Friday Foolery: Signed, Sealed, Delivered

They should've never given you ninjas a suggestion box. And by "you ninjas", I mean, "me."

BREAKING NEWS!

I’m random.

*as the entire internets implodes from this revelation*

If you’ve ever had a convo with me via any medium, you may have heard (at least 50-lem times) me say that I want something hilarious/witty/smartassy/stoopid on a t-shirt. And I say it with such promise, conviction and hope.

‘Cept it never comes to fruition. I never get these epic t-shirts made. I say (or typed) all that to say (or type) this. I’ve probably said I’m going to do a lot of foolish things, but I never really end up doing them. Until now.

Yes, that’s right, in the spirit of foolish blogging, I decided to take one for the team* and actually follow through on one of my kooky ideas.

So, one evening, I was GChatting with The Arsonist (Girl, he a 3!) while I happened to be watching the Bulls spank the Pacers on TNT. And, of course, during a commercial break, they said their slogan, “We know drama.” I came up with a silly idea involving this slogan and naturally, that foolery enthusiast of a guy enabled me in actually sharing this idea with TNT.

Thus, the following letter was born:

Salutations,

I’m Cheekie. You may know me as the viewer of such televisions shows as “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” or various airings of National Basketball Association games (speaking of which… #GoBulls). On occasion, I’ll also partake in the critically acclaimed and Oscar-winning film, “Forrest Gump”, of which I cannot NOT watch when I’m surfing channels and end up landing on this particular gem. No matter what part the movie happens to be on at that particular time. But, this isn’t about Tom Hanks being a far superior actor than many, it’s about you, Turner Network Television.

I’ve always admired your channel. And not only because of your pristine programming, but because of the identity you’ve conveyed to your audience. Your enriching promos, your infamous logo, and the way Law & Order SVU’s Elliot Stabler’s forehead glistens in HD format is all part of your beloved brand. But, no other aspect of your network is more notable than the slogan: “We know drama.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that slogan quoted during some random conversation… well, let’s just say I’d be monetarily creating flash flood warnings whilst a scantily-clad gentlemen swayed in front of me.

As a devoted TNT fan, I’ve come up with a suggestion. Since you are well-known for establishing your brand, I believe you are ready for the next level. A specialized slogan for special days. Holidays, to be specific. And what better day to start with than Mother’s Day? Everyone loves mothers. Hence the very existence of the whimsical term, “motherlover.” Thus, I’ve been gifted with the sudden idea of a temporary slogan revamp:

TNT: We know drama… for your mama.

I appreciate you taking my suggestion into consideration and I am eager to hear back from you soon.

Warm regards (preferably the temperature of fresh buns),

Cheekie

SMH @ myself.

So, another day, I’m discussing possible lunch choices with this SAME person (I’m trying to quit him, don’t worry) and I finally decide on one: Subway. And then a lightbulb proverbially floats above my head. It’s 100 watts of foolishness, by the way. ‘Course I had to share this new idea with Subway, as I did with TNT:

Greetings,

I have been a longtime fan of your establishment for quite some time. I highly favor your footlong turkey sandwich (and its slightly naughty name) despite the inconsistent pricing (i.e. it used to be included in the “five dollar footlong” family, but has sense been upgraded to a six dollar footlong, even though it’s a basic and common sandwich). In fact, I frequent Subway so much, I have a signature sandwich. It consists of turkey, fresh spinach, cucumbers, tomato, hot Giardiniera peppers, light mayo, oil, and Italian seasoning… all beautifully displayed on wheat bread. I’ve included this tailored sandwich on the off chance that you send me a lifetime supply of footlong sandwiches, which you may end up considering after I share this bit of information with you.

Because I value your company, I try my best to show support by any means necessary. One morning, I came across an idea that I felt was perfect for your consideration. There are corporations such as McDonalds that shamelessly cater to specific demographics. To use one example: people who check “African-American/Black” on various optional surveys. Well, because I often check that same box, I figured it would be divine to have one of my favorite healthy-choice lunch spots to participate in this particular marketing device.

As you may know, February (the least dramatic month of the year in regards to number of days), is Black History Month. This is when many advertisers go nuts selling to those of us who are melanin prone. Thus, I suggest you feature a special sandwich that month. And of course, feature it in your five dollar footlong menu for the entire duration of the month. (Here’s to hoping you do this during a leap year!) Naturally, I want my favorite, the turkey sandwich to be this special sandwich. The name of the special sandwich?

The Jive Turkey Footlong.

I truly hope you take the time to ruminate on this idea, which is sure to garner attention, resulting in a successful sandwich selling showcase. I look forward to your response as well as working with you in the future.

The best regards in the history of regarding,

Cheekie

I wonder about me sometimes.

So, yeah, I actually sent these out to the aforementioned companies and I’m eagerly awaiting a response from them, which shall come at around… 2034. I’ll definitely report back with results. This is for YOU, Pinchers!

Have a fabulous Friday and an equally fabulous weekend!

Love ya like royals love weddings,

Cheekie

*How big that team actually is, I don’t eeem know.

Mama Used To Say

I'm sure this little girl will get her revenge by climbing out of a TV, doe.

“… take your time, young man.”

