I love tales. Tall tales, folktales, Ducktales (woo ooh!), TaleSpin, Tales From The Crypt (I actually kinda hated this show)… basically I luh me some stories.
As someone who loves to write them, I always have a special affinity for those who can write them well. Since I’m multifaceted, I also have a special affinity for those who cannot write them well, yet still manage to entertain me.
The following is an example of the latter (click pic to enlarge):
What in the bootleg Aesop hell is this?!!
I cannot even describe to ya’ll the absolute epic gigglefit I experienced while reading this. Like, it was the kind that transitioned into choking coughs that eventually led to the point where I had to drink a glass of water so that I wouldn’t actually perish.
Let’s break this down line-by-line…
– “A gurl was walkin 2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode.” Now, I know I STAY writing phonetically on my blog posts so I’m gonna PRETEND “skewl” was written in jest or as a shout-out to Baltimore or some ish. I can’t explain crossin no dayum “rode”, doe…
– “she sed ‘bbz will u luv me 4evr” I’m just gonna assume this is the point in which they were texting each other. Also, before I eventually settled on “babes”, I thought “bbz” had something to do with Justin Bieber.
– “he said ‘NO…’” AW SNAP!
– “…” I imagined a dissolve here. Nice transition. ( ._.)
– “da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.” Um, what green man? The Boogeyman?! That ninja back like Tupac? And why is he coming on the “sine?” Is he teaching a Trigonometry class or something?
– “boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.” Oh, wow, this is becoming quite heartbreaking. I hope he realizes that whoever this mathematical green man is probably doesn’t have fingerprints and that if he touches her, The Man gone blame HIM. I’m just sayin’…
– “she was ded.” My reaction can only be expressed here.
– “he whispered 2 her corpse ‘I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever… ‘ (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr)” I’m not EEEEEM bout to try to explain how they spelled “corpse” correctly, but not “more.” But forget all’at. Nicca, FIVE-EVER?! Five gottdayum ever?! ROTFLMFAOC.R.E.A.M. I am in tears, ya’ll!!! That is so brilliant, their electric bill is off the charts. And I love how they explained it in parenthesis for those that might not get it. Eff a subtlety. They trying to be on their “the more you know” steez. Knowledge is power that no one man should have all of.
– “xxx~*…LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIME…~*xxx” Well, I would be lyin’ if I said I DIDN’T cry… it was just preceded by hysterical laughter. Prollllly not what they were goin’ for…
Sidenote: Typing that resulted in beaucoup red squiggly lines. I’m sure my Macbook (#payhomage to Steve Jobs) is lookin’ like… “Bish, you need Speak N Spell like a mug!”)
Now, as they say, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Truth like Sojourner. So, in the spirit of that infamous proverb, I’m going to break out my writing skills and write a different version of the above story, with a bit of a twist. I hope I do it justice. Let’s just say this version is a “proper translation” for a different demographic…
A young maiden decided to take a stroll with her loved one. As they traipsed across the cobblestone road, the maiden inquired, “My love, will you adore me forever?” He stared deeply upon her eyes and whispered a simple, “No.” Ellipses. The forlorn maiden broke into tears and darted across the road when a mysterious fellow, draped in the essence of jade, suddenly appeared. [insert obvious missing pieces here] As her body lain lifeless, the boy sobbed and attempted to lift her. He then whispered to her decomposing flesh, “I intended to declare that I will love you Five-ever…” (and the fourth wall shall be broken to inform you that he adores her far greater than “four”-ever). Fin.
[Please declare your approval should the above story cause you to weep whenever it is told]
*curtsies*
Pinchers, how ya’ll like the story? Did you cry? If you didn’t, you’re a monster. Have a great weekend, you monster.
Love ya like Sarah Palin loves making a non-Presidential announcement that no one cares about,
Cheekie
BRAVO! I think the green man is the “walk now” guy on the street light
Hilarious. I would’ve never thought of that because our “walk now” man is always white. Which… is racist towards the green minority.
OH GAWWWWWD!!! Lmao! As if I wasn’t laughing hard enough… At least I’m no longer confuzzled! Thank you, Emti! Write the vision, make it plain.
The fact that I understood what the writer was talking about is the source of my shame
But you know there are kids writing book reports on the biography of MLK like this #DreamDeferred
And, I could be wrong but I surmise that the “green man” being referred to is the marijuana distributor. It still doesn’t make much sensor, but that is my simple hypothesis.
Lawd, I don’t eeeem wanna fathom a book report on MLK in this vein.
And, hey, nice guess on the green man being the man for that green. Very nice, indeed. You a hoodlum, btw.
Really, Cheekie!
No there was no crying but certainly many giggles.
No crying? *Gingerbread Man From “Shrek” voice* You’re a monster!!
I cracked all the ways up! and I died when you said, ‘He stared deeply upon her eyes and whispered a simple, “No.” Ellipses. ‘ Remember me like John Lennon, cuz it’s a wrap. And I can’t say I don’t feel her on the #ded b/c the following actually transpired:
Me: Where is Mollie?
