Friday Foolery: Wipe Your Weeping Eyes

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Pinchers, this Saturday I’m heading to Cancun for about a week. Yup, that means next week I’ll be eGhost. I know you hate to see me go, but love to watch me leave but I shall return in July! I will miss you muchly! Aw, don’t cry…

But, SPEAKING of crying…

The following video contains all kinds of WTF-ery. It’s just so — well, lemme back up and tell you how I came across it.

I was partaking in Gchat with L Boogie when she directed me to Phonte’s current Twitter avatar (follow him here if you ain’t already; he is TOO foolish). Which, just to be clearer than Johnny Nash can see now that the rain is gone, it is NOT a picture of Phonte himself. The actual dude’s name is “Sire.” (as I sit here wondering who sired him) \(-_-)/ Ok.

Anywho.

I, of course, fell out laughing in my eDramatic way, but then she decided to kill me even further* by linking the source:

You Can’t Hear My Live Commentary, So Read It:

0:02 – Hol’ up. Wayment. (Wayment. Hol’ up!) Did he just jack the set from “Between Two Ferns?” Lawd, rent really IS too damn high.

0:04 – That curl, doe. It isn’t just making his soul glow, it’s making it glisten. Ol’ emollient soul. Somewhere beneath a pile of pictures from his Twitter groupies, Fiddy Cent is WISHING his F-Curl (you can guess what the F stands for; it can actually be a few things) could get to that level of dopeness.

0:05 – Was that a gotdang compact disc in the background?!

0:09 – Uh-oh, Sire is pattin’ the side of his thigh. You know what THAT means. He is about to go INNNNNNNNNN…

0:14 – ( ._.) WAIT. Tell me he is just warming up. Because I am about to BUST out laughing.

0:19 – “HWHOAAAAAAA, Mama Mia Mama Miaaa.” Mama Mia, indeed. My, my.

0:24 – This dude said, “Tiny little tears, smaller than adult tears.” *falls the EFF out thanks to the law of foolery AND gravity.” Ok, that line won me over. I want this entire song on a t-shirt. Not the lyrics. I mean, I want this video playing on a t-shirt. No buffering.

0:30 – I’m mad he keep sayin’ “Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa” as if he is JAMMIN (on the one). I believe it is an unwritten rule that you can only do vocal acrobatics such as this when you actually sound good doing so. I mean, you can’t be adding extra ish to a song when no one wants to even hear the basic bish lyrics. Right? Am I right?! Of course I’m right. I’m a chick. Zing!

0:32 – Ok, he can hear the children cry, but can he hear ME crying from laughter? Pinchers, I am DONE for. Lawdhamercy.

0:37 – You saw that little neck-pop he did just then? Like, he just KNOW he a dime. Mmmhmm.

0:40 – WHY is that CD spinning back there? Is that his demo?

0:53 – Did he just try vibrato? Ma’am. And “Louder than the loudest sound.” ??? How does that work… exactly?

0:59 – That DVD cover, doe!!! Why dude look so forlorn?!

1:01 – Didn’t it look like Sire was finna say (or “sing”) somethin’ else at the very end? LMAO. Womp.

Yo, I love how I laughed at the video longer than the actual duration of the video. I’m STILL laughing. Alas, it was a shorty, but goodie. That’s not even what she said.

Oh, and yes, That Damn African, I am now a bit more familiar with “Tim & Eric Awesome Show.” Life is quite the humorous experience. (Bit.ly shortened the previous statement to “Life is funny”, btw)

Well, Pinchers, hope you enjoyed today’s foolishness! Have a fabulous remainder of the month!

Love ya like superhero movies love the summer,

Cheekie

P.S. I’m seriously gonna be humming this song on the plane ride to Cancun. I’m also going to be deeply pondering why I can’t hear the children cry… SMH @ my entire vacation.

P.S.S. Bonus pinchable points to the Pincher who can guess what I’m referring to in the title of today’s post!

*Which is totally possible. Remember the scene in “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” when Madea described how her ex was “8 feet under” because she beat him down two more feet into the grave? That.

The 5 Senses Of Me

"I see weird people."

I am so damn weird.

I think I’ve illustrated this fact in many ways throughout my eCrib. Today, however, I figured I’d have a little creative fun with how I share the little eccentricities that make up… me.

I got this idea while randomly mentioning a smell I’ve always been bizarrely fond of with the eTwinny, Beez. Then we went on some deep and philosophical diatribe on how smell was the strongest sense of memory and all that jazzy bebop. And by “deep and philosophical diatribe”, I mean “approximately 4-6 lines of Gchatting about boys and cologne.”

Anywho.

