Nom Nom Nom: School Snack Attack

Yeah, I see why I chose junk food over this nitrates-loaf.

I wish nostalgic started with a “w” so I could make a cutesy title for Wednesday.

Recently, there’s been a ginormous surge in Facebook friend requests from ninjas I knew in elementary school. This got me feeling all Barbara Streisand as I frolicked through the memories in the corner of my mind. Got me sitting here wondering how everyone aged and daydreaming about the days of yore. When I was a wee Cheekie. When my cheeks were even more pinchable than they are now and yet I was more likely to cut a bish if anyone pinched them.

One particular aspect of my elementary school — wait… *record scratch* Hol’ up. WHY am I callin’ it “elementary school” when I know dayum well I say “grammar school?” Oh, I’m fancy, huh? Naw, I’m still down. *B-Boy stance* — I mean, one particular aspect of my grammar school times was the cafeteria. And my fondest memories have absolutely nothing to do with the preservative burgers they call food, it was the snacks that ruled the cafeteria at my joint.

It’ll take forever to list ‘em all, and Lawd knows no one has time for that (unless you live in a boring place like Utah, then you have time for everything. #ignorantshotsfired). So, I’ll just list my top five. Gimme a high five!*

1. The Hot Pickle. Excuse me, you thought you were cool? No, trick, no. You were not the ish until you made that pop sound using your tongue and the roof of your mouth after biting into a hot pickle. Yes, you could’ve gotten “sour”, like the Average Tyrone, but if you got that young hot pickle? You were gangsta. I’ve always loved me some spicy stuff (still do), but I could only eat these in moderation. Even though I loved them so. Let’s just say that I’d rather sacrifice my vice than having to introduce vaseline (old school) to my other cheeks. o_O

2. The Hot-Sauced Doritos. Oh, praise Him, this is still one of my weaknesses to this day. I’ve calmed down on them since my more youthful years (shiiiit, I’m STILL youthful, Fountain of Youth BISH), but I used to go SO hard on Doritos with hot sauce. I used to drench those mofos with hot sauce so much, there would be a pool of hot sauce remaining after I scraped up the last crumb. I had my Doritos swimming at a hot sauce waterpark. It was so obnoxious and now that I think about it as a current grown folk (i.e. more rational), I want to backhand younger Cheekie for wasting all that good hot sauce. If I’ve done my fake calculations correctly, I could’ve had 4 extra bottles of hot sauce right now. SON OF A –

3. The Frooties. Ya’ll remember the penny candy lady? The one who illegaly sold candy out of her crib? Shoot, ya’ll remember penny candy period? Well, my favorite was Chews and Frooties, with a slight advantage to Frooties. I would murder a huge bag of those things and I’d only be out of, like, 50 cents. Those were the days, Archie and Edith. Hell, my sister Chyna upped and surprised me by buying me two big ol’ bags of Frooties recently. She wins at sibling-hood. *as my teeth Leiomy-drop** due to all that torture*

4. The Butter Cookies. Ah, the classic cafeteria snack. The cafeteria ladies used to set up this table in the corner of the lunchroom (another non-bougie switch from “cafeteria”…I know damn well I said “lunchroom” back then) and sell these buttery versions of manna for a quarter. This snack is truly a heart-attack waiting to happen classic. Hell, Mama Cheekie — to this day — lusts for these since she ate them when she was a young buck at school as well. It’s hard to find some true butter cookies unless you frequent the hole-in-the-wall chicken shack. Which I proudly do. Harolds FTW. As much as I liked these, they still didn’t hold a candle to…

5. The Caramel Cake. JesusMaryJoseph, I just had a food-gasm right nah. Just thinking about it. Next to the butter cookies, the lunchroom ladies would set up a baking pan full of caramel cake slices, fresh out of the oven, of which they’d sell for 50 cents. And I’m not talking about caramel icing. Let’s get this straight right the eff now. I mean, ooey-gooey warm caramel. Those cakes left me in such a perpetual state of bliss, I am mighty sure I pissed platinum during those days. I remember feeling the ultimate butthurtness when they stopped selling them and I went on a rampage trying to find them at stores, but everyone is up on that icing blasphemy. That ain’t caramel! I know caramel (*points to skin*), and that ain’t no caramel. Blech. But, you know who really reigns supreme in that area? My auntie! She makes THEE best caramel cake in the history of flour. I remember I tasted it at a family gathering one day and was like, ‘Um, why come no one told me ’bout this?!” I was heated that I went about 13 years without knowing the heaven she made in the oven. Where dey do dat at? #FamilyFAIL. Once I got the true benefits from her delectable pastries, she moved to New Orleans. FML. *as I plan to visit her in the near future on some “Heywherethecakeat? It’s so great to see you! *hugs* Thecake, doe.” ish.*

And that wraps up the list. Thank goodness it’s over because my tummy is in that growling mode and that’s never a good thing.***

Pinchers! Share your favorite school snacks! And while you’re sharing, if you can make a caramel cake like the one described above, send it my way. I will pay you in pinches. You pay the shipping & handling charges. Much love.

Love ya like Brian Pumper loves to look like a funhouse mirror Lloyd Banks,

Cheekie

*”We’re brothers. We’re happy and we’re singing and we’re colored.” is what truly precedes this sentence and everyone knows that. It is law.
**So, apparently her name is spelt “Leoimy” and not “Leyomi?” I just found this out, TODAY. Ok, whichever one of you anonymous internet ninjas made me think this queen’s name was spelt like the latter? I wish for you an entire lifetime of Crocs fashion shows. The nerve. And nobody had the ego heart to correct me after all this time?! Hmph.
***My tummy seems to growl at the worst times, like during an exam when I was in college (everyone is quiet) or during a meeting at work (everyone is quiet and trying to stay awake). FML.