Don’t Let Me Get In My Zone… Of Friendship

Oh, Keanu, you wise son of a bish.

Ah, the “friend zone.” These are two words often bemoaned by the male species. For women, though, this phrase is pretty much considered nonexistent or impossible… according to men, that is.

I just think it’s a matter of definition. While men only feel they’re out of the friend zone once they smang, I think women usually feel they’re out of the friend zone once they get that young “In a Relationship” Facebook status. Basically, it’s complicated. See what I did there? Do ya?! If you don’t, you need visual insurance. But, that’s another societal issue…

A semi-notreally-kinda-recent blog post written by P to the J over at Very Smart Brothas, entitled “And You Say She’s Just A Friend“, really stuck with me because it perfectly encapsulated friendships between most men and women. The frequent pop-ups of sexual innuendo, the copped feels, the too-long hugs… all’at. I experience that with guys all the time. And while to them, that kinda means that I’m not quite a platonic friend, to me, I’m thinking… well, what I see is also what I’m not. Their boo.

It makes me wonder, does the fact that they would consider smangage with me cancel out the fact that I’m just a friend even though they’re not really willing to take it to the next level? What part of the game is that?!

Don’t get me wrong, with most guys in my life, I’m perfectly content with just the good-natured banter and the “innocent” flirting. There’s always room for that. But, what about when I want more? Then the flirting doesn’t seem so innocent, it seems like mixed signals. You can’t say I’m like your sister in one sentence and then in the next sentence make lewd “that’s what she said” jokes off of every thing I say. WHO talks to their sister like that? Nawl… really. If you do, raise your hand.

All this got me thinking. There are certain common qualities that I have that may or may not keep me in the friend zone:

– The Funny Fem. This is probably the top quality that I have that makes me “cool” to many of you peen-wielding mofos. Yup, I’m the funny girl. I constantly make jokes and I’m downright goofy at times. I’ve heard and read many ninjas pontificating on how they want a chick with a good sense of humor, but sometimes I think that means “a girl who laughs at MY jokes, not necessarily tells them.” And since I love to laugh, oftentimes I do want a funny guy, but dayum ninja, I ain’t tryna compete with you, I want us to laugh together.

– The Laid-Back Lady. “You’re so laid-back and cool.” I’ve gotten that from dudes. While I can be dramatic about some things, most things I tend to shrug off and keep it moving and that’s a quality of mine that keeps guys flocking to me… to vent about their girls. … ( ._.) Oh. I’ve always been told I’m a good listener and able to perfectly assess situations, and hey, I embrace that. I’m a writer. Ya gotta be observant to be a good one. And for a ninja I care about and love, I’m always glad to help him out. He my boy. But, if I like-like him, that is whole ‘nother level of torture. It’s like dangling a carrot* in front of me that I can’t quite reach.

– The Tomboy Tina. The “tomboy” label has been a part of most of my life. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve showcased much more of my femininity, but that tomboy aura is always there. Basically, I’m the chick in the tight yoga pants that hugs my thighs and (other) cheeks ecstatically high-fiving a ninja when Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer performs a dope pick and roll combo. I’m at a time in my life where I’ve never been so confident to show off my curves, but I can also easily blend in a “homie” environment when none of that really matters. It’s quite the dichotomy…

Overall, I guess my main confusion stems from the fact that I’m not really so black or white. I’m not necessarily asexual (I’ve see ya’ll whiplash looks when I’m walking down the street, ninjas!), but I’m also not extra feminine, either. I don’t grunt and stratch my crotch with the boys, but I’m also not a stranger to “brother-bonding” activities, either. Maybe it’s because I don’t fit into one particular mold. Maybe I’m part of the confusion. But, that’s me…

All I’m hoping is that my goofy, good-listening, homie self can get more “yes” boxes checked in the “Will You Go With Me? – Yes, No, Maybe” form.

Pinchers, what say you? Guys, can you give me some insight? Are chicks like me doomed to the friend zone (or more accurately, the “not-quite-platonic-friend-but-not-girlfriend-zone-either”)? What will it take to get out of it? Gals, are you in the same position at times? Or is it all a crock of ish? Speak on it!

Love ya like the world loves Heidi Klum and Seal,

Cheekie

*I sweahfogawd I didn’t mean to use a phallic symbol, it just kinda… happened. Tee hee.

