Friday Foolery: Signed, Sealed, Delivered

They should've never given you ninjas a suggestion box. And by "you ninjas", I mean, "me."

BREAKING NEWS!

I’m random.

*as the entire internets implodes from this revelation*

If you’ve ever had a convo with me via any medium, you may have heard (at least 50-lem times) me say that I want something hilarious/witty/smartassy/stoopid on a t-shirt. And I say it with such promise, conviction and hope.

‘Cept it never comes to fruition. I never get these epic t-shirts made. I say (or typed) all that to say (or type) this. I’ve probably said I’m going to do a lot of foolish things, but I never really end up doing them. Until now.

Yes, that’s right, in the spirit of foolish blogging, I decided to take one for the team* and actually follow through on one of my kooky ideas.

So, one evening, I was GChatting with The Arsonist (Girl, he a 3!) while I happened to be watching the Bulls spank the Pacers on TNT. And, of course, during a commercial break, they said their slogan, “We know drama.” I came up with a silly idea involving this slogan and naturally, that foolery enthusiast of a guy enabled me in actually sharing this idea with TNT.

Thus, the following letter was born:

Salutations,

I’m Cheekie. You may know me as the viewer of such televisions shows as “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” or various airings of National Basketball Association games (speaking of which… #GoBulls). On occasion, I’ll also partake in the critically acclaimed and Oscar-winning film, “Forrest Gump”, of which I cannot NOT watch when I’m surfing channels and end up landing on this particular gem. No matter what part the movie happens to be on at that particular time. But, this isn’t about Tom Hanks being a far superior actor than many, it’s about you, Turner Network Television.

I’ve always admired your channel. And not only because of your pristine programming, but because of the identity you’ve conveyed to your audience. Your enriching promos, your infamous logo, and the way Law & Order SVU’s Elliot Stabler’s forehead glistens in HD format is all part of your beloved brand. But, no other aspect of your network is more notable than the slogan: “We know drama.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that slogan quoted during some random conversation… well, let’s just say I’d be monetarily creating flash flood warnings whilst a scantily-clad gentlemen swayed in front of me.

As a devoted TNT fan, I’ve come up with a suggestion. Since you are well-known for establishing your brand, I believe you are ready for the next level. A specialized slogan for special days. Holidays, to be specific. And what better day to start with than Mother’s Day? Everyone loves mothers. Hence the very existence of the whimsical term, “motherlover.” Thus, I’ve been gifted with the sudden idea of a temporary slogan revamp:

TNT: We know drama… for your mama.

I appreciate you taking my suggestion into consideration and I am eager to hear back from you soon.

Warm regards (preferably the temperature of fresh buns),

Cheekie

SMH @ myself.

So, another day, I’m discussing possible lunch choices with this SAME person (I’m trying to quit him, don’t worry) and I finally decide on one: Subway. And then a lightbulb proverbially floats above my head. It’s 100 watts of foolishness, by the way. ‘Course I had to share this new idea with Subway, as I did with TNT:

Greetings,

I have been a longtime fan of your establishment for quite some time. I highly favor your footlong turkey sandwich (and its slightly naughty name) despite the inconsistent pricing (i.e. it used to be included in the “five dollar footlong” family, but has sense been upgraded to a six dollar footlong, even though it’s a basic and common sandwich). In fact, I frequent Subway so much, I have a signature sandwich. It consists of turkey, fresh spinach, cucumbers, tomato, hot Giardiniera peppers, light mayo, oil, and Italian seasoning… all beautifully displayed on wheat bread. I’ve included this tailored sandwich on the off chance that you send me a lifetime supply of footlong sandwiches, which you may end up considering after I share this bit of information with you.

Because I value your company, I try my best to show support by any means necessary. One morning, I came across an idea that I felt was perfect for your consideration. There are corporations such as McDonalds that shamelessly cater to specific demographics. To use one example: people who check “African-American/Black” on various optional surveys. Well, because I often check that same box, I figured it would be divine to have one of my favorite healthy-choice lunch spots to participate in this particular marketing device.

As you may know, February (the least dramatic month of the year in regards to number of days), is Black History Month. This is when many advertisers go nuts selling to those of us who are melanin prone. Thus, I suggest you feature a special sandwich that month. And of course, feature it in your five dollar footlong menu for the entire duration of the month. (Here’s to hoping you do this during a leap year!) Naturally, I want my favorite, the turkey sandwich to be this special sandwich. The name of the special sandwich?

The Jive Turkey Footlong.

I truly hope you take the time to ruminate on this idea, which is sure to garner attention, resulting in a successful sandwich selling showcase. I look forward to your response as well as working with you in the future.

The best regards in the history of regarding,

Cheekie

I wonder about me sometimes.

So, yeah, I actually sent these out to the aforementioned companies and I’m eagerly awaiting a response from them, which shall come at around… 2034. I’ll definitely report back with results. This is for YOU, Pinchers!

Have a fabulous Friday and an equally fabulous weekend!

Love ya like royals love weddings,

Cheekie

*How big that team actually is, I don’t eeem know.

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