I love tales. Tall tales, folktales, Ducktales (woo ooh!), TaleSpin, Tales From The Crypt (I actually kinda hated this show)… basically I luh me some stories.
As someone who loves to write them, I always have a special affinity for those who can write them well. Since I’m multifaceted, I also have a special affinity for those who cannot write them well, yet still manage to entertain me.
The following is an example of the latter (click pic to enlarge):
What in the bootleg Aesop hell is this?!!
I cannot even describe to ya’ll the absolute epic gigglefit I experienced while reading this. Like, it was the kind that transitioned into choking coughs that eventually led to the point where I had to drink a glass of water so that I wouldn’t actually perish.
Let’s break this down line-by-line…
– “A gurl was walkin 2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode.” Now, I know I STAY writing phonetically on my blog posts so I’m gonna PRETEND “skewl” was written in jest or as a shout-out to Baltimore or some ish. I can’t explain crossin no dayum “rode”, doe…
– “she sed ‘bbz will u luv me 4evr” I’m just gonna assume this is the point in which they were texting each other. Also, before I eventually settled on “babes”, I thought “bbz” had something to do with Justin Bieber.
– “he said ‘NO…’” AW SNAP!
– “…” I imagined a dissolve here. Nice transition. ( ._.)
– “da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.” Um, what green man? The Boogeyman?! That ninja back like Tupac? And why is he coming on the “sine?” Is he teaching a Trigonometry class or something?
– “boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.” Oh, wow, this is becoming quite heartbreaking. I hope he realizes that whoever this mathematical green man is probably doesn’t have fingerprints and that if he touches her, The Man gone blame HIM. I’m just sayin’…
– “she was ded.” My reaction can only be expressed here.
– “he whispered 2 her corpse ‘I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever… ‘ (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr)” I’m not EEEEEM bout to try to explain how they spelled “corpse” correctly, but not “more.” But forget all’at. Nicca, FIVE-EVER?! Five gottdayum ever?! ROTFLMFAOC.R.E.A.M. I am in tears, ya’ll!!! That is so brilliant, their electric bill is off the charts. And I love how they explained it in parenthesis for those that might not get it. Eff a subtlety. They trying to be on their “the more you know” steez. Knowledge is power that no one man should have all of.
– “xxx~*…LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIME…~*xxx” Well, I would be lyin’ if I said I DIDN’T cry… it was just preceded by hysterical laughter. Prollllly not what they were goin’ for…
Sidenote: Typing that resulted in beaucoup red squiggly lines. I’m sure my Macbook (#payhomage to Steve Jobs) is lookin’ like… “Bish, you need Speak N Spell like a mug!”)
Now, as they say, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Truth like Sojourner. So, in the spirit of that infamous proverb, I’m going to break out my writing skills and write a different version of the above story, with a bit of a twist. I hope I do it justice. Let’s just say this version is a “proper translation” for a different demographic…
A young maiden decided to take a stroll with her loved one. As they traipsed across the cobblestone road, the maiden inquired, “My love, will you adore me forever?” He stared deeply upon her eyes and whispered a simple, “No.” Ellipses. The forlorn maiden broke into tears and darted across the road when a mysterious fellow, draped in the essence of jade, suddenly appeared. [insert obvious missing pieces here] As her body lain lifeless, the boy sobbed and attempted to lift her. He then whispered to her decomposing flesh, “I intended to declare that I will love you Five-ever…” (and the fourth wall shall be broken to inform you that he adores her far greater than “four”-ever). Fin.
[Please declare your approval should the above story cause you to weep whenever it is told]
Pinchers, how ya’ll like the story? Did you cry? If you didn’t, you’re a monster. Have a great weekend, you monster.
Love ya like Sarah Palin loves making a non-Presidential announcement that no one cares about,