Pinchworthy: Claire’s Accessories (for Curlies)

This place makes me love anyone named Claire. #thismakesense

Ever since my big chop, I’ve been mildly obsessed… yeah, lemme stop lying right now… I’ve been COMPLETELY obsessed with my hair: how to take care of it, how to spice it up, etc. The latter of which is where Claire’s Accessories comes in.

When one thinks of Claire’s, one pictures a group of tweens draped in glitter-ness. I hadn’t gotten anything from Claire’s since my senior high school prom. Ok, there I go lying again. I JUST went a few weeks prior to this most recent trip to stock up on earrings (of which I may write a post about later).

A few weeks ago, my girl and God’s Executive Assistant, Shonnerz (she also recently did the big chop and was on the search for ways to glamorize her TWA) tweeted me about a big sale that Claire’s was having and also mentioned that she had picked up some hair accessories, herself. Of course, I jumped at the opportunity.

Ya’ll, I spent about 30 bucks. And for anyone that knows of and/or shops at Claire’s, ya’ll know that means I racked up a bunch of ish. \(^_^)/ <— me raising my arms in triumph.

The results of this mini shopping spree ? I’mma appeal to the visual creatures (many apologies for the quality; took it with my phone):

I love the illusion this headband gives. Like it's two of 'em. But it ain't! Houdini swag.

This headband makes me feel all twee.

This headband's blue really popped for me. Very spring-like. Great way to capture that feeling, even when it's cold out.

Other than it being my favorite color, this flower automatically makes me feel sassy!

This double headband has a Grecian feel. And the Leo in me loves the royal gold.And of course I had to get it in silver as well. (Kinda not my fault, the cashier alerted me that if I got another, I'd get it half-off. SOLD!)

This flower's color really stood out to me. Tropical feel.Same flower, different color. Came in a two-pack with the one above. Though, it's not a gardenia, it makes me wanna sang some Billie Holiday.Combined the two flowers to create a new look. They definitely compliment each other.

I’m not even gonna mention how I got more earrings during this shopping trip as well (included in the $30 total). Oops, I just did. D’ah well.

Anyhow, I love these accessories and I’m looking forward to getting more! They definitely add a bit of flair to my hair and a pep to my step (Seussian swag!). I’m having so much fun with it, especially since one would think that short hair is only limited to one style. Not even! It’s inspiring me to get creative* and I’m enjoying every bit of it.

So, Pinchers, what do you think about those up there? Have a favorite? Are you a Claire’s Accessories fan? Curl it up in the comments.

Love ya like chain restaurants love mini burgers,

Cheekie

*I’m also going to try out different hairstyles (different meaning, other than a wash-and-go) and will keep ya’ll updated on that as well.

Friday Foolery: Ridiculous Rumors

Trust me, this is relevant.

As you probably heard, the entire Black community did a collective faint when rumors of Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith separating surfaced. Some say it caused the east coast earthquake. Basically, it was major.

Thankfully, Will and Jada released a statement that shut down those rumors and continued their role as the Atlas of Black love.*

All was well with the world. Until. UN-TIL. I was watching E! News Wednesday evening and one of the talking heads mentioned that there were rumors swirling around alleging that Jada was having an affair with newly-divorcing Marc Anthony (also her costar on Hawthorne). o_O

Seriously, click this link right ‘chere. Ish said that Will caught Marc and Jada together in the Smiths’ home and “left crying.”

JIGGA WHOM?!!!

So, I hit up my sister from another mister, L Boogie, and told her of the allegations. The following occurred:

