eHarmony is SUCH a cockblocker.
You probably thought it was hard out there for a pimp. And it just may be. But, pimps (even the fake ones that only emulate real pimps in dress, as in Chicago) ain’t got nuffin on single women. Womens who check the “single” box got it tough! Especially one with melanin, as Nightline and/or Washington Post will surely tell you.
And no example has showcased such dating hardships quite like the one I’m about to share with you, my Pinchers. Well, actually, I’m paying the foolery forward. It’s a movement, ya’ll! o_O
One day, I was enjoying a leisurely gchat with @quiethaylestorm, very smartly known as “Keisha Brown” (KB) to you VSB hos. She decided to be THE BEST PERSON EVAH and share a note she received from a potential (except, there’s absolutely no potential there) suitor via an online dating site.*
Behold, the note. VERBATIM. Thank her later:
look at your picture, i am even scared to write. You look to good to be true. I want love, can you give me love. tell me about you.
She replies…
thank you for the compliment. Have a great weekend.
He retorts…
have a great day.???? that all I get???what??? are you serious?? Now you know what. I want you. I am africa? in my culture, I get what I like. No mountain would stop me.I buy you a private jet?? brand new car?? or I give you my mother?? which one do you want.
O_______________O
Naturally, she — in own her words — proceeded to “BLOCK. DELETE all while giving a MAJOR SIDE EYE.” Word, homie. Word.
My Thoughts:
- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *chokes* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *coughs* Heeheeheehee.
- Ok. *breath*
- First off, ol’ dude is obviously enraptured by KB’s picture. He claims he’s too afraid to even write. This reminds me of what The Champ said about men not being truly intimidated by a woman if he’s brave enough to approach her. Then again, as the children of the future know, the innanets allows those who are not brave to at least appear brave online. Word to e-thugs. Maybe that’s what he’s all about here.
- KB’s shutdown is EPIC. She thanked him and told him to have a great weekend. Boom. Does he take the hint? *Senator Clay Davis* Sheeeeeeeeeeiiiiit, dudes can’t even take “I have a boyfriend” as a rejection, let alone taking a damn hint.
- THIS is where it gets legendary. He is appalled that all he got were well wishes for the weekend. Actually, amongst his pure white hot fury, he mistakenly thought that she only wished him a great day. Maybe he woulda felt a bit better had he realized he read it wrong and she actually hoped his entire weekend was great? Oh, hell. That mofo is lucky he didn’t get a sternly worded email from the dating site’s officials for being a ding-dang creep.
My Favorite Parts Of His Retort:
1. “I am africa?” I love how he is essentially asking her if he is an entire continent. Dude, does she look like a map to you?
2. “No mountain will stop me.” This must be the lyrics to the remix of the classic Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell hit.
3. “or I give you my mother??” What in thee Orbit Gum fuck?! He offered to give away the woman who (unfortunately) birthed him to a chick he JUST started talking to. Online. Damn, Gina. KB has beaucoup opportunities to brag. She can just say a dude wanted to hand over his mother in exchange for her love. Just leave out the other stuff and folks will believe she must a dimepiece! I have to wonder, though. What would she do with someone else’s mother? Force her to bake pies?
Happy Friday, Pinchers! I would say have a great weekend, but you all will probably get angry and offer me your family members.
Love ya like Jenifer Lewis loves to appear in every Black film,
Cheekie
See, this is why the idea of online dating doesn’t appeal to me. I already get this sort of nonsense (maybe not as hilariously sad), I raelly wouldn’t want it in email form.
Oh man I am a frequent reader of VSB and I ended up over at Luvvie’s website and then found yours and I have to say I picked a great day to start following your blog. This was hilarious. The grammar and spelling is enough. This is just sad. It is a shame that men think this much of us females to come half stepping with this sh*t. Contrary to what the media might want these fools to think the Black woman, however chronically single we may be, is not desperate enough to put up with this foolishness.
Pure Hilarity…that is all.
Oh and I **heart** VSB.
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I died when he said he’d give up his mother. He is Africa? Lmao smang it girl!
