Friday Foolery: I’m Just Saying… Do Better

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you… without some foolery to laugh ’til you lose your breath to.

(-_-)

Because of my slight absence from the Friday Foolery series, I figured I had to return with a bang. And ain’t it quite apropos that Mr. “Cole You Stoopid” himself, Panama Jackson provided the ammo.

So, one day I was chatting with him and we were dispensing our pleasantries — the “hi’s”, the “how are you’s” — when he hit me with the hee:

“YOU.ARE.WELCOME. http://www.reverbnation.com/shugaree”

Yeah, despite your presumptuous statement, Panda… I do gotta say: Thank you. Muchly. Jerk.

So, without ANY further ado, Pinchers… I present to you, Shugaree.

BETTER Live Commentary:

0:05 – Just 5 seconds in and I HAVE to note the Alanis-level IRONY of the title. I’mma just let that marinate.

0:11 – (._. ) … ( ._.) … (._.) So, um… well, at least we can see the lyrics. So, um… we can, um… sing along! But, let’s take a moment to assess this opening line, “We have got to better with the things we got to do…” Oh, aiight. Deep.

0:12 – TELL me this ain’t a Powerpoint Presentation from Windows ’98.

0:23 – So, lemme pause and let ya’ll know that this song apparently exists to assist efforts with the Gulf Oil Spill clean-up, which is great, but um muh ruh… where is the charity for this song, tho?!

0:31 – Ya’ll hear her stumbling on “responsibility?!” It’s like in the middle of the word she almost decided to change it to another word because she was on Thesaurus (dot) com, but then she’s like “YOLO”* and kept it movin’…

0:38 – The “GET TOGETHER” was capitalized, but she shole said it as monotonous and “eh” as she’s singing the rest of the song, so…

0:39 – Also, — and I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this before — THIS MUSIC. It’s totally on some incompatibility mess. It don’t even GO wif with this song, ya’ll! The music and this song mixes like oil and water. Wait… not THAT kind of oil. WELP. Totally just ran into that bad pun… *whistles*

0:44 – I swear she singing these lyrics like a 3rd grader who has to read a book in front of the class and happens to come across a few words (s)he doesn’t know.

1:08 – Ok, I figured it out. She recording this on the toilet after eating Taco Bell, ain’t she?

1:14 – Her “come on now” adlib didn’t even sound like an adlib because, once again, it sounded JUST like every other bit of the song! AND I have no desire to come on now… or later. Hype fail.

1:31 – Ya know, saying we gotta do better for the things we gotta do is some PRESSURE like a mug. Think about it… you’ve already been assigned something you GOTTA do now this mofo tryna tell you to do it better? Lawd.

1:37 – O_O Chile, NO. NO. NO. NO. THE OPPOSITE OF YES.

1:57 – Ok, I BUST out laughing at the “QUIT BLAMING THE PRESIDENT MAKE IT SAFE” sign. You TELL ‘em Bulah and Thelma!

1:58 – 2:02 – Um, they ain’t provide lyrics for this part. And this part needed lyrics more than ANY of the other parts because I can only conclude that she was singing in tongues. But, yeah… what’s done is done.

2:20 – Seriously. Did she get this music from the cell phone holding music catalogue? I SWEAR I heard this one time while I was waiting for my outsourced customer service rep.

2:28 – She tryna do that “sexy and passionate” thing with her voice they did in the 90s. Yeah… no.

2:57 – That awkward moment when the singer’s voice is sadder than the images that are being displayed…

3:07 – Did they just put up a framed picture from the Liquidator’s sale of a furniture store, tho?????

3:15 – Is that her man?

3:50 – She. Cons-ti-pa-ted.

3:59 – So, they just said, “eff the lyrics”, at this point, huh? I guess this the freestyle part of the song…

4:07 – BULAH AND THELMA AGAIN! HAY, MAMAS! Wait… *leans toward computer screen* Those ARE both women, right? (kinda skeptical about the one on the left) *squints some more* Yeah, I think so… okay. LADIES, YOU BETTA WERK!

4:17 – At first glance… totally thought that was cocaine. But, um… what is it?

4:68 – LOL, with that “hey heyyy HAYheyyyy” riff she just did, she totally sounded like three different people. Maybe she wants to be a girl group now.

4:42 – Awww!!! Cheeks luh da kids.