L Boogie: Woo!
me: jada pinkett was in a movie called woo, wasn’t she? random as fuck my bad lmao
L Boogie: LMAO lawd.
me: thats not entirely random
i mean it is… but it’s because theres been a lot of jada pinket news lately because of the rumor and they mentioned that movie lol
now niggas saying she fucked marc anthony
girl bye
L Boogie: Right?! She got Will, nigga!
me: RIGHT. what she look like fucking skeletor’s grandpa
man please
L Boogie: LMFAO
me: and even if they DO have an open marriage (the infidelity rumors would be for naught lol), she wouldn’t pick HIM lmao
L Boogie: eggsactlee
me: hilarity
L Boogie: she’s jada pinkett smith
me: jada motherfucking pinkett smith
L Boogie: Come the entirety of the hell on.
me: NOT the entirety
L Boogie: Lmfao
Cuz Marc Anthony is high on her list
O_-
me: the entire realm of hell doe lmao
RIGHT
out of all the hollywood niggas she knows. marc motherfucking jlo sloppy seconds anthony? oh ok.
…
me: ok like imagine marc even STEPPING to jada… what would he say?
L Boogie: BAILAMOS
wait.
whoops.
me: *hollers*
no, i really hollered. not internet hollered.
L Boogie: um
LET THE RHYTHM TAKE YOU OVER JADA, BAILAMOSSSSS TE QUIERO AMOR MIO
me: !!!!!!!!!!!
And she would give him an epic side-eye
L Boogie: *cackles*
me: like set it off proportions
L Boogie: and be like “oh so you think i like that sh!t?”
me: seriously, marc WAS enrique, the stranger bish version wasn’t he?
L Boogie: *thinks back over the years* yeah, i’d agree
me: they were out the exact same time. marc was like “is there room for me?”
L Boogie: how does D list Marc Anthony get to even be in the same room as A list by marriage Jada Pinkett Smith?
me: RIGHT. in fact, he d-list now because j.lo. welp!
L Boogie: who holds that invite list?
*rimshot*
me: OH!! and while I was researching, there were reports that… brace yourself…
L Boogie: *braces*
me: will WALKED in on the two of them and… LEFT CRYING
L Boogie: no mouf doe
me: IN HIS HOME
L Boogie: WTF
O_O
WHAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE DID THAT HAPPEN IN
Will MF’in Smith?! leaving his house, crying ?
me: He is motherfucking WILL smith. HE INVENTED raphael de la ghetto
L Boogie: he ain’t cried since 7 Pounds!
me: ok?! I know he’s an epic crier and all that, but not over this melting wax figure!
L Boogie: and Marc Anthony gon be the reason his tear ducts sign a new contract?
eggsacklee.
shoo.
me: Like, he gon’ cry bout that dayum dog SAM before he cry over some former mr j.lo
L Boogie: what lifetime movie are the tabloids tryna write?
me: ok?!
L Boogie: hell, i’m sure he’d cry over a broken fingernail before he cried over marc anthony.
me: bingo
How is Marc gonna overthrow ANYONE who actually survived Gettin Jiggy Wit It? Come on now.
L Boogie: !!!
(na na na na nana na)
me: *does the dance at my computer*
L Boogie: Marc prolly thought Will was down when Will did “Welcome to Miami”
since he said Bienvenidos a Miami in it.
NAWL SON
me: Man you probably right. smh. he reaching like a dayum rubber band, yo
L Boogie: mmhmm.
me: plus, ain’t he Jada’s HEIGHT?!
he look like it
L Boogie: might be shorter.
i think he may wear low heels, tryna steal Prince’s swag.
me: *snort*
And Jada would be like, “Ma’am. You must be this tall to ride*points to cardboard cut-out of Will*”
L Boogie: and then he would try to sing his way onto the ride
 do we even know a Marc Anthony song?
me: Girl, you have no idea HOW hard my brain has been working to think of one
I knew one before but… *blink*
L Boogie: *opens spotify*
*spotify does not recognize artist*
WELP
me: LMAOOOOOO

O_O Lawd, that was so wrong it was right. Did we HAVE to go in on that po’ man like that? Apparently so. Since we ain’t feces (props to That Damn African for this phrase; and NO, TDA, this does not count as influencing a Friday Foolery post).

Pinchers, do the opposite of being a sweet liar and tell me the truth. Do you honestly think a Marc Anthony/Jada Pinkett Smith affair could happen?

Have a weekend full of foolery!!

Love ya like peaches love cream,

Cheekie

*What I mean is that they have the burden of carrying the entire image of Black love on their shoulders. Or more accurately, their union does.

MY NAME IS MY NAME

It's hard to look this intimidating when you're pinchable.

Let the reh-CORD show that I am offering my sincerest apologies for yelling at ya’ll in the title up there… but you can’t quote that line CAPSless. It’s the law.

Anyway.

Against my better judgment, I was Gchatting with Naturally Alise when she alerted me to the following tweet:

@Naturally Alise: The fact I don’t know @pinchmycheekie‘s first name and we have talked every single day all day for almost a year. -_-

-_-, indeed. Blame it on our conversations being super random and obscure and me MEANING to have the “So, what’s yo gubment?” conversation, but completely forgetting. I mean, I usually just wait ’til folks ask because it rarely crosses my mind unless we end up FB friends or something. (which, Alise and I ended up being… it’s how I told her my name. lol) Basically, my mind be too focused on the important things of life like “finding a way to combine rice, ice cream, and Idris Elba” to waste precious brain cells on things like basic social pleasantries.

