Friday Foolery: Seussian Silliness

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My FAVORITE Dr. Seuss book of all time is Green Eggs & Ham.

Now, what does that have to do with the price of chai tea in Starbucks that’s checked in via Foursquare? And why am I talmbout that when there’s foolery to be had on this here Friday?

Wellllll…

Green Eggs and Ham just so happens to be my inspiration for today. And it all started from a random convo. Yes, random. I know, surprise of the century, knowing me.

And the random convo was with the ninja I love to hate, Panama Jackson. I know! Random and PJ?! WHAAAAAA? -_-

It was so dayum random, I forgot what even PROMPTED this, but PJ said something about “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.” So, I then wondered if that book would one day become one of the Seussian book-to-movies. And THEN, I expressed how much I want the next film to be my fave, Green Eggs and Ham.

This is where it gets good.

Well, being my typo-ridden self, I actually typed GREENS Eggs and Ham and backspaced real quick. Freudian slip, perhaps. And since I’m never one to let a typo go by without saying something silly about it (seriously, anyone who GChats with me can attest to this mess), I came up with an idea.

To make a hood Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham.

-_______________-

I even threw around some lines and said that I’d make the star character, Sam-I-am… Sam-L-Jackson-I-am. And have him offer the food to a white person who had never had it before.

Ya’ll, word of advice. Never give me any inch because I’ll be SURE to take a mile.

So, because I fancy myself a writer and I love me some Seuss, I figured I’d write the entire parody using the exact model of the book. So, without further ado, I bring to you…

DR. CHEEKS’ GREENS EGGS AND HAM

I am Sam L Jackson.

Jackson L Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not eff with
that Sam-I-am!

Do you like you some greens, eggs and ham?

I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them here or there?

I would not eat them here or there.
I would not eat them any damn where.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them in a trap house?
Would you eat them with a mouse?

I do not want to even enter a trap house,
And please get an exterminator for that mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I ain’t tasting them anywhere!
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you eat them next to your bootleg Comcast box?
Would you eat them while twisting your locs?

Not with a cable box, not with… I don’t even HAVE locs!
Not in that trap house, or the infestation of a mouse.
I would not eat them here or there.
Trust me, I wouldn’t eat them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Would you? Could you? In a Maybach car?
Eat them, eat them!
Because I got… BARS!

I would not could not in an overly expensive car.

You may like them, you will see!
And if you eat them, you’ll be a G.

I would not, could not be a G,
I don’t have a Maybach car so let me be!

I do not like them with the cable box.
I do not like them with non-existent locs.
I do not like them in a trap house.
I do not like them with a rabies mouse.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

A train! A train!
Could you, would you c’mon ride a train?

Not in a train! Not to be a G!
No Maybach car, give me free!*

I would not, could not next to a bad cable box.
I would not, could not with white boy locs.
I will not eat them with that mouse.
I will not eat them in that dangerous house.
I will not eat them here nor there.
I won’t eat ‘em anywhere.
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
I am not here for greens, eggs and ham.

Aye!
In the dark?
After the streetlights go out, in the dark?
Would you, could you in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

Would you, could you with T-Pain?

Who? I would not, could not with T-Pain.
Not in the dark, not on a train.
Not in a car, I am not a G.
I’m not checking for them, Sam, you see?
Not in a trap house. Not with a cable box.
Not with a mouse, nor wearing any locs.
I will not eat them here or there.
I’m trying to tell you, not anywhere!

You don’t want my grandma’s greens eggs and ham?
I do not like ‘em, Sam-I-am.
Could you would you with a goat?
I would not, could not with a… where’d you get a goat?

Would you, could you wearing a chinchilla coat?

It’s summertime, I could not would not wear a chinchilla coat,
I will not, will not with this probably illegal goat.
I will not eat them with T-Pain, and not on a train.
Not in the dark, I’m too afraid, thus not a G.
Not in the stolen Maybach car, you let me be!
I do not like this cable box, nor would I look right in locs.
I’d get jumped on in the trap house, and I need a cat for that mouse.
I do not eat them here or there, I do not eat them ANYWHERE!

I do not like greens, eggs and ham.
I do not like them Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

You do not like them?
You need more people, I say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them please, since I quoted Jay.

Sam!
If you let me be,
I will try this hot mess
And you will see.

*he takes a bite of dem greens, eggs and ham and sees Jesus*

Aye!
I like me some greens, eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am.

And though it’s hot as hell, I’d eat ‘em wearing a chinchilla coat,
I’d eat them (but not share, ’cause this too damn good) with a goat,
And I will eat them with T-Pain (he ain’t gettin’ none either, this ain’t a game),
Eat them in the dark, and on a train.
And I’ll co-sign that Maybach car, because I’m a G.
These are — *smacks lips* — so, so good you see!
So, I’ll eat them with my new cable box,
I’ll eat them… um, with someone who has locs.
I’ll eat them and share (ain’t tryin’ to get jumped on) with the trap house
Even leave the crumbs for the mouse.
And I will eat them here and there,
YOLO! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

I do so love me some greens, eggs and ham.
Good lookin’ out, good lookin’ out,
Sam-L-Jackson-I-am.

Fin.

Have a good weekend, Pinchers! Have fun… and get me some help while ya’ll at it. Grazie.

Love ya like Katie Holmes loves her new-found freedom,

Cheekie

*I guess he’s claiming reverse racism with this line. (._.)