4:47 – “Unlike the recent natural disasters, the Gulf Oil Spill was manmade. That still doesn’t stop the fact that it will affect us.” Girl, WHAT?! What type of argument is that??? LMAO. Um, who even questioned that a manmade disaster would affect us? If anything, they’re likely to affect us in a MORE deadly way in some instances. Why was this included? What… was the point… there?

4:53 – “Directly or indirectly.” Aw, snap! That was deep, yo. She dropped that, what? KNOWLEDGE. She learned ya’ll somethin’ right there.

4:53 – “Sooner or later.” … Ok, how many addenda (ya’ll see that Latin plural swag I had to look up on Google?) gon’ pop up now? Lawd.

4:59 – It’s TIME for this song to end… in fact, it’s lonnnnnnnng overdue.

5:08 – Are ya’ll wondering how much was donated? Because I SHOLE am. Pure curiosity. *sips tea*

Well… dayum.

Pinchers, what ya’ll think of this charitable effort? You want her to perform at schools and events in your community, dont’cha? Mmmhmm.

Happy Friday!

Love ya like President Obama (publicly) loves equal marriage rights,

Cheekie

*I’m totally and fully aware that the YOLO acronym wasn’t around at this time, but the saying itself shole was so… YOLO.

Friday Foolery: A WiFi WTF

Lemme tell ya’ll a little secret. Come closer. Riiiiiight there. Ok, stop. This is getting creepy.

Even before starting this Friday Foolery series, I had quite a few ideas on what to feature. Ideas that I STILL haven’t gotten to yet. I figured this series could and would go on and on because foolery is as sure as death and taxes. Foolery material will always be there and more and more will keep coming. I was never worried about that. And as time went on, ya’ll — my lovely Pinchers — would keep tweeting, emailing, sending carrier pigeons of foolery so that I could add my commentary to it. Thanks for that by the way. And thank you for being a friend.

Every now and then, I happen to come across a situation in the middle of the week after I had already decided on that week’s Friday Foolery. And well… it’s SO epically foolish that it totally trumps the one I had in mind.

Pretty sure you get where I’m going at this point. Yup, that particular situation applies here.

I was on Twitter when I saw this, from St. Lunatic (or on Twitter, @280PROOF… at least for NOW. That ninja stay changing his name. Talk about “change we can believe in”… sheesh.):

“Remember the commercial where the guy brought his desktop to the coffee shop? Yea. That’s happening. Right here. Right now.”

Of course that piqued my interest because well, when does that EVER happen in real life? And if it does, why can’t it happen to me! I was jealous! But, the skeptic in me (the one who needs for you to have more people) raised an eyebrow as I read a few more of his tweets:

“I can’t believe this. He’s unwrapping his keyboard now. #niggashit“
“He is gonna be PISSED when he finds out they’re closing in an hour for renovations”
“The worst part? It’s an iMac. Them joints AT LEAST $1500, right?”
“I’m gonna find a way to surreptitiously twitpic.”
“he just asked me how to connect to the internet. On the new-model iMac he just unpacked inside this store. This isn’t happening.”
“St. Louis. St. Louis. Never a shortage of stories.”
“This is a whole nother level of foolishness. @whoisyoungblood cant even top this shit.”
“They shoulda neva gave you ninjas Apple products.”
“I just walked over and showed him how to turn on his wifi. I can’t believe this. This can’t be happening.”
“he and his sister are now watching WSHH videos. I’m in Clayton (rich suburb). I can’t.”
“but we not even remotely in an appropriate location RT @NicknotNikki @me .like he came in Starbucks specifically to floss his hoodrichness..”
“like I would expect this shit at the mall Starbucks. I’m in a small neighborhood Starbucks, in an affluent area. Where they come from???”

And I read the play-by-play with amusement as I eagerly awaited the picture tweet. Then…

“X___X http://t.co/8TZvZUv“

Yeah… this:

 

 – What in the iHell?!
 – Now, come on. Ya’ll. My peoples my peoples. My fellow Appleheads. Steve Jobs (may he rest in peace) did NOT present his cherished treasures to the world wearing his best mockneck and jean set so that ya’ll ninjas could bring an ENTIRE desktop into Starbucks like it’s portable or some ish.

St. Lunatic immediately @’d me on Le Twitter and proclaimed it Friday Foolery. I can’t even be mad, because it’s true. It is Friday Foolery as those who have been reading this post can plainly see. He wrapped it up with this:

“WSHH video paused. . . brows furrowed. . never has sharing an outlet @ starbucks been so risky”

Word. Annnnd that sums it up. This is Cheekola reporting. Have a good evening. Stay classy, San Diego.