Friday Foolery: Him Upstairs

Before I start, I have to note two things:

1. This here the first Friday Foolery post of twenny twelve. —> (^-^)
2. This here is Friday the 13th. —> (*-*)

Aiight.

Ya’ll knowthat cute music video, Beyonce’s “Love On Top” (or the even cuter VMA performance)? As you may or may not know, this song has resulted in a bunch of folks abusing using YouTube to display their own version/rendition.

Alise, the Natural One decided to share a particular version that has become my favorite. The version of which, PBG shared with her.

So basically, PBG begat Alise begat this video:

Live Commentary… On Top:

0:05 – Ya’ll heard that “HANH?!”, doe? As in Kanyeezy’s, “WHO GON’ STOP ME, HANH?!” Actually, I want someone to create a mash-up of any song that Kanye says that and integrate this guy’s way of saying it. Or! Even better, have the two do a duet. OMG, that’ll be the best thing since the adage about sliced bread.

0:07 – Because I’m easily distracted by the seemingly little things, ya’ll see that paper plate on the far right? What you think is on there? Peaches? Funyuns? Cheese Puffs? *squints even more than I do now* #PleaseRespond

0:08 – *actually claps hands due to KNOWING he finna jam*

0:11 – O___________O

0:14 – That vibrato reminds me of a very caffeinated and dramatic Smokey Robinson. This makes sense.

0:19 – Ok, I love him already. He just said “I ain’t got no words.” so just used the always relevant fillers, “Jeeee-SUS, Jeeeeee-SUSSSS.” Yes.

0:28 – “I don’t know what I’m gonna saaaaay-aaayyyyy.” Ruh-oh! Pretty sure the good Lord cringed on that one. It’s aiight, we all make mistakes. He still loves our flawed selves.

0:34 – That slap for emphasis makes the fact that the Lawd opened doors that were allegedly closed even more significant. Good work, yo.

0:40 – #TheOutOfBreathStrainedStruggleVoice

0:45 – The. Fact. That. He. Rolled. In. The. Chair. Whilst. Hitting. That. Long. And. High. Note. Though.

0:58 – Raise your hand if you’ve caught the Foolery Ghost. \(._.)

1:03 – Aw, he did that “-uh” at the end of words like pastors do when they REALLY preaching that word. “Jeeeeesus-uh. You da one I love-uh!” And you know how an organ plays a note after each point to really drive it home and get the congregation going? Yeah, that.

1:09 – I have a feeling he is totally removed from this world right now. He is SO in chuuuch.

1:12 – YOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He sound like somebody auntie. Love this!!

1:21 – It seriously look like he almost hit himself with that dramatic arm movement, there…

1:30 – You know what’s the other thing he needs other than Jesus? A lozenge.

1:32 – LMFAO @ him busting out laughing. Yes!! And his laugh is contagious!

Ok, it’s settled, he my new best friend.

Pinchers, ya’ll have a great weekend! Keep your love and Jesus on top! *stomps*

Love ya like Paula Dean loves ham,

Cheekie

Kinky Kilowatts

Beeeeeeee prepaaaaaaaaarrrred.

Before I begin, I’mma need ya’ll heathens to get your mind out of the gutter regarding that title up there. I’m talmbout hair. Of the natural variety.

…

*as I lose several hundred hits from that statement*

So. My sister always tells me that I “attract crazy.” Looking at the various random circumstances in my life, I can’t quite say that she’s wrong. And my fave cousin agrees and says that it makes sense because I’m a writer. Material… girl.

Recently, I came across one of those “crazy” encounters on a quick trip to Walgreens. And I mean, quick. As in, I wasn’t really even buying anything as I was just going to the Chase Bank ATM.

The following exchange was SO o_O-worthy, I had to share it with a few of my homies. And I then realized that I also had to share it with you: my Pinchers. You da homie, too.

Lookey here:

*i wait in this long ass line that i thought would be shorter since it’s later in the day and not a rush lunch hour*

This man with locs walks in staring at me. he looks like somebody’s daddy. and i know younger guys that are somebody’s daddy, but you know what i’m talmbout. lol… actually, he look like somebody’s uncle.

He stands behind me.

Uncle Locs (UL): you gonna get me some money, too?

me: *laughs*

UL: so just a laugh, no yes or no?

me: *still laughing* um, i was thinking about it… yeah.