It got me thinking of the five senses and I said to myself, “Lady Self*, I wonder if there are other random neurosis I have that are attributed to each of the five senses?” Guess I’ll answer that question right here and now… starting with the sense of inspiration:

1. Smell – What is the smell that has bizarrely captured my deviated septum? Gasoline. And just to be clear (on some crystal ish), I’m not talkin’ Love Liza levels; I don’t walk around getting high off gasoline. I just happen to think the smell is pleasant. And I especially loved it as a kid. I distinctly remember riding to the gas station with one of my adult family members, turning to look at everyone’s scrunched up faces and realized that I was smiling. Because, I enjoyed the smell. I have no idea what I loved about it and it’s not like I’d buy “Eau De Petro” to spray on myself if it existed, I just… did. And hilariously enough, as I got older and interacted with more and more people (especially since becoming enthralled with the internets), I realized this bizarre trait wasn’t as uncommon as I thought it was. Ya’ll some weirdos, for real.

2. Sight – “Why do you notice that stuff? I’m convinced you just attract crazy people!” This is what my big sis always tells me. And… *looks at the fools I interact with during work days*… she may be right about that “attract crazies” part. But, the real reason why I notice the little details that others may not is because I’m very observant. I don’t just see, I view. The little details I notice are a complete oxymoron to my squinty eyes, lemme tell ya. But, I’ve always been that way. As a kid, I had quite the active imagination. Blame the writer in me. I love to people-watch and every seemingly small moment is a potential movie scene to me. I can sit and watch people while constructing little dialogue scenes in my head for hours. I’m a daydream believer and yet I was never Homecoming Queen. What part of the game is that?!

3. Hearing – There was a little something that Miss Patterson wrote over at her spot called, “Flirting 101 At Ava Bar & Lounge” and it stuck out to me. She mentioned not being the greatest at hearing things and would just smile & nod after reaching the “Huh?”-question limit. And I could actually relate. Especially with mumblers, fast-talkers, or those with thick foreign accents.** And I can be a mumbler/fast-talker myself. I guess we all do that when around folks we’re used to. However, I’m so bad that I always choose the subtitle option when I’m watching a movie. Yeah, even when it’s in English. I’m a stan for good dialogue so I never want to miss a good line. So, since I don’t mind “reading my movies” (thus, I luh me some foreign films) and reading the lines usually cements them in my memory for future referencing, this works for me.

4. Taste – As linked above, I have a funny relationship with food. But, there is probably no taste that resonates with me quite like the combination of candy and water. Jigga what?! Jigga yes. I enjoy my candy with ice cold water. ALWAYS. And any type of candy, really. Chocolate or fruity. Though, I favor the latter. Refrigerated Gummi Bears and ice water, for example, gives me more life than blood pumping through my veins. There is something about the sensation I get from gulping down freezing water after chewing up a piece of candy that I can’t quite explain. All I know is that it makes me happy. I remember I bonded with this goofy gay guy in high school MAINLY because he also liked the candy/water combo as well as making goofy comments in class which made us laugh until we cried. Good times. Scratchin’ and survivin’.***

5. Touch – Let’s not even talk about how I can’t keep my hands out of my hair. Well, not yet. Stay tuned. As far as touch goes, in general, I can’t keep my hands off certain textures. Feel good textures like cuddly pillows. And even textures that creep or gross me out. A couple years ago, I inexplicably developed hives (hence why I don’t just refer to my skin as sensitive, it’s emo), leaving me with random bouts of dermatographism (read up on it here, it’s insane as all hell) whenever I scratched at the itchy hives. And even though the inflamed red spots freaked me out in every which way, I couldn’t help but touch them… to feel them (and the craziest part about it was how quickly the spots just vanished, even as offensive as they appeared). It’s how I feel about mosquito bites, errant bumps, or any other weird texture I come across. I MUST investigate it through my hands. What can I say? I’m a toucher. Maybe that explains my love for hugs. I like to cop feels? ( ._.)

Pinchers! Now that I’ve completely turned you off from me shared a bit MORE of what makes me an oddity, it’s your turn. And please have fun with my “5 Senses” structure. Are there things attributed to each sense that makes you… you?

Love ya like Charlotte loves her some terrific, radiant, humble pig, Wilbur,

Cheekie

*Of COURSE my self has been knighted. For one, Keisha Brown calls me “Lady Cheeks” and she’s a (fellow) Leo, thus a queen. Alas, my knighthood is legit.
**And when I say “foreign”, I mean anything outside what is familiar to where I live. Whether that be outta state OR out of country. Because, yes, EVERYone has an accent. Yeah, even you. We just say other people do because they sound different. Because, from another person’s perspective, you have an accent and THEY don’t.
***Do ya’ll, like me, wonder if they’re talkin’ about a crackhead in the “scratchin’ and survivin’” lyric of the Good Times theme song?

Yeah, I’m McMad

This gives a new meaning to "cocktease."