Thus, I told her my name right then. Of which I’m not going to reveal here because I’m trying to be on my Sybil swag in peace. Ok, real answer is that I try to make a note to separate my professional Corporate America identity from the ratchet identity here. Not tryna have my name all up in the streets since The Man knows how to use Google, apparently. Just trying to keep the day job bills paid. Moving right along…

Once Alise found out the gubment, she expressed her surprise at my name. She thought I would be… and I quote… a “Hillary or Melanie.”

O_O *falls out laughing*

Like… Hillary of the Clinton Hillaries? Of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Hillaries? And GIRL Melanie? Hee. It was interesting picturing myself as those names, to say the least. I mean, it’s not that I don’t like those names, it’s just after being so used to having my own name, it’s weird to picture any other, nah mean?

It’s just funny when you develop an ePersona to the point that it pretty much becomes a brand. Like so…

@RayJefury: @NaturallyAlise @pinchmycheekie ~ her real name isn’t Cheekie? #SantaAintRealDissapointment

-_-

See?! And he’s not alone. I’ve met several internet/blog folks in person and when I tried to introduce myself on some real ish, they responded all, “Nawl, yo name Cheekie. Embrace it.”

Just like the feline that I am, curiosity got the best of me and I wondered what everyone else in the eWorld imagined my name to be. So, I posed the question to Twitterville. I asked, “#TwitterPoll For those who don’t know my gubment name, what do you imagine my name would be?”

Ya’ll twiggas did NOT disappoint…

@tdlove5: @pinchmycheekie @NaturallyAlise Jacqueline

@tdlove5: @pinchmycheekie @NaturallyAlise ..no Sarah. LOL

@miss_tlee: @pinchmycheekie JaQuanda. *snickers*

@thepbg @pinchmycheekie Belinda.

@RayJefury: @pinchmycheekie @NaturallyAlise you know what would be an ill piece of marketing? If your real name was something like Chekeshia.

@ManAboutIt: @pinchmycheekie Charlesha Jones

Of course, the answers intrigued and tickled me. “Charlesha Jones” had me sounding like some 2011 version of Foxy Brown, which I dug. But, what had me FLAT on the ground (figuratively)? Belinda. Peebz ain’t a BIT of shat for that one. Ya’ll don’t understand how much it took for me NOT to holler out-loud at work when I read that. Especially since it was “only hear the sounds of typing” quiet in the joint at the time.

LAWD.

So, once again my curiosity is winning because I’m about to give the rest of ya’ll the floor. Pinchers, what do you imagine my gubment name to be? For those eFolks who already know the real-deal what DID you think before? Leggo in the comments!

Love ya like Mother Nature loves to showcase her fury,

Cheekie

Extra Credit

Uh-huh, you just flashing that handsome smile so I can apply for your 46% APR credit card.

One of the most annoying things about going to the retail store is when the eager cashiers offer you a credit card with astronomical APR percentages and slightly soothing the wound by offering an obviously less astronomical percentage off the total price of the merchandise. I mean, it’s annoying for folks like me trying to keep their credit score swag. Because, I know dayum well how easy it is to succumb to the pressure. And, lawd, is that pressure heavy… especially for a person who loves to shop. *points to self*

Retail stores think they slick. But, even more annoying than that is a more subtle way that stores try to lock you down. And it also involves the word, “credit”… without the APR, though.

STORE CREDIT.

I hate when I go to a clothing store actually made for teenagers so I have no idea why I’m even up in there shopping for something cute to wear and then I end up at the register…

Cashier Chick: *bubbly* Hi! Are you aware of our return policy?

Me: No, actually…

Cashier Chick: Returns are valid with a receipt within 90 days…

Me: *smiling*

Cashier Chick: … and only exchanges and store credit are available.

Me: -____________-

And of course, I don’t find this out until I’m already set on the outfit. Already fallen in love and pictured myself grinding on some random nicca sauntering into a room with confidence that night whilst wearing said outfit. So, yes, I oblige.

Ugh. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, they’re just taking advantage of chicks like me that sometimes don’t have time to try things on in the store (or chicks who just don’t like trying things in there in the first place) by locking in the sale and basically securing that amount of money for themselves no matter what. Doesn’t matter if you exchange something or use the store credit for much later on… the money is still guaranteed to them.