Ok, I’m lying. My mama ain’t eeeeem say that. Oh, you knew? What could’ve possibly tipped you off?

o_O

Our mamas used to say a lot of things, actually. Big Mamas, too. Which, by the way, while the default Big Mama for ninjas is “Grandma”, we all know a Big Mama could be a geriatric mama (JUST a mama, no grandkids), an auntie (pronounced, “AINT-TEE”), or a meddling arse neighbor lady. To name a few.

These ladies said so many things that the sayings became infamous in a way. I’ve learned that when communicating with folks outside of my family, certain sayings were more common than not. The world is small, allegedly.

Reminiscing about these old phrases got me thinking. Ya know, actually pondering on the ish our folks told us. The stuff that we were just supposed to accept because, hey, we were kids. The very meaning of childhood is accepting things the way they are because it ain’t an iota of a thing you can do about it.

But, what if we could? There were a lot of things my mama/grandma/miscellaneous bossy person told me that I wanted to question, but I valued things such as NOT getting the shat slapped outta me.

So, at the risk of receiving the Mama Cheeks’ “death stare”*, I present:

Mama Sayings That Made Me Want To “Talk Back”

– “You should’ve peed before we left!” Lawdhamercy saints, this one has irked me for eons. And parents say this with such conviction, too! Picture this. We’re well on our way to the forest preserves Wisconsin Dells when all of a sudden, I have to pee. Mama looks up at the rear view mirror all, “WHY you ain’t go before we left?!” And I just want — nay, NEED — to say, “Because I didn’t have to go then!” But, that’s risky. Sounds like something a smartmouthed (and later… popped-in-the-mouth) kid would say. And yet, it’s true! It ain’t like kids are inherent masochists and hold our pee until we’re nowhere near a dayum water closet.  We didn’t have to pee then, but we have to pee now. It happens. If we could control when exactly we had to pee for our convenience, we’d be way more advanced as a human race by now. This is fact.

– “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Ooooh, this is a touchy one. For one, the reason we are crying is because you gave us something to cry about. Whether that be yelling, threatening, or actually spanking. Ya’ll just don’t KNOW how many times my smartass wanted to say this. Just be scrunching up my face and when Big Mama hits me with this doozy, be like, “I am currently in a tearful state. Thus, you have accomplished the task of providing me with reasons to sob.” Retorting with that at, like, 5 years old? Woulda been DOPE. Hell, I coulda been President by now if I woulda made that one choice. Either that, or in the Witness Protection Program.

– “Stop making that face or it’ll get stuck that way.” Ok, admission time. I used to believe the hell outta this. Sure, I shrugged it off and giggled when this was first told to me, but then I saw the article. I’ll never forget it. It was a National Enquirer article, which yes, I know their reputation NOW but the point is… I didn’t then. It was about a boy who made this silly face (I’ll never forget this face, but to describe it, it was kinda like a super obnoxiously big smile, with teeth) and kept doing it for elongated periods of time until it — you guessed it — stuck that way. Long ramble short, the little mofo had to eat his food through a straw for the rest of his life. Ish scared the entire frick-and-frack outta me. But, when I realized the paper’s reputation for lying**, all I wanted to do is make a face in response to folks saying that. Be all, “Oh, like this? How bout this?” Hee. I’m such a donkey.

– “Because I said so!” This is a truly infamous one. Definitely the one statement that renders a child completely powerless. But, ain’t it the dumbest reason ever? Come on, son. Acknowledging you said something doesn’t explain why you said it, it just reiterates that you said it. SOOOOO wanted to say, “That’s not an adequate reason, doe”, but again… I liked my face arranged the way it was already.

Ya know, with each keystroke I’m finding myself getting into more and more trouble and I’m actually becoming anxious about it. So, Pinchers, it’s your turn to take the fall share! Ya feel me on the sayings above? What are some more that you secretly wanted to rebuke? Remember, comment quickly and run. You’ve been warned.

Love ya like Steve Urkel loves Laura,

Cheekie

*I swear if she finds out about this post, I’mma KNOW one of ya’ll ninjas snitched because I shole ain’t direct her to it. Mama most definitely did not raise no fool.
**Lowkey, I still subconsciously only give myself a maximum of 5 seconds when I make a funny face because of that dayum story.

A Pinched Guest: Hope For Hoverhand

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: Ok, so lemme explain. That Damn African hacked into my WordPress account and decided to hijack my eCrib with his foolishness. Either that or I asked him to honor my joint with a guest post! He’s a fool so ya’ll will enjoy this one, Pinchers! Welcome him with ridicule love and pinches!

*Camera opens with Bono singing “One” in the background as a dark silhouette stands in the foreground. Two eyes appear and you realize it’s not a silhouette*

Hi, I’m Troy McClure That Damn African. You may remember me from such blog posts as My First Time At Red Lobster and Running The Two-Minute Drill. I’m here to talk to you about an epidemic that’s been sweeping the country for far too long. I’m talking about hoverhand. Hundreds of men are diagnosed with hoverhand every year and not enough attention is brought to this debilitating condition.

Urbandictionary.com defines it as a condition that “…usually takes place in photos at conventions when a nervous nerdy guy is posing with an attractive female actress or model. They usually wrap their arm around the chicks back and have their hand hover over the females shoulder or waist, afraid to touch them.” Don’t be fooled, however. There are many cases of hoverhand happening outside of conventions all over the country. Many people have friends and family members who have hoverhand and don’t even know about it.