UL: mmmhmmm, i’m just saying i didn’t get no christmas present or nuffin so i figured…

me: it was worth a try. *smile*

*shuffles through purse to take out wallet to have it ready since i’m in a rush*

UL: yo, i love your hair sista!

me: *legit smile* Awwww, thanks so much! (actually I was on a high because a lady had PRAISED my hair when i got off the train… she actually ran to catch up to me because i was on my downtown strut, tapped me on the shoulder to tell me she loved my hair and what products i use… she had locs too… and they were gorgeous… anyway… omg i’m rambling…)

UL: you ever think about loccing it?

me: not at the moment… still on a big hair high.

*the line moves up and it’s about to be my turn… i start to walk up to the machine*

UL: hey, you know why your hair is like that? wiry and curly?

me: *looks back* I don’t…

UL: because it’s the antenna to the world.

me: o_O (still smiling) oh?

UL: yeah you know that about antennas… how non-straight ones get better reception…

me: oh yeah yeah…

UL: mmmmhmmm, yup. (he said the mmmhmm like he really said something deep)

me: wow, good to know *gets my effing money and wishes him a good day, walks out walgreens and busts the eff up laughing*

Fin.
(yes, i willingly entertain folks like this on the regular.)

Yuuuuuup.

Part of me (approx. 75%) wishes I had engaged him more, but I had to get back to the plantation to take care of some bidness. Cash over crazy, yo.

Pinchers, what do you think about ol’ dude? Is he nuts? One of those ninjas that try to be deep yet fail? Or does he actually have a point? Learn me something if he does.

Love ya like the internets love to analyze a celebrity’s baby name,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Um, Well… Sort Of…

I am not the proprietor of nuts, thus I'm already winning. (^_^)/

The time has come. For closing books and long last looks must end.

Yup, Pinchers, this is my last post of twenny-lehm. Speaking of which, the thing I’m going to miss most about 2011 is referring to it as “twenny-lehm” as often as I do. But, alas, here comes twenny-twellve.

*looks at self* But, self?! Don’t look so glum!

Oh, I’m not! Know why? Because I am truly looking forward to 2012. Other than the Mayan Rapture*, I really have a strong feeling this will be a big year for me. And for those around me. I can’t explain the feeling, but I got the feeling, James Brown.

Now, as this year comes to a close, there comes a time to reflect, which leads to a rebirth. Lady Gaga ain’t the only bish who will making grand entrances out of eggs!

Wait… what?

Yeah. There are a few major goals I have in mind for the upcoming year.

Y’all: But this here “Friday Foolery”, Cheeks. Don’t get all introspective on us!
Me: You are correct, my children. But, since I’m in a sharing mood, I decided to share both! The real deal goals AND the foolywang goals! Leggo (translation: Let’s commence)!

The Real Deal Goals:

1. Do something that scares the ish outta me. I usually do these kinds of lists in no particular order, but this is truly my number one goal. I’m in “success by any means necessary” mode lately, and I know dayum well I’m gonna have to take a leap to get closer to said success. I’ve never seen something substantial accomplished by playing it safe and I’m always inspired by those who don’t (play it safe) so why not join the team? It’s goin’ down. Basement. I’m goin’ up, doe! To infinity and beyond. *wink*

2. Do the write thing. <– this is probably my favorite play on words of all Kanyeezy time. After emerging from a HUGE writing drought (not really including the blog, but more my screenwriting), I was finally (and recently) able to finish my third feature script. And… it felt good. I had forgotten how it felt. And I don’t wanna forget it again. I can go on and on about what caused this drought, but that’s probably another post (and perhaps for a therapist). What I will say is that it’s most definitely over. And my goal is to write regularly the way I did during the time between my first two scripts. That means a SET goal of so-and-so pages a day (to be determined… I’m leaning toward at least 5) and/or so-and-so length of time a day (maybe 2 hours). I’m more of a “page limit” girl, myself, though. But yes, I’m going to do less talking about writing and more writing… sometimes about writing. Tee hee.

