Kick him through the phone
You know about karma? Well, it recently round-house kicked me for watching BET on the regular. You know how? By causing “Pretty Boy Swag” to replay over and over in my head. I HATE when a song I hate is in my head. And not in the way a Beyonce or Lady Gaga song I initially feel “meh” about slowly becomes a song I like, but I mean in the way where I want to lose my mind and hope it is never found.
So, Mr. Tell ‘Em, this post is dedicated to you. I present to you, Five Things I Think About When I Hear The Name, “Soulja Boy.”
1. His Eyebrows Are Malnourished.
I mean, really look at this. Somewhere in Ernie’s bathroom, Bert is frowning hard right now. He knows good eyebrow hair is going to waste in order to appease some “pretty boy” craze. I mean, it makes me wonder what he did with that extra hair he sliced off with a razor. Hopefully he either used it to…
– Create a new, closer-to-home hairline for Ne-Yo.
– Create a line of Leg Snuggies: Mo’Nique Edition.
– Donate to pre-pubescent males that can’t even grow peach fuzz.
Only those three things would be acceptable enough to warrant slicing parts of your eyebrow off. Think of it as paying it forward.
2. He Needs A Bougie Name, On The Side.
So, my niece and I play this little Soulja Boy-inspired game. Yes, I’m a great Auntie. Passing down foolishness to my sister’s kids. Ever since first hearing his full name, “Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em” and cackling over how someone could use an entire sentence as their rap name, I came up with an alternative. Why not class it up? Such as (and, yes, the commas are intentional, I said it’s classy):
– Soulja Boy, Inform Them.
– Soulja Boy, Proclaim To Them.
– Soulja Boy, Exclaim To Them.
– Soulja Boy, Acknowledge Them.
– Soulja Boy, Make An Announcement To Them (Lebron).
– Soulja Boy, Let Them Know What Is Up.
– Soulja Boy, Divulge A Plethora Of Information To Them.
You see where I’m going with this? To hell, obviously. On to the next one…
3. The Gap.
I know, number 3 makes absolutely no sense. Gimme a minute. Recently, I was painting my nails and the nail color was called “Mellow Yellow.” (Sally Hansen, holla!) Well, my mind sprinted to something else entirely (as it so often does) and its inevitable destination was nostalgia. Remember that Gap commercial? This one, I mean:
I used to adore that commercial! Anyway, go to the part where the Blondie sings, “Saffron’s mad about meeee” (around 0:05). Look at the mofo sitting right below her. DON’T THAT LOOK LIKE EFFING SOULJA BOY?! That’s him! It’s him!!! Yeah, I know he was about 3.52 years old when this commercial came out, but I know that’s him. I will believe nothing else.
Look at Monsieur Soldier gettin’ his Pretty Boy Prep on! I see you unfortunately!
4. He Doesn’t Look Like Himself From Afar In This One Particular Pic.
What pic? This one. For the longest time, whenever I first see that pic on a blog or in a Google Image result, I’d automatically think it was Flava Flav. I mean, really, how far off am I? Both are famous for being utter buffoons and they both wear obnoxious clothing/accessories. You don’t have to be Stevie Wonder’s handler* to see that. That picture still fools me to this day.
5. The Many Remixes and Re-Remixes Of His First Hit** Single.
Simply put, YouTube went NUTS, cranking something and watching me yuuuuule*** in all different forms. Barney yuuuled. Spongebob yuuuuled. The Chipmunks slayed them all and yuuuuled with tiny voices. Hell, even Grandma yuuuuled. (LOL, Ya’ll see how she went all the way into the kitchen?!)
Yet, amongst all that fabulosity (I know, Kimora, I’m cutting your .00006 cent check now), the only video I wanted to actually embed is this:
Don’t call it a shout-out. Sorry, ComicBookGuy. *waves*
And that about Saran-wraps it up. In honor of the Soulja-riffic One, wear some sunglasses to your job’s Casual Friday with your name emblazoned on them. Use white-out to write the name, though. Oh, and say “Yahhh, Trick, Yahhh!” to Human Resources.
Don’t do any of these things.
Love ya like Cleveland loves the smell of burnt Lebron jerseys in the morning,
Cheekie
*Ya’ll remember when he performed at the MTV Movie Awards and when he was done, they just left him on stage in the dark? That was when I officially hated MTV. Not because they stopped playing music videos like the rest of ya’ll. Yeah, of course I cracked up. But, I slapped myself on the back of the hand for it. Self-awareness for the win.
** “Hit” in the sense that it felt like music was hit with an Acme anvil and was officially destroyed forever.
*** As I even type that out, I weep for vocabulary. I mean, I make up words with the best of ‘em, but, come on…
1st of all…. ihatechu. that is all.
ok.
syke.
no it aint!
