*waves at ya’ll frantically* Heyyy! (Sorry for the over-enthusiasm, I’ve had too much sugar this week. Damn half-priced leftover Halloween candy.)
You know what I really appreciate — no, scratch that, EXPECT — in a ninja in the year two-aught-one-aught? The ability to multi-task. In the days of having an average of 10+ tabs* open while surfing the Gore innanets, you have to be able to do this effectively. Or die. Kinda like you have to vote. Or die. *side-eyes all ya’ll non-voting ninjas who were legally able to vote but chose not to, causing me to make a Puff Daddy reference*
Anyway, the following gentleman are able to do just that and because they can, they will maintain my respect. o_O Right. Oh! And these ain’t no stranger bishes, neither, I’ve invited them to my Friday Foolery Function before.
As I smang this commentary (Sidebar – Remember I’m calling these mofos Pootie Tang and Charlie Murphy, who are professionally known as Young Humma and Flynt Flossy, respectively):
0:02 – Aw, sookie now! Look at him caressing that good hurr. Eff a Herbal Essences. Y’all need to be up on that Humma Essences. The H is silent, just like in “herbal.”
0:08 – Why he humming like that? It’s so uncomfy. You know who else’s humming I used to cringe at? Avant’s in “Separated.” I couldn’t STAND that song, all because of the wonky humming. Also, ain’t Avant mighty bloated nowadays?
0:12 – Look at Pootie’s eyes! They are the male version of Rihanna’s and Audrina’s (of “The Hills” fame). Absolutely nothing going on in there. Just an abyss of numbness.
0:23 – “I gotta treat fo’ you and you gonna like it (Scooby snack).” Goodnight.
0:26 – Wait. Is he doing that dance from Chingy’s “Right Thurr” video? Is that a super secret way to get Chingy’s latest album’s sale numbers up to the seven-hundred mark?
0:28 – HOLD. THE. TRACPHONE. Ya’ll see that ish going on in the background of that young dame dancing? I sweahfogawd that is the same ish going on in the background of O-Town’s “Liquid Dreams.” *as the members from that now-defunct boy band pause from holding the Lil’ Caesar’s sign at the intersection to look up and revel in that fact that they’ve been acknowledged once in the past 10 years* Ya’ll remember O-Town? I effed with them. I ain’t e’en gotta lie to kick it, I used to BUMP this ‘Liquid Dreams” joint. Judge me. Take me into chambers. I could give a flying rat’s rump.
0:42 – Ooh! He is serious! Look at that face. He is giving fierce dancing face. Can’t nobody tell me he ain’t really into this. You betta work them hips like it’s a recession. Trick!
0:47 – Wow. I love how he’s outdancing the curly-haired video vixen. His face is saying, “This ain’t a game! Work!” and her face is saying, “Eh, it pays the bills.”
1:09 – This mofo said “smash, bang, fusion.” It’s a chemical reaction, bishes! Also, he has to be nominated for “Worst Lip-Syncher in The History of Lips.”
1:27 – I love his little side ad-libs. “I’ll leave yo body feeling like a rainforest (drip drip).” Tee hee!
1:34 – WAIT. Cut the music. Is he… giving her a lapdance while she’s sitting in a damn Office Depot computer chair?
1:41 – LOOK. AT. HER. FACE. She has “Dis some bullshit” written all over it. In 26 pt font.
1:46 – Homie is gritting his teef. Putting every ONE of them molars into this thrust-session.
1:48 – That Liquid Dreams dancer got a Keri Hilson hairstyle. *Forrest Gump voice* That’s all I gotta say about that.
2:01 – Aw, snap! Charlie Murphey know how to work his hip bones, too! I ain’t mad.
2:11 – Dude, his thrusting game is on some Quagmire levels.
2:27 – O_________O
2:38 – Is Charlie Murphy incorporating the Fried or Fertilized Dance, The Dougie, and the Smang Thrust all into one? See?! Multitasking fo dat ass.
2:42 – *cackles* He just thrusted on beat. Like “1-2.” I can’t.
2:59 – LMAO @ the different variations of the same extreme close-up shot. He pointing all intense-like. I see you, damn.
3:13 – Dis. Kneegrow. Said. “Another Banger. … Or should I say Smanger.” *packs up hat and goes home*
3:15 – Wait. Before, I go… who is this Phantom of The Hip Hopera looka boy?! Is this a tease to their next hit?!
3:23 – *reads video info* Oh, ok, I thought he said “Turquoise Jeep” earlier. I was right. Actually, to keep it funky, I initially (for one millisecond) thought he said “Turquoise Cheap” which is way more foolish, but I guess I’m asking too much. Anyhow. Turquoise Jeep. That’s their record company, it seems. I ain’t e’en gonna rack my brain cells around the backstory of that one.
Um, yeah. Happy Friday, Pinchers! For you Pimpin’ Pinchers, I only hope that you get to partake in some smanging this weekend. If you only smash (and NOT bang), well, then you’re no better than Danger from “The Love of Ray J.” Up your standards.
Love ya like Alanis loves to insinuate that she would go down on you in a theater,