I have a great relationship with McDonald’s. I have fabulous memories of gorging on their infamous fries, discovering a cool new toy in my Happy Meal, and letting my imagination go wild in Ronald McDonald’s Playhouse. Memories from my childhood, of course. Just to be clear. ( ._.)

Even today, I still can’t get enough of their addictive fries despite having to take a HUGE break from them after seeing Super Size Me… that ish had me SICK. Of course, we’ve had our roadblocks where I’ve questioned their judgment or I’ve jokingly mocked their attempts to cater to my melanin-prone family. And I have vastly decreased my trips there since college (a time in which I actually LOST weight… but, maybe that had more to do with not having enough money to eat more than 1.5 full meals a day… o_O). However, amongst all that, I still got love for the old-time classic.

Recently, doe? McDonald’s pissed me square off. Yes, all four equal sides of pissivity.

In case you’re not aware, McDonald’s has a new ad campaign introducing their 4 new sauces for their McNuggets. I mean, they’re not exactly new, but they’re pretty much saying that some of the sauces they offered for a limited time in the past, are now permanently on the menu. Pinchers, I was HYPED. And for one sauce in particular…

THE SWEET CHILLI SAUCE.

I remember when they first introduced the sauce for a short time, I went gaga (no Lady) all over it. It was my most favorite thang evah. In terms of nuggets, I had been a barbecue sauce girl, but when this sweet chili came into my life? *faints to fully explain the effect it had on me*

While they featured this sauce, I was a nugget-eating fool. Even when I had grown tired of the nuggets, I got them just so I can get to fully experience the sauce… a sauce I knew wasn’t going to last long.

And then, just like that — *snaps fingers to emphasize — it was gone. I was so melancholy. And I remember going on one of my rants about how I never understand why restaurants take away something that is CLEARLY popular amongst its customers. I mean, I kinda get what McDonald’s does with its McRib (something I’ve never tasted, and probably never will now that I don’t fool with the swine, but it resembled that mystery cafeteria meat) by drawing up demand (and pretty much creating cult status) when it only occasionally offers the sammich. But, to totally cut off something from the menu with no guarantee of it returning?! *randomly slaps self in frustration*

Oh, sorry. Kinda lost myself there.

Anyhow.

I was completely thrilled to hear the new news.* So, one day I had a real taste for some fast food and decided to indulge myself in that sweet, sweet chilli sauce I hadn’t had in so long.

So, I (figuratively) skipped into McDonald’s, while passing the ad (the same one as the pic feature up there) with an expectant grin.

It all went down a little like this…

McDonald’s Mama (MM): Hi, welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?

Me: Yeah, I’ll have the number 10.

MM: Barbecue sauce?

Me: *smiles* Naw, do you guys have the “sweet chilli?” *polite smile grows into a wistful smile*

MM: *without looking away from cash register* No.

Me (in my head): GAEDGRGHERHGREDHDFVVRWGRFGBDFVF

Me: (mumbles): Oh. Um.. well, yeah barbecue sauce is fine.

-__O

I felt like a girl getting herself hyped up for a date, only to be stood up. Which, maybe be a little dramatic, but you have no idea how much I wanted to molest that sweet chilli. Hmph.

I mean, they HAD the ad out there and didn’t have the sauces?! SIR. Yes, McDonald’s is a man. Only a man can disappoint me like this. Pow!

Anyway, as I was halfheartedly munching on my basic bish barbecue nuggets, I was expressing my disappointed frustrations with the homie, L Boogie when I mentioned the writing on the nugget box (it basically asked which SAUCE, I had… the nerve) and how it was taunting me. I told her I wanted to just write, “STFU HO!” on the box and this fool said I should.

And what did THIS — *points to self* — fool, do?

Well, I’m a shower not a teller…

Um, yeah…

So, Pinchers, are you a McDonald’s fan? And if so, are you excited about the new sauces? Which one is your favorite? While, you’re commenting, by the way… please feel free to give me a hug for the strife I’ve had to endure. Merci and whatnot.

Love ya like Fred Sanford loves insulting Esther,

Cheekie

*RIGHT after typing “new news”, I knew it was redundant, but I kept saying it over and over in my head (and a couple out loud) and figured it sounded cute and funny. So, I kept it there. Would you like to try on the “who gon’ check me boo?” outfit?

Friday Foolery: Word To Marvin Gaye

There are many moments in life that illicit the following question: What’s going on? Or to be a bit more accurate, “WTF is going on?!”

This question may arise while watching your local news, while standing in the middle of a chaotic crowd, or while being hit on by a person shaped like Arkansas.* Thing is, life is full of circumstances that leave us questioning said circumstances. With a (figurative) question mark above our heads. Like the cartoons.**

So, a couple days ago, I was eStrolling (no Greek) down my Twitter timeline and tweeting my usual inspirational/educational messages to the masses (o______O) when I came across @biglilkim’s avatar. Now, allow me to scratch the record for a little backstory. @BigLilkim’s avatars will ALWAYS have you dying laughing. She has a reputation for rocking those avatars that’ll leave you shocked and/or breathless from cracking the hell up.