2nd of all, i think you should add “Soulja Boy, Sign It To Them” ya know–for the hearing impaired (and at this point i think many of us had this problem when any of his music comes on)
3rd of all, that IS souljah boy in the gap commercial. he’s clearly frozen in time. or maybe its souljah man? souljah uncle? souljah boy finnah tell em? idk.
lastly. i cant front. for many full moons i was waking up to “hop up out da beeeeeehd turn mah swag ooooooooohn” as my ringtone. #kanyeshrug #dontjudgeme
gemmie gal said it!
1) “Soulja Boy, Proclaim To Them” is awesome and I may get it tattooed on my neck!
2) Those videos were just the thing I needed to kick off my Friday morning. Thank you for loving us enough to share your foolishness
This whole rant was great, mostly because I believe Soulja Boy should be charged with a hate crime.
1) Describing Soulja Boy’s eyebrows as malnourished immediately made me think about Soulja Boy’s eyebrows asking Drake’s eyebrows if they could send aid and resources.
2) Soulja Boy, Prophesy To Them?
3) Yo! I definitely remember that commercial! It’s hard to see if that’s him since he’s not wearing glasses with his name on them. Ah, maybe that’s why he wears them, so people can identify the body.
4) You might be on to something. Is Soulja Boy one of Flava Flav’s illegitimate children?
5) Yes, there were about fifty-leven and a half remixes out there. But you know who has two thumbs and has never yuuuuled? *points to self* THIS GUY! Still don’t know how to do that dance.
I can’t see the embedded videos at work but I got a feeling I know what video that is (Probably Crank that Spider-man, but I could be wrong), so I can’t mad at you about that. *waves*
This song first popped on Hip Hop Nation on Sirius about two weeks ago and all I could say was “What is the sh*t?!” I am like you where I hate it when I can’t get a song that I hate out of my head, like Lemonade by Gucci Mane, Hard In the Paint by Waka Flacka Flame or any Black Eyed Peas song made after their Bridging the Gap album (shots fired. Will.I.Am is a sellout). Oh yeah, I heard there is a remix to “Pretty Boy Swag” that features Gucci Mane. Go figure.
Yuuuuuule!
First beginningly, that dancing spiderman… I’ve seen before! In HS, we laughed at this little ditty for hours: http://www2.b3ta.com/spidermanwillmakeyougay/
I was all over that “Crank that Urkel” though.
And to point out Soulja Boy, Tweet ‘Em in the Gap commercial… maybe he has a less idiotic older brother. Or something. Maybe he’s Soulja Boy Told ‘Em Already.
They call me mellow yellow (quite nicely).
I have a comment for every single thing you said.
1) Like Hov said, Three cuts in your eyebrow tryna wild out. That’s all I could think of with that pic
2)”Soulja Boy, Let Them Know What Is Up. Soulja Boy, Divulge A Plethora Of Information To Them.” My favorite ones. Lmao I swear you’re amazing with this.
3) Mellow Yellow! I SWEAR I went ((O_O)) when I saw SB in that video. I rewound it three times! THRICE! Just to make sure. I mean, I know it wasn’t him but sheesh! Lol I was convinced the first 2 times
4) Flav and SB are related. IMO. #ThatIsAll
5) I loved the Spiderman. Sad to say I know all these foolish dances. In high school, it was popping. In college, not so much but people still wanted to know about it. I just happen to know most, if not all, of them. It’s sad. But I’ll never do it anymore. In public. Ever. Well… unless I’m being paid..
I love this. SB lyrics and dances are pretty catchy. Lol can’t say you NEVER tried or at least moved to it.
LMFAO @ ALL of ya’ll coming up with different names. That’s why I love ya’ll so.
@Gemmie – The hearing impaired suggestion was FULL of win! I envy them sometimes that they can’t hear the mess that is being called “music” nowadays. I used to feel bad that they couldn’t hear it, but these days? Hmm…
@MsEsquire – Thank YOU for lovin’ me enough to partake in my foolishness.
@That Dam Africa – I admire you for not knowing that dance. Because — and I posted this on Twittah — I taught my 2520 coworker how to do it. At work. I’m still at this job, by the way. lol
@CBG – Yup, you’re right! It’s a Spidey cartoon dancing to the song hilariously. I hope you get a chance to look at it when you get off of work! It was especially for you. *cackles*
@Beez – I LOVE you for “beginningly.” And yeah, that dancing Spiderman has been out a while, right? Folks have made a ton of videos based on that alone. lol
@SDot – Good look on the Hov quote. lol And I dig anyone who uses the word “thrice”, because it’s one of my faves, in general. I remember when I first heard the Spiderman at a club, everyone was shooting imaginary webs and ish. It was probably the best thing about that night (other than gyrating with strippers) because I died laughing.
but if im to call them mellow yellow..why aren’t any of them in yellow?? pourquoi cheekie?? POURQUOI!!!!
#3 – he can reinvent himself as a gospel hip-hop artist Souljah Boy for the Lord – Exalt Him
#5 – I really hated when this got played in any 21+ club. In the words of Maad Skillz, “I don’t wanna see yooooooou doing that unless yooooooou under 18.”