3. Do try to be less self-reliant. This is a personal biggie for me. Self-reliance is generally praised. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means?! As a very proud Leo, I shole do. When I tell ya’ll I have so much pride I’m an entire group of lions**, I ain’t never lied. And don’t get me wrong, it is a fabulous quality. It becomes a problem when I burn myself out without ever asking for assistance until it’s nearly too late, which is what I usually do. I am bawse at helping others, but fail at asking for a hand. And while it’s strong to hold down the fort yourself, it takes a different level of strength to seek help. It takes vulnerability, which I believe to take the greatest strength of all. So, I’ll be working on that in the upcoming year. I already have a few specific ways to implement this in mind…

Alrighty. Thanks for bearing through the emo part of the show (yup, it happens! lol). It’s only right to wrap this Friday up with some true foolery. And, so, I present.

The Foolywang Goals:

1. Do an impromptu song/dance number with a group of strangers… yes, a la Disney. Ya’ll don’t understand how badly I want this in my life. Since I was a wee Cheeks, I’ve always envisioned my life to be much more dramatic than it actually is… like a movie. There have been several moments where I’ve said to myself, “It would be really cool if airbody just burst into song and a perfectly choreographed routine that everyone magically knows without any rehearsal.” Moments like commuting via public transit, standing in line at the club, seeing a fahn dude walk by… et cetera and whatever.

2. Do the “cabbage patch” in a patch of cabbages. Because I have a special affinity for extra apropos situations, that’s why. Don’t look at me like that.

3. Do ACTUALLY BUY THE MANY T-SHIRTS I SAY I’MMA BUY. If you’ve known me for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard me say some variation of “I want that on a t-shirt.” approximately 50-lem.63 times. And you know I’ve never really followed through on any of them. I have this (unwritten) scroll of t-shirts that either comes from conversations, things I see on the internet (I’m still lusting after owning a t-shirt that features a funny internet .gif meme… and yes, I want it to be animated on my shirt), or my own silly head.*** And it just keeps getting bigger. No, I don’t know the number. The mental list is not numbered. SO unorganized. Anyway, I figured I should start with these. <– Yes, I’d accept them as gifts. Re-peep the number 3 real deal goal up there. Run yo plans to send said gift to pinchmycheekie (at) gmail (dot) com. Grazie.

Pinchers! What are your goals for 2012, real-deal, foolish, or otherwise? Let’s have the audacity to hope! *rolls neck and pops gum*

Happy New Year! *flings pinchable confetti*

Love ya like Baby New Year loves outshining Father Time,

Cheekie

*I’ont think this is the official name… ( ._.)
**If you seent what I did there, #wegotogether.
***I once entered a t-shirt naming contest held by an online t-shirt store. You had to come up with a funny t-shirty phrase and I came up with “Kiss Me, I Have Herpes.” Ya know, a play on those “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” type joint. Forgive me, I was in college. No, I didn’t win. No, this isn’t a t-shirt I want to wear.

Friday Foolery: A Foolish Festivus

I adore Christmas. I’ve expressed such (in detail) via former posts. Check ‘em out here and… here.

And ya’ll already know I love foolery. And then I thought to myself, “Self? I just realized that I don’t have a Christmas-themed Friday Foolery! That shit cray!” (For those who were wondering, myself agreed with me) And I don’t! Last year, I was off being merry and whatnot so I ditched ya’ll. Which was not in the Christmas spirit at all.

Of COURSE Christmas and foolery should be combined. It’s the best gift evah!

So, here are three Christmasy things that got me smiling/laughing/slapping a knee this season:

(Props to Keisha Brown for sending me this link)

– HAHAHA! This is definitely the American way to put up the lights. While the crib on the left has ALL OF THE LIGHTS (and ALL OF THE ELECTRICITY BILLS), the house on the left is saving all’at by just simply echoing their neighbor’s sentiments. Brilliant!! Even someone like me who LOVES decorating would prolly do something like this just for the foolishness of it. I really would. Yes, I asked Santa for “sense” for Christmas.

– This be my spot at the plantation. Never mind the piles of paper (Seriously, the other departments call us “tree killers.” I’ll be dat.). Don’t even mind the delicious Andes peppermint chocolates. The MAIN focus of the picture is that dope ass Christmas tree. Yes yes ya’ll and ya don’t stop, we actually have the Charlie Brown struggle tree at the gig. Which is bawse. Because if you read those links I told ya’ll to click (which you better had because there will be a pop quiz in the near future), you’d know that “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is EVERY single thing to me. That is one of the key components that MAKES Christmas.

