“… take your time, young man.”
Ok, I’m lying. My mama ain’t eeeeem say that. Oh, you knew? What could’ve possibly tipped you off?
Our mamas used to say a lot of things, actually. Big Mamas, too. Which, by the way, while the default Big Mama for ninjas is “Grandma”, we all know a Big Mama could be a geriatric mama (JUST a mama, no grandkids), an auntie (pronounced, “AINT-TEE”), or a meddling arse neighbor lady. To name a few.
These ladies said so many things that the sayings became infamous in a way. I’ve learned that when communicating with folks outside of my family, certain sayings were more common than not. The world is small, allegedly.
Reminiscing about these old phrases got me thinking. Ya know, actually pondering on the ish our folks told us. The stuff that we were just supposed to accept because, hey, we were kids. The very meaning of childhood is accepting things the way they are because it ain’t an iota of a thing you can do about it.
But, what if we could? There were a lot of things my mama/grandma/miscellaneous bossy person told me that I wanted to question, but I valued things such as NOT getting the shat slapped outta me.
So, at the risk of receiving the Mama Cheeks’ “death stare”*, I present:
Mama Sayings That Made Me Want To “Talk Back”
– “You should’ve peed before we left!” Lawdhamercy saints, this one has irked me for eons. And parents say this with such conviction, too! Picture this. We’re well on our way to the forest preserves Wisconsin Dells when all of a sudden, I have to pee. Mama looks up at the rear view mirror all, “WHY you ain’t go before we left?!” And I just want — nay, NEED — to say, “Because I didn’t have to go then!” But, that’s risky. Sounds like something a smartmouthed (and later… popped-in-the-mouth) kid would say. And yet, it’s true! It ain’t like kids are inherent masochists and hold our pee until we’re nowhere near a dayum water closet. We didn’t have to pee then, but we have to pee now. It happens. If we could control when exactly we had to pee for our convenience, we’d be way more advanced as a human race by now. This is fact.
– “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Ooooh, this is a touchy one. For one, the reason we are crying is because you gave us something to cry about. Whether that be yelling, threatening, or actually spanking. Ya’ll just don’t KNOW how many times my smartass wanted to say this. Just be scrunching up my face and when Big Mama hits me with this doozy, be like, “I am currently in a tearful state. Thus, you have accomplished the task of providing me with reasons to sob.” Retorting with that at, like, 5 years old? Woulda been DOPE. Hell, I coulda been President by now if I woulda made that one choice. Either that, or in the Witness Protection Program.
– “Stop making that face or it’ll get stuck that way.” Ok, admission time. I used to believe the hell outta this. Sure, I shrugged it off and giggled when this was first told to me, but then I saw the article. I’ll never forget it. It was a National Enquirer article, which yes, I know their reputation NOW but the point is… I didn’t then. It was about a boy who made this silly face (I’ll never forget this face, but to describe it, it was kinda like a super obnoxiously big smile, with teeth) and kept doing it for elongated periods of time until it — you guessed it — stuck that way. Long ramble short, the little mofo had to eat his food through a straw for the rest of his life. Ish scared the entire frick-and-frack outta me. But, when I realized the paper’s reputation for lying**, all I wanted to do is make a face in response to folks saying that. Be all, “Oh, like this? How bout this?” Hee. I’m such a donkey.
– “Because I said so!” This is a truly infamous one. Definitely the one statement that renders a child completely powerless. But, ain’t it the dumbest reason ever? Come on, son. Acknowledging you said something doesn’t explain why you said it, it just reiterates that you said it. SOOOOO wanted to say, “That’s not an adequate reason, doe”, but again… I liked my face arranged the way it was already.
Ya know, with each keystroke I’m finding myself getting into more and more trouble and I’m actually becoming anxious about it. So, Pinchers, it’s your turn to take the fall share! Ya feel me on the sayings above? What are some more that you secretly wanted to rebuke? Remember, comment quickly and run. You’ve been warned.
Love ya like Steve Urkel loves Laura,