What causes hoverhand? Some hypothesize that there is a Darwinian principle at work that causes men of lower social and evolutionary quality to be intimidated by women of higher social and evolutionary quality. Others believe it is electromagnetic in nature. Geeky fellows might have a similar Metachlorian ion concentration with that of attractive women, in which case their matching polarity would act in a repellent manner like two magnets. However, most think it’s just a guy being lame. Academics still debate about what causes it and with your donations, we can better understand this disease and help prevent it before it starts.

*picture of adolescent TDA appears in the background*

This act of limb levitation was something I battled with while I was in my youth. As a member of the Socially Awkward Brigade (SAB), I used to clam up when an attractive girl would get too close. I didn’t know the rules of touching women. How to touch them. Where to touch them. When to touch them. How much to tip after they let you touch them. It was confusing. After years of oppression and ridicule from women, I came to expect chastising before it even happened. So when presented with an opportunity to stand next to a woman in a picture, I would avoid touching her. When I was expected to put my arm around her, I would keep my hand at a safe distance away from areas that she may deem inappropriate for me to touch (i.e. her entire body). This is what plagues the minds of men with hoverhand. This is why we need your help.

There are many different types of hoverhand. There’s the “over the shoulder” hoverhand as illustrated in the picture above. There’s the “upper back” hoverhand. There’s the “lower back“ or “waist” hoverhand. However, the most troubling is a recent discovery of an evolved version of the hoverhand: the hoverarm (viewer discretion is advised). But don’t worry. If you or anyone you know have symptoms similar to what you’ve just seen, there’s hope.

Scientists have figured out that “self-confidence” can get rid of this condition once and for all. Self-confidence allows a man to not worry about inappropriately touching a woman because she probably wants him to touch her inappropriately anyway. With self-confidence, these men won’t be afraid to embrace a woman for fear of ridicule or an untimely erection. Although a method to directly infuse men with self-confidence doesn’t currently exist, scientists are working to develop technology that can. They hope this technology will be available by Stardate 2387.

This is where you come in. With a generous donation, you can help us get closer to this goal. Thousands of men with hoverhand are awkwardly taking pictures and posting them on the internet at this very moment. We laugh at them because we take for granted our own self-confidence with women, but we can’t sit idly while our fellow man suffers. Take a stand and help the fight against hoverhand today. God bless you and God bless America.

-TDA

Friday Foolery: Foolish Fatality

o_________O

Ya’ll jealous of that alliteration awesomeness in the title ain’t ya? *shines penny*

Anyhow.

You know how when something sad happens you have to laugh to keep from crying? Well, I’m thinkin’ there will be no problem accomplishing that today.

By the way, this is all Panama Jackson’s fault. He paid this particular foolery forward. Thank him as you see fit.

So, apparently, we live in a world where drive-thru funeral homes exist. You AND Fantasia read that right. A. Drive-thru. Funeral. Home.

The LA Times covered this phenomenon a few days ago with their piece, “Paying their respects outside funeral home.” Let’s discuss this, shall we? We shall. Overcome.

First off, the very existence of a drive-thru funeral parlor. If I wasn’t mistaken, going to a funeral was quite an intimate experience, so it being likened to an industry that has the motto, “Would you like fries with that?” is a bit confuddling to say the very least.

A few comments on the article…

– No shots (‘cept from my wink and the gun), but of course this is located in Compton. But, don’t worry, there is equal opportunity roasting available because…

– “There’s at least one in Chicago, another in Louisiana. “ Say who?! Yes, folks would assume there’d be one in the south, but there is one in the Chi?! Ok, hol’ up. I am not in the least bit surprised at this because it’s in Chicago (I mean, folks like this are from here), I’m surprised that I ain’t heard of it. I dwell here and n’an one goon informed me of this? What part of the game is that?!

– “Those who can’t stomach stepping inside a funeral home don’t have to. “ Yeah, but apparently, they (along with the entire public) can stomach the body being showcased outside for everyone to see. Oh.

– (Regarding one of the deceased women on display at the funeral home) “”It’s a wonderful thing having her be on display like this,” said Bradley, who was having her first drive-thru funeral parlor experience. “They have her in style.”" So, basically this is a way for folks to experience what it’s like to be King Tut an’nem? I mean, saying “on display” reminds me of a museum exhibit.

– Peep the video at the top of the article if you haven’t. Because what came outta left field for me is when the woman actually rolled up in her HOVEROUND* to view the body. Man, if I were the folks behind Hoveround, I’d use this clip for my commercial. They already got ninjas going to the Grand Canyon at .324 mph and ish. This would be a fabulous selling point, no?

So, obviously I’m not a big of a fan of this concept. Well, maybe that’s too harsh. I’m just sincerely confused as to why this is appealing. Sure, I get that it’s more convenient for certain folks, but everything can’t be convenient. Guess ya gotta weigh your pros and cons.

But, it got me thinking.

What if we incorporated the drive-thru experience to other things (some of which probably already exist because, hey, this here America)? Such as…

~ Corporate America. Drive up to a window, knock out them TPS reports WHILE bumpin’ your jam, then roll out on twenties with the top back. That is the life, right?!

~ Post Office. Actually, nah, nevermind. Folks at a drive-thru window will probably be even worse of a mean-mugger than they are when you just WALK up to the window.

~ Grocery Store. This would give ya the convenience that the self-checkout lane is trying its best to provide (but mofos en masse don’t know how to use these things). No shopping carts, no eff-ups resulting in a clean-up on aisle three, and no stealing food from the deli area. Wayment, we gotta discuss that last one…

~ Shopping Mall. Claustrophobics would LOVE this one during holidays, yo! Winona Ryder probably wouldn’t like this, doe. (I rhymed!)