And last, but not least…

– Ok, so this is not exactly from THIS season — in fact, it’s from several seasons in the past — but it is very much relevant in my Christmas life today. And it has been since the day it aired. And as far as I’m concerned (which is about 2 miles), this song is as part of the classic Christmas song list as “Silent Night” or “Let It Snow.” I kid you not, I sing this song at least once every year and will continue to do so for many years to come. And if you have a problem with it, you’re a Scrooge that eats babies on Sunday.

Pinchers, I hope you have a fabulous holiday season! And since ya’ll know I believe sharing is caring, let’s make a deal. I gave you a gift (see above), so let’s say that YOUR gift to me would be sharing your most foolish Christmas story, tradition, or anything else Christmas-themed or funny. See? I ain’t picky.

*Holiday hugs and pinches*

Love ya like Chicago loves having Derrick Rose for five more years,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: WTF ISIT?!

*points to title* Though I am the queen of typo queens, that is definitely supposed to say “isit” and not “is it.” It’s intentional dinna mug. You’ll soon see why. K? K.

So, Alise randomly hit me up with:

Alise: i am currently having a very important conversation about sock puppet animals (Editor’s Note: The fact that I found NOTHING off about this proves I am slightly… off?)

She then went on to say:

Alise:  i dont like them
they scare me
it stemmed from this:

What exactly is “this”, you (didn’t) ask? Wellll…

I know what you’re thinking…

“WHAT THE ARGYLE THERMAL SOCK LEFTOVER BUTTONS HELL?!”

I feel ya, homie.

Actually, when Alise first linked me to this sock puppet (which is truly on sale HERE), I immediately said, “that look like the dog that won the ugliest dog contest… ‘cept it’s an elephant.” And I freaked out because it was an extreme close-up shot. WHY he gotta be all up in my face, doe?! Some nerve. He ugly enough.

Now, if you haven’t gone to the Etsy item page, you really need to… NOW. Right here (no SWV). Because it deserves SO much discussion.

That description, yo. Let’s go point-by-point…

It’s ‘ISIT Elvin’ the elephant. He has recently retired from the circus and is now ready to be someone’s special toy.

– LMAO. Hol’uphol’uphol’up whoa ‘dere. You mean to tell me, this person is tryna sell the fact that you get to play with some retired has-been AARP pachyderm?! Eaux.

He is lovingly handmade from a luxuriously soft ALPACA /merino blend sock. His ears are scraps from an argyle sock – the same one used to make his best friend ‘ISIT Barnaby Bear’.

– Wayment. Alpaca?! As in the cousin to the llama? You mean Tina’s (of Napoleon Dynamite fame) peoples?!! I’m also mad he literally in-sync with his best friend, Barnaby by using Barnaby’s skin to make his ears. He’s kinda like a toy Buffalo Bill. They are WAYYYY too close. And I love how bears always seem to have proper fancy names like Barnaby or Paddington. Eff a Yogi. He’s just a misplaced hoodlum.

He is very soft and cuddly and just soooooo cute with his little stumpy legs and up-turned trunk with a BUTTON on the end

– Awwww, stumpy legs! The up-turned trunk is kinda pervy, doe. But, of course, only I’d think that. Your children won’t! Funny how they capitalized “button.” Like, does that make it more enticing? I guess buttons do add that “handmade” aura to things. Sure…

** buttons are very securely attatched, but always supervise young children around buttons:)**

– Relevant! And important. Can’t even hate on this part at all.

He has a little plaited tail, and a floppy hat. His starry eyes are a dead giveaway of his former life as a circus performer.

– A plaited tail! Swag. I know when I was a kid and my Grandma plaited my hair, I just KNEW I was stuntin’ on hos.* Let’s talk about this next sentence, doe. I. HOWLED. They actually psychoanalyzed the puppet, ya’ll. You can see his PAST in his eyes. And I see what they did there with the “starry” thing. Because he was a performer. GET IT?! YOU see it?!

Suitable for boys and girls young and old.

– How young? How old? Soooo many questions.

He stands approx 27cm high.

– Oh, he a tall glass of water. Hmmmm, ladies! *wink and nudge*

Please convo me with any questions

– “Convo with me” sounds wonky to me for some reason. No, um… shade.

Pinchers, since we’re in the holiday season I figured I’d share this with you just in case you need any last-minute Christmakwanzakah gift ideas! *more winking and nudging*

I mean, I already know what I’m getting Alise! *joyfully evil cackle* Seasons greetings and whatnot! Have a lovely weekend!

