There is always one aspect of your wardrobe that makes you feel extra sexy. That one thing that puts it over the top, makes everything else look better, and ultimately makes you feel better. For some folks it’s high-heels, a cleavage-baring top, a fresh pair of white sneaks, or a wifebeater (for those whose Thanksgiving dinner is provided by 7-11).
And for others, it’s spandex. Yeah, spandex.
I thought no one loved spandex more than Eddie Murphy when I saw The Nutty Professor. Remember that scene when he first slimmed down and he took advantage of it by eating as much as he pleased (without gaining anything), going to aerobics class, and buying all of his clothes in “all spandex!” He was all, “Where’s the spandex section?!” Remember?!*
Like I said, he had the reigning “Spandex Stan” crown. Until, I saw this:
That’s right, Turquoise Jeep music is back at the eCrib! Ya’ll know I couldn’t stay away for long. I present to thee, “Stretchy Pants.”
Let’s Do A Few Warm-Up Stretches. Live:
0:06 – Ok, I just said that he loves spandex more than anyone else. And then gone say he doesn’t even know what the stretchy pants are made of. Shameful. And WHAT is with the zoom-in of the graffiti pants? It looks like an urban city subway platform threw up all over them.
0:14 – Um. That was LOUD. And it didn’t blend in well, at all. I mean, did dude singing the hook record his part with a Playskool Radio Cassette Recorder?**
0:16 – That dance is just… -_- Charlie Murphy know he comes out with some crazy dances, don’t he?
0:33 – I’m mad this video is being shot on a set of construction paper.
0:45 – WOMP.
0:54 – LOL @ him poppin’ outta nowhere to say “Stretchy Pants.”
0:55 – Whoa, it’s lookin’ like Lite Brite right about nah…
1:02 – Did he say “red, green, yellow like Mike & Ike”? Motherlovin’ throwback! I used to eat those joints like my life depended on it. Good look on the rhyming tip.
1:12 – No, they didn’t put an arrow, pointing at the pants. This is so damn hokey.
1:18 – The “Ohhh. Ohhhhhhhhh-ho ohhhhhhhh” in the background of the hook seems ill-placed. Like, he just wanted to show off his voice. But, there was nothing to show.
1:24 – Yeah, Charlie Murphy just said “Eff this beat” and rapped to his own tune.
1:33 – He loves to see that camel toe. And he actually drew an image of it in the air. Lawd, I need Jeebus.
2:00 – O_________________O
2:01: He WHAT?! He doesn’t care that his trapezoid-beard homie sonned him by saying he didn’t smash… because he… ate that ass? GOODBYE. And this mofo has the nerve to repeat it over and over. I am DYING laughing.
2:03 – WHILE petting a dog. How you gone talmbout eating someone’s rump while petting a dayum canine? That poor pup ain’t eeeeem ask to be a part of that foolishness.
2:11 – He said “put the music in.” Back to regularly scheduled programming. Like I’m ‘sposed to forget that he just painfully (for me, I mean) harmonized about derrière dining.
2:15 – I’m still mad at this dance and also at the fact that the pants are actually incorporated into the steps.
2:39 – HAHAHAHA @ Charlie Murphy pointing at the pants rhythmically. EVERYthing is a dance to him.
2:52 – Oh lawd, not the errant “Ohhhh uhhhhhh ohhhhh!” mess again.
3:28 – They gonna get enough of this special arse dancing. *falls out*
You know what gets on my nerves? Turquoise Jeep Music songs are SO catchy, that I can’t even come across whatever they’re talmbout in life ever again without having that respective song in my head. I’m gonna try to purposely avoid all stretchy pants aisles at the stores now. I’m not giving up my yoga pants, doe because they be having the cheeks lookin’ right.
Happy Friday, Pinchers! Rock your stretchy pants this weekend, ladies. Because you know dudes gotta have it, gotta touch it, and thinkin’ of it.
Love ya like Zach Morris loves to break the 4th wall (oh, and he loves Kelly Kapowski, too),