~ Bar/Lounge. Yeah, now I’m just living in a dream world…

Pinchers, what say you? How do you feel about the idea of a drive-thru funeral home? Am I being too hard on the concept? Also, what other things need to be driven through?**

Happy Friday, ya’ll! It’s Good Friday, which means when this day is done, you’ll be saying, “Today was a good day.” And then you’ll help yourself to a cube of ice. Winning!

Have a fabulous weekend and Happy Easter!

Love ya like everyone with a soul loves Derrick Rose,

Cheekie

*Actually, I have no idea if that was an authentic (complete with certificate) Hoveround contraption, but I’m just doing that thing where you use the brand to cover all other generic items like it. Kinda like how we all say, “Kleenex” for nose tissue. That’s been accepted, so lemme do my thang. Can I live?! (whoa… bad and totally unintentional pun)
**STOP RIGHT THERE, HEATHENS.

Year One

Yes, I Googled myself. Yes, I (not so) secretly hope someone buys this for me.

Do you know what today is?

Naw, it has nuffin to do with three R&B Tony’s with various spellings and exclamations marks…

IT’S MY BLOG-AVERSARY!!! *flings rice-sponsored-by-Disney shaped confetti*

That’s right, exactly a year ago today, I wrote my first blog post. You know how 25th anniversary is “silver” and 50th anniversary is “gold?” Well, the first anniversary is “paper.”

-___-

Sike! You’d think that would be my reaction, but look at me now. Look at me now. I’m gettin’ paperrrrrr. Pinches all around!

You know when folks tell you that time flies (for example, when your parents tell you how quickly your high school years will go by) and you scoff on some “you need a plethora of people” ish? Well, they right. They always right.

I can’t believe I’ve made it here. I believe in magic, but I can’t believe this. I traveled down the road (from Blogger to WordPress) and back again (this is a lie, didn’t return to Blogger… I ain’t stoopid).

I’m so excited, I could do the Dougie counter-clockwise, transition to face-down-ass-up, then finish it off with a Leiomy-Drop. However, I value nice things such as functional knees so, instead I’ve decided to do a little something else.

So, in celebration of this momentous occasion I’m going to share…

EXCLUSIVE: Random Facts About Me And This Here Blog.

– MY NAME IS MY NAME. So, about the origin. Way back, back into time, I used to frequent AOL Chat. AOL 5.0 up in this piece! Anyway, my screenname on there was MissCheeks84. I came up with that because I was a huge fan of Mr. Cheeks’ “Lights Camera Action” at the time and I figured the name fit me. Let the REH-CORD show that it ain’t because I actually wanted him to be my mister. I want this to be cleared up, because, frankly, he looks like a gnome with indigestion. So, I ran amok all up and through AOL Chat and established an identity for myself. Then, history happened. ‘Cept I don’t know the date. SMH… Black folks. Anywho. Someone up and gave MissCheeks the pet name of “Cheekie”, everyone latched on and thus, it was born. *raises my name into the air and sings “Circle of Life“*

– Can’t really say when I made a conscious decision to start blogging. I mean, my sister and I had the collab blog way back when, but I figured since I was such an active member of the blog community as a commenter, I might as well put my thoughts at my own spot. Especially since, at times, some of my comments could’ve been a damn post. SMH…

– My very first commenter at the eCrib was Keisha Brown. *ignores the fact that n’an one of ya’ll hos even commented on my first post; it was straight up tumbleweed, crickets, and dust on that joint*

– I probably spend way too much time in WordPress’ Dashboard. When I first made the switcheroo, I found myself overly excited about its special features. And I’m still the most excited about one particular feature: “Search Engine Terms.” Basically, it lets you know what folks have searched to eventually lead to your blog/site. Dopeness. Of course, my randomness leads to crazy ones. My favorite search term to date is “illuminatis hanging around in dumpsters.” Jigger WHO?! It only resulted in like a couple of hits, but it’s still the best one. Can’t even describe how loud I guffawed when I first saw it. Oh! And and while we’re on the search term subject… Panama Jackson told me that “cheekie virgin” is VSB’s 120th most popular search term. O__________O

– My blog writing process is something else. First off, I must admit, I put more importance into the title and the post picture than anything else. Turrible. Well, lemme put that another way. I put more thought into the title/pic. It’s not that I don’t care about what happens within the text box, it’s that I do a free-flow with my writing.* But, you’ll see me staring at the computer screen for literally hours trying to come up with a title because I value a title with a bit spunk.

– I’d estimate that about 85% of my post topics come from social network interaction. Especially Gchat. And it usually spawns from random conversation. I’m not gonna name any particular names as to who in Gchat sometimes inspires my topics but, uh… *coughLBoogieAliseMaxMissPattersonSaneNickShonPanamaHumbleStaritaKeishaBrownThatDamnAfricancough* Hmm, looks like I need a cough drop…**

– As of today, my most viewed post of all Kanyeezy time is Friday Foolery: Hit ‘Em With The Dora. LEGGO!

– I’ve never done a guest post before. That seems wrong. Right? *turns to mirror and answers self* Right. The closest thing I’ve done to being featured on another blog is when Max interviewed me on her “Any 10 On Tuesday” series. There are definitely a nice amount of blogs where I’d love to plant my cheeks.