Love ya like Target loves to empty my wallet,

Cheekie

*Don’t worry, I wasn’t running around at age 6 talmbout “stuntin’ on hos”, I probably just thought I looked like Rudy Huxtable or something. Though, I must admit, a mini Cheekie talking like that would be HILARIOUS. But, I was an angel. Still am. *sweet smile*

For Your In-Fro-Mation

DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE WITH THAT TITLE, DOE?!

*calms down*

Ahem.

So, it’s been quite a while since I posted about my big “Cheekie” chop. Five months, specifically. I figured this was as good as time as any to stroll on by with an update. Either that or I randomly (and recently) took a bunch of pictures of myself and figured I’d share one of ‘em with you and use it as an update on my natural hair journey. It’s a toss-up.

Since that post, my hair has grown a lil’ bit. Hop into my DeLorean as we go 5 months into the future (from the last post):

This is a bit stretched out since I did a quick twist-out/bantu knot-out after washing the previous evening. And yes, Apple just gone sneak in the shot to "advertise" like this a reality show.

A few updates since that first foray into natural hair-dom:

– I have YET to kick this hands-in-hair habit. I guess I’m still in the “admit you have a problem” stage because I’m still doing it whilst admitting it. In fact, right after I typed that last sentence, I copped a quick feel of my hurr. *shakes in corner*

– I’ve noticed just how fast hair can grow. Meaning, I didn’t realize just how much growth I’ve had until I actually looked back at former pics from the beginning stages and compared the two. I didn’t think my hair had grown that much UNTIL I saw those older pics. *Looney Tunes wolf eye-pop*

– I’m still in love with Shea Moisture, but I’ve finally been able to dip into the loveliness that is Oyin Handmade. I’m actually planning a post JUST for them in the near future.

– I’ve noticed that along with my hair change, so has my sense of style. I find myself taking more fashion risks, especially since I’ve gotten the boost in confidence since the cut. And of course, I’m still on my accessory steez.

– Still loving the “I love yo hair, sista!” compliments from men. They still mostly come from panhandlers/homeless men, doe. My ego STILL does a cabbage patch afterward, regardless.

– My fingers are kinda oily now (yes, RAHT NAH) because I keep putting them in my hair and twirling my curls after I finish each update…

– I can’t stop looking at natural hair blogs/Tumblrs for information, new ideas, pictures, videos, kitchen sinks. Ok, that last one isn’t quite true, but kitchen sinks are ALWAYS included in long lists. It’s the law. Or something.

That’s about it so far. So, there ya have it, Pinchers. You likey me picture? Oh! And I do have one question for my natural hair self-named gurus and sista-pinchers:

I feel like I’m now in the “in-between” stage of a teeny-weeny-afro and a big ass afro. Though it’s not as nightmarish as folks have made it seem (via articles I’ve read so far), I am eager to find out if there are any tips on how to make it fresh. Since I’ve gotten some growth, a simple wash-n-go ain’t cuttin’ it for me anymore. At least not all the time. Any hair styling tips?

Thanks in advance! May the good Lawd bless you after you sneeze.

Love ya like Drake loves Cliff Huxtable-esque sweaters,

Cheekie

Friday Foolery: Divine Swags

*CHEEKIE NOTE*: *waves* Hey, ya’ll. I missed the hell outta you and I hope you can say the same. I’ve abandoned my po’ blog and my po’ Pinchers! The good news is that this abandonment is mostly because I’ve been more productive on my screenwriting steez! And the other part may have just been sheer laziness. But, enough of all’at. I’m back up in this piece! *hugs*

Ladies, we all know that when we go out, we love to look our best. We go out to SHOW out.

Well, one of the many struggles we go through is finding something to wear. And lawd knows that when we’re specifically searching for something, we can NEVER find it. Don’t ya’ll hate that?!

Chile, me too.

But, fear not… I have found your answer. Well, actually, L Boogie has found your answer. Blame her. Or you can blame who SHE blamed… Phonte and his always hilarious Twitter timeline.

Presenting…

Divine Live Commentary:

0:00 – First off… before I get into any of this… let’s talk about the YouTube description: “Divine Rags is a boutique in Memphis. Only fascinating women shop there. High end couture for mid price range store.” ( ._.) … AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love how you are officially deemed “fascinating” once you buy an item from this establishment. And those who don’t have the privilege to shop here… aren’t. Ol’ dull basic bishes!