The avatar in question? Well, lookey here, I got it for ya:

Yo, this had me CRYING for a good 5 – 10 minutes. It’s one of those, “I’m not even quite sure why this is so hilarious, but LAWD, it shole is” type things. Some questions/concerns:

– WHY was Lamar Odom’s father the first thing I thought of?

– To echo That Damn African (not surprisingly… at all… he will appear as an inspiration again later on in this post) when I showed him this picture in Gchat, “nigga thinks if he stands still, no one will see him. he’s on that jurassic park steez.” RIGHT. Why is this creature standing at attention? You can just tell he is thinking, “INVISIBILITY CLOAK ACTIVATE, DAMMIT! ACTIVATE!!!!!” Or chanting in his head, “You can’t see me, nyah nyah nyah nyah” like a little 5 year old.

– Also, the very presence of that random mofo over there even makes the pictures of the two sets of twins funnier, by default. Like, my eyes traveled over to the right and started busting out laughing JUST because I compared it to ol’ dude.

LAWD.

In the same vein…

Later that day, TDA linked the following pic with the question, “sorry to interrupt, but what does this mean?”

I also (and RIGHTFULLY) have questions/concerns about this pic, JUST like Fozzie Bear who happens to be witnessing this fragglenackle bull LIVE:

– Let’s start with the aluminum foil dress, wig-wearing gentleman. SIR. You have great legs… um, I mean, I’m sure this can all be explained with the existence of Halloween, but let’s pretend it can’t. Fozzie, having probably just learned about the differences between boys and girls is CLEARLY confuddled as to why the young lady is tinkling in the exact manner in which he himself has learned to tinkle.

– What makes this picture so insane is not only that someone is scratching their head over a “chick” standing up to do their mellow yellow bidness, but that it’s a random arse MUPPET. In fact, THAT, my friends… is what makes it art.

I still have absolutely no answers as to what is truly going on in either of the pictures nor do I have any idea as to why they even exist, but I do know one thing. I’m lowkey ashamed for associating the legendary Marvin Gaye with this foolishness.

*considers changing title*

Aw, hell, what’s done is done. Well done. Like a burnt steak.

Have a great weekend, Pinchers!

Love ya like Carrie Bradshaw loves fashion that no one believes she can actually afford,

Cheekie

*I’m not the only kid who pronounced it, “Are-CAN-siss” for the longest, right? K.
**Real life would be much more interesting if we could do that. Show our emotions by flashing punctuation marks, idea-inducing lightbulbs, or miscellaneous “cussing” characters above our heads. Ya know, ish like that.

A Senseless Scare

No reason to be afraid of this. In fact, it's unintentionally hilarious.

As everyone knows, I am quite the thug. o_O

And yet, even I am afraid of some things. Of course there’s the usual things that most people are afraid of such as bugs, rabid dogs, and Chuck Norris… but when you have as active (and ratchet) of imagination as me, some of your fears can end up making little to no sense. I call them “irrational fears.”

I was Gchatting instead of working with the lovely Keisha Brown about something random (most likely, NOTHING having to do with what it eventually segued to, knowing me), when I told her, “Ya know, I have a lowkey fear of quicksand.”

-__________________-

Backstory swag.

When I was about 10 years old, I went through a phase when I was totally obsessed with Disney’s The Jungle Book (the live action, Rudyard Kipling version) and I watched it a hunnid trillion times a week. Well, there was this one scene where one of the characters (if my geriatric memory serves me right, he was a bad guy) accidentally landed in a huge pool of quicksand. As soon as he realized where he was, he jerked and writhed in an attempt to get out (and everyone who knows about quicksand knows that if you struggle, it only makes you sink faster) and next thing you know, his entire body was submerged in a dark quicksand abyss.

Lemme tell you somethin’. I was SPOOKED. Ever since then, I basically teetered between “having some idea that quicksand is a myth” and “being totally careful when I walked along the beach.” In fact, I still don’t quite know. Well, until I Wikipedia’d it just now. <<~~ Yeah, that Aha! Moment right there? Was LIVE. Exclusive.

So, yeah, quicksand is indeed real, but it is virtually impossible for a human to be totally sucked into it. Whew! Weight. Lifted. Let’s not even talk about how I lived absolutely NOWHERE that had the climate where quicksand usually dwells and I justified this by assuming that quicksand could somehow form at the beach surrounding Lake Michigan. SMH @ my obviously public education.