Pinchers, what do you make of this hot sizzling mess? Getcho cousins.

Love ya like beans love cornbread,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Yes Yes Ya’ll And Ya Don’t Stop

“I Used To Love H.E.R.” One of my favorite songs by my boo, Common. It brilliantly illustrates his love of hip-hop by using the metaphor of a dope chick. This song is hip-hop and hip-hop is this song.

So, it comes to absolutely no surprise that this song automatically popped into my head when my lowkey hair crush homie Pincher, fuzzytele* tweeted me the following video, which claims to also be hip-hop:

This Is Live Commentary:

0:04 – LOL, oh lawd…

0:05 – WHAT. ARE. THEY. DOING.

0:07 – Ya’ll see the intensity in Justin Bieber’s auntie eyes, tho???

0:10 – Oh, she got a name. Hey, Deena. Or Dina. Or D33na. Whatever. Can I ask you somethin’? Why you got on a goalie shirt? I half expect a commentator to be like, “GOLLLLLLLLLLL”** later on in the video.

0:12 – Wow, she just gettin’ right to it! Talmbout look at her feet. *looks*

0:18 – Let’s talk about how her accent sounds country and Idaho-ish*** at the same time. But, back to her feet. She over there explaining why you DON’T want your feet straight ahead. She wants you to turn ‘em out like Charlie Brown an’nem.

0:20 – Look at her shoulders go! That’s how you make it look like hip-hop. Wait… that’s how hip-hop LOOKS?! The entire essence of hip-hop?! The very idea of it?! Wow, mystery of the universe… solved.

0:24 – “The thing with hip-hop is that everything’s down low.” Um… pause. She done called out every bit of the hip-hop culture. Dry snitch!!!

0:31 – Why did she randomly appear with that jacket she got from Walgreens, tho?

0:34 – Awww, she tellin’ us her childhood stories so that we can be sympathetic to her. Protagonist swag.

0:37 – She just THREW that jacket to the ground. I have a feeling that is a symbol of rebellion, because well…

0:38 – “… ya know what, I won’t stand up straight.” AWWWWWW snap crackle AND pop! You better ROLL your neck, figuratively, Deena/Dina!

0:44 – I seriously guffawed here. She was like, “Hit. AH. Hit. UH.” I guess that’s her version of the “boom kack.” And those shoulders won’t QUIT!

0:47 – “The more relaxed you are, that’s what makes it hip hop.” Now, I gotta agree with her here. What makes rhythm so fluid is that it’s effortless. But, for some reason, her moves don’t scream “relaxed” to me. Despite her “relaxed” arms, she still look like she tryin too hard. LOL

0:53 – WTF was that?! Ya’ll saw that thrown-in random clip, right? And then she just went back to teaching? Did I imagine this? She was like, “And this the first thing I’m gonna say to ya’ll, if you wanna do hip-hop, you gotta stand like this.” *cheesy urban pose* Oh, aiight…

0:57 – THAT’S the hip-hop head, huh. So, for all ya’ll new new ninjas that say you’re a hip-hop head, you BEST pay homage to Deena/Dina.

0:58 – The hip-hop head going up and down, tho…

1:01 – Awwww snap, she just did the “you got served” hands… WITH the “ahhhhhh” exhalation. STEP. to her.

1:06 – Now leanback. LEANback. LEANback. LEANback.

1:07 – 1:12 – dljfldfjdfidrufweodjmdslfjdlsfjsdofjsdlkfdljlksd

1:18 – Ya’ll got that? Ah. Straight. AH. Straight. No homo.

1:26 – Here we go with another “one time at band camp” story… wayment. OMG, NO BAGGY PANTS AND NO SNEAKERS?! That’s not hip-hop, is it??? Lawd, DeenaDina, PLEASE tell us you told them bout themselves!

1:29 – “…and, and, I just didn’t know what to think about that.” *quick cut back to teaching.* … ( -_-)

1:30 – “I took these from an African piece.” Oh, herewego…

1:36 – Sooooooo lemme get this 180 degrees straight. In Africa, the move is done with closed-fists, but in hip-hop (which is a continent now #also #aswell, I guess…) it’s done with your fingers spread out? Gotcha.

1:37 – Yes, a BIG difference.

