what kind of lazy ish is this?! A sandwich in a can, doe? Like, the convenience of having things in a can… I get it. But, combining something with THREE simple ingredients (of which include already-made things such as bread, peanut butter, & jelly) is doing the utmost least.

Yo, I wish a nicca WOULD see me taking this to lunch. Or imagine the poor kid who receives a cafeteria full of side-eyes when he pulls this out of his lunch pail.* NO ONE would want to trade lunches with him.

(*rides my segway toward my segue* Speaking of which, do kids even do this anymore? Trade lunches? Perhaps they do, but it’s updated to blend in with today’s world… so they probably trade lunches using an App. iLunchBarter or something. Digressing…)

Looking at this (and trying to accept that it actually exists), makes me wonder WTF is next in the can industry:

– Soul Food Dinner In A Can (w/ a picture of Big Mama Joe from the film)

– Mary Jane In A Can

– Sushi In A Can

– That Damn African In A Can

– Salisbury Steak In A Can (ya’ll know THIS would be the type of steak they put in a can)

– Ice Cream In A Can (w/ dry ice)

– Subway Footlong In A Can

– Crème Brûlée In A Can

As you can see, it could get quite ridiculous. And I truly hope I never find out that any of the above already exists.

Pinchers, have you tried the Canned PB&J? If so, how did it taste? Does it taste like I imagine it to taste?** If you haven’t yet, WOULD you taste it? (Please note that if you answer “yes” to this question, you may have to get right with Gawd afterwards.)

Oh, and since it’s Friday, what other “in a can” possibilities are next? Let’s get foolish… foolishly. Have a great weekend!

Love ya like peas love carrots,

Cheekie

*Yes, the kid in my hypothetical situation is carrying a lunch PAIL, like it’s World War II era or some ish.
**I imagine it to taste like MSG and demoted teenagers.

Friday Foolery: Morning Woody

Sidenote: Do you remember when today used to be Tax Day? And when Pluto was a planet? And the time?

Ok.

First things first. If you’re thinking anything but pure and angelic thoughts after you read the title of this post, then you are in need of Jeebus. Tsk, tsk. Tisk effing tisk.

Because I’m a good person, I’m gonna be honest with you, Pinchers. I spent damn near all day trying to figure out what I was going to feature for today’s Friday Foolery. WHAT? A lack of foolery?! I know! Not much was inspiring me and/or I was too lazy (pronounced: Black) to actively search for something.

Then along came That Damn African. I like him like I like paper cuts across my upper lip, but even I can admit that he’s probably my top Friday Foolery inspiration. He STAYS sending me dumb ish and for that I’m grateful. He’ll never know that, doe. *evil laugh*

Lemme set the scene. I’m sitting at my desk working hard for my young moolah (baby) and occasionally checking Gchat* when he up hits me up with this outta the blue:

TDA: yeah, i’d love to see you explain this: [insert foolish link here]

“What did this foolish link expose”, you ask? You ask, I answer.

Behold:

PARDON ME?!

Didn’t we already discuss ya’ll ninjas making sweet childish things inappropriate?

My Pixar/Toy Story lovin’ self is quite hurt at this.

…

Oh wait, I was being honest wasn’t I?

Ya’ll, I cracked the hell up for a good while. Not until I was finished catching my breath was I able to seriously consider TDA’s wish. How could I explain this?

Well, let’s back up for a second and explain what is actually going on in this screenshot. No, for real. Gutter minds. Anyway, this is the scene right after Woody realizes that Andy’s birthday party (that was scheduled for later) has been moved to today. So, he gathers his trusty companion, Slinky to gather everyone around for an important toy meeting. But, he tells his pal in confidence that he has bad news. But, Slinky screams out, “Bad news?!” and all the other toys start tweaking and shit. And Woody covers Slinky’s mouth on some, “Simmer down, ninja!” ish. THAT is what is going on here.

But, what it look like, doe???

Like I need to wash my mouth out with soap and water is what it looks like. So, I’m going to put on my delusional hat** and imagine what Slinky and Woody could possibly be doing. My imagination is running away from me at Forrest Gump speed.