So, before making a purchase, I usually go through this quick mental argument in my head on whether there is a chance that I’ll return to the store and buy something else in case of buyer’s remorse.* I’ll go back in time in my head, trying to remember if I saw something ELSE that I found cute (and decided on not getting it because I didn’t want to spend too much money)… gathering a mental note on whether I like this store’s style.

See how much effing work that is?! Just so that this store can enslave my currency?!

I just wanted to point out that I know your game, retail stores. Don’t think you’re pulling a fast one on me! I’ll be there tomorrow to buy more stuff, doe… o_O

Pinchers, how do you feel about the store credit swindle? Ever did the “that’s okay, I don’t want it any more” line once the store told you of their restrictive policy? Male Pinchers, what’s your credit score? Wait, did I type that out loud? *looks over there*

Love ya like the hood loves chicken shacks,

Cheekie

*For those who ain’t know, “buyer’s remorse” is when you regret buying something that was probably an impulse purchase. Suddenly, when you get home, you’re not as excited about it as you were before.

Friday Foolery: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Surprisingly enough, I’m not talmbout the infamous Peanut Butter Jelly Time video. Nor am I talmbout the equally infamous Family Guy parody of said video.

I’m talmbout something much less fun and much more disturbing.

I was wandering aimlessly along my Twitter timeline when I came across a reblogged Tumblr photo from Steen Fox. It was to her hilarious side-piece Tumblr called “#ThatPlate” (which, DUH, instant follow). After gleefully clasping my hands together at the fact that someone created this Tumblr, I looked at the photo…

O__________o

Jigga WHO.DONE.WHAT.NOW?!

Are my squinty eyes deceiving me or are they seeing what I think they’re seeing? Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammich in a CAN?! What in the Podunk, Iowa hell?!

Like Steen noted, what kind of lazy ish is this?! A sandwich in a can, doe? Like, the convenience of having things in a can… I get it. But, combining something with THREE simple ingredients (of which include already-made things such as bread, peanut butter, & jelly) is doing the utmost least.

Yo, I wish a nicca WOULD see me taking this to lunch. Or imagine the poor kid who receives a cafeteria full of side-eyes when he pulls this out of his lunch pail.* NO ONE would want to trade lunches with him.

(*rides my segway toward my segue* Speaking of which, do kids even do this anymore? Trade lunches? Perhaps they do, but it’s updated to blend in with today’s world… so they probably trade lunches using an App. iLunchBarter or something. Digressing…)

Looking at this (and trying to accept that it actually exists), makes me wonder WTF is next in the can industry:

– Soul Food Dinner In A Can (w/ a picture of Big Mama Joe from the film)

– Mary Jane In A Can

– Sushi In A Can

– That Damn African In A Can

– Salisbury Steak In A Can (ya’ll know THIS would be the type of steak they put in a can)

– Ice Cream In A Can (w/ dry ice)

– Subway Footlong In A Can

– Crème Brûlée In A Can

As you can see, it could get quite ridiculous. And I truly hope I never find out that any of the above already exists.

Pinchers, have you tried the Canned PB&J? If so, how did it taste? Does it taste like I imagine it to taste?** If you haven’t yet, WOULD you taste it? (Please note that if you answer “yes” to this question, you may have to get right with Gawd afterwards.)

Oh, and since it’s Friday, what other “in a can” possibilities are next? Let’s get foolish… foolishly. Have a great weekend!

Love ya like peas love carrots,

Cheekie

*Yes, the kid in my hypothetical situation is carrying a lunch PAIL, like it’s World War II era or some ish.
**I imagine it to taste like MSG and demoted teenagers.

Pinchworthy: See’s Candies

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: A thousand apologies for leaving ya’ll stranded and pinchless this past Monday, but I was sending off my niece to her first year of college (At my alma mater, NIU! Go Huskies!). The fam all gathered for her move-in day in the dorms, and man there was shole a lot of allergen-prone ish in the air because I cried.

I see you, See's!

There comes a time when you’re introduced to something that makes you thank AND curse the universe, simultaneously. This is one of those times.

Two words: See’s Candies. What’s funny is that it took me going to an entirely different country to be introduced to this blissful yumminess. When I went to Toronto, I met BP and Legit Soul for the first time in person and they each greeted me with what is sure to be my new addiction.

