I Mock the Croc

I hate Crocs. No, no, not the reptile. I’m not leading a mass slaughter-fest against crocodiles so I can wear them as “sharp” shoes a la Steve Harvey. No, I’m talking about the shoes that actually have nothing to do with the actual animal, but for some reason, they are named after it. I’m talkin’ ’bout these mofos:

My version of hell.

Look, I get the point of them. They’re allegedly comfortable. But, how far are you willing to go for comfortable? These are, by far, the fugliest shoes I’ve ever laid my squinty eyes on. And the holes? Ok, supposedly, they provide circulation so your feet don’t smell. Yeah, that’s lovely, but they still make you look like a douche. “Summer’s Eve” style.

Things, I’d rather do than wear Crocs:

– Stare at Flava Flav.

– Pull a never-ending hangnail.

– Watch M*A*S*H marathons.

– Inhale the intoxicating scent of chitlins.

– Answer every telemarketing call and buy their services.

So, you get the point. I don’t fux with Crocs. And to be even more obnoxious, they have the nerve to come out with even fuglier styles than the original:

Toasty douchiness.

What the beejeebus is the rational behind that?! Are they Crocs houseshoes? Are they the warmer version of Crocs? Crocs for the winter? Well, if so? FAIL. They only keep part of your foot warm. Your heels just sittin’ there all left out and shiverin’. Ugh.

And what takes the top crown:

This is a huge ‘F You’ to America if there ever was one.

Those are called “shoe charms” or “shoe gems”. So, what is that supposed to do, magically make Crocs fierce? Like someone up and decided, “You know what, let’s make something useful out of those holes! Fill them up with gems! Oh wait, that sorta negates the whole circulation thing, but that’s okay because anything bedazzled is fabulous”. NO. You can’t make Crocs fabulous. It is scientifically impossible. NASA has done research on this. Mathematicians have done complex formulas and came to the conclusion that Crocs ≠ Fabulosity*.

And lastly, in an effort to extend their merchandise beyond blind White suburbanites their normal demographic, Crocs has a new commercial:

YouTube Direct Link

Hmm. So, watching a pair of live, animated Crocs mosey on over to massage my feet after I get off of work is supposed to persuade me to buy some? DOUBLE FAIL. Frankly, that commercial creeps me out. What is worse than inanimate Crocs? LIVE Crocs. Even if they are the less obnoxious version of Crocs (the ones the lady’s wearing kinda look like Keds), the entire brand is dead to me. And I hate the bootleg Family Dollar versions even more. The holes are usually shaped like triangles or some hot mess like that. Fug.

So, I don’t care if Dr. Scholl’s teamed up with Crocs to make the ultimate comfy great-for-your-feet shoe, I will not rock them. I would not, could not. Not in a box. Not with a fox. I will not rock them, Sam I am. Point, blank, and period.

Love ya like Jay Leno loves his brother Mac Tonight,

Cheekie

*You may not be able to find these facts on Wikipedia and the like because I may have made all that ish up. *kanyeshrug*

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