1:38 – 1:44 – Hmmm… k.

1:50 – Ok, seriously who edited this?! LMAO But, I love how she had to let ya’ll know that this (this, being hip-hop I’m sure) is her. This who she is. Ain’t no 3 dolla bills here!

1:54 – Did this lady just say she’s into “points” a lot?

1:58 – *points with various pops and locks* THE DEF JAM.

2:08 – Ya’ll she spoke that WORD just now. She said hip-hop is in here (ya’ll heart), so it can NEVER go out. It can never go what? OUT. Shouldaboughtahonda.

2:12 – WOW, oh DeenaDina, Duchess of Rappity Rap****, please teach me that intricate and magical dance step you just did.

2:18: If she interrupt with some “pearl of wisdom” (more like gold-plated chain of ignance) ONE MO’ ‘GAIN…

2:21 – LMAO, how she gon’ say, “I’mma tell ya another thing that makes hip-hop, hip-hop”, then cut to those frantic dancers, the very opposite of what hip-hop will ever be?

2:40 – o_O Yeah, guess who else lookin’ at you like you crazy…

2:43 – OF COURSE she did the B-boy pose! Because that is… um, what’s it called again? I forgot because she didn’t mention it enough in the video.

2:47 – Peace. She out!

No no, ya’ll… PLEASE stop.

Pinchers, what you think of Deena/Dina’s tutorial on all hip-hop airthang? Would you take one of her classes? Because who I’m talmbout ya’ll is hip-hop.

Love ya like President Obama loves sign language,

Cheekie

*And SHE said she got the video from her father. YESSSS! Parents passing down foolery to their children is what our forefathers fought for. Or something. #teamPapafuzzytele
**My favorite part of soccer, aside from actually playing/watching the game.
***Idahoshit.
****Alise’s loving term for “rap.” Stolen. *Jadakiss laugh*

Friday Foolery: (Two) Colors Of The Wind

So, I got two gifts from Alise and Bee.

… and it’s not even my birfday. No Rihanna. Hi Rihanna.

And due to the ancient mathematical equation, “sharing = caring”, I figured I’d share with ya’ll. And this gift is allegedly a “love song message you can dance to.” EVERYbody loves that!

The gift? Sean Fury. Any and everyone needs him in their lives. You’re welcome and I’m sorry.

Without further ado…

Jungle Feverish Live Commentary:

0:05 – “The Legend of Sean Fury”, doe? Here we go…

0:09 – Fury, you better WEAR your finest maroon linen suit for this performance!

0:11 – O_O Oh, he got right into it, didn’t he??

0:14 – Yo, look at the dudes wearing the orange tees in the back. Especially ol’ boy on the right. You see his neck twerking? Straight pop n’ lockin’ from the neck up. He is feelin’ it!!

0:23 – Oh lawd!!! *tears forming* He is already doing the most and this is just the lead-up…

0:28 – Ya know, out of ALL the first lines of songs I’ve heard, I never would’ve guessed “She’s bi-racial…” to exist as one. I don’t know why, but I wouldn’t.

0:39 – So, Sean Fury kinda looks like Clifton Powell’s and Bruh-Man’s hypothetical love child.

0:44 – He wasn’t kidding when he said you could dance to it. He’s like Chris Brown, actively twerking to a slow song, except, ya know… uncle-age.

1:08 – This dude STRAIGHT up made a “tragic mulatto” song. *falls out* “She has to choose one side.” ?????????? Mariah Carey circa 1990s, are you listening to this mess?!!

1:18 – That high note, doe. And by “high”, I mean that was his state of being when he thought he could hit said note.

1:26 – There are MORE than two people being subjected to this?! Hell, I thought 2 was too much. ZERO is too much. And I’m mad he up in somebody’s non-profit art museum performing this.

1:45 – Hol’ up. Did he say, “She’s not an average girl, she’s like a diamond pearl.” Hmmmm???? Please confirm… actually scratch that, please prove me wrong since I know I sorta have bad ears. PLEASE correct me.

1:48 – He winked. At me. Actually… no, at YOU. *runs away*

1:52 – NOT the “R&B group 180 degree arc finger point!!” A term, of which, I totally made up just now out of pure ignorance of the official term, if there is one.

2:21 – Dude totally drew something in the air just now. Like, he straight up played a quick game of “Pictionary” whilst performing this song.

