*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Hey, Pinchers! Today, I’m honored to have God’s Executive Assistant and my eMama, MsEsquire! She’s hilarious and I’m still campaigning for her to have her own blog. And by “campaigning”, I mean, “saying, ‘You should have your own blog, guhl!’ every now and then.” I love her and if you ain’t already familiar (thus, already loving her because nothing else is even possible), you will feel the same way after reading the below. Enjoy!
I was raised in church (go Baptists!) and one of my favorite parts of the worship experience has always been the music. I sang in the choir (altos stand up!) and loved the way we along with the piano, organ, drums, tambourines*, horns and guitar all came together and to get the congregation on their feet. I love all kinds of gospel/Christian music: hymns, Negro spirituals, anthems, praise & worship songs, etc. However, there are a few songs that irk my nerves. Which songs, you ask? Well here we go:
1) “I’m Glad I Got that Old Time Religion” If you aren’t familiar with it here’s a sample of the lyrics: “On Monday, I got that old time religion. On Monday I got that old time religion. On Monday I got that old time religion. I’m glad, I’m glad, I’m glad!”
This song is sooo repetitive! It’s all fun and games when you’re singing about Monday and Tuesday but by Thursday you just want the misery to be over. Whoever wrote this was the world’s laziest lyricist. *sigh* I rarely hear this song anymore and for that I am exceedingly glad!
2) “Kumbaya” Main verse/chorus: “Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Ohhh Lord, Kumbaya.”
If you don’t know this song you must have been raised in a cave, barn or alternate universe. It’s a favorite in Sunday school, vacation Bible school, camps and daycare/nursery schools across the nation. My first problem: Who/what is a kumbaya and why can’t we just use the English word/phrase?! Second problem: Why are the lyrics so uncreative? It’s like a 5 year-old wrote it! Whenever, I hear this song referenced in real-life or a TV/show movie I cringe. It makes me want to kick a squirrel!**
3) “Jesus Will Work It Out” (original and remix) I hate this song so much I REFUSE to type any of the “lyrics”.
I (thankfully!) have never heard either of these songs in an actual church service but Christian radio sneaks them into rotation enough that I’ve heard them more often than the law should allow. There are sooo many problems with this one but here are my top 3:
a) The soloist doesn’t sing, she screams. In the original version she screeches, “Abraham, Abraham!”*** and I promise he heard her. This pains my ears and my spirit. I want to slap her with a microphone!****
b) Why are almost all of her issues about being broke? Baby needs a pair a shoes, the light bill is due, house in foreclosure, etc. How about you stop hollering and get a job! The line I hate most is: “Telephone disconnect, waitin’ on yo’ next paycheck!”. Times are hard but what kind of hood ish is this?!
c) (This one is for my Bible scholars. *pops collar for Jesus*) The song is called Jesus will work it out but all of the Biblical references are to Old Testament stories…BEFORE JESUS WAS BORN!!! I love scripture references in songs (Fred Hammond is the man!) but could you PLEASE go to Bible study before you go to the studio. Most churches have it on Tuesday or Wednesday night, check your bulletin from Sunday and follow-up.
Anyway, those are the gospel songs that make me want to commit a felony. Do you have any?
Love you like Shirley Ceasar loves high collars and long hemlines,
MsEsquire 
“I Surrender All”
*shivers*
Nothing wrong with the song PER SE, but it was our altar call like EVERY WEEK. -_- So in my mind it’s associated with either being emotional about the service/disappointed in myself or being ret to get ta gettin but not being able to until we sing EVUHRAY verse in the song and being a Baptist church you know we sang EV. UH. RAY verse and sometimes even repeated it to give people more time. And listen, this was no MegaChurch…this was a a congregation of the same 58 people that have been going to this church since they were conceived…not like people needed time to get down from the rafters. -_- Let’s go! I’m hongray!
So…yeah, when I hear that song I have some trauma echos. But I have way more songs that trigger great memories:
The Old Rugged Cross, my Papa’s favorite.
I am a C… I am a C-H… I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N
Awesome God
etc…
And how awesome is it to be in the middle of services and someone has a praise and the whole congregation just swells into “How great…is our God…sing with me, How great….is our God…” Goosebumps.
Thanks for the post Ms Esquire! I enjoyed it muchly!
*still steps away from you though, in case you do indeed get smote-tuh-ded*
Starita how you gonna hate on my favorite tunes like that… especially
I am a C
I am a C-H…
song service was always my favorite part of church… Favorite
Those were my list of FAVORITE hymns!
#ReadingIsFundamental 
“I am a C… I am a C-H… I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N
Awesome God”
OMG, yes. Lowkey, my niece and I spend our leisurely time singing those super giddy church songs like Awesome God and the like. We are heathens.