– Listening to people react to my blog is probably one of the most surreal feelings in the world. Max cracking the hell up at one of my posts (which happens to be the most viewed one! ha!) in Miami gave me so much life, I’m reincarnated. Being on the receiving end of folks that I only know via comments tell me in person, “Your Friday Fooleries are gonna get me fired one day!” is definitely one of the most humbling things evah.

Overall, there is no amount of fancy font sizing, bolding, italicizing or underlining that can express my gratitude to you, Pinchers.  Without getting too Carl Thomas emotional (I’m a babyfaced thug, ok?!), I really wanna thank ya’ll for reading and I look forward to sharing another pinchable year with ya’ll!

Pinchers, I’ve told you facts about me and PMC, now I wanna know some about you (of which eventually leads back to me… just like a damn Leo). The confetti’d floor is yours! How did you find my blog? What is your fave post? Got any questions for me?

Aight, let’s go get some barbecue and get busy.

Love ya like Nala loves pouncing on Simba,

Cheekie

P.S. You think I’m playin’?! If you wanna get that young lip gloss for me, it looks like these mofos make it and you can hit up my contact page and we’ll go from there. *wink and the gun*

P.S.S. Pinchers! Come over here for a minute. Closer. *gestures* K. Since we’re in the celebration mood, can you help me possibly celebrate something even bigger? Black Weblog Awards season is here and I had a crazy thought that maybe I should try out for one. It’s nomination time! I got my squinty and hopeful eye on “Best Personal Blog”, “Best Humor Blog”, and/or “Blog to Watch.” Any of those would be splendid! So go here and help turn my rinky-dink blog into an award-winning rinky-dink blog! Grazie, in advance! There are, of course, tons of other blogs that deserve your nomination so get on that, too! Vote or eDie.

*The only form of writing that I have an actual organizational structure to is my screenwriting. I tried the free-flow for that, and I never finished anything. When I outline and map out what will happen beat-by-beat, the dialogue and whatnot flows easily from there.
**Perhaps, a “Cheek-olaaaaaaaaaa!” (got that nickname in the eWorld along with “Cheek-a-leek” and “Cheek-a”[play on "chica"]  *beams*)

Sleep (Not So) Tight

YASSSSSSS!

I love sleep. Sleep and I are soulmates. Daydreaming is foreplay.

But, maybe I love sleep too much. Meaning, I enjoy it so much, whoever is in bed with me isn’t taken into much consideration. What am I getting att here? Shall I get my Cutco knife and cut to the chase? Wellllll…

I’m a wild sleeper.

That’s right. If you sleep with the cheeks, you will engage in war with the cheeks. I was recently reminded of this fact during my trip to Dee Cee. When we were there, our sleeping arrangements were this: some of us slept at L Boogie’s crib and some at MsEsquire’s crib. I slept at the former’s. And somehow*, I got V.I.P. status and got to sleep in L Boogie’s bed.

I have a strange feeling that shat won’t ever occur again. *giggle*

Allegedly — as told by L Boogie — on one of the nights, I started on my side of the bed and then ended up all the way over on her side. To the point where she ended up on the very edge of the bed. She even demonstrated her placement by putting her hand on the bed all, “You had me right here *places hand WAY on the edge*”. And the last night, I was (apparently) so bad, she had to actually get out of bed and move to the front room on some “make a pallet” ish. Talmbout some, “Girl I wanted to move you and/or nudge you awake, but you were snoring and sleeping so soundly, I just decided to leave.” Hmph. Methinks she was exaggerating.

See, the main reason why she felt I was a cool sleeping buddy was because in Miami, we shared a bed and I stayed on my side of the bed. In fact, both of us pretty much stayed on each edge of the bed. Like, the middle was hardly — if ever — touched those nights. Bet the middle felt like the other side of the pillow in the summer.

Yeah… um, notttttttt so much this time. Thing is, with me, when I’m more comfortable I tend to get more… well… comfortable. I had pretty much made myself at home right away at her crib and I displayed that comfy-ness via Rapid Eye Movement (REM). Except, I be on that Rapid Cheek Movement (RCM) swag.

In fact, lemme give ya’ll some backstory on my sleepytime chronicles…

I believe I told ya’ll that I used to hang around big sis Chyna’s friends when I was a wee Cheekie. *checks* Why yes, I did allude to that. Yeah, I was pretty much gangsta hanging with the older folks at about 3 years old. Anyway, one of her best friends (in fact, it was the one mentioned in the prior link), used to adore me** and enjoyed being around me.

So, one night, it was time for me to go to bed and Chyna sent me away to go to sleep. However, her girl insisted that I sleep with her that night. Convo went a little something like this:

