Oh, Keanu, you wise son of a bish.
Ah, the “friend zone.” These are two words often bemoaned by the male species. For women, though, this phrase is pretty much considered nonexistent or impossible… according to men, that is.
I just think it’s a matter of definition. While men only feel they’re out of the friend zone once they smang, I think women usually feel they’re out of the friend zone once they get that young “In a Relationship” Facebook status. Basically, it’s complicated. See what I did there? Do ya?! If you don’t, you need visual insurance. But, that’s another societal issue…
A semi-notreally-kinda-recent blog post written by P to the J over at Very Smart Brothas, entitled “And You Say She’s Just A Friend“, really stuck with me because it perfectly encapsulated friendships between most men and women. The frequent pop-ups of sexual innuendo, the copped feels, the too-long hugs… all’at. I experience that with guys all the time. And while to them, that kinda means that I’m not quite a platonic friend, to me, I’m thinking… well, what I see is also what I’m not. Their boo.
It makes me wonder, does the fact that they would consider smangage with me cancel out the fact that I’m just a friend even though they’re not really willing to take it to the next level? What part of the game is that?!
Don’t get me wrong, with most guys in my life, I’m perfectly content with just the good-natured banter and the “innocent” flirting. There’s always room for that. But, what about when I want more? Then the flirting doesn’t seem so innocent, it seems like mixed signals. You can’t say I’m like your sister in one sentence and then in the next sentence make lewd “that’s what she said” jokes off of every thing I say. WHO talks to their sister like that? Nawl… really. If you do, raise your hand.
All this got me thinking. There are certain common qualities that I have that may or may not keep me in the friend zone:
– The Funny Fem. This is probably the top quality that I have that makes me “cool” to many of you peen-wielding mofos. Yup, I’m the funny girl. I constantly make jokes and I’m downright goofy at times. I’ve heard and read many ninjas pontificating on how they want a chick with a good sense of humor, but sometimes I think that means “a girl who laughs at MY jokes, not necessarily tells them.” And since I love to laugh, oftentimes I do want a funny guy, but dayum ninja, I ain’t tryna compete with you, I want us to laugh together.
– The Laid-Back Lady. “You’re so laid-back and cool.” I’ve gotten that from dudes. While I can be dramatic about some things, most things I tend to shrug off and keep it moving and that’s a quality of mine that keeps guys flocking to me… to vent about their girls. … ( ._.) Oh. I’ve always been told I’m a good listener and able to perfectly assess situations, and hey, I embrace that. I’m a writer. Ya gotta be observant to be a good one. And for a ninja I care about and love, I’m always glad to help him out. He my boy. But, if I like-like him, that is whole ‘nother level of torture. It’s like dangling a carrot* in front of me that I can’t quite reach.
– The Tomboy Tina. The “tomboy” label has been a part of most of my life. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve showcased much more of my femininity, but that tomboy aura is always there. Basically, I’m the chick in the tight yoga pants that hugs my thighs and (other) cheeks ecstatically high-fiving a ninja when Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer performs a dope pick and roll combo. I’m at a time in my life where I’ve never been so confident to show off my curves, but I can also easily blend in a “homie” environment when none of that really matters. It’s quite the dichotomy…
Overall, I guess my main confusion stems from the fact that I’m not really so black or white. I’m not necessarily asexual (I’ve see ya’ll whiplash looks when I’m walking down the street, ninjas!), but I’m also not extra feminine, either. I don’t grunt and stratch my crotch with the boys, but I’m also not a stranger to “brother-bonding” activities, either. Maybe it’s because I don’t fit into one particular mold. Maybe I’m part of the confusion. But, that’s me…
All I’m hoping is that my goofy, good-listening, homie self can get more “yes” boxes checked in the “Will You Go With Me? – Yes, No, Maybe” form.
Pinchers, what say you? Guys, can you give me some insight? Are chicks like me doomed to the friend zone (or more accurately, the “not-quite-platonic-friend-but-not-girlfriend-zone-either”)? What will it take to get out of it? Gals, are you in the same position at times? Or is it all a crock of ish? Speak on it!
Love ya like the world loves Heidi Klum and Seal,
Cheekie
This whole “us being twins” thing?
It strikes again.
You’ve literally laid out exactly how I feel when it comes to the world of dating and relationships. I’m apparently/allegedly such a good friend that I can’t land a boyfriend. What part of the matrix is that?! I somehow feel that all of the qualities that make me a great girlfriend (if I even remember *how* to be in a relationship) make dudes go the other way.
I’ve got that tomboy thing going for me as well. If you’ve ever even hung out with me in real life, you know I prefer sneakers to heels, and jeans to skirts…that’s just me. But apparently that may be why I’m always a homie…
*shrug*
Anyways, great post. We shall discuss more on the gchat today!
“I’m apparently/allegedly such a good friend that I can’t land a boyfriend.”
Pretty much. I’m not sure if they’re afraid they’ll lose the good friend and being their boo isn’t worth the risk, but it’s frustrating.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are chicks out there that HAVE all these qualities and are boo’d up, but I just notice a pattern… lol
Ugh, I fell alllll dis! I remove myself from that place considering I was in it for about 13 yrs to end in a catastrophic explosion! So, before I feel that grey area coming, I QUICKLY remove myself from it. Either this is, or this isn’t, there is no in between. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely welcome male friends, but before they decide to put me in that, “not quite platonic, but we ain’t boo-thangs” I put them in a friend zone which says, you CANNOT 1) come over to cuddle with me 2) say lewd, smanging ambition inspired comments 3) call me baby, boo, sweet thang, wifey, future wifey or whatever other names you can come up with. It’s just not happening.
