Every now and then, I manage to come across foolery in the most innocent way possible. That’s probably the best foolery. When I’m just minding my own business (in this case, “minding my business” was “browsing the internets with no intention of finding foolery fodder*”) and all of a sudden, some foolery just up and presents itself. No one had to send it to me, I didn’t see it re-tweeted on Twitter… none of that. It was destiny.
Basically, I found a Yahoo! article on ugly shoes. It was one of the “Featured” articles on its homepage. Please check it out here: The Ugliest Shoes, Well, Ever.
I cannot begin to tell ya’ll how loudly I cackled as I clicked on the picture of each shoe. As ya’ll know, I love sharing, so naturally I’m going to share my reaction to each pair of shoes.
Seriously, these shoes are fug. You know how throwing a shoe is considered the highest form of insult in the Arab world? Well, let’s just say I’d majorly cut a bish if any of the following shoes were thrown at me…
1. I cannot picture anything but you galloping across the fields if you wear these shoes. Why would any self-respecting person want shoes that make their feet look like they slaughtered Tina from Napoleon Dynamite in the name of fashion?
2. So, basically, someone sat up and thought, “You know what? Wouldn’t it be cool to create a dramatization of how it would be like if you could see through people’s shoes?” It’s even more silly when I think of someone who is NOT the color of those feet wearing these.
3. Oh lawd, did the Snuggle Bearhave to perish in order to make these pink tragedies you call shoes? And why do they look so happy? These fug shoes are a terrible place to spend the afterlife.
4. You know how when we were kids we wished and fantasized that we could defy gravity? I’m assuming this is fashion’s answer to said fantasy. This is what I’d imagine the levitating David Blaine would wear if he were a catwalk model.
5. I not-so-lovingly refer to them as FUggs. I briefly talked about them way back when. I think the Yahoo! article said it best, “Uggs are like the cockroaches of ugly shoes, they just will not die.” SPEAK LAWD. SPEAK TO ME.
6. As if FUggs weren’t bad enough, Jimmy Choo decided to add some “flavor” to ‘em. This shoe is like the glow-in-the-dark ceiling of a teenager’s bedroom. It looks like bootleg Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper art. Not something I want on my shoes.
7. Huh?! This is what a Power Ranger boot would look like if someone decided to put it through a rotini pasta cutter.
8. NO ONE should like Gameboy this much. Can you pull out the gameboy from the shoe? If you’re a Gameboy fan and you’re considering purchasing these shoes for game-geek convenience/fashion purposes, hit yourself over the head with said Gameboy.
9. Oh, here we go with the oxymoronic clothing. Do you roam the streets feeling all, “Ahhh! My legs are freezing! But, my toes? My toes are much too toasty.” Eureka! Sock sandals. o_O
10. Oh my, Louis Vuitton is so genius! Making a heel out of — what looks like — a doorstop! Glamour! Fashion! Douchbaggery!
11. Ah, the classic pimp shoe. Duh, Marlin if you wanted to find Nemo, all you had to do was look in Archbishop Don Magic Juan’s closet.
12. The infamous Lady Gaga shoes. Granted, I do agree with the fashion world that they are works of art. But, you don’t catch me wearing the actual Mona Lisa painting as a hat, do you? Plus, how does this Gaga bish (or ANY bish) walk in these? For serious.
14. So, basically, the designer’s muse for these things was “pubic hair?” This shoe is so NSFW.
15. Similar to the toe shoes, these things have an affinity for feet. So much so that they want to supposedly make the owner feel like they’re walking barefoot? And the shoes are made for sprinting? If you take Antoine Dodson’s advice and run tell that (Homeboy) in these shoes, hopefully what you tell folks is that you should be slapped with Bugs Bunny’s glove.
16. Ok, the picture on the left is what looks to be a rag. Or a “Oh you fancy, huh?” dinner napkin. But then — VOILA BISHES — it turns into a sandal. Um…(-___-). I’d rather my shoes not be a show in Vegas, but thanks. Let alone the whole getup being grotesque, the shoe is fug even without the rag. And you call this a surprise reveal?
17. Apparently, Marc Jacobs saw how “meh” Clarks (aka “wallabees”) shoes were and decided to add a heel AND a platform. Granted, they’re not “meh” anymore, so he was successful in that regard. The word I think of now is, “clusterfuck.”
18. Oh, Balenciaga. I loves your handbags, on the real. But, these shoes? Well, they kinda reignite my yearning to visit LegoLand, but actually wearing them? I’d rather French-kiss a cactus.
19. Yeah, I’m not so into the Gladiator shoe trend in and of itself. I mean, I’ve seen some cute and non-obnoxious ones, but…eh. These, though? Are like the Two-Face of shoes. Sandal in the front, boot in the back? Like, does your leg have split personalities?
(Um, so yeah. I have no idea why they decided to end the list on such an odd number: 19. The neurotic part in me wants to just randomly add another shoe to make it an even twenty, but I’m trying to pay homage to the article. Word to female hip-hop emcees.)
Mayne, those some fug shoes. My eyes are considering quitting their job because I’ve assaulted them so. And what makes it even worse is that a lot of them are high-designer shoes, thus making them expensive. I’m a pretty cheap thrifty person and if it ain’t something that I really, really love**, I’m not spending much money on it. So, imagining someone actually spending beaucoup dollars on these particular shoes is mind-boggling. And, frankly, offensive.
Happy Friday, Pincher boos! This weekend, don’t wear any of the above shoes. *stereotype poetry slam snap*
Love ya like The Situation loves to end up in certain situations involving the gym, tanning, and laundry,