2:26 – LMFAO!!!!! Did he just go over to that dude (who was neck-jammin’ in his seat earlier) and flirt wif him? And got totally rejected on some, “o_O, why you over here?” ish? Lemme stop being dramatic. He prolly just went over there and said, “Watch this…” leading to…

2:27 – … whateverthehellthatdancebreakwas.

2:45 – Ya’ll saw that chick in the background smiling like, “He talmbout me and my good hurr”, right? Ok.

2:49 – LOL, she straight up gave her girl (next to her) dap because she KNOW he sanging to her.

3:00 – Wayment. These background vocals. I straight up thought it was bad dubbing or something. LOL

***I paused the video JUST to say the lady in black & white (I SEE what she did there with that choice of outfit!! o_O) looks like Liza Minnelli. Ok, resume…***

3:16 – Hol’ up! Ya’ll saw his mouth moving as if he was singing some epic note? I ain’t hear NONE of that. Just this random background track that came in. WHAT is going on? Ya know what… I shoulda asked that question lonnnnnng ago.

3:22 – Dude in the back snappin’ his fangers with his neck rolls now.

3:26 – No, he didn’t BOW like he the Karate Kid or some ish. And dude in the back mimicked him. Ok, I’m calling it. That’s Sean Fury’s protege. He prolly gonna call himself, Shawn Rage.

Lawd.

But, that’s not all! Click here. Watch. Discuss. Once again, you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

Have a great weekend!

Love ya like polar bears love Coca Cola,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Baby (Foolish) Fever

The past few weeks have had an obvious theme in my life: babies.

With a cousin-in-law (is that what you call a sister of your bro-in-law who is called that because he with your sister? … ya know what, this gets confusing and it’s why us Black folks call airbody their cousin) giving birth, a dear friend announcing her pregnancy, finding the DOPE “Children With Swag” Tumblr, and this fool telling me THIS how my son gon’ look like, I can’t even escape the baby fever.

And I’m not even sure I wanna escape… hell, they cute. Very cute. Especially when I get to return them to their parents. Return to sender!!

*rereads some of that up there*

…

Um. Nawl, this ain’t an announcement that I’m having a mini-Cheeks. Ya’ll know dayum well if I was, it would be Hayseuss Himself. Sure, I’d love a kid in the future and name him Simba, and I’m not entirely sure when that’ll happen, but I do know one thing…

I would not, could not… will not send out a baby shower invitation that even slightly resembles this:

*Pic Props to Keisha Brown*

– O_o… COME. GET. YO. COUSIN.

– “About To Pop”, doe. And using a popcorn theme. TELL me that ain’t genius. And classy. -_-

– Ya know, this theme reminds me of a circus… which is SO very apropos.

– Ma’khi. There go that infamous errant apostrophe again. Please tell me… at what point in history did this become the go-to symbol for our people’s names? Does it make it fancier? Prettier? Do folks enjoy the pause it requires, making us spend more time on saying the name? It’s still Black History Month, so learn me somethin’, ya’ll.

Pinchers, how ya’ll like this theme? Is it a hot mess or did I inadvertently give you a baby shower idea? Both ideas are welcome here. I’m a fool, such a fool for you.

Love ya like the GOP loves to dictate a chick’s uterus,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: A Disney Dummy

Or should I say, “A Disney Dumbo.” Tee hee!!!

… ( ._.)

Anyhow.

I love fusion. Basically, I love when two things join together to form this perfect marriage. Like Disney/Pixar! Or smash/bang (smang)!

There are two particular things I especially love that I always welcome to join in a union: ratchedness and Disney. Or #RatchetDisney, as I’ve dubbed on the Twittuhs. Which, between that and Tumblr, I’ve definitely found such Disney Ratchedness. The hilarious pictures (w/ ratched captions) featuring Disney themes, the “Simba” adult meme… lawd, the list (much like the beat) goes on.

Even seeing those, I never would’ve predicted something like this. What is this? Well…

I logged onto Gchat a few days ago and Alise immediately presented me with a World Star Hip Hop (yeah, “uh-oh”, already) link. She claimed she was eager for me to log on. I’m thinkin’, it must be really perfect. Ninja, it shole was. I promptly told her that it must be the next Friday Foolery, thus eff any other topic. It was that serious.