Hence, said fear was very irrational. Here are a few other irrational fears I have…

– The Thunderstorm. See, this is where my imagination gets the best of me. Blame it on “Youngest Child With Only Child Tendencies” syndrome (which is what you get when your siblings are 14 years older than you). I wasn’t necessarily afraid of the thunderstorm itself (though I did have a slight fear of being struck my lightening every time I walked under a tree, because that’s where it ALWAYS happens o_O), but whenever I’d hear a thunderclap… I always thought we were at war. Like, I thought another country attacked us. I have no idea why this immediately came to mind other than learning about some World War in school at the time, but ever since then, when I heard a huge “boom!”, I thought a missile hit my neighborhood. Because that’s what an enemy country would attack first if the United States pissed them off. The effing Southside of Chicago.

– The Bridge. The drawbridge, to be specific. In downtown Chicago, there are several bridges that cross the Chicago River and some of them rise to let the boats pass through. Well, I’ve always had a fear that the bridge would let up while I was in the middle of walking across it. I have this vivid reoccurring DAYmare where I stroll across the bridge, then I hear a loud beeping and the bridge splits into two parts, causing me to either fall in between the split (like ol’ dude in Titanic… wasn’t that the worst way to perish, evah? Actually, that movie features a ton of “worst way to perish evah” moments, but allow me to digress) or slide down one side at an alarming speed and crash into… Jeebus knows what. Whatever the scenario, it scared the ever-living frick and frack out of me. Despite me never hearing of this ever happening to anyone before. (I sweahfogawd if any of ya’ll link it, I will tell my mama on you). *shudder*

Pinchers, do you have any irrational fears? PLEASE share so that I don’t feel alone in my insanity. Basically, let’s turn my eCrib into an asylum. (._.)

Love ya like telenovelas love slapping,

Cheekie

Express Yourself… Checkout

I know you're about that self-reliance, homie, but um...

You never quite understand something that happens to someone else until it happens to you.  Ya know, walking in someone else’s shoes and whatnot.

No other time made this phrase more acute (and honestly, hilariously silly) than this past Friday.

A little backstory.

There’s a Walgreens right across the street from my work building and it always comes in handy when I need to make a quick stop for snacks, drugs, and misc. chick products. Recently, the store made a little change that probably… well, saved them a little change. They tore down all of the cash registers (except for in the beauty and photo departments) and replaced them with several self-checkout registers.

Folks were not pleased with this. I, however, didn’t mind the change. Other than the fact that I felt sorry for the few people who lost their jobs to a machine, I adapted to the new system quite easily. I used to chuckle at the poor ladies who threw up their hands in frustration as they called over one of the staff members for assistance because they couldn’t get a barcode to scan or they had trouble with choosing a form of payment. I would think to myself, “It ain’t that difficult, and it’s pretty self-explanatory.”

Yeah, karma is quite the female dog.

So, this past Friday, I went into Walgreens to get a card for my niece’s high school graduation. I got the graduation card and an iTunes gift card. I moseyed on over to the self-checkout section with a quiet confidence and stood at one of the registers. I hit the start button and scanned the graduation card. Then threw the card in the bag.

Self-Checkout Chick Voice (SCCV): Please put item in bag or choose, “Do Not Want To Bag Item”

Me (in my head): o_O Um, it’s in there. *plucks card out of bag and places it back in just in case the sensor didn’t pick it up the first time*

SCCV (on screen): Choose, “Don’t Want To Bag Item”

Me: SIGH.

So, even though I clearly had the item in the bag, I chose, “Do Not Want To Bag Item” just so the lady would STFU.

Then came time for the gift card. Lawd, this is when things went waaaaay left. On some Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” ish. I tried to scan the bar code across the scanner, but it didn’t seem to take. So, I called over a staff member. I was calm at this point because I had a feeling they would have to use their authority to scan a gift card anyway. So, the staff member scanned it and put in some bawse code and that was that. Well, at least I thought so.

I tried to put the gift card in the bag, but then…

SCCV: Please call staff member to authorize gift card.

Me: I just did!

I called her over again and she performed some special magic trick to get the SCCV to pipe down. I tried to bag it again…

SCCV: Please authorize date of gift card.

Me: WTF. *calls over staff member again*

She returned another time and laughed all, “I have no idea why we even have to put in the date of these cards, it’s so silly.” I laughed with her because at that point, I was pretty frustrated and really, there was nothing else do to. Plus, the lady was nice, so it’s not like she pushed a button.

Finally, the gift card went through. But, it wasn’t over. Then, I tred to press “Finish & Pay” so I could get the eff outta there. This was already taking too long at this point. And I did this right before heading work, thinking it would be a quick trip. Alas…

SCCV: Unexpected item in bagging area.