What Slinky and Woody May Be Doing In The Above Screenshot:

– Helping Woody zip his zipper. Ok, two things wrong with this. I’m pretty sure Woody’s pants didn’t require a zipper. YKK. And fellas, you’d probably say your male dog zippin’ up your zipper still looks iffy. But, hey! It’s still not as bad as — sigh. I tried. On to the next one…

– An overly-energetic flea was doing the Wop under the bed, slipped on the checker board and landed inside Slinky’s nostril. Woody is trying to get the young fella out.

– Slinky’s legs happened to fall a sleep RIGHT as he assumed this very position. Apparently, grabbing his mouth cures this so that’s where Woody comes*** in.

Yeah, that’s all I got. Hope you satisfied, TDA!! But if you ain’t, I got these Pinchers to fill in for me. I think. Wayment, lemme ask. Pinchers, what do you think Slinky and Woody are up to here? By the way, TDA, you’re a Pincher too… might as well throw out an hypothesis or two yourself.

Have a marvelous Friday! May your weekend be filled with Woody. Rather it’s yours or his. Boom boom kack.

Love ya like Ashley Judd loves Curtis Jackson,

Cheekie

*Yeah, ya’ll ninjas know it’s actually the other way around. Um, allegedly. *shifty eyes*
**It looks similar to whatever hat(s) Obama-Birthers wear in their everyday lives.
***”Woody comes”, doe? I SWEAHFOGAWD, I tried to think of other ways to put that sentence. I probably erased and replaced it 3 different types before I realized that I had already thought it and typed it. Thus, the damage is done. *repents

Friday Foolery: Pinched Pictures Vol. 2

Salutations and shat, Pinchers!

I think it’s that time again! All Pics Air-thang! And no one should receive more credit for making it that time again than @LMAOTwitpics. <<~~ Click that link to follow them on the twittuhs. Trust, you need this in your life. As a foolery expert, I’m prescribing that into your timeline. Test tube baby.

All of the below material is from that account. So, let’s get to it. LEGGO, BISH!

1.

– So, looking at this from the top-down. Looks like just a nice Grandpaw (I’M NOT YO DADDY I’M YO GRANDPAW!) perusing merchandise whilst wearing a member’s only-esque jacket.
– Then you get to his pants. Um. Hmm, a little tight, there. Ok…
– THEN. O_________O Wayment. Is he wearing some damn DSW boots? With a high-heel? And — *squints even more than I already am* –  are they over the knee?! I cannot with this Morgan Freeman looka boy wearing hooker boots, doe.

2.

– Wow, if this ain’t the most politically correct thing I’ve ever seent in my life…
– This is a great message! They are celebrating equality. They highly advocate the whole “Kumbaya, folks standing around the world holding hands” image that everyone loves. Everyone should be treated the same! Blacks! Yellows! Browns! Normals!
– …
– Wait… WHAT?! I’m gonna take a WILD guess (based on my ability to peep colors coupled with the process of elimination) that the kid on the far right is the normal one. Oh.
– For real. This is the type of ish that is so wrong, it’s hilarious.

3.

– *dies a slow and humorous death*
– Whoever this “brother” is that told his mom that the text emoticon was an alien smiley face (especially with the one getting into the ship) is a genius, an asshole, and stoopid all at the same time.
– And I love the deadpan response to her question. “…..No Mom it isn’t” He is in SUCH facepalm mode right now. LOL. Po’ chile.

4.

Click me to view! (because Photobucket is a hating ho!)

– When I first saw this, I’m sure I laughed/cried for a GOOD 15 minutes straight. I mean, I kinda stopped a bit for air (because how am I supposed to breathe with no air,  Jordin Sparks?!) for a few seconds, but let’s not get all technical.
– Little homie is GETTING. IT. And look at that smile. It screams, “Ya’ll ain’t ready.” Because, boo, you are NOT.
– All them other ninjas MAY be smiling, but they are mad. You can see it in their eyes. Because the homie is all front and center, attracting all the scallywags and they just on the sidelines watching him attract ‘em. Eff their lives, huh?

 

5.

–  -________________________O
– Y(KK) is this happening right now? WHO approved this?! (see what I did there with the YKK, doe? *Dirt-Devils dirt off my shoulder*)
– And how does this hair-traption even work? The zipper is glued to your scalp? What in the sweatshop hell?
– I bet his cousins n’em are just COOING over this like “Yo, that’s tight! Ain’t nobody gone have nuffin like this! You gone start (citi) trends and ish, yo.” Yeah, I’m done with homo sapiens. I’mma register as a bird or somethin’ on next year’s Census.