1st off: cheekie!!! i love this post! thanks for quoting and the special shoutout!! *struts like a celebrity, drinking veuve with the pinky up.
2nd: whyyyyyy was i sliding off the leather couch in starbucks this morning reading this on my phone. i should have known better
3rd: you have captured the essence of how i felt when i got it. i truly had no words. like.. all electronic forms of side eye would NOT have sufficed AT ALL.
4th: THIS –> Maybe he woulda felt a bit better had he realize he read it wrong and she actually hoped his entire weekend was great? KILLED. ME. DEAD. word to Sophia.
5th: i think his reaction was probably part shock, because most women probably would have said anything to the 1st message. but im polite. whether on the e- or real streets, dude gives a compliment..i say thanks. and keep. on. walkin (work to ceci peniston)…but his reaction is THE EXACT reason why women turn into deaf chicks because being a polite human being equals cause for further conversation…
6th: i dont even drive..wha di rass am i gonna do with a private jet? who am i…john travolta? sir richard branson???
7th: his. mother. i flatlined. i mean.. what..who..when..where..how… i just..
i wish i had kept all the ones that were similar to that (like the dude who said..dont be so picky..i wasn’t with you. UM WHAT???). i joined in april and it was..an interesting experience. some pleasant. some not so much. had a lot of 1st dates, and a couple that made it to 2 months. (they both disappeared after 2 months..no i didnt ask for a ring..le sigh). it was an experiment that lasted longer than i expected.
one thing i can say, is that it forced me to be honest with myself about what i wanted and more clear in my communication with the menfolk. men dont take hints. they need black and white. (word to MJ).
here’s my other fave for y’all:
so was playing tag with this dude. our phone convos left me not inspired to want to actually meet him. so i finally decided to cut off all the phone tag. i sent him a msg saying, he’s a nice guy..but our schedules clearly dont work (they didnt) and it’s probably best to just stop the madness (not verbatim).
he replied by txt (verbatim..saved since aug 26 for giggles)
wat is d point of dat stupid text! u could hav jus deleted me! Ur text makes abslout no sense breakin up without meeting me..lol who does dat? I guess dats what happened when u r trapped in diff skin. weirdo.
trapped in diff skin?? what is this..silence of the lambs?? and IM the wierdo??
my reply (cuz i must have the last word.. bird):
wow. it’s called being a considerate adult. and i DID delete you before and you re-added me. it’s not breaking up, i was being polite in stopping the back and forth about trying to meet. if that makes me a wierdo – so be it. good luck with life, don’t ever ask for honesty since you clearly dont know how to handle it.
and this..ladies and gentlemen..is why i stay single.
thanks again cheekie..you kick started my weekend on THEE best note everer!! heartyaforrealz!
I literally could not stop laughing…there’s no reason why that should have been as funny as it was…”I am Africa?” Lmao! You really mean to tell me you’re a collection of countries, complete with sand, pyramids, and beautiful people? SADDOWN! reminds me of the man that Panama Jackson had to save me from at happy hour who said he wanted to take me into the bush for a week…o_O ._____.
Another great post Cheekie…let’s hope I don’t get fired for laughing…lol
1) Dating shouldn’t be this hard! KB you have my continued prayers for happy couplehood.
2) Cheeks! *in admonishing tone* are you TRYING to get me fired?! I’m certain I shouldn’t laugh this hard while at work.
3) L Boogie, the man who wanted to carry you off to the bush was priceless! I should’ve taken his picture.
“I guess dats what happened when u r trapped in diff skin. weirdo.”
On days when the rainbow isn’t enuf, I click on “Friday Foolery” and just prepare to laugh at my desk, in an office that I share with two other people. This post was hilarious…Cheeks you’re a genius fool and KB, take that flesh dress off please. Can’t be walking around wearing human skin in the summer, wait until fall.
im sorry!!!
*throws flesh dress in back of closet.. LOL
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Actually, that reply from him seems like a joke. Just one that would sound a lot better in person and probably work at a bar.
LOL you’d be surprised how serious folks are with their craziness.
This is why I know I’ll be forever a student, always learning more.