Three words: Lion King Bounce. Yes, this exists. My favorite gottdayum Disney movie turned into a silly dance. WHO would create something like this? Why, Mr. Ghetto, of course! I had his messy self up here on this blog before. Welcome back, Sir Ghetto…

The Circle of Live Commentary:

0:05 – Oh, lawd. The epic Lion Kang opening goon call. And these bishes walking around in their finest animal-print spandex jumpsuits from Citi Trends.

o:17 – So, um, would Mr. Ghetto be “Mufasa” or “Simba” in this here scenario? I mean, he’s obviously the king because all the “lionesses” are searching for him. And, yes, I know this due to their superb video-girl acting skills.

0:19 – I cannot imagine what historic monument had to suffer the fate of appearing in this video. Ya’ll know where they at? I only say historic monument because lion statues usually seem to grace the front of important places like the Art Institute of Chicago. Like, if you see lion statues, that place of establishment is on some official ish…

0:25 – Yeah, Mr. Ghetto, I know you da Lion Kang, but if you remember correctly there were technically TWO lion kings featured in the film so I’mma need you to be a bit more specific. For research purposes. Maybe we’ll see a human version of “Scar” to clear things up here…

0:27 – I’m sorry. Did this creature call himself the lion king because he is smanging in a manner similar to an animal that leaves in the wild kingdom? Did I hear that correctly? … Hmm. K.

0:33 – This dude smanging like lions, tigers, AND bears. Watch out, National Geographic!

0:36 – Oh yeah, this is definitely a Mr. Ghetto production. There go the booties!

0:46 – Wayment. This dance looks EXACTLY like the Wally Wally World dance. I’ve been bamboozled! Hoodwinked! … *as I keep watching*

0:54 – They done actually climbed the trees to do this dance. Dedication like a mug.

1:05 – OMG, featuring Timon?! YASSSSSSSSS! Smart move. Because Timon is known for droppin’ heat on singles. -_-

1:09 – This lady crawling. I wonder if her name is Amber Dandelion or something.

1:22 – AH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m not even finna admit how I started bouncing to this part. Not at all.

1:39 – This dude implementing “Hakuna Matata” in here, too. This is entirely too much. But, hey, no worries…

1:55 – Is that Chris Tucker?? The person in the leopard leggings. Oh wait, nawl, he ain’t that skinny no mo’…

2:23 – No, they do NOT have this lady singing “Circle of Life.” Like, that verse was on some “chuuch” status and they got it in this song? I can’t!

2:36 – This video reminds me of the seizure-esque effects of Kanye’s “All of The Lights” music video, except replacing lights with booties.

2:40 – Crouch like a lioness. Oh, aiight.

2:43 – Did he say pounce?? I’ll never look at Nala the same way again…

2:52 – This wifebeater’d ninja is POPPIN’ IT ON A HANDSTAND.  *exits the entire internet*

3:13 – No, I did not hear the hype man (or DJ?) in the background say “You a genius…!” Nope. Couldn’t have heard that.

3:17 – For some reason, the fact that the swinging tire is there made this entire thing art. Like, swinging tires have nothing to do with jungles. Yet, it makes sense here. Prolly because this entire thing is nonsense.

Pinchers, what you think of the Lion King Bounce? A hot new dance at the club? Remember to crouch like a lioness. Happy Friday!

Love ya like Cheers patrons love Norm,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Don’t-Rag

Women have a plethora of accessories that can upgrade their look. From hair weaves to lip gloss (that be poppin’), there is a quite lengthy list of things that aid us in getting closer to dimepiece status.

While the list is a tad bit shorter (and by “tad bit”, I mean “WAY”) for men, it does exist after all. But, no enhancing accessory is more prevalent in the Y-chromosome crew than… the du-rag.

o__________O <– don’t look at me like that!

Don’t eeem try to tell me you don’t know at least 1 ninja whose sole purpose in life is to look like the ninja on an S-Curl box. You can’t tell a ninja NUFFIN when he got those waves, yo. Swag be on several hundred thousand trillions.

Now, while I do see several guys wearing them, I NEVER would’ve guessed I’d see ‘em here:

Hit up HotHipHopDetroit here for more info (and their title is SOOOO apropos)

A few thoughts and side-eyes…

– SCURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (record scratch)

– You mean to tell me that ya’ll mofos out here giving specialty du-rags with a bottle of gottdayum gin?!

– I do have to admit that I was like, “Yeah, Seagrams WOULD do this” when I first saw it on the Twittuh. Like, they know exactly who to target because, well, they know their primarily hood audience.