 

Annnnd, that wraps it up! Trojan. Enjoy your weekend, my precious Pinchers! Hope it is filled with errant high-heeled boots, normal equality, alien space folks, dope dougies, and zippers! If so, please report back.

 

Love ya like Quentin loves Uma (actually, that’s kinda creepy ain’t it? Ah well, too late to change it),

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: I’m (Not) Lovin’ It

Ah, McDonald’s. Mickey D’s if ya nasty.

I have many fond memories of the joint with the golden arches. I remember when I first tried (and fell in love with) their infamous fries. The 4 Piece Chicken Nugget Happy Meal, the toys, the playpen… the list goes on.

This, however, is something I’d like to forget. Like, as soon as possible. “Yesterday” will suffice.

 

Jiggle WHAT?!

What is this madness? See… this. This right here is why Jesus wept. I’m mad McDonald’s out here killing Sebastian and his family. I mean, all the ninja ever wanted was for Eric to kiss the girl. Is that so wrong? Sure, Eric and Ariel were kinda shy, but damn, it didn’t mean he and his peoples needed to be slaughtered for it!

Mr. McDonald comma Ronald. I’m going to need you to explain this fragglenaggle bull. What is McDonald’s trying to do here? Are they trying to monopolize on the crowd that goes to Red Lobster while dressed in their Sunday Best? Trying to make a quicker, fast-food alternative? Lemme guess, up next is McCheddarBayBiscuits (or some bootleg version of the name so they don’t get sued up the wahoo)?

The above picture was linked on Twitter some damn where and the news blew up! Like, “Is this REAL?! This can’t be life!” Apparently, McDonald’s has issued an official statement saying that while the McLobster is indeed real, it is only in New England locations and there are no plans to release it nationwide.

PRAISE. HIM.

But, lemme backupbackupbackup for a second. New England… what is wrong wif you? WHY have you accepted this? One Tweeter said that Maine, specifically, BEEN had these travesties. Maine. Sir. I know you way up there in the corner of these Yoo-Knighted States, but we see you. And we request that you log off. Log off the entire country. I can’t fux with you, patriotically.

The McLobster Look Like:

– The little cup of cole slaw from Harold’s Chicken Shack puked on it.
– Sebastian’s grandfather, Long John Silver skeeted on it. Then sang a song about what he just did.
– A seafood orgy.

And I BET…

The McLobster Taste Like…

– Spoilt milk and overcrowded buses.
– Tartar sauce gone bad and recalcitrance.
– Gubment mayonnaise and dictatorship.
– Cottage cheese and AOL 5.0.
– Second place.

Basically, I know for sure it tastes like 85 different kinds of ass. Because that’s how it looks. Yes, this is logical and real in my brain. Example. It’s kinda like chitlins. I’ve NEVER tasted them and will never taste them (even though I’ve had several opportunities too, but we don’t speak of that), but I don’t have to. They smell like oppression, thus there’s no way in hell the taste can compensate for that. Like, there is no way chitlins somehow taste like filet mignon.* Hell, my nasal cavity is throwin’ tantrums just from typing about the smell. You feel me? You feel me.

Anyway, lemme TRY to keep an open mind. New England Pinchers, get off the Patriots’ nuts for a second and do me a teensy-weensy favor. If you’ve tasted the McLobster, tell me how you liked it! Did you like it? Or do your taste buds want to find another gig? For those easterners who haven’t tasted it yet, can you taste it and report back here? In the name of foolery? Basically, I want my guesses up there to be validated. *hugs and pinches*

Happy Friday!

 

Love ya like Diabla loves to makes the arms on your hairs rise and then faint,

Cheekie

 

 

 

*Yup, STILL trippin’ over someone typing “flaming young” on Twitter.

Forever Young

 

Geriatric hoshit. WIN.

Getting older is something we all think about. Especially when we’re, you know… actually getting older. We think about things such as our looks, our level of success, possible children (or grandchildren), etc. In regards to looks in particular, I can’t say that I’m the type to worry about that thanks to the baby face. I’ll never be that lady that claims “29″ forever because I’mma probably look 22 then, anyway. Hell, I better accept my future reality as a cougar now. You mad (in advance)?

