Back in the day (WAY back, back into TIME, even) when I was still a Blogger* bum, I started a little series called Fashion Nonsense. Click that link I just made back there to check ‘em out, by the way.
It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you, my precious series. But, now I’m back in the habit on some Whoopi ish!
So here we go, five more fashionable (or not so much) items that I just don’t get:
1. Flip-Flops. Now hear me out. I’m not hating on flip-flops, in general — they can be comfy in certain situations — just particular aspects. Those el cheapo Old Navy flip-flops can go die somewhere. They look like plastic mistakes and they are not nice on your toes. I’ve probably scratched or somehow irritated my toes in one way or another by wearing those. Secondly, why are flip-flops the go-to shoe for EVERYWHERE for some folks? Like I said, they are comfy, but in certain situations. Flip-flops are not — lemme echo this one mo’ ‘gain — flip flops are NOT walking shoes. I often see people walking long distances in their flip flop joints and I say a little prayer (and a couple Hail Marys just in case) for their poor feets. Also, for some reason these shoes seem to be the most common offender of “Oh, I didn’t know it was 30 degrees outside” type folks who REFUSE to believe that summer is over.
2. Holiday Sweaters. Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, all’at. Christmas sweaters are the worst because there are actual events surrounding them. Like, you know something’s bad when someone creates an entire bar crawl in honor of mocking folks that actually think it’s cool. Look, I get it. You like a particular holiday. But how about — at the very most — rocking the color schemes to celebrate? Why you gotta get a sweater that is probably shapeless and can only be worn for a few days? I ADORE Christmas. It’s my fave. But I’ll be DAMNED (on some eternal damnation ish) if you ever catch me wearing a sweater with some holly and snowflakes bedazzled on it. Unless, I’m doing a fug Christmas sweater bar crawl. Which, hell, I’m hesitant about doing those but if the right person invites me and there are dranks involved, well…
3. Fingerless Gloves. You know the type that the stereotypical cartoony bum (who can surprisingly afford clown makeup) wears to show you how downtrodden he is? Those. This is that “seasonal oxymoron” ish I just cannot deal with. So, your hands are cold, but your fingers — a mere inch away, if that — ain’t? Sure, it makes it easier to type or lollygag on your smartphone, but don’t they have those touch gloves now? Which supposedly come in handy for the touch-phones? Or those mittens with the top that pops off so you can do yo thang for a hot second and then cover them back up. Which, still doesn’t make sense because if I’m cold, I mean… REALLY cold? I’m tryna rush into a warm building ASAP and avoid doing anything that will stall me from doing so, including texting some nicca. They can wait.
4. Leggings As Pants. Lawdhamercyonme, this is a FREQUENT offender. And where does this happen most? On ladies who have legs that look like walking ham hocks. I am all #TeamThickThighs (meaning my thighs rub together when I walk) so I know I have no bidness looking like I’m auditioning for a Shakespeare play. And don’t think the skinty bishes can get away with it. Lindsay Lohan STAYED wearing leggings as pants and the hilarious ladies at Go Fug Yourself roasted her for days, and rightfully so. Lookin’ like Peter Pan’s shameful cousin that he don’t claim. Leggings are an accessory, not a main clothing item. They are best worn with tunics, dresses, or any other item that is long enough to actually cover your rump and at least grace your thighs. Camel Toe should stay on the Sahara, ladies. K? Grazie.
5. Bling Overload. My mama yo mama (live across the street) and everybody’s mama always said, “Money can’t buy you class.” And lawwwwd, is this ever true when it comes to jewelry. It seems that as soon as someone comes across a nice amount of dough (be that lottery, fame, or plain ol’ hood rich tax refund check), they feel the need to display their entire bank account on their body via bling. I CANNOT with oversized gold chains, young men. Especially if you are NOT a caricature a la Mister T. I don’t see you pitying any fools. Sit alla’way down. And ladies? Why you gotta wear every single ring in your jewelry box at the same time? A ring on every single finger? Even if it’s just one hand, that’s too much. Give one (or two; one is best, frankly) ring its shine, damn!
Pinchers, strut yo fashion sense! What do you think about the ones I listed above? Am I being too hard on ‘em or not hard enough? And feel free to list any more that I haven’t covered and I’ll probably jack yo style — er, I mean, thankfully use one of your suggestions.
Love ya like Hoarders love to keep everything… ever… in the history of saving,