0:07 – Dude looks like Seal’s stumpy cousin. Of course, he has a wine glass which is the ONLY way to symbolize fancyness.

0:09 – And that dance is called… ???

0:10 – Ya’ll see how he just gave that girl his wine glass like, “hold this, peasant girl!” and then looked at the dancing girl with lust in his eyes? Oh yes, he is a pimp.

0:16 – LMFAO. Did this ninja just ask her where she got her “fabulous outfit” and then SHUSHED her when she started to respond?! I ain’t eeem mad at the level of smooth operation he has right now.

0:20 – I LOVE how he just took over like, “They always say, they get it from ‘Divine Rags’.” Like, there is no other acceptable answer. If she is wearing a fabulous outfit, then she got it from Divine Rags. Ish is like an “if-then” mathematics statement.

0:21 – AND the chick just went back to dancing. His rude interruption is not gonna ruin her good time! She ain’t finna waste that fabulous outfit, neither!

0:24 – “Beautiful women! I’m fascinated, always.” Um. Ok, bro. AND WHY IS THAT DOG THERE?

0:26 – I’m fascinated by the fact that this lady just gone kill that snake Britney Spears used at the VMAs way back when and use it to make her dress.

0:30 – Did he just point twice? In a horribly edited manner?

0:31 – “Maybe you too, might fascinate me.” Yes. Because Lawd knows that is my goal in life. Eff an aspiring writing career.

0:32 – DID. HE. JUST. RANDOMLY. KISS. THAT. DOG. DOE? Why was that included… at all? I can’t!!!

0:34 – *falls the eff out at this mechanical arse laugh*

0:38 – What fascinates me the most about this entire video is HOW those ladies were able to actually NOT burst out laughing during this video. I don’t care about many takes it… took. I’d never get a good take. They’d have to fire me, on the real.

Pinchers, would you shop at Divine Rags in order to upgrade your fascination factor? Corporate Christmas party season is here so I may be on my way over there so I can stunt on various corporate hos. Hate me.

Have a fascinating weekend!

Love ya like Herman Cain loves them hos,

Cheekie

Are You There Siri? It’s Me, Cheeks.

"Siri, are you 'Team Edward' or 'Team Jacob'?"

There were a lot of components of the iPhone 4S that excited me. Coming from the iPhone 3GS, I liked the new design. The iOS 5 software? Niiiice. The wireless sync aspect? Winning! The 8 megapixel camera that shoots in 1080p HD?  Fabulous!

As lovely as all those updates (not all listed, of course) were, none of them excited me more than the birth of Siri. And it wasn’t even about the fact that she’d actually come in handy for practicality reasons. Nawl sons and daughters.

What got me most geeked? The fact that I’d be able to ask Siri foolish ass questions! YESSSS!

So, I awaited with the utmost bated breath as I read several reviews of Siri and how smart she is. And not only that, she’s witty! And ya’ll know I luh me some sassy intelligent bots. I definitely knew there was fun to be had once I received my own iPhone.

The fun time has come, my Pinchers. I came up with a few questions that I’d been meaning to ask Siri (Which, by the way… her voice? Sounds like she’s Stephen Hawking’s jumpoff) and I’m thrilled to share ‘em with you… as well as her answers. Leggo!

Q: What dat mouf do?
A: Wayment, so she don’t understand what her own mouf does? Or maybe she tryna be demure. I’ll ask again later in the night and see if she be on her “Twitter after dark” steez. Which, I did proceed to ask her if the freaks come out at night and she ain’t understand that, either.

Q: Are you married?
A: Oh, so now she tryna be coy? I see how it is. I TOLD you whose jumpoff she was, so that’s why she don’t wanna answer. Moving right along…

Q: Do you have any brothers?
A: Ya know what?! Here I was tryna get me a man (I even wrote a post about it!) and Siri over here cockblocking like a pig standing in front of a rooster. So, I decided to express what I needed…

Q: I need love.
A: o_O??? I think Siri is a cynic.