Me: *Scooby Doo confused bark*

SCCV (onscreen): *highlights the graduation card it had trouble sensing in the first dayum place*

Me (through gritted teeth): HO, YOU JUST SAID…

I called over the staff member one last time. I showed her that I, indeed, scanned the card but it accused me of stealing a cotton pickin’ Hallmark card. Again, I was laughing with her and she laughed, shook her head, and cleared the transaction. I paid and hurried the entire hell outta there.

JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS.

So, yes, now I know the pure frustration of self-checkouts. Like I said before, I already felt bad for the folks who lost their jobs, but really, what is the point of completely replacing humans with machines if you’re going to need the humans to be the backup when the machines (inevitably) fail?

*flings self off curb*

Pinchers, do you feel me? Have you had any problems with the self-checkout trend? Rant away. Mi eCrib es su eCrib.

Love ya like Foghorn Leghorn loves to go off on 50-lem tangents,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Race Matters

Lemme preface this introduction with the following: This introduction WAS gonna be like my other seamless (o_O) and brilliantly relevant Friday Foolery introductions , but then I realized I had the worst memory ever. Well, to be specific, I’m dope with convenient memory, but real life valid memory? I kinda suck at. Let’s just say if I remember something about you, it means I truly care. Blame it on the 50-lem trillion things going on in my head at once.

Anyhow.

I was gConversating with one of my regular “work hours” peoples (that I obviously can’t remember because I would’ve named them and LINKED to their blog/twitter/BlackPlanet page) when we randomly started discussing the infamous “That’s Racist!” .gif. For those of you who don’t know, well… I’m a shower, not a teller:*

Well, my gChat buddy deftly inquired the very origin of this adorable (and now epic) little boy. What was he actually saying in the original clip? Because now that the caption was placed there, it’s quite difficult to attribute it to anything other than calling out someone’s trifling racism.

Personally, I have a soft spot for the even more dramatic and ratchet remix of the .gif:

That one is so wrong it ends up being right. This makes sense, of course.

Anyway, that question got me thinking. I know, as if I need 50-lem trillion and ONE things on my mind. Les sighs. I’m such foolery overachiever. I have the whole foolish world in my hands. I’m the Atlas of Foolsville.  … Wow, lemme stop before I continue to go…

So, here are the things I imagine the boy (possibly) said pre-”That’s Racist!” caption:

– That’s Swagdad! (perhaps an homage to “Bombs Over Swagdad?”)

– Hot Fries & Steak!

– That’s fake Dad!

– Your rack’s hot!

– Can’t trace it!

– We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

\(._.)/

Pinchers, what do YOU think he’s actually saying? Does anyone have an accurate source that reveals the true history behind this .gif? You will be pinched for your efforts! There will be pinches. I pinch your milkshake.

o_O Yeah, it’s definitely time for the weekend…

Enjoy yours!

Love ya like Google loves to have quirky homepages,

Cheekie

P.S. I REALLY need to give credit where it’s due. Seriously, if you’re the one who asked this fabulous question, speak now or forever hold your peace (or “piece”, if ya nasty… hell, it’s Friday).

*Kinda like Michael Jackson claimed he’s a lover, not a fighter. Same concept.

I’m Wit Ya, Kirk!

Gangbanging for God

He’s the Diddy of Gospel. The Lively Lilliputian. He’s Kirk Franklin.

And I’d be one hell of a liar (and pretty much smacking the Ninth Commandment in the figurative face), if I said I WASN’T a Kirk Franklin stan back in the day. Because, goodness gracious, I shole was! Let’s not talk about his alleged addiction to pr0n because I don’t wanna sully my childhood, K? K.

It all started with a music teacher. It was 7th grade and I walked into Mr. Felton’s class with an eager smile. Now, I’d known Mr. Felton throughout my elementary school career, but I knew this time would be different. Because this time, I’d be participating in his infamous 7th/8th grade choir. And for the years I spent in 7th and 8th grade, it was all Kirk Franklin airthang. Once he started playing the God’s Property/Nu Nation notes on his piano, I was hooked.

I’d heard Kirk Franklin songs before, but I was never as immersed in Franklin’s hype as I was when I was in Felton’s choir. Yo, we were CRUNK. We were like a mini God’s Property. You couldn’t tell us nuffin. It was, seriously, one of the best times of my life.

Reminiscing (on some T.R.O.Y. ish) about those good times got me thinking about specific songs. And of course, I have favorites. I cannot wait to share them with you. Which is why I’m sharing them now…

The Franklin Favorite Five.