– o__O … o_________O (told ya I’d have some side-eyes)

This did get me to thinking, doe. What if other products offered something “free inside” on some kiddie cereal steez? And what if they were as silly as this? Of course that got me dreaming (not of a White Christmas… yet)…

– iPhone w/ free autocorrect app that makes EVERY letter “i” lowercase and combines it with the word next to it in a sentence, no matter what you’re typing. Even the Terms & Conditions will have “iAgree” or “iDon’t Agree” at the end.

– Nutella jar w/ free “Deez Nutella” t-shirt.

– Xbox 360 w/ free shopping-spree gift card to give to your girl while you play “Call of Duty” all day.

– Pair of Louboutin shoes w/ free foot massage… you’ll probably need it.

– Ciroc bottle w/ free camera so you can take pictures of it and post them to Twitter. -_-

Pinchers, what do you think about the Seagram’s free du-rag promotion? Are you gonna buy some JUST for the du-rag? And what other products do you think should have promotions like these? Go crazy with it!

Enjoy your weekend!

Love ya like Ashton and Demi STILL love each other (don’t worry, ya’ll!),

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Yes Shave November

Ya’ll heard of No Shave November? <– Click that link if you haven’t. Even if you have, I bet the Internets will take over your subconscious, causing you to click the link anyway. Because that’s what happens on the internets.

Basically, it’s a campaign for men’s health issues (such as prostate cancer) awareness. Since I’m bout that “eff cancer” life, I love the idea and fully support it.

What does this have to do with foolishness? Well, nothing really, but since I don’t have a segway*, I figured I’d use it as a segue. o____O

Segue into what, you (didn’t) ask? Well…

– O____________O

– Is this even hair?! I’m 72% convinced that this is a tattoo. This entire thing. On his head, too.

– In WHAT world are ninjas tryna get that Ken doll neatness with their facial hair in real life? Oh wait… this one. *flings self off bridge*

– What I’m extra mad at is how this Barbershop website is supposedly advertising this as if it’s something to advertise. I bet NOT find out that more than 1 person has this on their face. Hell, 1 is too much already.

– If it’s not a tat, then it HAS to be that tar slick that Jermaine Jackson uses on his head.

I’m done. WELL done. Like a burnt steak.

Pinchers, what ya’ll think of this fellow’s fresh ‘do? Do you think he looks like a ripe plum fool or is he lookin’ proper for a night out with a wifey chick? Or D, none of the above?

Have a great weekend. Oh! And Happy Lehm Lehm Lehm.

Love ya like Chicago loves to have multiple seasons in one day,

Cheekie

*I don’t want one.

Friday Foolery: Where Dey Do Dat At?

Hey, Pinchers. It’s been quite the long week.

Today’s Friday Foolery will be a quickie. Hee. Don’t worry, it’ll be worf it. That’s what he said.

This is brought to you by the eSis, L Boogie. So, without further uh-doo…

100 Dolla Bills Ya’ll – Montal Jordan “This Is How We Do It”

This Is How We Do Live Commentary:

0:00 – Before we get to the gettin’ to, let the reh-CORD show that this was my JAM. Still get hype to it. But, picture a mini Cheeks doing the Butterfly (I know that’s old and you wanna see me do the Tootsie Roll, but it WAS way back in the day), cheesin’ like a mug and singing along. Bliss! Ok…

0:03 – Oh, so ya’ll really gone let Milton from “Office Space” sing Montell via karaoke? Aiight…

0:05 – Ya’ll SEE that Aaliyah side-bang?! Girl, you betta show us how to do it! #payhomage

0:10 – He obviously has fans. And he’s hamming it up, too with the diva-tude hand gestures.

0:13 – Oooh, interpretive singing/hand gestures! Yup, I automatically love him.

0:26 – He is swerving that neck from side to side like he just got paid, too. I ain’t mad.

0:37 – I see he got his shirt buttoned ALLA-WAY to the top, but is that stopping him from rolling that neck and giving his all? No sirree, Bob the Builder. Think about this whenever you feel like you should half-ass something.

0:44 – I’m mad at the karaoke CD background folks singing “this is how we do it.” Them ninjas sound like a bunch of accountants or something.

1:03 – He NAILED the “…all hands are in the ay-yah, you wave it from here to thay-yah!”" part. That is how you rep for Montell’s flavoricious self.