Q: Who’s the fairest of them all?
A: See, I was obviously fishing for compliments at this point, but she just gone give the answer that the mirror gives. She essentially copied off the mirror’s paper during an exam. Cheaters never what? Mothereffing prosper. Ok, fine, back to silliness…

Q: Where’s Waldo?
A: Well, I guess that DOES explain why she can’t find him…

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Tee hee. The more you know. *shooting star… ding*

Q: Do you like Microsoft?
A: Clearly, I was tryna start ish, but like a true politician, Siri smoothly dodged the question.

Q: What good is a diamond nobody can see?
A: Very nice! This has always been a deep philosophical question in my opinion (o_O), and I loved how Siri essentially solved the “nobody can see” part by showing a list of places where I COULD see some diamonds. Male Pinchers, feel free to purchase said diamonds and send them me. *sweet smile*

And of course, to round ‘em out, I had to combine a logical Siri question WITH a bit of foolery…

Q: How’s the weather in Deez Nuts?
A: Forget about her claiming to not know where it is (AGAIN, being suspiciously demure), the fact that she heard “Dee’s Nuts” is pretty genius. Like, now she makes me want to get a loan from some greedy bank, invest said money into a building, and create a store called, “Dee’s Nuts” that sells a variety of nuts and nut-based products. Which, obviously, each of these products would include a warning for those allergic to nuts. In fact, the warning will be on the store’s sign like, “This ENTIRE STORE may contain nuts and/or traces of nuts.” Anyway, let me keep my business plan to myself for now. Thanks, Siri! I’ll be sure to give you 5% of the proceeds.

So, that was pretty much my fun with Siri. I’m definitely not done asking her questions and I’m sure I’ll have to share more convos with ya’ll. Pinchers, do you have an iPhone 4S? If so, what have you randomly asked Siri and what did she say? If you don’t have one… uMad? I mean… er… what would you ask Siri? I’ll be your liason and whatnot.

Have a fabulous Thanksgiving, Pinchers! *turkey hugs*

Love ya like Elmo loves being tickled,

Cheekie

P.S. Interestingly enough, while I was writing this post, I came across an insane Siri exchange on Twitter (via @YolieTheJew’s retweet). Click here to check this ridiculousness out. I fell out!

Friday Foolery: Don’t-Rag

Women have a plethora of accessories that can upgrade their look. From hair weaves to lip gloss (that be poppin’), there is a quite lengthy list of things that aid us in getting closer to dimepiece status.

While the list is a tad bit shorter (and by “tad bit”, I mean “WAY”) for men, it does exist after all. But, no enhancing accessory is more prevalent in the Y-chromosome crew than… the du-rag.

o__________O <– don’t look at me like that!

Don’t eeem try to tell me you don’t know at least 1 ninja whose sole purpose in life is to look like the ninja on an S-Curl box. You can’t tell a ninja NUFFIN when he got those waves, yo. Swag be on several hundred thousand trillions.

Now, while I do see several guys wearing them, I NEVER would’ve guessed I’d see ‘em here:

Hit up HotHipHopDetroit here for more info (and their title is SOOOO apropos)

A few thoughts and side-eyes…

– SCURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (record scratch)

– You mean to tell me that ya’ll mofos out here giving specialty du-rags with a bottle of gottdayum gin?!

– I do have to admit that I was like, “Yeah, Seagrams WOULD do this” when I first saw it on the Twittuh. Like, they know exactly who to target because, well, they know their primarily hood audience.

– o__O … o_________O (told ya I’d have some side-eyes)

This did get me to thinking, doe. What if other products offered something “free inside” on some kiddie cereal steez? And what if they were as silly as this? Of course that got me dreaming (not of a White Christmas… yet)…

– iPhone w/ free autocorrect app that makes EVERY letter “i” lowercase and combines it with the word next to it in a sentence, no matter what you’re typing. Even the Terms & Conditions will have “iAgree” or “iDon’t Agree” at the end.

– Nutella jar w/ free “Deez Nutella” t-shirt.

– Xbox 360 w/ free shopping-spree gift card to give to your girl while you play “Call of Duty” all day.

– Pair of Louboutin shoes w/ free foot massage… you’ll probably need it.

– Ciroc bottle w/ free camera so you can take pictures of it and post them to Twitter. -_-

Pinchers, what do you think about the Seagram’s free du-rag promotion? Are you gonna buy some JUST for the du-rag? And what other products do you think should have promotions like these? Go crazy with it!

Enjoy your weekend!

Love ya like Ashton and Demi STILL love each other (don’t worry, ya’ll!),

Cheekie