1. Stomp. Of course! Any Kirk list without this joint is invalid, by default. Simply put: “GP are ya wit me?! Oh yeah, we at the church we ain’t goin’ no where!” (though some folks say “havin’ church, hell, at one point, I thought it was “got the church”… guess this should be added to my misheard lyrics post?). I used to get too hype over this song. Because I had the stomp, the whole stomp, nothin’ but the stomp. And the fact that my favoritest hip-hop chick, Salt from Salt-N-Pepa made a guest appearance on the song? Girrrrrrl. *faints*

2. Revolution. Mannnn, I can’t even describe the true bliss I felt when I first heard this song. What was I, 13, when this joint dropped? I thought it was the coolest thang evah. The Kirk rap break? The delivery of “Say what ya feelin’, what ya want son/Who you callin’ to son, you know Jesus is the true son/The second in the Trinity, I know ya feelin’ him/Five hundred days left, until the new millenium” gave me all kinds of life. I’d run around my bedroom raisin’ the roof all “Whoop Whoop!” and feeding off Kirk’s infinite energy. I was dope, don’t hate.

3. Lean On Me. What I loved most about this joint was the diverse collaboration. Kirk, Mary J. Blige, R. Kelly (o_O in retrospect, huh?), Bono, Crystal Lewis. This song was probably one of the most beautifully melancholy things I’d ever heard at that time. Mary’s part was my favorite and I just KNEW I could blow when her verse came on. I have vivid memories of belting out this song with actual tears in my eyes. Definitely was a significant song in my life (albeit short, lol) at the time.

4. You Are The Only One. One of our best performed joints. Whenever we’d have an assembly in school, we’d perform this one. And I — along with another classmate, Yolanda — were honored with doing the Kirk Franklin hype man break. My favorite part was the “boo-ya-kah boo-ya-kah boo-ya-kah woooooo!” at the end.

5. Why We Sing. A classic. Probably my first foray into all that was Kirk. I think this is some of Kirk’s best Diddy-esque work. The ad-libs are perfection and I remember thinkin’ he was so dope for effortlessly leading and complimenting the choir. And the a cappella breaks in the song are EVERY SINGLE THING. You know a choir is the ish when they can nail an a cappella break. It really makes you FEEL the music. The spirit. Le wistful sigh.

So, now that I’ve geeked out about Mr. Franklin, it’s your turn. Now you KNOW you were down with GP at one point. *throws up various gang signs* Share your Kirk memories. CP*, are ya wit me?!

Love ya like everyone loves Tom Hanks**,

Cheekie

*Cheekie’s Pinchers. Brilliance, right? Right.
**Seriously, is there ANYONE (who doesn’t eat babies) that doesn’t love him?!

Friday Foolery: Expect The Unexpected

I love that phrase. “Expect the unexpected.” Ya know, the title of this post. It’s still up there just in case you forgot it. Or you can just re-read the sentence that is located three sentences before this one. The choice is yours.

Anyway, I love it because you can expect that something unexpected may happen, but the actual unexpected thing? Specifically? You can’t expect it. Pretty dope, huh?

So, I was pontificating with a Sir Panama Jackson (it’s his born day, btw; show him love, peace, and baldy grease.) about this very concept one sunny day that turned into a thunderstormy day, which turned into a sunny day, which turned into a thunderstormy day, which finalized into a sunny day.* And by “pontificating”, I mean, Panama sent me some video that had him tearfully cracking up and told me the reason it was so funny was because “[he] just wasn’t expecting it.”

The video in question (assuming you even asked)? Well:

– Number effing one: It features one of the best movie theme songs in the history of Thomas Edison. “You’re The Best Around”, from the OG “Karate Kid” soundtrack. Love, by default.

– LOL, the poor hurdler was trying his best to get his hurdle hustle on. He failed at two attempts and it took the second attempt (in, which he almost toppled over and knocked down the opponent next to him) for him to just say “EFF IT” and run THROUGH the hurdles. Hell, at one point, he just flipped one over as you would a table in anger/frustration.

– That pimp walk after the race was over > you.

Yup, that ticked Panama’s elbow. Also known as his funny bone. Speaking of funny, that’s what life is. Life is, indeed, funny. Life is like a stand-up comedian that is never swept off the Apollo stage.

Example time.

That very same day, That Damn African up and sent me the following .gif:

– MA’AM. MA’AMS. This joint had me SOBBING from laughter. Why? That’s right… the unexpected. I, of course, had no idea what would appear in this first-person video story. I knew it was gonna be funny. NEVER woulda expected anything like that. I’m definitely a fan of surprises, as long as they result in happiness. I engaged in my best laugh that day after seeing the above, thus happiness ensued.

– But, let’s discuss this. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! Like, why is this occurring on Earth? I mean, they just rollin’ with the homies in a Hoveround/reglah wheelchair combo. AND they’re pretty much in the bike lane. What in all that is the holy Oprah fat wagon convinced them to travel this way?!!

– Yo, is the lady in the front, the mama from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”?

– Also, love how the lady in the back flicks off the guy filming the shenanigans. I honestly didn’t notice this ’til like the second or third viewing since my eyes were so blurry with tears.

LAWD.

Happy Friday, Pinchers! I hope you have a ratchet weekend!