1:12 – Yes, the hood has definitely been good to him. Obviously. Look at him!

1:19 – He said “100 dolla bills ya’ll!” with the most constipated conviction I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, he was STRAINING. This is serious business to him.

1:34 – Ok, I see this was uploaded in 2008, but I hope two things. 1. Oasis Karaoke still exists. 2. This guy is still a frequent visitor.

But, seriously, doe… is this how we do it? If so, I’m done. Have a fabulous weekend ya’ll!

Love ya like chameleons love camouflage pants (wait.. .what?),

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Forever, Forever Ever, Forever Ever?

I love tales. Tall tales, folktales, Ducktales (woo ooh!), TaleSpin, Tales From The Crypt (I actually kinda hated this show)… basically I luh me some stories.

As someone who loves to write them, I always have a special affinity for those who can write them well. Since I’m multifaceted, I also have a special affinity for those who cannot write them well, yet still manage to entertain me.

The following is an example of the latter (click pic to enlarge):

Props to SteenFox’s Tumblr

What in the bootleg Aesop hell is this?!!

I cannot even describe to ya’ll the absolute epic gigglefit I experienced while reading this. Like, it was the kind that transitioned into choking coughs that eventually led to the point where I had to drink a glass of water so that I wouldn’t actually perish.

Let’s break this down line-by-line…

– “A gurl was walkin 2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode.” Now, I know I STAY writing phonetically on my blog posts so I’m gonna PRETEND “skewl” was written in jest or as a shout-out to Baltimore or some ish. I can’t explain crossin no dayum “rode”, doe…

– “she sed ‘bbz will u luv me 4evr” I’m just gonna assume this is the point in which they were texting each other. Also, before I eventually settled on “babes”, I thought “bbz” had something to do with Justin Bieber.

– “he said ‘NO…’” AW SNAP!

– “…” I imagined a dissolve here. Nice transition. ( ._.)

– “da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.” Um, what green man? The Boogeyman?! That ninja back like Tupac? And why is he coming on the “sine?” Is he teaching a Trigonometry class or something?

– “boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.” Oh, wow, this is becoming quite heartbreaking. I hope he realizes that whoever this mathematical green man is probably doesn’t have fingerprints and that if he touches her, The Man gone blame HIM. I’m just sayin’…

– “she was ded.” My reaction can only be expressed here.

– “he whispered 2 her corpse ‘I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever… ‘ (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr)” I’m not EEEEEM bout to try to explain how they spelled “corpse” correctly, but not “more.” But forget all’at. Nicca, FIVE-EVER?! Five gottdayum ever?! ROTFLMFAOC.R.E.A.M. I am in tears, ya’ll!!! That is so brilliant, their electric bill is off the charts. And I love how they explained it in parenthesis for those that might not get it. Eff a subtlety. They trying to be on their “the more you know” steez. Knowledge is power that no one man should have all of.

– “xxx~*…LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIME…~*xxx” Well, I would be lyin’ if I said I DIDN’T cry… it was just preceded by hysterical laughter. Prollllly not what they were goin’ for…

Sidenote: Typing that resulted in beaucoup red squiggly lines. I’m sure my Macbook (#payhomage to Steve Jobs) is lookin’ like… “Bish, you need Speak N Spell like a mug!”)

Now, as they say, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Truth like Sojourner. So, in the spirit of that infamous proverb, I’m going to break out my writing skills and write a different version of the above story, with a bit of a twist. I hope I do it justice. Let’s just say this version is a “proper translation” for a different demographic…

A young maiden decided to take a stroll with her loved one. As they traipsed across the cobblestone road, the maiden inquired, “My love, will you adore me forever?” He stared deeply upon her eyes and whispered a simple, “No.” Ellipses. The forlorn maiden broke into tears and darted across the road when a mysterious fellow, draped in the essence of jade, suddenly appeared. [insert obvious missing pieces here] As her body lain lifeless, the boy sobbed and attempted to lift her. He then whispered to her decomposing flesh, “I intended to declare that I will love you Five-ever…” (and the fourth wall shall be broken to inform you that he adores her far greater than “four”-ever). Fin.
[Please declare your approval should the above story cause you to weep whenever it is told]

*curtsies*

Pinchers, how ya’ll like the story? Did you cry? If you didn’t, you’re a monster. Have a great weekend, you monster.

Love ya like Sarah Palin loves making a non-Presidential announcement that no one cares about,

Cheekie