Kick him through the phone
You know about karma? Well, it recently round-house kicked me for watching BET on the regular. You know how? By causing “Pretty Boy Swag” to replay over and over in my head. I HATE when a song I hate is in my head. And not in the way a Beyonce or Lady Gaga song I initially feel “meh” about slowly becomes a song I like, but I mean in the way where I want to lose my mind and hope it is never found.
So, Mr. Tell ‘Em, this post is dedicated to you. I present to you, Five Things I Think About When I Hear The Name, “Soulja Boy.”
1. His Eyebrows Are Malnourished.
I mean, really look at this. Somewhere in Ernie’s bathroom, Bert is frowning hard right now. He knows good eyebrow hair is going to waste in order to appease some “pretty boy” craze. I mean, it makes me wonder what he did with that extra hair he sliced off with a razor. Hopefully he either used it to…
– Create a new, closer-to-home hairline for Ne-Yo.
– Create a line of Leg Snuggies: Mo’Nique Edition.
– Donate to pre-pubescent males that can’t even grow peach fuzz.
Only those three things would be acceptable enough to warrant slicing parts of your eyebrow off. Think of it as paying it forward.
2. He Needs A Bougie Name, On The Side.
So, my niece and I play this little Soulja Boy-inspired game. Yes, I’m a great Auntie. Passing down foolishness to my sister’s kids. Ever since first hearing his full name, “Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em” and cackling over how someone could use an entire sentence as their rap name, I came up with an alternative. Why not class it up? Such as (and, yes, the commas are intentional, I said it’s classy):
– Soulja Boy, Inform Them.
– Soulja Boy, Proclaim To Them.
– Soulja Boy, Exclaim To Them.
– Soulja Boy, Acknowledge Them.
– Soulja Boy, Make An Announcement To Them (Lebron).
– Soulja Boy, Let Them Know What Is Up.
– Soulja Boy, Divulge A Plethora Of Information To Them.
You see where I’m going with this? To hell, obviously. On to the next one…
3. The Gap.
I know, number 3 makes absolutely no sense. Gimme a minute. Recently, I was painting my nails and the nail color was called “Mellow Yellow.” (Sally Hansen, holla!) Well, my mind sprinted to something else entirely (as it so often does) and its inevitable destination was nostalgia. Remember that Gap commercial? This one, I mean:
I used to adore that commercial! Anyway, go to the part where the Blondie sings, “Saffron’s mad about meeee” (around 0:05). Look at the mofo sitting right below her. DON’T THAT LOOK LIKE EFFING SOULJA BOY?! That’s him! It’s him!!! Yeah, I know he was about 3.52 years old when this commercial came out, but I know that’s him. I will believe nothing else.
Look at Monsieur Soldier gettin’ his Pretty Boy Prep on! I see you
4. He Doesn’t Look Like Himself From Afar In This One Particular Pic.
What pic? This one. For the longest time, whenever I first see that pic on a blog or in a Google Image result, I’d automatically think it was Flava Flav. I mean, really, how far off am I? Both are famous for being utter buffoons and they both wear obnoxious clothing/accessories. You don’t have to be Stevie Wonder’s handler* to see that. That picture still fools me to this day.
5. The Many Remixes and Re-Remixes Of His First Hit** Single.
Simply put, YouTube went NUTS, cranking something and watching me yuuuuule*** in all different forms. Barney yuuuled. Spongebob yuuuuled. The Chipmunks slayed them all and yuuuuled with tiny voices. Hell, even Grandma yuuuuled. (LOL, Ya’ll see how she went all the way into the kitchen?!)
Yet, amongst all that fabulosity (I know, Kimora, I’m cutting your .00006 cent check now), the only video I wanted to actually embed is this:
Don’t call it a shout-out. Sorry, ComicBookGuy. *waves*
And that about Saran-wraps it up. In honor of the Soulja-riffic One, wear some sunglasses to your job’s Casual Friday with your name emblazoned on them. Use white-out to write the name, though. Oh, and say “Yahhh, Trick, Yahhh!” to Human Resources.
Don’t do any of these things.
Love ya like Cleveland loves the smell of burnt Lebron jerseys in the morning,
*Ya’ll remember when he performed at the MTV Movie Awards and when he was done, they just left him on stage in the dark? That was when I officially hated MTV. Not because they stopped playing music videos like the rest of ya’ll. Yeah, of course I cracked up. But, I slapped myself on the back of the hand for it. Self-awareness for the win.
** “Hit” in the sense that it felt like music was hit with an Acme anvil and was officially destroyed forever.
*** As I even type that out, I weep for vocabulary. I mean, I make up words with the best of ‘em, but, come on…