I won’t be smote! The Bible says the truth shall set you free and this entire post was honest
Ooohhhh GLORY!the only song that makes me wanna shake all trees so that all squirrels may hit the ground hard is *clears throat* iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii love the Lawd he heard my crryyyyyyyyy!!!! It is THE worst on my Baptist ears not to mention puts a damper on my Sunday. I know it has history but no one sings it with vigor anymore OR rhythm OR in tune. Just a bunch of flat notes dragging till the end of the song. And is it juts me or does it sound like there are new verses created every week? *sigh*
The visual of shaking trees til squirrels hit the ground brought me so much glee, I’mma say an extra prayer for you tonight.
NOTE: the notion of squirrels raining from a tree is enough to give me a stroke!
LMAO I love this post. I love praise & worship so it hurts when I get distracted by an annoying song. I haven’t heard anyone sing Kumbaya since elementary school in a non-sarcastic way. And I DEFINITELY feel the same way about Jesus Can Work It Out. *goes to play some Israel & new Breed*
Yeah, Kumbaya is definitely left to elem. school days.
I LOVE Israel and New Breed! The music and lyrics are always on point. Have you heard the Live in South Africa cd?
Have I heard it? o_O YES! lol I love that album. Although their Live from Another Level is my favorite of theirs.
“Kumbaya”,the mere title of this song puts it on heavy rotation in my head-Ugh!I SWEAR U could hypnotize someone by singing the chorus over&over.But, admit it;its a ‘sweet’ kiddie gospel song.Thanks for the trip down memory lane:)
YES @ Kumbaya being a hypnotizing song. It’s so bland and monotone. GAH.
Hi Kimmie! *waves*
I thank you for the much needed laugh this morning!! And for the shout out to the sorely missed fish, Father Abraham. (I’d forgotten about him!).
My least favorite “gospel” song and one that most people, if lucky, have never heard: “God Don’t Need No Matches”.
Lyrics: “God don’t need no matches, he’s fire all by himself. God don’t need no matches, he’s fire all by himself. God don’t need no matches, he’s fire all by himself. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!! BY HIMSELF!!!
Look it up. I promise it’s a real song.
And just in case I screwed up the html (again)
Wow, you really didn’t make that up!
I LOVE the fact that she named her fish Father Abraham, btw.
Wayment… I really need to check out that song your listed, though. Lawd.
Darn you! That song is stuck in my head now! *throws a dart at Memphis on the map*
I absolutely hate “Never Would’ve Made It.” Sorry, it’s a great message and is totally true, but when gospel songs work their way into heavy rotation on the secular stations, are played every third song on the gospel station, are the go-to song during morning worship, and being sampled in local car dealership ads (not even exaggerating) it can be a little too much. I put together a memorial photo dvd for my great-great aunt’s funeral and the family requested “Never Would’ve Made It.” I grudgingly used the song even though I was thinking but she didn’t make it the whole time.
Threefold Amen to “Jesus Will Work it Out!” OMG I hate this song and the remix with a passion! Baby needs a pair of shoes and is taking care of the singer by the end of the original but by the time the remix rolls around the house is in foreclosure? Sounds like Baby wasn’t doing so hot after all.
I never noticed the scriptural references were O.T. I’m gonna have to
suffer throughlisten to it again just so I can laugh at that nonsense!“thinking but she didn’t make it the whole time.”
WELP!!!
Yep I’m going to hell in a handbasket with gasoline draws (yes draws) on!
Co-signs the WELP!
OMG, I love “Never Would’ve Made It” (I sing this so dramatically, which is the only way), but I totally feel ya that it could wear out its welcome. Radio has the tendency to ruin songs with oversaturation. One pro about not having a car I guess… lol It’s the only time I listen to radio stations, when I’m in a car.
I don’t know you but I promise I love you! I needed that laugh this afternoon
I don’t know you either but I love you and the way you signed off (so mad at Shirley Ceasar’s collars and hemlines!), too!
Your post made my Wednesday, and to show my appreciation I’d like to send you an eSnack, peanut butter and jelly.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsjjPBbjRh8&w=425&h=349%5D
I still think there should be a Negro Spiritual Karaoke, which happens to be an oft searched term for my blog…
I, for one, would be glad if they retired “Amazing Grace for a little while, juut a lil while, I need a break. Awesome post!
Alise don’t go teasing me with a Negro Spiritual Karaoke… OMG that sounds sooooo good to me… ♪♫♩♬ Oh when the saints, go marching in ♪♫♩♬
Since the 90s I think of Gena from A Different World doing her baton routine when I hear that song.
“Right on iiiiiiiiiiin! Not out but iiiiiiiiiiiin!” *cabbage patches into the Wop*
@AtypicalLibrarian,
“Right on iiiiiiiiiiin! Not out but iiiiiiiiiiiin!” *cabbage patches into the Wop*
YESSSSS. As far as I’m concerned, this is the only way to sing that song. Gena 4 life!