When I got to Max’s house, BP showered me with a B-day card and a box of the candies. She said, “I always give these to people as a token of Cali!” Caught up with the excitement of finally getting there, I didn’t open the box right away but was thrilled to get it. Because, duh, I love candy. Adore it, even. Later on in the evening, we happened to be talking about the infamous candy and BP mentioned that she happened to have a few in her purse and she wanted everyone to try some AT THAT VERY MOMENT. The candy?

THESE:

*Homer Simpson Drool*

Butterscotch Pops, yo. Also known as “heaven in your mouth.” (I just made this up; See’s has not endorsed this slogan, whatsoever) Once I popped that lollipop into my mouth, I hummed Weezy’s “Lollipop” to myself I was in love. They’re a pretty nice size, too! The Canadians said it was a huge size, but the American (and CHICAGOAN… double-whammy) in me downed that sucker like a pro. *sly grin and wink*

Later on that night, I was swimming in See’s… sea. *doubles over in laughter at own pun* …

Anyway.

Then Legit Soul decided to add crack to a dope fiend by also giving me a Cali token. The chocolates (pictured way above). LAWD. Talk about melt in your mouf. I didn’t get to savor them until I got home (And they didn’t even melt! Went through an entire bus/plane ride intact!) and boy, was it worth the wait. Like Legit mentioned, I appreciated that none of the chocolates involved that surprise fruity ish. It was all nuts/caramel/non-fruity insides. Win-NING.

So, yeah, See’s definitely has a new stan in me. And when I was recently GChatting with Legit, she made the mistake of letting me know that you can order these goodies online. Awwwww, sookie sookie nah!

Pinchers, have you tried the deliciousness that is See’s Candies? Any other candy recommendations? Hit me up (contact page here) if you want to either SEND ME SOME or give suggestions so that I can order them! Obvious emphasis on the former. Tee hee. And if you haven’t tried them, you dayum well should. Thank me (and BP/Legit Soul, who represents the entire state of California now, as far as I’m concerned) later.

Love ya like Facebook loves making decisions for you,

Cheekie

P.S. Let’s not even talk about how I MURKED each of these boxes of candy already. At all. Grazie.

Friday Foolery: Required Love

Lemme say this right off the bat: I need to be separated from L Boogie. Anyone who knows us (and worse yet, knows us TOGETHER… as in how we interact when we’re in the same place) knows that there are a plethora of reasons why we shouldn’t be near each other, but today? I just have one.

Apparently, L Boogie wants to come for That Damn African’s crown for “Most Inspired Friday Foolery Posts” (even though I’m not even sure she said this explicitly, I just peep ish*) and she sent me a text asking me if I had seen a particular video.

So, like I said, I only have ONE reason today why I should quit her. And, frankly, it’s the only reason I need. And ya’ll will see why very soon…

Lil B – Need My Love

Need My Commentary:

0:00 – First things first. The posted title of the uploaded video. Did this mofo just say that this music video (which happens to be for the ladies… sorry, fellas, I know you’re heartbroken) is “HISTORICAL?!!!” Pretty sure this JUST came out. Yeah, I already know what’s up here…

0:07 – Uh-oh, he doing that R&B sensitive nicca head sway…

0:11 – O____________________O

0:21 – *looks for Ashton Kutcher despite “Punk’d” being canceled for years AND I’m not a celebrity*

0:24 – He is straight STUNTIN’ with those liquor store earrings he wearing.

0:31 – I mean, I know I shouldn’t ASSume anything, but I’m pretty sure NAN girl has even said she “mildy tolerates” this mofo let alone “keep on saying [she] need [his] love.”

0:33 – And why does his dancing look like he is currently going through the process of a mild stroke?

0:40 – These flowers, joe. He ain’t filming this in some suburban backyard is he? Or perhaps an arboretum?

0:50 – LMAO. He almost fell tryin’ to do these spins. He played it off like it was part of the routine. Son, you ain’t SLICK! Lookin’ like a velveteen rabbit with that jacket. AND he don’t got no dress socks on with those chuuch shoes?! Sir.

1:08 – “I’m on the front porch, I’m in the back yard… waitin’ for you girl…” o_O Um, alright.

1:22 – These ad-libs, yo… he sound like he on the toilet after a quick visit to White Castle.

1:35 – PLEASE don’t tell me this gentleman put his little boy in this lawd-forsaken video. Don’t do it to the kids!!!

