A Pinched Guest: Hope For Hoverhand

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Ok, so lemme explain. That Damn African hacked into my WordPress account and decided to hijack my eCrib with his foolishness. Either that or I asked him to honor my joint with a guest post! He’s a fool so ya’ll will enjoy this one, Pinchers! Welcome him with ridicule love and pinches!

*Camera opens with Bono singing “One” in the background as a dark silhouette stands in the foreground. Two eyes appear and you realize it’s not a silhouette*

Hi, I’m Troy McClure That Damn African. You may remember me from such blog posts as My First Time At Red Lobster and Running The Two-Minute Drill. I’m here to talk to you about an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for far too long. I’m talking about hoverhand. Hundreds of men are diagnosed with hoverhand every year and not enough attention is brought to this debilitating condition.

Urbandictionary.com defines it as a condition that “…usually takes place in photos at conventions when a nervous nerdy guy is posing with an attractive female actress or model. They usually wrap their arm around the chicks back and have their hand hover over the females shoulder or waist, afraid to touch them.” Don’t be fooled, however. There are many cases of hoverhand happening outside of conventions all over the country. Many people have friends and family members who have hoverhand and don’t even know about it.

What causes hoverhand? Some hypothesize that there is a Darwinian principle at work that causes men of lower social and evolutionary quality to be intimidated by women of higher social and evolutionary quality. Others believe it is electromagnetic in nature. Geeky fellows might have a similar Metachlorian ion concentration with that of attractive women, in which case their matching polarity would act in a repellent manner like two magnets. However, most think it’s just a guy being lame. Academics still debate about what causes it and with your donations, we can better understand this disease and help prevent it before it starts.

*picture of adolescent TDA appears in the background*

This act of limb levitation was something I battled with while I was in my youth. As a member of the Socially Awkward Brigade (SAB), I used to clam up when an attractive girl would get too close. I didn’t know the rules of touching women. How to touch them. Where to touch them. When to touch them. How much to tip after they let you touch them. It was confusing. After years of oppression and ridicule from women, I came to expect chastising before it even happened. So when presented with an opportunity to stand next to a woman in a picture, I would avoid touching her. When I was expected to put my arm around her, I would keep my hand at a safe distance away from areas that she may deem inappropriate for me to touch (i.e. her entire body). This is what plagues the minds of men with hoverhand. This is why we need your help.

There are many different types of hoverhand. There’s the “over the shoulder” hoverhand as illustrated in the picture above. There’s the “upper back” hoverhand. There’s the “lower back“ or “waist” hoverhand. However, the most troubling is a recent discovery of an evolved version of the hoverhand: the hoverarm (viewer discretion is advised). But don’t worry. If you or anyone you know have symptoms similar to what you’ve just seen, there’s hope.

Scientists have figured out that “self-confidence” can get rid of this condition once and for all. Self-confidence allows a man to not worry about inappropriately touching a woman because she probably wants him to touch her inappropriately anyway. With self-confidence, these men won’t be afraid to embrace a woman for fear of ridicule or an untimely erection. Although a method to directly infuse men with self-confidence doesn’t currently exist, scientists are working to develop technology that can. They hope this technology will be available by Stardate 2387.

This is where you come in. With a generous donation, you can help us get closer to this goal. Thousands of men with hoverhand are awkwardly taking pictures and posting them on the internet at this very moment. We laugh at them because we take for granted our own self-confidence with women, but we can’t sit idly while our fellow man suffers. Take a stand and help the fight against hoverhand today. God bless you and God bless America.

-TDA