Amazing Grace, while a sweet song, definitely needs to have a seat. A pew, if you will.
And Viva la Negro Spirtual Karaoke!!!
Ooh, ooh! I’d like to sing “Goin’ Over Yonder” and “I’m Glad to Be in The Service”. Thanks for the comment
i love all the songs mentioned in the post and in the comments… i guess i’m just corny like that… growing up
and still to this day if the mood strikes usi would play song service, baptism, baby christening, alter call and if we were feeling real spiritual- funeral, with my nieces and nephews. don’t judge me..i would always lead “funeral” with a goose-bump inducing, vibrato filled & emotional rendition of “We are nearing home” which goes:
CHORUS:
♪♫♩♬ We are nearing home! We are nearing home!
See the splendor gleaming from the domes afar!
See the glory streaming thro’ the gates ajar!
There we soon will enter, never more to roam,
Hear the angels singing! We are nearing home!
We are nearing home! ♪♫♩♬
Aw, you are too cute with your gospel corniness! I ain’t mad.
You are adorable! *hugs* I need to hear your version of “We Are Nearing Home”!
Yolie?
That could also be the jingle to the HomeTown Buffet chain! “We’re nearin’ Home (Town Buffet)” (Add the “Go Fattie” part if ya likes).
I think you might have a nickel in the game with that one …
L “White Squirrel Meat” B
I couldn’t agree with you more on Kumbaya and Old Time Religion. My church in Atlanta used to always warm up with the elders singing hymns. And somehow or another Old Time Religion was always bookmarked as a favorite by one of our deacons. Ugh. The thing I hate most is pretending that a song like that gets me excited about the Lord. I’m going to hell for typing that, aren’t i?
“I’m going to hell for typing that, aren’t i?”
iHell, to be #pacific.
If you’re going to hell then I’m going with you. Just because a song is gospel?Christian doesn’t mean I have to love it. Trash is trash!
Serious stuff! I can get into this one. Coming from my total Y-T privilege background, where religion is to be, of all things, Quiet, I can get all up into this!
My favorite Gospel song is an oldie, but a goodie …
AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell”
Oh, those flamin’* Get-tar licks …
Them screamin’ lyrics …
“No stop signs, speedin’ limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me ’round
Hey Satan! Paid my dues
Playin’ in a rockin’ band
Hey Mama! Look at me
I’m on my way to the Promise Land**”
Oh, yeah! This makes me up an’ feel like I’m listenin’ to “I Have A Dream” for the very first time at Strom Thurmond’s gravesite Memorial! Ready for a bar fight, a drive-by and trippin’ blind people in a minute!
L “Did I get it Right this time?” B
* That’s called a Pun.
** This will have to be the 1967 borders of the Promised Land, ok? Don’t wants to be upsettin’ nobodies now.
My condolences for your quiet church. We gets it in. lol
I’ve NEVER listened to those lyrics before today! #EachOneTeachOne
I miss you, MsEsquire! [cries copious tears] Since you have encouraged me, just remember…you asked for it! Having played the piano since I was 5, and having had my first church gig at 15 (you name it, I’ve played there–Methodist, AME Methodist, Baptist, Congregational, Lutheran, Presbyterian, even Christian Science – which was interesting. Ironically, I’m Catholic.), you can trust and believe that there are a great number of hymns that I would never love to never hear again for the rest of my days. REST OF MY DAYS, I say. Most notably, Blessed Assurance, Pass Me Not and What a Friend We Have in Jesus (sorry about the last one, BUT you will soon understand). There’s another one that I have apparently blacked out from my memory, thankfully. The story: When I had my first church gig at 15/16 we had a minister that prayed SO LONG during the altar call, that I timed it once at 40 minutes. Can you imagine playing the same hymn over and over for 40minutes? I am sure you cannot. But I can. (I think there were child labor laws against this kind of thing.) I would get to church, I open the program and see “Pass Me Not” as the altar call hymn. Then I would wonder how much I would destroy my career as a musician if I suddenly slammed the keyboard cover down on my fingers so I didn’t have to play that day. Fortunately, I never did and luckily, the church I play for now lets ME pick the altar call hymn. Guess which songs I never play?! Sadly, Starita 34, sometimes it is I Surrender All. (Although I played Balm in Gilead last Sunday, and noone seemed to know it, weirdly.)
O_O @ the 40-min renditin of the same hymn. Yeah, I’d go nuts. No squirrel.
It’s a good song, just soooo played out at First Baptist Insert Small Town, MO.
And f to y to izzle, I’ve never heard of “Balm in Gilead” either…
LMAO @ “No squirrel” Cheekie. This must be the BEST. WEEK. EVER for squirrels, lol.