1:40 – That empty street better just be the result of a slow traffic day and not because anyone actually shut down the block for this person. Straight up…

1:48 – Aw, he flashed that number one! The index finger?! That’s when you KNOW he is serious about the love he’s sanging about. FYI.

1:58 – He on the ground now. This is not a game.

2:11 – What in the bootleg View-Master photoshoot hell? WHY is this included??

2:20 – The way he keeps pronouncing “girl” like, “GWAHH-ERRRL”, doe…

2:23 – Talmbout, “…but you run away…” OF COURSE she does, fool! A SLOTH would bust out in a sprint to get away from your voice.

2:28 – Oh, WHEW! A car’s driving up. But LMAO @ him getting a pose in before getting the hell out the way. And LMFAO @ him deciding that this part should still go into the final cut of the video.

3:03 – Po’ thang could hardly get up after all that… “emoting.”

3:09 – I’m mad at all these close-ups of flowers, lookin’ like a free screensaver that he got online.

3:18 – These last few seconds are the best part… because it’s MUTE.

Sidenote: I always have to read the little info summaries and comments of a YouTube video (the latter of which I regret sometimes), and can I just say that I CRIED when he said that new rappers were jacking his style and how he just casually threw in that he was in Europe seeing exotic chicks?! But, what REALLY kilt me was the top comment that said, “He has the voice of an angel.” *Flatlined*

Lawd, Pinchers, what do you gotta say about this hot lava mess? Sigh. Have a fabulous weekend!!

Love ya like JJ loves dyno-mite,

Cheekie

*OR, I’m just tryna start shit.

Scared Straight

If she gave me this "What you say?!" face, I'm pretty sure my vocal chords would pack up and retire in Florida.

Do ya’ll watch “Beyond Scared Straight?” Or heard of the classic “Scared Straight” franchise, period? If not, you still have most of your innocence then lemme give you a quick breakdown. Basically, a group of juvenile delinquents are taken to a penitentiary, yelled at by a bunch of thug inmates and are taught the values of acting like they have some dayum sense so that they don’t end up in said penitentiary, destined to become said thug inmates’ bish.

Watching this show reminded me of one tactic that my fourth grade teacher, “Miss Threatt” (it was pronounced “threet”, but everyone pronounced it like the word, “threat” for valid reasons. lol) used to scare students straight. Miss Threatt was a cantankerous older lady with a ginormous mole on her forehead and a scowl that could cut through glass.

She used her tactic on the younger students because by the time you reached the fourth grade (and especially ended up in her class), you realized the secret behind the myth. This was one of the reasons why EVERYONE in grades 1-3 was terrified to have her as a teacher. Not me, because I was a good, sweet little girl.* I ended up having her as a teacher and liking her, actually. Probably because she was a thug.

What was the tactic? It was called, “The Whooping Machine.”

The way she described this mythical machine was… well, actually, allow me to stage a scene for you. Since I write scenes and whatnot as a side hustle. The following is a typical student’s encounter with “The Whooping Machine.”:

*tiny student enters Miss Threatt’s classroom, shaking*

Miss Threatt (MT): Ah, here you are, Miss Matthews told me you kept interrupting class by talking to your classmates. Now you know better than that, right?

Shivering Student (SS): *nods with scared frown*

MT: Well, it seems like you don’t know. I think you need to be taught a lesson. *pushes SS near window* You see that out there? *points to some white contraption of which I never figured out what it really was, but it looked like a giant antenna*

SS: *near tears* Yeah…

MT: Well, what will happen is this. Spread your arms out like so… *spreads out SS’s hands like the wings of a plane* As soon as I flip the switch, the machine will grab you, pull you out the window and start spanking you until I deem the lesson learned. Understand?

SS: *probably crying at this point* But, I’m so sorry I –

MT: I really don’t want to hear it! *motions toward one of us, her own students* Hey, why don’t you go down to the office and call the ambulance just in case… you know how this machine goes heywire sometimes. *looks back at SS with glare*

SS: *probably peed their pants at this point* O_O Really, I’m so sorry, I won’t do it again, I’ll be good, I’ll be good!

MT: *motions toward invisible arse button behind her desk* Are you sure?

SS: YES, YES! *bawling*

MT: *contemplates* Hmm, okay… tell you what. Turn around. Face that camera, there. *points to an overhead camera in the corner of the room that, in reality, hadn’t been functioning since 1973* I’m going to need a picture of you to document that you were here, were given a warning and if you are ever sent to my classroom again, you’re gonna get it.