Chyna’s Friend (CF): Aw, let [Cheekie] sleep with me! I luh her! She so cute!
Chyna: o_____O Girl, no. You have no idea what you’d be gettin’ into.
CF: What you talmbout? I luh my little [Cheekie]!
Chyna: Girl, that little heffa sleep WAY too wild. You have no idea.
CF: Aw, come on, she can’t be that bad. It should be fun! Plus she wants to sleep in the bed with me. Don’t you, [Cheekie]?
Cheekie: *nods with mouth full of candy* <<~~ (Trust me, while I’m dramatizing this whole thing… I BET this part is the most accurate.)
Chyna: Ok, girl, but don’t say I ain’t warned you.
CF: *brushes Chyna off with a wave of her hand*

~~~ THE NEXT MORNING ~~~

CF: Oh mah GAWD!! *runs into Chyna’s room*
Chyna: What?!
CF: I woke up this morning and [Cheekie's] damn FOOT was IN-SIDE my mouth!!
Chyna: *cracks the hell up*

-____________-

All this slander, yo. Well, not so much slander as… I mean, it’s true and everything but…

ANYWAY.

Pinchers, help me feel better and not alone. Do you have any sleeping struggles? Does your snore sound like a freight train? Do you recite monologues in your sleep? Ever did the Cuba Gooding Jr. Air-Punch whilst asleep and end up knocking out your sleeping buddy? Do share. Even if you’ve done the last one. Especially if you’ve done the last one.

Love ya like Bell Biv Devoe loves Poison,

Cheekie

*I paid her.
**Who wouldn’t? (Oh right, L Boogie and That Damn African. They don’t count, doe.)

Friday Foolery: Morning Woody

Sidenote: Do you remember when today used to be Tax Day? And when Pluto was a planet? And the time?

Ok.

First things first. If you’re thinking anything but pure and angelic thoughts after you read the title of this post, then you are in need of Jeebus. Tsk, tsk. Tisk effing tisk.

Because I’m a good person, I’m gonna be honest with you, Pinchers. I spent damn near all day trying to figure out what I was going to feature for today’s Friday Foolery. WHAT? A lack of foolery?! I know! Not much was inspiring me and/or I was too lazy (pronounced: Black) to actively search for something.

Then along came That Damn African. I like him like I like paper cuts across my upper lip, but even I can admit that he’s probably my top Friday Foolery inspiration. He STAYS sending me dumb ish and for that I’m grateful. He’ll never know that, doe. *evil laugh*

Lemme set the scene. I’m sitting at my desk working hard for my young moolah (baby) and occasionally checking Gchat* when he up hits me up with this outta the blue:

TDA: yeah, i’d love to see you explain this: [insert foolish link here]

“What did this foolish link expose”, you ask? You ask, I answer.

Behold:

PARDON ME?!

Didn’t we already discuss ya’ll ninjas making sweet childish things inappropriate?

My Pixar/Toy Story lovin’ self is quite hurt at this.

…

Oh wait, I was being honest wasn’t I?

Ya’ll, I cracked the hell up for a good while. Not until I was finished catching my breath was I able to seriously consider TDA’s wish. How could I explain this?

Well, let’s back up for a second and explain what is actually going on in this screenshot. No, for real. Gutter minds. Anyway, this is the scene right after Woody realizes that Andy’s birthday party (that was scheduled for later) has been moved to today. So, he gathers his trusty companion, Slinky to gather everyone around for an important toy meeting. But, he tells his pal in confidence that he has bad news. But, Slinky screams out, “Bad news?!” and all the other toys start tweaking and shit. And Woody covers Slinky’s mouth on some, “Simmer down, ninja!” ish. THAT is what is going on here.

But, what it look like, doe???

Like I need to wash my mouth out with soap and water is what it looks like. So, I’m going to put on my delusional hat** and imagine what Slinky and Woody could possibly be doing. My imagination is running away from me at Forrest Gump speed.

What Slinky and Woody May Be Doing In The Above Screenshot:

– Helping Woody zip his zipper. Ok, two things wrong with this. I’m pretty sure Woody’s pants didn’t require a zipper. YKK. And fellas, you’d probably say your male dog zippin’ up your zipper still looks iffy. But, hey! It’s still not as bad as — sigh. I tried. On to the next one…

– An overly-energetic flea was doing the Wop under the bed, slipped on the checker board and landed inside Slinky’s nostril. Woody is trying to get the young fella out.

– Slinky’s legs happened to fall a sleep RIGHT as he assumed this very position. Apparently, grabbing his mouth cures this so that’s where Woody comes*** in.

Yeah, that’s all I got. Hope you satisfied, TDA!! But if you ain’t, I got these Pinchers to fill in for me. I think. Wayment, lemme ask. Pinchers, what do you think Slinky and Woody are up to here? By the way, TDA, you’re a Pincher too… might as well throw out an hypothesis or two yourself.

Have a marvelous Friday! May your weekend be filled with Woody. Rather it’s yours or his. Boom boom kack.

Love ya like Ashley Judd loves Curtis Jackson,

Cheekie

*Yeah, ya’ll ninjas know it’s actually the other way around. Um, allegedly. *shifty eyes*
**It looks similar to whatever hat(s) Obama-Birthers wear in their everyday lives.
***”Woody comes”, doe? I SWEAHFOGAWD, I tried to think of other ways to put that sentence. I probably erased and replaced it 3 different types before I realized that I had already thought it and typed it. Thus, the damage is done. *repents

Pinchworthy: Obol Bowl Sons Soggy Cereal

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: So, on my quest to turn my rinky-dink blog into a legit rinky-dink blog, I’ve decided to start another series. Pinchworthy: Where I’ll showcase ish that makes me so excited I am remiss in hiding it. Thus, I won’t. I’ll share!

 

 

This is precisely my facial expression when my cereal deterioates.

 