Clearly, your break brought you back swinging. Great post!!!
Glad you enjoyed my comeback post! lol
Maybe men are right when they say women are masochists, because if I keep “finding” myself in this situation, I’m certainly one. But, the way I feel, I genuinely enjoy some of these guy’s company, so why let ‘em go? lol
being in the friend zone is like be a bi-racial kid. its hard to fit in with either side of family. It ain’t impossible though. I think all the qualities that you describe for yourself would make most cats what to “smangage” <that word is going into my vocabulary immediately.
The thing that keeps most women, in the friend zone is the fact that most dudes don't know a girl is down if she ain't throwing it at him and when she throws it at him, he don't want it no more. Unless we have the confidence to deal with rejection or the kahunas to lose a frienship if we take it the next level, the friend zone is where you stay, until it plays out like a MJB song – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX3wwbFi_iI
“The thing that keeps most women, in the friend zone is the fact that most dudes don’t know a girl is down if she ain’t throwing it at him and when she throws it at him, he don’t want it no more.”
Verrrrry interesting…
Funny Fem, The Laid-Back Lady, Tomboy Tina…this is all me! I hadn’t really paid much attention to whether or not I’ve been friend-zoned before until I read this post. It seems those three qualities that have me in the friend zone for some have been the same ones that have gotten me out of the friend zone. Eh! Either way, I’m still gonna crack jokes, stay chill and get excited when a fresh pair of Dunks are on my feet when I’m not all guzzied up.
“It seems those three qualities that have me in the friend zone for some have been the same ones that have gotten me out of the friend zone.”
What’s interesting is that this does happen. I mean, hey, me being ME gets me a date in the first place. And hell, that’s all I can be.
In my experience the infamous and barren quagmire of feelings known as the friend zone is an excercise in bad timing.
From what I understand of it when there is an actual mutual liking of characteristics from each party then there is a “warranty period” within this time its good to go and make a move. Once this time has passed though the person may feel that trying to get into a relationship could be weird and likes to keep you as a friend. Usually what happens is a bunch of vague innuendo banter and mixed signals which builds a friend relationship.
Also in the case of girls being made of awesome or as some describe “tomboyish” your ability to be cool is the downfall itself. Its much the same as a guy being a non-jerk. Both ways your ability to look past the immediat want to smangle and actually learn or befriend this person automatically puts us outside the warranty period. Cause face it usually the friends that we have that get into relationships a lot always are usually indifferent to the other person’s wants/needs. IE. meet a person and three days later fb status change then change a week later once they figure out they aren’t compatible.
And there are sometimes when the other party isn’t interested like that. Hard to accept but true. You’ve had this done to you and have done this to others a lot.
p.s. I often find that people want to come out of the friend zone once you actually get into another relationship. Whats up with that?
“From what I understand of it when there is an actual mutual liking of characteristics from each party then there is a “warranty period” within this time its good to go and make a move. Once this time has passed though the person may feel that trying to get into a relationship could be weird and likes to keep you as a friend.”
Hmmm, I can see that. Makes sense. But at the same time, confusing and frustrating.
“And there are sometimes when the other party isn’t interested like that. Hard to accept but true. You’ve had this done to you and have done this to others a lot.”
True, true. It’s the old, “Why aren’t the guys I’M interested in interested in me?!” first world problem.
“p.s. I often find that people want to come out of the friend zone once you actually get into another relationship. Whats up with that?”
I definitely think it’s a case of the “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” disease.
I wish dudes would stop selling that want women to be laidback. It’s low maintenance with lots of care and affection that is desired. I would only call tomboy detrimental if the only time they see you is when you’re being a tomboy.
Yeah, as much as men complain about women being emotional, I highly doubt they want someone who NEVER is.
Ahhhh the friend zone… lovely weather we’re having in Limbo Land today Cheeks, isn’t it?
Anywho… been there. done that. The first two descriptions… are ME. All the way, all day. The 3rd used to be me. I’ve grown out of it alot but I still don’t think I’m quite as feminine as a lot of my friends. That’s partially b/c all those feminine wiles take time and energy that the laid-back part of me just won’t allow.
“That’s partially b/c all those feminine wiles take time and energy that the laid-back part of me just won’t allow.”
Sooooo true.
And LOL @ Limbo Land. The weather is cloudy and the taxes are high. Hmph!
cheeks, this entire post is sooooo on point!!!
while i dont exactly relate to all of the same qualities you have that are outlined, i do feel you on being the “homie” type and possibly inadvertantly placing yourself in the friend zone or at least the “you say you wanna date a girl like me but… YOU DONT date girls like me”.
for instance, i LOVE football and most of my sunday afternoons revolve around nfl games. and so many men i know always say “damn, youre cute, smart, cook, clean AND know football? dudes must be lining up to snatch you up.” ummmm actually NO. ive never had a guy to want to date me on the strength of my football knowledge alone. guys find it cool, and ive spent whole sundays with my guy friends (where im the only uterus in the spot) to watch football. are any of them trying to date me doe? nope.
all that to say, i think men are basically full of sh*t when they talk about the “qualities” they like to have in a woman. more often than not, its qualities they like their female friends to possess, but its not something that makes or breaks a potential mate. *shrug*
“all that to say, i think men are basically full of sh*t when they talk about the “qualities” they like to have in a woman. more often than not, its qualities they like their female friends to possess, but its not something that makes or breaks a potential mate.”
And Bingo was his name-o!