SS: *turns to camera, heavy breathing*

MT: *pushes some other invisible camera button behind her desk* Ok, got it. Now you’re in my records. Now, get back to your classroom and make sure I don’t see you in here again.

SS: Yes, ma’am.*scurries the eff away*

YO. I can’t even explain to ya’ll how difficult (yet intriguing) it was watching that go down when I became one of her students. It was SO hard not to laugh, but we had to keep up appearances or risk being punished ourselves (which, copying the entire contents of a giant green Webster’s Dictionary on loose-leaf paper is NO joke). Besides, the way we saw it, it was a right of passage. We had to go through this when we were that age, so it was like we were the older and wiser… sages. Yes, fourth grade sages.

So, Pinchers, what do ya’ll think of my fourth grade teacher? Got any scared straight stories of your own? I KNOW some of ya’ll got thug teacher stories. Especially my fellow public school pupils.

Love ya like Kimberly Elise loves portraying downtrodden women,

Cheekie

*Pretty sure most of ya’ll are gonna side-eye me because ya’ll ain’t shat. I truly wish I had scanned copies of ALL my “good conduct” reviews from my report cards so I could “show [you] the receipts”, indeed. Hmph.

Man? Want.

Noted, duly.

Ah, men. They are the wind beneath my wings. The Y to my X. The ying to my yang. The organ to my organ.

O_O

Point is, I want one. Of my very own. There are plenty to choose from, but I’d like just one for me. I ain’t greedy. This is something that is constantly in the back of my mind (it moves to the front during certain times of the month) because despite how content one is with being single and independent, there’s something special about having a mate to turn to. Both figuratively and literally. Rawr.

Earlier this month, I read a post written by my sister from another mister, L Boogie entitled, “5 Reasons I Want A Man.” It was a great post and it surely inspired me to do one of my own. So, I decided to piggyback off her a bit and get on my “putting it out into the universe” steez.

So, the following are 5 (Somewhat Random) Reasons I Want A Man:

1. “I Need Love.” I mean, this may seem like a “duhhhh” reason, but I mean I specifically want affection. I’m a touchy-feely person and it’s the way I show love to the people in my life that I do love (hell, even like). I rarely ever not greet with a hug unless it’s totally inappropriate (such as in an interview* or to someone who has severe OCD or some ish). Basically, I get glee from physical contact, even the slightest bit. So, what would be better than having a dude constantly available to share in this glee with me? Nothing, that’s what. Well, I mean, if I had a bowl of ice cream involved in this, too… bonus points. Oh, and speaking of touching… must note that I love wrestling with boys. Rawr.

2. “The Gift That Keeps On Giving.” Naw, not that one. Definitely not that one. I’m a true Leo in that I’m super generous. Overly so, at times. Like my fellow coworker of the lioness persuasion said, “We love to give, but don’t you dare take.” Beaucoup truth. Anyway, I’m the type that gets more excited about surprising others with great gifts on Christmas/Birthdays/Wednesdays. You know, the kind where one can tell I was listening to them. And of course, I don’t even need to mention how much I’d adore receiving the same type of gift (which, I just did mention it), but I seriously do think the look on his face is worth every dayum thing.

3. “Oh! The Places [We'll] Go.” One common known thing about having a mate (especially one you’re married to) is that having one gives you a going-out buddy, by default. It definitely makes the search for an event buddy less of a hassle. When I can’t find someone to go somewhere with me, I’m not the type who is against going alone and I surely enjoy company in its own merit, but there is something special about being next to the person you enjoy (in your heart) while experiencing something you enjoy. Even the simplest places such as walking along the lakefront. With a man that I adore? Would all of a sudden be extraordinary.

4. “Just Look Over Your Shoulder(s), Honey. I’ll Be There!” Simply put: support. I’m the type of person to push someone else even more than I push myself (something I need to work on a bit, honestly), so I thrive on being my guy’s biggest cheerleader. In fact, you know I love you when I support your dreams to the fullest. There’s nothing much sexier than a man with drive/passion, so I have no problem pushing him even further. On the flip side, I yearn for that support of my own dreams as well. And while I have several people in my life that support me no matter what and am appreciative of that, there is something… different about a man that loves me (in that way) being by my side. Can’t really explain exactly how different, but ya’ll know what I’m talmbout. It’s just a different feeling, I guess.