Love ya like Jet Magazines used to love coffee tables,

Cheekie

*This happened. All in one day. Chicago is a TRIP when it comes to weather. And politics. And public education. And sales tax. And public transportation. Oh, hell… *goes off somehwere to console self with Harold’s Chicken*

The List Of Buckets

I REALLY hope a bucket is next to me right before I hit the stairway to heaven. I'mma be official.

Yes, I said, “The List of Buckets.” I’d like my Bucket List to be a tad more legendary than the average Jane, thanks.

For those of you that live under a rock’s pet rock, a Bucket List is a list of things you want and/or plan to experience before you kick the (proverbial) bucket. WHY a bucket was ever likened to death is beyond me (and I’m too lazy to Wikipedia it; knowing this information is obviously NOT on my bucket list), but it is what it is. Because I’m a dramatic creature, I’d wager that I’d crane-kick my bucket. And yes, Mr. Miyagi, (RIP) will give a wise head-nod, expressing his approval.

Discussing death has never been nor will ever be an easy task. But, the concept of bucket lists has always fascinated me because even though it does acknowledge the thing we don’t wanna acknowledge, the fact that it is immersed with hope makes it okay. It gives us something to strive toward. To be our most adventurous and lively self. Basically, it gives us a nudge to actually live the life that mortality tells us isn’t forever.

So, what’s on my bucket list? I cannot eeeeeeeem share my entire list here because it’s so long (much like my infamous t-shirt idea list), but I’ll definitely share some of the highlights. Well, firstly, lemme be honest. I don’t actually have one. Written down, that is. Also like the aforementioned (and parenthesized) t-shirt list. I need to change that ASAPtually because I firmly believe in writing down the things you want to manifest in life. Maybe this will be a great start…

– Travel Internationally. I’mma wait while all ya’lls “O_O” faces adjust for a moment. Ok. That’s right, I’ve NEVER been out of the country.  Nope, not even Canada. In fact, I had never been on a plane until my early twenties. I JUST recently got my passport and I’ll tell ya why in a hot minute. First, a bit of backstory. My family was never big on travel. We never really had the means to take epic family vacations, especially since most of the time, my mother was struggling as a single parent. We pretty much did the basic Wisconsin Dells trip every now and then. Which, don’t get it twisted, we did it UP at the Dells. Anyhow. While I surely appreciate Mama Cheeks 24/7, I’m not gonna lie and say that I didn’t envy my peers who went to Florida or California. As any kid with big dreams would. However, that has changed. At the end of this month, the fam is descending upon Cancun to celebrate my niece’s high school graduation. And though it’s not THAT far away from the States, I am amped. Ya’ll don’t understand how surreal it was to get my passport in the mail a couple weeks ago. I actually kissed it. Yup, my passport went to first base. And of course, once I start traveling more, I’m gonna get hooked. The travel bug, if you will. Already planning a trip to Toronto for my born day. I have bigger and better destinations on the bucket list as well. I wanna see the world!

– Skydiving. Cliché? Sure. Give two rat’s asses that it is? Not at all. This one is near the top of my list. And I’ve already declared that I’m going to do it before I turn 30. I’ve witnessed many accounts of the skydiving experience, including a detailed play-by-play from MsEsquire as well as an actual self-taped video from Mr. Sanks. My adrenaline is doing the Tootsie Roll just thinking about it. I’ve even drafted a few folks to do it with me should I decide to for a birthday or something. Yes, Mama Cheeks is one of those people. She wild. This WILL happen.

– Disneyworld. You read that right. ME, Disney stan extraordinaire has never stepped foot in the land of Sir Mickey Mouse (Yes, I knighted him. I’m a Leo, thus a queen.). I know! I’m (figuratively) kicking myself in the face just thinking about it. But, yeah, see previous backstory about not traveling. Now ya’ll KNOW I must rectify this sooner than later. Which, I plan to do in the next year, at least. I just want to know the pure bliss of wearing a pair of Mickey Ears. I will surely do a heel-click, a Leiomy-drop, and a Rafiki goon call.

– Win an Oscar. For obvious reasons. I’m a fake starving artist screenwriter. And nothing will please me more than standing on the Kodak Theatre’s stage thanking God, my mama, my family, my friends, the Academy and my 50-lem Hollywood peers… WELL into the wrap-it up music stage while grasping a Best Original Screenplay Academy Award. And if you’re wondering, no, I don’t have my speech written down, but I DO have my opening line locked. Can’t tell ya that one because it’ll lose its sizzle. You’ll hear it on TV, though.

– Pinch Idris Elba’s Cheeks. And. You. Know. This. Mayne.

Well, it’s that time, Pinchers! What is on your bucket list? I’m intrigued! Leggo!

Love ya like Ty loves rollin’ with the homies,

Cheekie