I was trolling the Al Gore internets when I came across something magnificent. Wayment. Lemme backtrack for a hot second.

Remember my post where I lamented the very existence of soggy cereal? Yeah, that one. Caught up like Usher? Cool.

Ok, back to regularly scheduled programming. Amongst my trolling, I saw Cloud10LV say something funny in my timeline. Which ain’t unusual. That ninja is hilarious. Follow him on some pied piper ish. I decided to hit his blog since I hadn’t in a while and lo and behold, this beauty was the most recent post at the time.

My face after seeing the picture alone ~~>> O_O (which, ya’ll KNOW is scientifically impossible)

Jigga WHOWHATWHENWHEREWHYHOW?!

The Obol Bowl. The answer to my prayers! Two things…

1. How did I not know about this ’til today?! Ya’ll don’t understand. I had given up on cereal save for granola and (more recently) Honey Bunches Of Oats’ “Just Bunches” (which is a Godsend!). I had no faith left in reglah cerea, period.

2. Who loves me enough to get me one (or two… or three; three begats free shipping!) of these joints? *wistfully gazes at the sky*

Man, I am so excited about this existing that I want to hug a squirrel. It’s that serious. Ya’ll know I don’t fux with squirrels.

To get out a little bit of my excitement, allow me to express what the Obol Bowl is better than…

– The second coming occurring on a Monday while you’re at work eye-hustling the clock.

– Watching your worst enemy get a paper cut on that meaty space between your thumb and your trigger finger.

– Saturday happening over and over again on some Groundhog Day swag.

– Landing the trash-ket-ball (behind the back) shot on the first try.

– Searching for a parking space then all of a sudden driving up towards a space where someone is JUST getting out of it.

– Your birthday wish actually coming true.

– The other side of the pillow in July.

– You.

Man, I feel like dancing in response to this discovery. So, I’m gonna wrap it up here and lend the floor to you, Pinchers. What do you think of the Obol Bowl? Is it the best idea evah? (the only acceptable answer) Or is it plenty stupid and unnecessary? (false)

 

Love ya like Peppermint Patty loves Charlie Brown,

Cheekie

P.S. You dayum right I’mma bout to actually get up and dance around the crib after I finish this post…

Girl, Look What You’ve Done To Me

This. But, in chick form.

Ya’ll remember that Davy Jones joint on The Brady Bunch? Yeah, that.* Ish used to annoy me to know end. But, I sang it all the time. I’m a weird creature. *as everyone nods in agreement, leaving not one person to dispute*

Anyhoot.

Four score and 50-lem years ago, I read a post on VSB about girl crushes. And I commented. So, following up on my post about women being more comfortable with expressing their attraction to the same sex while still comfortably maintaining their hetereosexual status, I decided to expand on the list I left on VSB with a little detail. I love details. Hope you do, too.

So, allow me to shamone with my List O’ Girl Crushes (and why):

– Nia Long. Love Jones (I’m pretty sure I was team “Larenz and Nia” for the longest time). The Best Man (That Stevie Wonder “As” scene, doe?!). Fresh Prince of Bel Air (Lisa was my favorite girlfriend of Will’s, of course. And this was when I realized that Nia had a comedic flair). To name a few. What I love about Nia other than her beauty is how approachable she seems. Pretty much every character she portrays is always one that could be “yo girl.” She always portrays a character that is so cool and just about every woman can see themselves hanging out with her. And beyond that, she seems that way in real life. From her interviews, she seems as cool as her characters. But yeah, this is a popular choice amongst the ladies. I think what makes her so likeable is that, yes, while she’s pretty, she seems down enough for that not to be a “hateable” factor amongst women. Ya know, since we do that a lot. Hate on purty womens. o______O

– Aaliyah. Maaaaaaaaan, don’t even get me started on my Aaliyah stan-dom. Oh wait, you already did. Or maybe I did. Either way. I was probably about 12 or 13 when I first “fell” for her. Hell, I thought I WAS her. This was about the age when I got my first perm, so you couldn’t tell me ISH when I had my wrap. I rocked my over-the-eye side-swoop, all Tommy Gear airthang (yup, was a Hilfiger stan as well), and showed off the belly button.** The way she was able to create that “sexy tomboy” (I was definitely a tomboy back in the day) look and the fluidity of her dance moves spoke to me in her soft, sweet voice.

– Sanaa Lathan. Similar to the reasons why I dig Nia. She seems so cool… so down-to-earth. And her characters are usually the “girl next door”, underdog, “guy friend won’t notice me as something more” type character that I loved and naturally… identified with. While she’s definitely beautiful, she has these rough undertones that makes her more relatable… to me, at least.

– Stacey Dash. I remember when I first saw Clueless, one of my first thoughts was, “Wow, she’s pretty.”*** And whattaya know, this bish has gotten more gorgeous with age. In a society that values youth (coughHollyweirdcough), she’s one lucky missy. Because while she’s always been a pretty woman (and young lady), I must say that she’s upgraded with age. I can say that with confidence. She’s not just drinking the fountain of youth, she’s drinking the fountain of “Upgrade Ya.”

– Kate Winslet. So, in Titanic, I thought she was a feisty, cute and curvy woman. I loved her character and always sensed this understated grace. Then she grew up. And I’ve definitely been paying attention. Yes, she lost weight and has more of a Hollywood-accepted figure, but I think that understated grace that I sensed earlier is in full bloom now. And that’s what makes me crush on her. She still seems like the spunky girl from earlier times, but has this elegance that can’t quite be matched. Plus, she was effing PERFECTION in The Reader.