Bwahahaha!!! I’m going to call you oned day and sing the chorus of “Pass Me Not”. Will you still love me and be my friend?
LOL That’s a tough one! Just kidding. Although, I would laugh heartily after dropping the phone and running down the hall while screaming.
Oh! BTW, I wanted to, once again, thank the lovely MsEsquire for gracing my eCrib with her hilarious presence. AND you know how extra dope she is? She actually signed off the way I sign off!! I loved that little touch. You da best, Mama Esquire. *hugs*
Oh, I ’bout’s forgot my all-time-old religion favorite.
I present:
The Breakfast Song!!!
“No more Chickeeeeeen, no mo’ Pork chop …”
L “Squintin’ like a Squirrel” B
Ah, yes, the Breakfast song is CLASSIC. No mo’ Cream of Wheat…
“No mo’ Cream of Wheat…”
HEY!
I resemble that remark …
This post was awesome and the comments too. Y’all are killing me with these songs.
My loathed gospel song is “Victory is Mine”. I don’t hate the song but moreso the memory of it. Whenever my father got stationed somewhere for longer than a year or two, my mother always became the youth group director and ended up putting together different events for us. For this particular day, she’d put together this youth Bible Study that she had invited other area churches youths to attend. I was dead tired from staying out late and I had to babysit in the morning. I just knew moms would let me catch up on sleep when I got home especially since I had to work at the hospital gift shop the next day but to my surprise, she wasn’t haven’t it. She said, “It’s not right that you can party all night to Satan’s music but when it’s time for The Lord, you’re suddenly too tired! Oh no, you’re going!” *major eye-roll & unlocked teenage attitude* Fine! So, towards the end of the Bible Study, she was closing up with “Victory is Mine” and I swear she sang this joint for like 10 mins (which was pissing me off) and just when I thought she was finished, she went on for another 5 mins. I literally slid out of my sit and was laid out on the floor. My friends were dying laughing but I was so irritated with my mother and that song I couldn’t even conjure up a smile and to this very day, I automatically feel annoyed if I hear that song.
LMAO @ the chair slide. Best way to show your frustration EVAH.
@Hawaii – I couldn’t stop laughing over that. I know your pain!! My mom lead the church choir for a time when I was a kid. At least once a month she would pick this one particular song to sing, and I would complain after choir rehearsal every time (at home, naturally–I was a obedient little accompanist at rehearsal). I really think she made us sing it just to irk me. I don’t remember the name of the song, but when it’s played or sung, I also immediately get annoyed!
Oh yeah… a tambourine and some fighting fish?! Dag Ms. Esquire, you have cool as heck friend in that there Lori.
*note to self*: find you a Lori.
Cheekie, I’m in stitches from this contest between you & Panama. I’m confused as to how it’s actually happening but the tweets and thought of it have me crying.
LOL, it’s an eStaring contest.
Lori is pretty awesome! She’s the best
i am ending this day to say… each and every hymn mentioned today-minus highway to hell and jesus don’t need no matches which i never heard before- are all my jams… whenever there is a family reunion at my mother’s house we always break out some hymns sung heart wrenchingly and with extra vibrato… those songs are PURE GOLD
/rant
LMAO, SHONNERZ!!!!!!!!!!!! this whole post is full of WIN!!!
but this…
(This one is for my Bible scholars. *pops collar for Jesus*) The song is called Jesus will work it out but all of the Biblical references are to Old Testament stories…BEFORE JESUS WAS BORN!!! I love scripture references in songs (Fred Hammond is the man!) but could you PLEASE go to Bible study before you go to the studio. Most churches have it on Tuesday or Wednesday night, check your bulletin from Sunday and follow-up.
KILT me dead!!!!!!!! i be thinkin the SAME THING!! like, if im not mistaken, Jesus wasn’t quite a twinkle in the Lord’s eye in these examples you talmbout.
great list and great observations. i love your sense of humor, Shon. you rock!!!
“like, if im not mistaken, Jesus wasn’t quite a twinkle in the Lord’s eye in these examples you talmbout.” <—This almost got me fired! I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Thanks, Gemmie
*hugs*
I’m proud to say that I have only heard that first song in movies.
I believe “kumbaya” is derived from Patois.
I have never heard that third song. I heard a pastor preach on it in the pulpit, and I thought it was a joke. I cannot stand the third song either -it is a slap in the face of Jesus, who is supposed to be our Provider.
“it is a slap in the face of Jesus, who is supposed to be our Provider.” I’ve always been so irritated by the coonery of the song that I never thought of it that way. You are absolutely right! God is Jehovah Jireh and we should respect Him as such.
lmaooooo
how did i miss this???
great post ms e!
*manages the campaign office for her blog while cheekie hits the road for votes
Pingback: A Pinched Guest: Gospel That Grinds My Gears (via Pinch My Cheekie) « Poet's Corner