I have high hopes about the other aforementioned things, so I can’t say I’m agonizing about those, either. There are some things, however, that I’ve noticed about old folks that make me think, “Lawd, I hope I never get THAT old.” Not in the way that sounds. Hell, I wanna live as long as the homie, Methuselah if we wanna be real. I want a long, exquisite life. Anyway, when I say that, I mean that I don’t want to get “old-minded.”

Don’t worry, I won’t be the old lady in the club, it’s just a few things I hope I never embrace when I get on my AARP swag. Here are a few:

– The Obnoxious Decorating. Every time I look through a catalogue like Brylane Home and the like, there are always several pages dedicated to THEE most fugliest bedding in the entire universe. In the history of The Big Bang Theory. Ya’ll should see my face when I see a huge BALD EAGLE splattered across a comforter. Or a rooster-themed kitchen. o______O Then the store has some nerve to ask money for it. I wouldn’t have any of that in my home if you paid ME. I imagine only the elderly and Tea Party members (sometimes one and the same) find this delightful.

– The Jeans Of Mothers. Ok, first off, I know they’re called “mom jeans”, but don’t be associating MY mama with that. She has some sense not to wear jeans that make you look like you’re shaped like dishwasher. And I’m sure there are plenty more fab moms out there that are the same. But, I guess a lot of mothers do find these jeans practical and comfortable. But… yeah… see… no. Sweatpants/jogging pants are comfy too. And I bet I’d look better in those than some jeans with a waistband that comes all the way up to my (hopefully still ample by then) bosom. Excluding those from around the 80s and early 90s of course, because those were just…

– The Veteran Question. All you have to do is either go to at least one family reunion or simply be around an older person when some old school music plays in the background and you’ll hear it: Whatchoo know bout dat there, youngin’? That question has always made me side-eye and eyeroll simultaneously. Yes, what could I possibly know about old artists — especially legendary ones — because, of course music is only available for those who were alive when it was first released. Look, my creamed-corn enthusiast, I may not have a Hoveround, but I’m pretty sure I can access music from way back when. And even — GASP — love it. Ain’t that about a blip?!

– The Obsessively Nostalgic Mentality. We all know that the days were good. And old. The Bunkers expressed their love for the olden days in their opening theme song. However, I cannot be that old fogey that goes on and on lamenting on how things ain’t the same. I mean, it’s one thing to say ish like, “Any generation that allows Wacka Flocka Flame into the music industry is doomed” in passing, but to ceremoniously Debbie Downer all over the young folks at every given moment? Not cute. Let’s take this straight, no chaser: Everyone was young once. And yes, YOUR music and libations were considered insane by the previous generation. So you should know how it feels! The only mofo who had ultimate pop culture respect was effing Adam, who repped the Garden of Eden. And even then, I bet God was like, “Ya know, I miss the good ol’ days when it was nuthin but light.” So, I suggest to my future self and everyone else’s that we should just let the young bucks have their time. Besides, I wanna be the cool grandma attempting to do the year-2061 version of The Dougie.

Pinchers, what say you? Do you ever think of quirky stuff like the above when it comes to getting older? We all mortal and shit. Let’s bond over that. Speak on it!

*looks up at post with chagrin* -_- I PROMISE I respect my elders, yo.

 

Love ya like the 2011 season premiere of The Game LOVES doing the absolute most,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Branch Of Deaf!

Against my better judgement, I happened to be yucking it up with Panama Jackson aka “I Got Every Single Possible Alias In The History Of Jennifer Garner” and he up and decided to link a particular video for me to partake in. He’s obviously a bad influence. Hide yo wife.

Because I’m in a kindergarten frame of mind, I decided to share with ya’ll. Pay the foolery forward! Haley Joel Osment would be proud. Speaking of that whispering fellow, I haven’t Googled him lately. Does he look like the 6 feet tall 10 year old looka boy that I’ve imagined him to be at this point in time?

…

Let me gone ‘head and link this before I make an entire post on the kid who saw dead people…

Annnnnd go:

0:00 – I’m not sure I’ve started a video from the absolute very beginning before, but I had to stop it here before I started it. Ya’ll see that ninja on the right? Why does that ninja actually look like a member of the Triple K? I quit and rebuke the mofo who drew that and called it a ninja. FOOLISH. *cackles* And I cannot with him giving the thumbs up, all “Yay, bigotry!”

0:05 – Ok, I ain’t e’en gonna lie, that made me jump back a little. I should’ve known he wouldn’t just sit there in full meditative pose like a serious person. I mean, do I know what I’m watching? Focus.