JJ: She said she was going out with Chris.
Me: She stood us up? *screaming* tell that bish when I see her I’m gonna kill her dead!
JJ: Damn, dead?
Me: Yes! D-E-D! Dead! (dat mean she moar ded den dead)
*flatlined at that story*
I LOVE the expression “kill him/her dead”, doe. I always clown folks on redundancy, but this is one I love. I’m a complex individual with my simple-minded self.
The green man is the”walk now” and the way she died was she got hit by a car.
I’m mad that you pulled all this other detail but missed that. Great job but I can’t get over you missing the vehicular homicide aspect. Please edit that in. I mean, there is no question at all about it.
Ya know what… here’s the thing. I’mma have to stop reading ignant ish because I thought they meant “before the green man came on the SCENE” and spelled it “sine.” NO idea why I didn’t think of “sign.” But still, like I told emti, my “walk” man is white, so I’mma blame it on cultural differences.
Oh, and even though it’s affecting my own reading skills with some inception steez, I’m not gonna stop reading ignant ish because then I’ll have to stop #FridayFoolery and no one wants that. I does it for the peoples.
That’s exactly what I thought.
Am I illiterate too because I was able to read it for what they meant the first time?!?
But really I didn’t cry after reading that eloquent and aptly expressed sentiment of luv…but I did shake my head to the desk and leave it there for a minute, you know as a moment of silence for the ded girl and all.
Related but not related..my little sis is the blonde of all my sisters and one day she spelled dead like that. Outloud. In front of people. It is now a running joke in the family
LOL @ TWO folks commenting that they know someone who spelled it that way. I mean, to be fair, our lovely English language doesn’t always make COMPLETE sense… I mean, one would think “dead” would be spelled that way, because of how it’s pronounce but, still… children be left behind.
Ps. Green man did NOT appear & that was the fact that led to her death. Because cars were….you know what, you did this to me on purpose. You knew I’d come, wanting to be helpful and make fools of my self like I was full of myself…well never more. Grrr arrrrrgh!
Nevermore, quoth the Sagey.
I told ya I was ignant inceptioned!! Hmph.
Jesus be an english teacher or at least a tutor. i blame social media and text messaging. i would bet money that if children still had to write complete sentences out with a pen and paper things would not be this bad. sad thing is i see adults doing the same thing. adults with degrees. yes, i’m judging.
I actually agree, homie. Just like we’re slowly being desensitized to violence/sex, we’re also slowly being desensitized to literacy. Lawd…
Ok, I’m glad i read the comments cuz I had too many questions. i was confused as all hell. First of all, I have a hard time reading ignant ish like this. Then, I couldn’t figure out who the green man was and how she ended up dead ( I assumed he left out the part about her gettin hit by a car after she ran out in the rode (lol), tryin to get some weed from the green man), and like you, Cheekie, it never dawned on me that sine=sign, I just thought this dumbass couldn’t spell scene.
Whew…I feel better now
See?! Glad I wasn’t the only one. *dap*
traipsed across the cobblestone road <- that was clearly the issue. any girl knows you gotta step lightly on cobblestone. 1 wrong move and you'll break ya neck.
i quit you by the way. just thought i'd tell you..
LOL, good point, KB. Fabulous, fabulous point. She shoulda known better.
I’m so sad that I could actually read the ignorance before translation… please pray for my soul.
Yup, I’m willing to bet at least 92% of everyone who read it… read it fine in one take. Including me. LOL
The key to reading ignat literature is to read it out loud with either a backwoods or an east of Crenshaw accent. I read it with an east of Crenshaw accent since that is closer to my native tongue. What I am still trying to figure out is what am I crying from everytime? My lost loved one? The future of our youth? The filaure of Zoolander’s school? Me no know.
“What I am still trying to figure out is what am I crying from everytime?”
I’m thinking because it’s an epically sad tale and we’re supposed to feel sympathy for the “characters.” lol
Girl, I scream laughed at this ish right here. Cheekie, you have revealed to us on this day exactly why Jesus wept.
Girl, so did I. And I read it whilst at work, so imagine the trouble I had to go through to cover up said scream-laugh. It’s hard out there for a corproate pimp.
I’m new here but this is brilliant. I think the funniest thing to me was the fact that someone liked it, meaning they cry every time.
And I’m also glad someone clarified that the weed man didn’t kill her, she jaywalked.
Welcome to the eCrib, Bre! And yeah, we don’t want any slander against the weed man… he has a rep to protect! But yes, it is quite sad that someone liked it and SERIOUSLY cried every time. Lawdhamercy Jeebus.
*sigh. . . yo people cheeky. . . yo people. . . like a girl in my class said the other day “i aint black i am mixed the light skinned and white”
Lawd, because light-skinned is a dayum race?! SMDH.
the man in green = walk.
OMG!! I just bust out laughing!!
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