5. “Round 1. Fight!” Ok, so this may seem slightly crazy (which I am, slightly), but I certainly don’t mean I yearn for full-out brawls. I mean, more so… the good-natured banter type ish. For some reason, I get off on that back-and-forth with a man. The witty insults, the sarcastic jabs… all’at. Even more so when I’m attracted to him and/or he’s my man. To have that type of communication constantly? With the dude of my desire (and I, his desire)? *swoonage*

Yup, definitely want all of this in my life. Bonus life points if it comes in the form of a Boris or an Idris.

Pinchers, do you want a mate? And if so, why? Like, have you specifically considered why you’d want one? For my taken Pinchers out there, what about having a mate do you appreciate? Let’s get all lovey-dovey up in here. Orgy swag.

Love ya like Sade loves making babymaking music,

Cheekie

*I actually haven’t tried this and I’m pretty sure, if done right — such as a slight booty grab — my interview for an entry-level position could turn into an offer for an executive position.

Friday Foolery: Zero Phalanges

So, I was sitting at my work computer eagerly typing away at my TPS reports…

… Wayment, *record scratch*. Yes, I gotta record scratch my own shat because I am so full of it. Know how I’m full of it? Because my job doesn’t EEEM entail nan T, P, nor S reports.

So. I was eagerly typing in my GChat box at work when L Boogie hit me up with “how have I not seen this?” followed by a YouTube link. I immediately had to echo the question because we’re the same person I seriously couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it, either.

The video in question? Is brought to you by Mr. Phill Wade (a brotha I have quite the foolery-induced affinity for as I’ve mentioned in the past):

I Say Look Ma, No FCC-Delayed Commentary:

0:15 – Ok, right off the BAT, (the baseball one that goes with peanut butter and jelly) I’m in love. This nicca is singing “The Lion King” opening sequence goon call. YASSSS.

0:24 – Seriously, that is totally some ish I’d do. Sit at the computer and bust out singing “NAHHHHHZEWAYNYAAAAAADEBADEEZSAYDABAHYAH.” Why? Because it’s an extra dope part in the movie, that’s why. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to enter rooms while someone yells that in the background.

0:35 – LOL @ him doing the background ad-libs, too. I do wonder what he mumbled at this point, doe! (Pinchers, help me and my AARP ear out. Per favore and grazie.)

0:44 – That DANCE! AHAHAHA.

0:53 – Did this mofo just do some Alvin Ailey type dance moves?! No sense. NO sense, I tell you.

1:02 – Ok, I guffawed at him accidentally slapping the chair when he danced. Mostly because I always seem to do something like that when I’m really getting into my foolish-dancing mojo. He hurt himself, too! Yeah, typical me. I’m a foolery thug.

1:19 – And of COURSE, in pure brilliance, Phill uses this opportunity to create a song. LOL

1:35 – I love how his finger is shaking and whatnot. It’s funny because it’s TRUE. That is real life, yo.

1:38 – Is that Dave Chappelle voice?! Tyrone Biggums. AHAHAHA.

2:04 – WAIT. He is SERIOUSLY singing a gospel version of “No Hands” WHILST pretending to be a crackhead. I not only quit Phill, I fire him. Prepare to get a pink slip, fool. OMG, I hate that I love him.

2:10 – HE JUST GOT UP AND DID THE “I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT” DANCE!!! And I’m done for…

2:17 – His resting stance, doe!

2:30 – “I’mma sip moscata (yes it sound like he said moscata), you gone lose yo pants… wait!” LMFAO. I cannot with him.

2:37 – Best “no hands” dance EVAH. On the real. He is gettin’ it, too!

2:46 – *hollers*

2:56 – And of course his homies laughing in the background always gets me. I’mma NEED for these dudes to be my friends. It can’t be boring around these fools. Ever.

3:08 – Did this kneegrow just say “communion!” after he poured some dayum Vitamin Water into the lid?!!!! *falls clean the eff out*

3:26 – He blessed dude like a G! AHAHAHAHA. He pulled off dude’s hat THEN slapped the ish outta his bald head. And called it a blessing. LORDT.

3:40 – Yeah, I want them as my friends for Christmas. It’s settled, Santa. Get on that, nicca.

3:51 – And end it with the cone-bread!! YES!!!

Ya’ll, I can’t breathe. Revive me in the comment section. Oh, and have a good weekend!!

Love ya like one’s alma mater loves its alumini (money),

Cheekie