0:13 – Um. Tig ol’ bitties, much? Here’s a thought to ruin your day. How’d you feel if Victoria’s Secret* put him in their commercials for April Fool’s Day? I would DIE. And um, Vicky? If you do that, best believe I will be taking you to Judge Judy. Trick.

0:16 – Not “Blindin Fat Speed!” Yes, that went by so quickly, my hair whipped back and forth simultaneously.

0:18 – Ya’ll know he almost fell, right?

0:27 – Yet again.

0:44 – He look way too serious for this to be real. And this music?! Lawd.

0:48 – You see those Dragon kicks? They are full of fury! You think Mother Nature is ferocious? Check out the wind provided by the flapping of this man’s bosom as he kicks his legs. Only then, will you know what true fury is.

0:56 – I love how he has to keep pulling up his shorts. Actually, what I REALLY love is not that he HAS to do it, but that he actually makes the conscious choice to do it. No one wants to see the result of him not giving a frick about his shorts falling down. For that, I thank you for many generations to come, Black Ninja. Ain’t saying Black Ninja redundant, considering how black folks use that term? Nah, nevermind, I use “ninja” equal opportunity-like.

1:10 – This is where I *FLATLINE*. The “Branch of Deaf”, doe? And why did he climb onto it all gingerly and cautiously as if he would’ve fallen to his death — um, deaf, I mean — had he made a wrong step? That branch is so close to the ground, it is damn near UNDER it. I cannot!

1:34 – Wow, “Dirty Dancing” got nothing on this scene right nah.

1:42 – (._.) I’m sorry…”Tigar Claw?” What is a Tigar? Is that something like a Liger, a la “Napoleon Dynamite.” A hybrid? Maybe it is a mix of a tiger and a car?

1:50 – Is he making the karate chop sound with his mouth, kinda like how us kiddies used to do back in the day when we pretended like we were Bruce Lee?**

1:58 – This creature said, “Samarai! Siggas!” Also, I’m quite impressed and stupified that he spelt “samurai” correctly, but not “tiger.” Or am I missing something deep and ironic, here?

2:11  – And THEN he proceeds to ask if he spelled it right! YES, sigga, you did. You shoulda asked that when you put some damn “tigar claw” so I can say “naw” and saunter off. I’m mad he didn’t spell it “samoorye” or some ish.  He spelled it RIGHT! That’s a ninja mind trick for yo ass.

Man, I just…

So, Pinchers, would ya’ll let your chirruns join this man’s dojo? Assuming he has one. Of course he does. Anyone who can tackle the Branch of Deaf should have his own dojo and be called Sensei.

Happy Friday! Kick a Sigga in the face in the name of Samurai-ness. Ok, actually only on the internet. No violence.

 

Love ya like Nick Cannon probably loves to drumline on Mariah Carey’s preggers belly,

Cheekie

 

*Mentioning them just reminded me I recently got a free panty coupon in the mail! Win!
**Don’t e’en ack like you didn’t pretend you were Bruce Lee when you found out about him. He was everything.

Mama NOOOO!

You know those email forwards that folks send to everybody and their mama? Well, I recently got one that stopped me in my tracks. My reaction was similar to this: Fresh Prince Clip.

And the following picture is the culprit:

Elmo’s World is apparently full of crusty hos.

What in the H-E-doublehockeysticks is this hot steaming mess?? This just pissed on my entire childhood. My favorite show as a kid was Sesame Street and now? I can’t erase the image of Elmo simulating the mattress mambo with some geriatric female. Not cool.

Wasn’t Elmo initially there for the kids? I see the little girl (unfortunately) in the background all, “Um, you all up on my entertainment bish”. I mean, come on lady, this ain’t the way to re-discover the “kid” in you. Reclaiming your childhood is done by participating in innocent ish like rollerskating or cartwheels. It does not mean dry humping Elmo. And Elmo, you should be ashamed. Somewhere in the caves of Sesame Street, Aloysius Snuffleupagus* (Mr. Snuffleupagus if you’re nasty) is giving you a major side-eye. And it is super major because of his fierce eyelashes. Tsk. Tsk. REPENT!

*sigh*

Anyhow. Signing off. Traumatized.

Love ya like Billy Mays (R.I.P.) loved screaming,

Cheekie

*You know I spell-checked that like a mug.