– Freida Pinto. This chick is effing FLAWLESS to me. Like, in Slumdog Millionaire, we saw her character, Latika through Jamal’s eyes. So, the audience was sort of “forced” to see her as beautiful. But, step back for a minute and actually look at her. Bish is gaw-juss. And she kept reiterating that when she walked the many red carpets throughout the film’s success. She’s pretty much a goddess, IMO.

– Honorable and more recent mention not added in the previous list: Mila Kunis. Yup, Black Swan had everything to do with this addition. I’m sure when I saw her on That 70s Show years ago, I was like, “She cute!”, but never really noticed her since I didn’t look at that show. But, after seeing her recently, I’ve been intrigued. For one, she has one of the most expressive eyes I’ve seen in a while. I like expressive eyes. Like, Michael Jackson swag. Anyway, she hot.

Lady Pinchers, it’s your turn! What are your girl crushes? Do you share any with me? And for my male Pinchers, you can either be brave and list a dude that you may or may not have (at one time) thought was a good lookin’ chap, or you can just enjoy in the girl love. Do it big.

Love ya like Laurie Ann Gibson loves the art of the boom-kack,

Cheekie

P.S. And, yes, I added Prince in the previous list. Ish still applies.

*The title implies something a bit more than what the post actually is, but it was seriously the first thing that I thought of so for folks that was expecting some sort of detailed girl-on-girl pr0n post: um… sorry?
**And by “showed off the belly button”, I mean “pulled up my shirt and tied it so that it was a belly top but only in the privacy of my bedroom while dancing in the mirror because my grandma was having none of that.”
***My second thought was, “Would she really be into Donald Faison, doe?”

Friday Foolery: Everybody Dance Now

Anyone who knows me (and even the hos who got a taste of my nightlife vibe in Dee Cee this past weekend) knows that I fancy dancing. Like, if I’m at a club, there is RARELY a moment where you’ll catch me sitting down. And I love it even more when others around me share in this love of the jig. There is absolutely no hateration or holleration dwelling within this dancery.

That’s why I’m feeling my man Flynt Flossy in the following video. Or, as I have lovingly called him, “Charlie Murphy.” For those who have asked (because, yes, ya’ll have asked), naw this ain’t really Charlie Murphy. Just an ongoing jokey joke. I gots jokes.

Anywho.

Dance Along To My LIVE Commentary:

0:06 – ‘Sup with this 1980s calculator ass font on the word “DANCE”, doe?

0:16 – Get it, Charlie Murphy! I swear, in each of the previous videos I’ve featured on here for Turquoise Jeep Music, one of the most intriguing things about it is this dude’s dance moves.

0:27 – I really wanna get up and dance myself but I’m thoroughly distracted by his California Raisin colored jogging suit.

0:33 – Ah, the chicks wearing stretchy pants! Throwback!

0:42 – Yeah, you bout to have “clap clap clap; clap clap snap” all up and THROUGH yo head in a few minutes. lol

0:43 – Is he wearing motorcycle gloves?

0:49 – I love how he says “did I mention I like to dance” over and over like he didn’t just obviously mention it 50-lem times prior. But, he just wanna be crystal clear, ya know?

0:51 – Woo chile, he is jammin’.

1:03 – PRETTY sure he took the same ish Jesse Spano did that caused her to get so excited and later… so scared.

1:04 – You see those circles they dancing on? All three of ‘em? Shaped like Mickey Mouse. ‘Course I noticed that. SMH…

1:14 – I love how this is just a glorified line dance. “One foot to the left; one foot to the right.” But, Charlie Murphy puts some “oomf” into it. He just don’t PUT it to the left, he shimmies it to the left. Get it, boo!

1:21 – Fabulous how he gives us an FYI that this is verse number 2. And he pop-locks to emphasize this point.

1:28 – His mustache came from the dollar store and not his roots right?

1:43 – Even his moonwalk is doing the most. Sir.

2:00 – This ninja is KILLNG these isolations. I’mma need him to not be winning so effing flawlessly.

2:20 – All them hands touching up on him, doe? Maybe they’re trying to get some of his dance vibes? Hell, I would, too. Ok, I wouldn’t. Sure I would…

2:30 – I’m (not so) secretly mad his body roll is better than mine. Ain’t better than the Black Ranger’s, doe… so HA!

2:37 – YESSSSSS @ the “fried or fertilized” shout-out! That one is probably my favoritest dance of them all. Yeah, favoritest. As Webster (of the Dictionary clan) shakes his damn head…

2:39 – A Pootie Tang appearance, too?! *falls out with glee*

2:48 – Lawd, they done included almost all their greatest hits on this song. He even did the “Stretchy Pants” dance. Good looks.

2:54: Pootie’s face is very serious. Like he filing taxes on the day before they’re due or some ish.

3:03 – He’s right on point with the “Black people they love to dance, White people they love to dance, all people they love to dance (5x).” I truly think that is the cure to racism. If everyone just stopped and danced all day, that’ll bring the post-racial America that delusional folks — er… optimists — love to think exists today.

3:18 – Did he say “round/thin”? Way to be politically correct, Charlie Murphy!

3:30 – That last “DANCE!” was pretty gangsta. He just wanna make sure you catching what he pitchin’…

That wraps it up, Pinchers. Hope you have a fantasmic weekend! Of which I hope is filled with… you guessed it… dancing. There’s always room for dancing. ALWAYS.

Love ya like Wendy Williams’ post-DWTS feet love to look tragic,

Cheekie